That last week of August

   Here where I live the children don't go back to school until after Labor Day. We are in our last week of Summer freedom! My three oldest went for a swim today at the local outdoor pool (compliments of their Nana) and my little three year old (he had a birthday) and I went and ran errands. It was just the two of us. He had a soother in his mouth and just snuggled me as much as he could the whole time because he is tired. He still snuggles me. I can still scoop him up and hold him. I am so thankful because this week would be the week I would be birthing a new baby, and having the option of scooping up and snuggling my current baby is a precious gift I do not take forgranted. I was not due until September 3rd which is the day I lost my very first baby( back when I was twenty two) but I typically give birth early. I probably would have somehow held my body off from giving birth any earlier because I would have wanted to get my three year old's birthday celebrated, and I would probably have tried to wait for the weekend.

 Who knows if it would have worked, but no matter what would have happened...it is not happening now. I gave birth months ago in my bathroom, alone, doubled over by contractions, breathing through them and rocking back and forth in agony ~ just overcome. It was what it was ~  miscarriage. My mid wife was so matter of fact on the phone when I let her know what I thought was happening. She never called me to see if one had happened for sure or if I was okay. It is all pretty standard I guess ~ this type of loss. Yet to the person it is happening to ~ it is a completely unique heartbreak. Thankfully the doctor I saw the day before it all happened was incredibly kind and I needed that. I needed to feel like I mattered. He was the one that assured me I didn't need to go to the hospital (that would have made everything so much worse for me as hospitals are very hard places for me to be) unless certain things happened and that was why I chose to miscarry at home (I had had my suspicions that I was miscarrying and I was due for an ultra sound the day I miscarried).

  It is long done and yet there are lingering affects from it. It was all so unexpected.

 Today I was just thinking about the process of labor and delivery and how my birth with my three year old was. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I felt SO loved and supported. I had not felt like that in a long time and it was such a good reminder. It was also something to hold onto. When I 'gave birth' this time around to a tiny tiny baby I was alone. I was not alone for long mind you...sweet and loving friends came to love me and it was amazing. However there was that time of being totally alone and it was so remarkably different than before. That feeling has stayed with me as well.

  In my life I hope as time goes on that I can be there for others. The girls at my birth with my three year old, all my friends who showered me with love after losing my last baby...they helped me through. It is this love, this support, that is God's love in the flesh. We all deserve this love. We have this love from God ~ we really do ~ and when it is given here on earth from one human to another ~ it has power to heal in such deep ways. I guess maybe is what I am attempting to say is ~ don't forget the power your love can have ~ your love that flows through you from Jesus.

Have a wonderful weekend
Love Tansy


Here he is in all his blessed three year old glory ~ all dressed up for his birthday party by his older sister.

Here I am snuggling and nursing him on his three year old birthday. None of my other children nursed past one and a half years old. These special moments of connection have been a balm for my heart this last while.