Bike Riding into Glory

   Have you gone on a bike ride lately? I have not until today. When we lived on 'the farm' which was not that long ago but seems like a life time...I went for a lot of bike rides. The open road called to me :) I felt a certain wildness and freedom in biking. I usually rebelled and did not wear a helmet and let the wind pour through my hair and I rode down the middle of the road whenever I wanted to. It harkened me back to my childhood when I lived on Vancouver island and spent many an hour on my bike. I also started going for bike rides with a friend and I loved that. It just felt like I was doing something really REALLY good for myself.
   I feel like biking is a sort of regal experience. There is a Dutch woman who bikes around the town I live in and she always wears a skirt. I feel like if she could bike side saddle she would but she cant. So she wears her skirt and bikes with speed and finess. She is amazing and she does NOT wear a helmet. She looks regal.
Today I went for a bike ride. I wore my husbands black skate boarding helmet and my bike has a baby seat on the back. I looked a sight but I FELT like a princess.
   I was so thankful to be able to bike to the 'country' where the fields are a fresh green. Farmers were hard at work baling and horses' tails were swishing flies. Cows were happily munching and birds were singing. I rode past a lady on her knees among her rose bushes and brilliant red berries that were backed by split rail fences. I stopped for a while by an old farm house and listened to a rooster crow. I enjoyed the blue of the wild flowers growing on the side of the road and smelled fresh cut grass and the familiar smell of chickens. The morning air had gone past the crisp cool stage and had started warming up. The muscles in my legs felt a bit of burn which was such a wonderful feeling and I tried to allow my eyes to just take it all in. The sky was clear blue and you could feel everything around you enjoying the warmth of the sun. Now that my Pearl of a sister is with us I am hoping to get out and do little things like this more often. We all need these moments often and regularly. Inside of us there is a soul just wanting to unfurl and open and soak in beauty that is everywhere in color and splendor. So often I am bogged down by myself and all I struggle with. I see out my windows the green of the trees and the spires of the church, the distant mountain top, the glimpse of a sunset blaze but I am not IN it. Today while biking I felt IN it and a PART of it ~ at least my soul did. Now I am home again in the four walls but the children are happily coloring and the baby is humming and happy and these moments seem fewer than they should. So I am trying to feel full in this moment.

