Reflections

 I love to give gifts. I really do. I am an acts of service person and the process of a gift ~ the thinking about the person, who they are, what they might like, what might make their eyes sparkle for a moment, then finding it and giving it to them....it makes me feel like an authentic part of myself. 

Something I find now is that in this day and age where I live people have so so much. Their houses are overflowing. Gifts are not always needed or wanted. Gifts can be a burden. 

This Christmas as I go to my beloved craft fairs and look for treasures and I write long lists and think about what might not add to clutter, what might be a need, what might be a help, what won't just disappear into a closet to be thrown out later....I often wonder if other people care as much as I do about all this. I know they do, but I also think how this whole part of myself...so many parts of myself....care about so many small details that it's painful. 

Today I bought wooden candles and chocolate and dates and honey and t shirts and a cd and egg nog and tiramisu and all of these things were gifts. I have gifts sitting in my brain waiting to be found and given. I have gifts coming from the Ukraine and who knows where they are stranded as our postal service is on strike. I keep trying to find time to search out things in thrift shops and wishing I knew where to find certain items.

I care

I care

I care

And my body feels it.

Tonight I sat in a chair in the hospital and I watched my mother suffer. My face was numb and my body was tight. She wanted out. She wanted freedom. All my life I looked for a gift to make her feel better. I tried to find the perfect remedy, the right gift that would make her face light up. I wanted her to feel better so so SO much. Christmas reminds me of all the times I would try so hard but I never quite got it right.

This is what I have learned

The 'perfect gift' is precious and kind and it matters

Yet my heart as much as it cares can't change or heal anybody. 

This Christmas I will give the honey and the dates and the t shirts and the headlamps and the bathrobe and the CD's and the books and calendars and craft fair treasures and the list goes on

And guess what is in all those gifts

A bit of my heart and a lot of my love

I have learned the hard way....the gifts won't heal anyone, they won't take away pain, but they help me feel like I exist. The gifts help me feel like I haven't given up. My heart will ache this Christmas as it always does. My heart longs for my family to be healthy and happy and for the gifts to draw people in, to help them feel loved. I have grown up enough to step back, see it all, and know what this all is. My heart for those I love is to feel whole, safe, known, treasured, thought of, cared for and valued. However that is for them to choose and to find.