Mother's Day is such a tender beautiful day. A day to celebrate and hold dear and cherish your mother. I mean, it's supposed to be that. However Mother's Day (as is any holiday really) can be so brutal. I remember one Mother's Day when my daughter was, in a way, estranged from our family. I felt gutted all day. I so wanted her to call me or stop by and she just couldn't. She did end up sending me a song that she sang for me and I cried so many tears of gratitude. However I also just felt this sense of emptiness. My child that I loved so dearly was out there, away, and not able to manage connection.
I have had mother's days where I have worked so hard to do something special for my mother. I wanted to somehow fill a void or help her maybe feel like motherhood was a happy thing or I don't even know. I just wanted her to feel positive. I wanted it to be a good day. It did not feel easy. It felt weighted.
Mother's Day can be so filled with pain and sorrow and heartache. I think that what I have learned now is that I can look for what there is to be celebrated. There might be a swirling mess in the motherhood situations in life but there are things to be celebrated.
Right now my mother has chosen to live in a locked facility rather than out in the free world. She has chosen to live there alone away from all family. It is so hard to fathom as a mother myself. This Mother's Day I wrote her a letter thanking her for all that she had given me as gifts as a child. The list was long. Through the day I had listened to a classical cassette tape of the composer Wagner's music that was from my childhood homeschooling days. I had listened to a CD by Natalie MacMaster. I had read poetry and had looked out at the Spring beauty marvelling at the first Roses blooming. All of these things were directly because of my mother. I have a closet full of pretty cotton dresses because my mother loved those and so did my grandmother and that influenced me. I have tiny little treasures all over my house because my mother loved them and had that as well. Nature nourishes me because my mother imparted the beauty of that to me. Although I could not find a card that felt appropriate for this Mother's Day I could write a letter and I did.
This Mother's Day every single child of mine lives IN my house. Tonight the baby fell asleep early for one of the first times since her birth and my other two younger children also fell asleep earlier than usual. My husband always goes to bed before anyone is asleep, but I was able to spend time with my teenage daughter and son and then my adult daughter and her husband popped upstairs to laugh about something as well, and my heart felt so full of thankfulness. This is one of the best times of my life right now. Last year felt like one of the hardest seasons. I was heartbroken and exhausted and just going through the motions. It is a good reminder that a lot can change and seasons are seasons. They can be so long and so life draining but they shift and change and so do we.
This Mother's Day I want to remember that I feel really tired still. I have a one year old baby who just yesterday managed to climb onto our roof through our railing on our balcony and who's life was narrowly saved by my son in law who scaled walls like Spiderman to save her life. I have a six year old who is the sweetest child ever. I have a ten year old who is already becoming a young man and who still snuggles in for hugs and who I adore. I have a fourteen year old who is so sweet and so funny and so cute and so grumpy and frustrating. I have an eighteen year old who has put me through the wringer but who is graduating and who is doing his absolute best to keep on keeping on even though it is so hard. I have a twenty year old who has a baby boy and who is doing such a wonderful job being an amazing mommy. I have a son in law who works hard, and who is a happy dad, and who loves his family. I am blessed among woman. I have worked so hard for this.
I wanted to encourage you this Mother's Day to do what you need to do
This might mean that you don't acknowledge your mother with a card or gift. Or maybe you might call her or send her a card but you might find it hard to find a card that seems appropriate because she has hurt you so deeply. Maybe your children are hurting you so badly that you regret ever becoming a mother. Maybe you've always wanted to be a mother and that has not happened and you feel so weighed down with despair you can barely breathe. My journey to motherhood started on a pretty desperate horrible note. I had some really brutal Mother's Days. I would be just devastated with despair and longing. There is no pat answer, no easy way through. However you are stronger than you think. You know how I know this ~ woman just are strong. They go through so much on a daily basis just to be in this world. You are strong and you matter, and so, you need to do what you need to do. Look at your heart and your soul and see what it needs and go from there.
Our mother's have shaped us, blessed us, hurt us, but they brought us here. They are a part of us. We are a part of them.
You are worthy, you are lovely, you are special, you are precious. You deserved to be mothered well and you deserved to be loved.
These are my rambling thoughts as this weekend begins and Mother's Day is something that sits like a weight we can't bear or we look so forward to.
God bless us all ~
xo
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