The Power of Touch ~ Our Family Needs Some Hug Therapy

   Today I was driving my four year old to a birthday party. While stopped at a light I observed two men on a bench waiting for a bus. One was old and one was young. The young one was drinking a bright blue gatorade and the older one was smoking a cigarette. They were chatting to each other but were sitting on the opposite ends of the bench as far away from each other as possible. I had already been thinking about it but for some reason these two men chatting away struck me as the epitome of our society in regard to touch. We are a society that fears touch and physical closeness. We try to never touch anyone. When you accidentally brush against someone in a store do you apologize quite profusely? Do you ever wonder why you do it? You didn't hurt them! I remember so vividly being on a sea bus with my husband and a young Asian man fell asleep beside him and just snuggled his head right on my husband's shoulder. People were videoing with their phones and smiling and giggling. It was really something they so rarely saw!!! My husband was kind enough to just let him sleep and when he woke up the poor guy was mortified. But really, was it that big of a deal? In our society it kind of is.
   Touch. I did a Internship program through a church when I was nineteen. While there I met a group of girls, who were my classmates, that were absolute gems. They became wonderful friends. Starting out in this program I was someone who had been void of touch for almost my entire childhood. I felt uncomfortable whenever anyone even tried to give me a hug (so I had touch aversion I guess). Some of the girls in this group were very 'touchy' in my mind. That basically meant that they though nothing of throwing their arms around you to give you a hug or giving you a back massage or just basically showing a healthy concept of touch. I noticed it right away. As time went on they noticed MY massive issues with touch! We ended up going on a trip to the Philippines and when we were there we noticed that the culture was a very hands on culture. Men walked around with their arms around each other, children always held hands, and it was just so natural. The girls decided that they needed to work on my touch issues so we would walk down the street holding hands or with arms around each other because we knew there no one would think anything of it. Through that whole year at Interns I was taught a lot of things but honestly what impacted me the most was the realization of how much I had been void of touch and how much touch must be important to the human soul. I will always be grateful to these girls for caring about me enough to try to help me feel like giving someone a hug was a wonderful thing and that touch was life giving.
   When I got married touch and the lack I had had growing up was even more glaringly apparent and when I became a mother ~ well ~ I just had to face things straight on. The weird part is for me ~ and I don't know how it is for others with this issue ~ but when someone hugged me or my child wantrd to hug me often I would feel like they were hugging a shell, that my actual self wasn't there to hug them. I also felt like in hugging them back I had nothing in me to give. It is hard to explain, but a hug is powerful, and when two people hug there is a deeper connection then just the physical contact. I felt my hugs were lacking in depth. It might not make sense but anyway I have been a mom for a while now and I have worked on this issue a lot but I still have so far to go!!
Touch is vital to a child's healthy brain development. Without healthy, nurturing touch a child's brain is damaged. Healthy nurturing touch brings healing so when a child (or an adult) has touch aversion ~ turning their face away from a kiss or holding stiff during a hug etc~  it is so important to go back in time and figure out why. Sometimes touch aversion has come from generations back and has been passed down and down. Sometimes it has been because the child was born premature and had to spend time in the NICU, there can be so many different reasons. It can help if the source is found and healing touch therapy begins.
 I am writing about it mainly because tonight I watched the DVD Healthy Touch by the TCU Institute of Child Development and it reminded me of yet another thing to keep working on. I think our family needs some hug therapy happening. My husband and I have gone through a lot in the twelve years we have been married. Our children have gone through a lot also and the two older ones have been immensely affected.I am wondering if some 'hug therapy' would help one of my children who is really struggling with causing a lot of fighting and stress in our home. After watching this DVD tonight I feel more strongly that I need to keep working on my personal issues with touch but also I need to make sure that my children are getting more than enough.
 I have one child who is very obvious about her need for a lot of touch. She needs to sleep WITH someone almost every night because she needs to snuggle. When she was younger she would often lift up the shirt of the person she was sitting by so she could nuzzle their tummy a bit. She often caught people off guard. She has been learning about safe boundaries now but she has been such a gift, such a reminder about how important and how life giving touch is. She often makes a happy humming sound when she is snuggling with me and I have noticed my baby doing this also. It is the sweetest little noise.
I hope that as time goes on I have the capacity to continue to heal and my children will be able to start a new generation of nurturing healthy touch families. I know my husband came from a family void of touch also.  Healing touch looks like gentle massage, smiling eye contact, hugs, hands on shoulders, high fives, a hand on top of the head, hand holding, the list goes on and our house needs it. I just wrote myself little notes and posted them in the bathroom, on the back door, on my stove and places where I would see them. Operation hug therapy begins tomorrow. Even if YOU don't have 'touch' issues it is still a great reminder to make sure that each day you send your loved ones off with a hug and smiling eyes and when they come home you do the same. All the best ~ XO

