I have been in counselling with the same counsellor for seven years. I meet with her once a month online as she moved far far away a few years ago. I have hashed out the same issues over and over again. She is infinitely patient and kind. I couldn't do her job or manage me as a client but she is gracious and long suffering and she has blessed me so deeply. Something that I have talked about over and over again is this concept of taking up space. I don't put it in those words but in the end that is what it comes down to.
As human beings we take up space in the world by existing. However some people take up a lot of space. Just by being themselves they take up a lot of space. What do I mean by that? I can think of someone I know who speaks loudly, walks with confidence, is exuberant in their communication, and when they are in the room everyone knows. In their world they take up a decent amount of space. I can think of other people that I know who take up a very tiny amount of space. Their world is small and the people they have around them push them down smaller in many ways shapes and forms.
I think as we grow up we are clearly told how much space we can take up. I didn't understand this concept when my older children were younger. I tried to make their spaces small so I could take up more space. It was wrong and immature and I had no idea I was doing that. My children are all very strong willed and some more so than others. They do what they need to do to take up space but there are a few who are quieter and who have faded more.
Each person has this unique way of viewing their world and perceiving it as well, and some people give in and fade and others fight. They may fight loudly and stridently or they may be passive aggressive and quiet. Some people take up space with their joy and sunniness and others with their anxiety and anger. I say all this in such simple terms. I am sure there are much more eloquent ways.
I was wondering though how other people view their childhoods in that way?
Were you aloud to take up space? Did you feel seen and cared for and heard?
When you view your childhood through an adult lense with some emotional maturity sprinkled into the mix do you think you were heard and seen more than you felt? Or maybe even less than you realized. How has that affected the life you have chosen to live?
When I went away last Summer I went somewhere I had never been and visited people I didn't know very well. I had strict diet limitations that were bothersome but important. My hosts bent over backwards to accommodate me and they often ate the way I did as well. The whole trip was really focussed around my entertainment and showing me the country. I took up a lot of space during that trip. I noticed my reactions to this were quite extreme. My body and soul and spirit felt so out of place and almost flailing. I am so used to taking up a very small amount of space. It's choices I have made and a life I have created that does this. I can't really blame anyone else but myself. I keep thinking back to it though ~ the feeling of just being thought of, considered, put first and how quickly I felt more calm and happy. There were other factors in there as well that added to these feelings. However, what a gift to give to someone ~ allowing them to take up space!
My sister has also done this so kindly for me time out of mind. When she found out I could not have gluten she dove into gluten free baking and cooking for a while and it blessed me so much. She allowed me to take up space.
I wanted to say that having curiosity and compassion for yourself around this can be helpful. How much space were you aloud to take up? How much do you take up now? In what ways DO you take up space? For some people they literally make themselves bigger so they can physically take up space. For others they become loud and strident so people can hear them. For others they rule by sickness or disorders, and for others it can be how they dress or express themselves. Everyone takes up space somehow and it matters how.
You matter ~ you know? You always have.
You matter ~ may you take up the space you need to ~
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