Beautiful

  What woman's blog (because wow... I am a woman(not a girl anymore) ~ not sure when exactly that happened but here I am) would seem right if it did not discuss beauty in some form? Today I feel the same as usual in that I showered at around noon, did not do my hair, have no makeup on and I wore horible PJ's all morning. My husband is home today though and he just kept commenting on how beautiful I was. I got annoyed as usual and tried to shut out the words but he was so sweet and sincere I couldn't just throw them away.
  Lines that go through my head when I think about beauty (because his kindness got me thinking about it) are things like, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and 'thin means beautiful,' and 'tall means beautiful' and 'hair that is styled and a put together outfit is beautiful' and when I think about women I view as beautiful ( if I dont know them) a lot of them pretty much fit all those prototypes. So when it really comes down to it...I am the farthest away from physically beautiful in my mind. Sad right? When I get to thinking about why I think those things about beauty I realize it is rooted in messages from childhood, it is rooted in media, things said to me when I was a teen, and its pretty much just the same as every other girl out there who struggles I think.
   Lately I have been struggling even more than usual with my self esteem because ever since the last baby I have not been able to drop weight. I also had a much bigger baby then my other ones and so my skin is stretched and different and it is just not something I had to ever deal with before. I also have separated stomach muscles. I also have candida overgrowth. Put that all together and I just sort of feel flabby and sick and gross...a lot.
 All of this combined has not helped me want to spend time on myself. If I try to pick a nice outfit I once again realize my clothes dont fit and if I want to do my hair I realize once again how overwhelmed I am with this awesome hair I have. It is so thick anything I do with it takes a long time and usually the baby is banging and crying at the bathroom door. If I let him in he is turning on the washer and getting into the toilet and so my times spent on myself are hurried at best. I am not complaining about this at all. I have never been one to spend a lot of time 'prettying up' and I so respect and admire the ones who do. It's not like the baby is forcing me to sacrifice something and I am thankful for this awesome hair....its just how things are at the moment! Even if I had all the time in the world I would probably still look exactly the same!!!
 Where am I going with all this? Beauty ~ when I really stop though, and pick everything apart in my mind about beauty, and what I have decided ~ going past the messages from childhood and the messages from the world out there....I realize that I think beauty for me has transcended skin a long time ago. In high school was when beauty really started being pushed. I really realized who was beautiful (and popular!) and who wasn't. After a while though I realized that beauty went far past hair and eye color and eye lashes. Beauty had to do with A LOT more than that.
  Beauty doesn't last all that long in regards to perfect blemish free skin and amazing hair etc. Beauty really does have to do with who we are deep down to our core. I don't know if your mind has even been blown by some one stunningly beautiful but after a time you realize that their beauty has shifted into something totally different because of how horribly they treat others or their selfishness? They look the same on the outside but because of the lack inside your eyes see their beauty in a whole different light?
  My husband loves me and he loves how I look. He chose me after all and so I have to believe that he thought me beautiful. However all that is exterior is changing,'shifting,' and fading pretty darn quick (I can't believe how quick!) and I feel like inside I am not as beautiful as I would like to be. I whine and complain A LOT. I am grumpy and moody and not fun to come home to. I really REALLY want these things to change. I want to feel healthy yes, and I want to take care of my skin and hair yes, but most importantly I want what is inside me to captivating. I want a smile that is sincere, eyes that are kind and soft, a heart that is open and giving and a soul that is cleansed of bitterness and hurt. I want a spirit that is aching for truth and light and I want to feel whole and accept love.
 We all have such potential to be these stunning, glorious, glowing beings that radiate the best beauty that can be found. I think it takes even more work then some of the girls out there that work out every day and do so much to preserve their perfection. It takes everything because it takes making choices every day. I have fallen so far from where I was trying to get to a couple years ago when I had this fresh in my mind. I must be getting more sleep lately if my mind is starting to try to think these kind of thoughts again. That or I have been such a grump that I can't even stand myself!
   Either way when you look in the mirror today....even if you haven't showered in days and you have dropped every sort of physical standard of beauty for whatever reason ~ it's okay. All is not lost! When you look in the mirror the beauty is right there ~ staring you in the face because like it or not you are beautiful. If you feel like all your beauty has been lost....Jesus thinks you are beautiful no matter what has happened. He thinks your beauty is perfect and he sees every sparkle of beauty you have.
  You are beautiful though because everyone is created with beauty. Enhance it by bringing the beauty from the inside out. If you have let a lot of that beauty go you might have to look back and figure out where you lost it....but it can be found. Beauty ~ it starts from the quality of your soul and the openness and light in your spirit. That beauty will draw in and spill out on all who are around you if you let it.  So that's happy right? Thanks to my husband for his sweetness in getting me thinking about this again. I want to live in this so hopefully my daughters will have a healthier more holistic view of beauty and so confidence, patience and kindness will go before me on even the darkest day.