A Most Special Moment

I SHOULD be asleep. It is so hard to decide what is best.  A little moment of quiet where I madly type or laying down on the couch to maybe get a bit of sleep before my little guy needs me. I am choosing typing right now because I never want to forget today. Today...oh today. It had such a special moment. I have this little eight year old. Well he isn't so little anymore. He has very long gangly legs and a shy little grin and since I'm short he will pass me soon enough. He is so skinny and tall. He has had some unique challenges in life so far. He was my first full term pregnancy but he came after I had had to have chemo after cancer I had in my uterus as a result of a miscarriage. My pregnancy with him was really stressful and hard for many reasons. This little man was born with so much anxiety he couldn't digest anything and he has struggled with a lot of gut pain and anxiety since birth. He has faced a lot of other physical struggles as well but needless to say just getting out of our home and living a normal life has been a massive challenge for him. I was a very anxious and insecure mother for him because I had not clue what was wrong with him and with him being my first new born I had no clue what was normal or not. I did not have good doctors who really listened to me, and with the amount of screaming he did, and the no sleep I got, things were pretty rough. Fast forward to today. Today. Oh my word today! Today my eight year old participated in a mud obstacle course race with his older sister and his best friend. For him to do this is amazing on every level imaginable. I mean just the mud alone would have been impossible for him to handle not that long ago because of issue to do with textures. Then there is the fact that it was an obstacle course with different heights. His former terror of heights did not even let his father pick him up in his arms until not too long ago. This little one couldn't swing on swings or climb trees because he was so scared. He was able to balance on a balance beam and he handled the fact that it was raining and cold. He was wet and muddy (and if his shirt gets even a bit wet he MUST change ~ but today he was soaked and filthy and no panic). There were many people there and there was loud music. He had cried the night before all of a sudden just burst into tears saying he just could not do it. I had told him that it was fine he did not have to. We would just all go and if he wanted to do it he could but if it felt like too much he didn't have to. When he got up this morning he told me had had pinky sworn his best friend he would do it so he had too.He said he COULD NOT break a pinky swear.  He said this with such seriousness and his eyes behind his glasses were so solemn. His lip trembled but he put on his minion shirt (they were team minions) and his too small swim shorts that he has had since he was four, and his sandals and winter coat and headed resolutely out the door. When we got there the rain started to pour down and his little legs looked so bare and cold. I wondered if he would be able to do it. Well he did it no problem! He joined the big group of about fifty children (this little one still wont go to Sunday School and homeschools because of anxiety ~ large groups and noise he cant handle at all) and they did their jumping jacks in the pouring rain and then started off. His dad ran beside his team and he had his sister and friend for support but he did it by himself (no one holding his hand). He slogged through a lot of mud, climbed huge tires and balanced on logs, he ducked under things and made it through rope mazes (and for him to be able to do this with his depth perception issues ~ this little one couldn't even walk down stairs normally until a year ago ~ is a miracle) he climbed a high obstacle and went over and down the other side by himself, he ran through a massive water obstacle past his knees, he just did everything he needed to do. After he was done he was shaking with cold (he even had a small bleeding cut which just a couple months ago would have sent him into total panic mode) and he was so proud I could barely handle it I was so happy. He said quietly to himself ~ 'I will never forget this day ~ as he donned his first medal. I am so proud of him I could burst. This moment in our lives is something I hope every parent gets to have with their little one no matter what the situation. He felt victorious. He told me how he had done everything 'by himself!' Every one, at some point, needs a moment like this. Well today my little eight year old had his moment. It was amazing. Thanks Em (my neighbor and friend) for encouraging us to sign up for this. It was such a wonderful moment for our whole family xo

