Sipping Hot Chocolate

   I am sitting at my kitchen table sipping hot chocolate, actually no I wish I was able to do the lady like sip. I am guzzling hot chocolate (a massive mug of it) and I could easily down a second one. I remember when I had my third child my grandma brought me a container of hot chocolate powder and recommended I drink at least a cup a day. My parents specifically keep a container of hot chocolate in their cupboard because I have a cup every time I go there, and my dad makes sure to tell me when they get a new one or new flavor. I think in the past my mom possibly loved hot chocolate and I know my grandma sure did. So I think it is probably in my genetic make up. The fact is, hot chocolate soothes me. Hot chocolate makes me feel okay for a little while and right now I need warmth, comfort and soothing. Nothing is really wrong per say. But this is the thing ~ moving is really stressful. Maybe some people don't realize the amount of stress it is on a body to move but it is massive and we are moving in two days.
   I WANT to move. I have had to move quite a few times in the last couple years and they were not moves I WANTED to make. That stress was awful. This move I am excited to do. I love the house, the location, everything about this house. I love the people who used to own it, I love the seventies lights, I love the gardens ~ you get it. I am so thankful and so happy to be moving. However we are moving at a bit of a busy time of year. My husband thought he would be able to take two weeks off work to do the renovations and get us moved and he couldn't. He has even had to be out of town during some of our renovation time.  I have packed  a lot of our stuff, I have painted over at the new house a lot but the amount of work still to be done is....can you guess? A lot.  In regards to painting ~ I have the hallway totally done and a couple walls of the living room. The dining room is also ALMOST done. We have three bedrooms totally ready for sleeping in so we know we can fit on Saturday when we sleep there. The kitchen though is far from done and will not be done for at least another week I'd say and when I say done that means I will  have cabinets and counter tops. I would still need to paint. There are two bedrooms that still need walls mudded, sanded and painted. We also need to get the house we are currently in fixed up and rented as soon as possible :)  We also need to put a suite in our new house~
HENCE, hence the need for hot chocolate!! When I think about it all I feel a bit frantic but at the same time I have my hot chocolate and I am okay.

  As the wind whips around the house and the children busily chat about times tables, sword fighting, headless tomatoes, and the baby talks about Santa's sleigh that he couldn't follow last night...
I am filled with feelings of awe  that this is really happening (this move) and  also warmth from the hot chocolate :)
  How have we come to this place? A place where life feels different. Life is a bit brighter and more hopeful, and there is not as much anxiety ruling but more logic and peace. We have traveled a road that has been so dark sometimes, so hopeless, so filled with angst and pain and anger. We have given up time and time again but have been pulled to our feet to continue on. This place we are in right now is kinder and we welcome the kindness. We have learned about our past, and we have journeyed so many unknowns. We have fought against the darkness and pursued light. We have been wounded and are on our way to deeper healing, we have been empty and been filled. We know life is not going to be easy from here on in. We have not reached some sort of place of perfection but we have reached a place where when we fall down we can help each other up most days rather then kick each other when we are down. I am talking about my husband and I. We are more of a team most days (in the past we were on opposing teams I'd say) and this house we are moving to holds significance to me as a symbol of how far we have come. It is weird to feel like we are not in this place of constant trauma or drama. It is weird to feel a bit of safety and confidence and it is good. It is so so good.

If you are in a place where what I just wrote makes you feel empty, let down, angry and grieved....
I have been there and I was there for a very long time. I offer this ~
Don't believe the lie you are alone and forgotten there is someone fighting for you.
Look for the light because it is always there somewhere.
Ask for help because there will be someone that wants to help you.
Try to let bitterness fly free as it eats away at your soul and make it small.
 These things are what has saved me on this journey of mine.

 You are precious and if you feel your preciousness is lost... it can be found. I promise. It is deep within you and it needs to be called forth. Your light will shine like the sun and your healing will appear. When you feel precious and confident the choices you make bring change and good. I wish we could go out and sip a cup of hot chocolate and I could carry some of your load. I would try not to say things that were trite and hurtful (I do that a lot in trying to 'fix' and 'problem solve' (my sisters can attest to this and my friends). But know that I care so deeply ~ So so much. Our burdens were not meant to be born alone.
xo