Open Up Let the Light In

I have known darkness. Have you? Have you had something taken and when it was gone you realized how precious it really was? Has it left lingering shadows? Can you not shake it off? You have days where you forget and then again it comes. A couple years ago my husband and I were in a place where a recession had left us quite destitute. His business has been struggling for so long. We could not keep up with our payments of any kind. One of our children had been struggling with health issues for years and we were so worn out. We didn't know where to turn and an opportunity came up. Essentially we were offered an opportunity to turn a massive shed into a house and move onto a family farm. It seemed to good to really comprehend. We went into the situation feeling optimistic but realistic we hoped. My husband is an incredible craftsman and handy man and he transformed this storage shed into something beyond my wildest dreams. The fact that it was tin on the outside and had a sign that said shipping and handling on the outside and was next door to a barn was even more perfect to me. The fact that the only heating was a massive wood stove was bliss. There were so many parts about this space that I adored. The best thing though was that my back yard was a massive field overlooking mountains and every night the sunset blazed true. When I was younger I had lived on a farm and had been transformed and shaped by the beauty there. It has set a longing in me and when I had had to leave it it had hurt me. Moving to this place and getting to be in this beauty was so healing for me. My children loved so many aspects of the house and the surrounding freedoms the land offered. However as it seems in my life darkness is always near, waiting. It pounced with ferocious force. In the end we had to move quickly and I had to say goodbye to a lot. Relationships, beauty, space and things that I didn't want to let go. I cant describe how hard this was for me. In my head I feel like other people would not understand. They would say ~ too bad but move on and obviously that is what I have had to do. However we moved from a massive house to a basement suite that was underground...it was winter time and there was a fifteen minute window of time where a shaft of sunlight shone onto my kitchen counter if the sun was out. I quickly learned to treasure that. I could also see a bit of an apple tree when I was sitting on my couch and I also learned to hold that in my heart and enjoy the birds that spent time there all winter. However a great darkness gripped me. I felt so grieved. I couldn't cry enough tears of betrayal and agony. My children were so wounded. It caused rifts in precious relationships as they lashed out. So many things left me reeling I just wanted healing and wanted to feel like somehow all of this hadn't been taken. It wasn't just the house that we had put so much into, it wasn't just the loss of the beauty of the wild fields and nightly sunsets, it was so much more.
 It has been almost two years now since we had to leave. We have moved on in so many ways. We have a house that we can afford. My husband has a job and we have a back yard. We are blessed beyond measure. We have not fully recovered however. My children are still wounded. The other day something came up about it all and I saw the pain in my husband's eyes that mirrored my heart on so many dark days. We don't talk about it much because there is no point and nothing will change it all. When we drive past the place and I see the house and the field  and I turn my face away. When I saw his eyes I felt that darkness again. I have fought it mightily and it has been defeated on more than one occasion. It has been sent down to where it should be and I have opened up to let the light in. Every day I open my eyes and pull myself up out of wherever I have layed my head and the first thing I want to do is open up the blinds to let in the light. I try to send my soul out there somewhere for a minute to welcome it. I have usually had a long night in the trenches and so opening up to let the light in is the first thing to do so that I can shake off the night and start another day.
 If you are filled with darkness I wanted to say something.  You dont have to live like that forever. It is not a place with any good in it. I have struggled with darkness a lot. I am not sure of all the reasons. Research suggests it is in my genes and I can understand that. However it does not mean I just bow to it. I must have illumination. One day I went to church and a girl sat down beside me and asked me if she could pray for me. I did not know her well but she sat beside me, put her hand on mine and prayed AGAINST darkness. It was so powerful. I felt it leave me. I can't explain it but it happened. Tonight as I feel a lingering ache, my body feels heavy, I feel that betrayal and loss again and I must release it. I feel the darkness yawning close wanting to welcome me with open arms. I will not go to it.
I hope that if you are in darkness someone will come close and show you a way to the light ~ if you want to get there. Open up ~ let the light in.