A Thankyou To Myself and the Thankyou You Might Need Today

Here I am in my minuscule corner of the world. It is Friday and its been a day where my children were FULL of vim and vinegar. It was intense because we have a small living space and they were rebounding off the couches and running and running. We had them outside as much as possible but they never ran out of the relentless energy. I was not alone, my sister backed me up, and we have made it through with everyone alive. Our highlight today was going to the Coop where we bought bunny food and a bunny toy. It had an old time general store feel and made me happy.
My key worker came over yesterday and we talked about a lot of things. She comes once a month and it seems like by the time she gets here I have  really veered off course. She reminds me of all I need to remember and helps me get back on track in all sorts of areas. Yesterday she talked to me about the unnoticeable things that happen in our lives and how when they are recognized sometimes it sprinkles a bit of fairy dust on a very ordinary happening. When she got back to her office she emailed me a list of things she wanted to point out in me that I was doing for my family that was important and special. It was so thoughtful and it got me thinking about all the things that happen every day in my life that go unnoticed by everyone but myself but that are important to keeping my family going. I sort of feel like I need to start thanking myself a little more for all I do every day to make life run a more smoothly, and to recognize that even though it is so small, if it was never done life would have a different feel here.I don't want to wait around for someone else to do it. I don't want to resent other people because they don't recognize it for me. Maybe you are a mom out there that is feeling worn and that needs a thank you. You have chosen to do the hardest most important job in all in the world ~
So thank you ~
for the massive grocery shop you do each week ~ I know it exhausts you and makes you want to cry sometimes but you do it because then your family has food
for all the dinners you have made as children fight around you
for all the fights you have broken up with patience
for every time you smiled into their eyes
for the kiss hello to your husband when all you want to do is say see ya and take off for a lot of hours
for changing the toilet paper so often
for cleaning out the sink so the next person can enjoy a clean sink
for changing the hand towel
for changing the dish towel and sink cloth
for scrubbing down the bathtub
for taking the time to write (or whatever you do for you) even though every second you are doing it the baby is screaming at you and grabbing at your arm because someone is always needing you (if you didn't take just a couple seconds to yourself you'd go mad)
for doing dishes all day
for keeping the children hydrated and fed
for doing laundry every single day and multiple loads
for washing mirrors and windows so people can see clearly
for making sure everyone has shoes and jackets every time we leave the house
for making sure everyone has baths and gets their hair washed multiple times a week
for making sure everyone every night gets their teeth brushed even though they fight you tooth and nail
for trimming those nails
for nursing each child through sickness and being there available whenever they need you no matter what time of night
for homeschooling your children because it is what they need right now and caring so much about what school they attend
for going to all the appointments, driving the drive, making the snacks, being the emotional support, through it all even though sometimes your heart is breaking at the news of whatever this appointment has brought. You remain strong. You are mom.
for keeping the bedding clean
for washing the fingerprints off the walls
for keeping the counters clean whenever you can
for cleaning out the toilet
for changing all those dirty diapers
for buying new toothbrushes or hair elastics or socks when someone needs them
for keeping people's drawers organized and neat
for picking up his dirty clothes off the floor again and washing them, folding them and putting them away
for caring about your friends so much and trying to make sure each one knows it
for checking in with your husband while he is at work because you care about how he is doing
for baking for your family
for caring about what each child likes and is interested in, what their strengths are, and encouraging them in that
for caring about keeping your children safe on social media
for reading quality literature to your children and ordering it on CD's if they dont like sitting and listening to books
for doing a good job running the finances
for getting your children outside in the sun and making sure they get to experience different facets of the outdoors
for attempting to start traditions and make happy family memories
for writing letters to your children from birth onward
for the baby books you have for each child
for the scrapbooks
for the photo albums
for the massive effort you undergo every day just to get out of bed and do all you need to do that day
for all the sick days you dont get to have
for all the lonely moments at home 
for the daily laying down of yourself and the moments when you cant go on any longer...but you do
for the treats you get your children because it makes them smile
for the birthday parties you have thrown
for the celebrations you have organized for your spouse because you love him so
for the massive every day effort you put into your family

They would not be all they are if it was not for you.
All these unnoticed things are so vital and YOU accomplish them. You are amazing
So thank you  :)

(this was my list but maybe you should make yourself one and read it, let it soak in....)

