Marmee

 When my daughter told me she was pregnant I felt no shock at all. She burst into tears as she told me and stood before me full of trepidation. She was not married and was only nineteen. There are moments when I wonder if I have a touch of the Irish second sight you read about. I don't, but I do believe in Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and sometimes I know of things to come before they arrive. For example I knew I would get pregnant with a son at a certain time years before it came to be. With my daughter and her news I had  already seen it happen in a vision of sorts.  I told my husband my premonition and so he was not shocked either when we found out. I felt calm and steady because I had been forewarned. My daughter went on to get married and on Friday she had her precious baby. She had a son that she named after her father, her husband, and her Papa. I was at the birth.

This I did not foresee. Attending the birth of my grandson was not something I imagined would be in the cards. My daughter and I have struggled in our relationship as she is adopted and I was not her chosen mother. I have done what I could but I was so limited in my knowledge of attachment and had so little parenting tools when she moved in. If I could go back....but it's too late, and there are prices to pay for choices made.  She moved out of the house when she was seventeen and she was angry. She put good distance between her and I and I could not see a way forward. I did what I could and I tried to love and support in any way I could. Fast forward to August of this year ~ my pregnant and married daughter moved into our basement suite with her husband. She gave birth on Friday morning and I was with her. I was there. I still feel in awe of this.

I was one of the first people to see the face of my grandson as my daughter birthed him. She was strong and brave and full of all the beauty a woman can possess. I held her leg as she pushed out her baby boy and watched him take his first breathe and squint at the light the world offered. I heard his first cry and heard her first exclamations of greeting and comfort.

Miracles do happen

And miracles don't. 

At the same time that my daughter is choosing life and beauty my mother is choosing something far different, and it's so deeply sad. Her choices have impacted every corner of her life and my life as well. The weight of the grief of my mother and her choices have aged me and weighed on me in more ways than I could ever express. Since some of my earliest memories I have begged God to help my mother and to bring her joy and healing. This has never become reality.

This is the tangible truth of life. You hold both deep joy and fathomless grief. You enjoy and laugh while also feeling sadness and being on the brink of tears. We long to only feel good and joy and happiness and to get away from the draining of the grief. We disassociate and numb and do all the things to get away from it. However there are so many hours where it's just there and we can't. Lately at night when I finally lie down it is often 2am. As soon as I lie down my face starts to go numb. My lips feel cold and tingly. My body is going through so much. 

I know yours is too. This time of year holds so much. 

May we have the strength we need to continue on

And may we revel in the miracles while at the same time feel the weight of the grief that is so often there as well

May your Christmas be a revelation of the gift that Jesus is. May you feel His love and presence close.

Tansy