It's Autumn

A fleeting moment in this busy house to say ~ Happy first day of Autumn ~ 

How I KNOW That THIS is the Best Time of My Life

Sure I am tired. Okay so actually I am beat, exhausted and pretty much done for. It's been a long haul of children not sleeping in this family. I have had a lot of dark, tired and sad days feeling sorry for myself. I have been hormonal, emotional, grumpy and crazy. I have grumbled and complained and cried many a sorry for myself tear. However I just want to tell myself and you ~ that I am living the best time of my life and I KNOW it. Sometimes I don't feel it or see it in front of me but I KNOW it. So many moments throughout these days and nights of mine I am overwhelmed with a feeling... that this is the best.
I remember childhood and there were many incredible defining moments, I remember being a teenager and school and how wonderful and horrible that was, I remember being a young adult and going into marriage...I remember it all...but now, NOW I am a mom. I have been a mom for a while. I am not a new mom or an old mom I am entering the middle. I have learned a lot and have been told a lot. I have seen a lot and experienced a lot. All these stages of life have been momentous but they were all about me in so many ways. This mom me is different. This having to be the life giver, the nourish and soul shaper, the nurturer and peace filler its just crazy right?
 I have done the nights where I slept in the hallway because everyone was puking and I had to go between three sick children and a sick husband holding back hair and murmuring comfort. I have cooked and cooked and cooked and had food thrown in my face, given hair cuts and grown gardens. I have thrown birthday parties and cut toe nails, I have taught bike riding and nursed teething babies. I have cleaned a lot of crayon off walls and have washed floors only to have juice spilled on them two minutes later. I have cleaned poo off walls and floors and beds and other things, I have seen wonder filled eyes over first moments and have experienced the first time my baby called me mama. I have had tiny arms hug me tight and not so tiny arms hug me tight. I have seen myself through my children's eyes in my most ugly and my most beautiful. I have felt on top of the world and at the bottom of the hole, the biggest failure and the best mom ever. I have listened to the cutest giggles and been alongside my child as they came out of anesthesia screaming in terror. I have held my little one while she cried for her birth mother and my heart shattered just a bit more, and I have held my boy while he screamed in unknown pain for hours. I have watched the joy daddy's home coming brings and the excitement that the smallest treasure brings. I have listened to whispered prayers and watched my little girl learn to do her hair and choose her own outfits. I have listened to my tiny baby hum and seen her eyes light up at the sight of me. I have seen my son conquer fear and I have felt the agony of hopelessness and the pain of the what ifs. I have remembered and been reminded that each child has so many gifts and that each one is a miracle.
 I have observed that after children grow up so much changes. They are grown. All these moments of exhaustion and overwhelm and poo; all the crying and fighting and screaming, all the hours of make believe and total freedom to play, the feeling of being the most beautiful girl in the world, the most amazing boy in the world, the strongest and the most coolest....being so incredibly confident... and the total dependence on ME...the need for just ME ~ I KNOW that one day it will all be different. Oh I know I will always be mom and be needed, but it will not be the SAME as it is right now.
 Tonight as I lay in my bed for a little breather before bed time bedlam, what whispered in my mind was that one day I would be able to do that whenever I wanted to and for how ever long I wanted to (resting in bed). The house would be quiet and still and clean, and the fridge would empty so slowly. The toilet would be flushed and the toilet paper roll more full then empty. The laundry hamper would not be filled at the end of the day and the floor might be worth washing. However I knew as I lay there that I dont want that for a very long time. Even though this is hard and it wrings me out empty it is the empty that I want. This is the life for me, this is the pouring out of me that I want. This is what will matter in the end, this is the lasting, the imparting, the impacting that I want to have. This is what I love and want to love more.
So I want to remember that for tomorrow and the next day and the next when I want to run screaming down the street or I tell my four year old that mom is not my name. I want to remember that when I simply can't clean another dish or wipe another bum and my shoulder is smeared with snot because I am a human snot rag. Being this mom to these children has been bewildering and has brought about soul excavating and the need to discover the meaning of love on new unimagined levels. My sanity hangs on a delicate thread so many days and yet the love that fills me and the joy that floods me is nothing I ever would have felt or experienced without the sacrifice. So thank you my children. You are doing in me what never would have been done without your coming.  I take every single day and every single moment and I surround it with all the thank you's my heart can utter. I hope I can make it through until you all decide that sleep is what keeps people alive. I hope I can make it through until you all are potty trained and can blow your own noses.However, I will keep on realizing more and more and keep on remembering as time goes on that these moments of snuggles and snacks, temper tantrums and reading time and every single energy filled crazy moment....is the absolute best time of my life and with that being said; off I go to nurse the very tired, teething baby  who only I can comfort:)

Crying in Superstore

  Okay so are you ready for this? Sunday morning 9:19am I leave for Superstore. Last night at midnight both my husband and my sister (I'll call her Pearl) got up because Titus was screaming. I was on a desperate soother hunt. I was swearing and little crazy because as usual I had not had any sleep yet but they both came to my rescue. We did find a soother and Titus was soothed and I ended up with about four hours sleep when morning broke. With those precious hours under my belt I felt up to taking on Superstore and let me just say that when I got to Superstore I do literally feel like I am taking it on!!!! Superstore overwhelms me. Superstore has too many choices and most of them are not full of health or nutrition. I used to tear up every time I was in that store just feeling so overwhelmed with trying to feed this family of mine. I have very picky children in some respects and it has to do with texture issues and control issues, but it makes everything about food that much less joyful. SO Superstore is a bit of a battle ground for me. However it is the cheapest place to buy groceries and so that is where I go.
  We have been very low on groceries the last couple days, but I have not mustered up the strength to fight that specific battle. I prioritized other things, but this morning I felt like it was time, and everyone was hungry! So I jumped out of bed and put on some cleanish clothes, nursed the baby and got out the door in record time. I took my eldest with me as she is one of those personalities that is desperate to get out the door the second she opens her eyes in the morning. So if ANYONE is leaving the house that day no matter where the destination is she better be along for the ride. She is a great help to me and if she is along I find I cry less at the store. So off we went. Keep in mind it was 9:19am on Sunday (Sunday is usually my worst day of the week because I am so done from being so tired). A little tip for up and coming Superstore shoppers ~ on Sunday if you don't get there by about 9:30 just don't go at all. On Sunday everyone else in town as mustered up the energy to fight their own battle there and so they all descend around 10am, and if you are a church goer you are probably there just before lunch. You try to smile nicely at everyone else from your church who is there also, but really you just want to get out of there and get home. So get there at about 9:30 or earlier if you can.  Also a good cart is a blessing! Last week I had a cart that sounded like it was dying and therefore I wanted to join it in its death cries. A good cart weighed down by 500 pounds of groceries needs to be able to turn and be pushed on those tiny wheels as smoothly as possible. Once you get in the store if you have a good list that is somewhat organized by aisle or if you have a path you usually follow it can help things go more quickly. However today I was victorious in my personal battle like never before. I was out of Superstore with a $313.00 bill (and not spent on diapers if you know what I mean) in an hour. The store was busy but not crazy and I was underwhelmed enough that I could think somewhat clearly and my eyes were not blurred by tears. I even stopped in the egg aisle and helped an elderly lady who needed some eggs. I opened up the cooler door and yelled repeatedly until a nice young man came and assisted us. I would have climbed through the cooler into the back of the store to help myself if need be. That is how totally capable I was feeling today. I have never yelled through a cooler into the back of the store before and it might sound like I was being rude but I totally wasn't. When I got into my van I was shocked to see the time. I don't even know how it was humanly possible. We drove home and unloaded the van and I made sure my husband applauded my valor and super powers. When I was a teenager and trying my best to get straight A's in highschool little did I know that one of my biggest battles and therefore victories in life would be conquering Superstore.  I am glad I had no clue because I think I might have just given up right then and there. It is a weekly battle though and one that I seem to be winning more and more. The fridge is stocked now (and that seems to last less than a week these days...with seven people to feed!!!!!) and so onwards and upwards I go. Happy Sunday ~ I hope wherever you are and whatever you do you feel like you are winning your battles be they large or small!