It's A Tradition!

  Two weekends ago it was beautifully sunny and the perfect weather to purchase and bring home a Christmas tree, and we didn't get around to it! This last weekend was cold and cloudy with a lot of rain so we went and got our tree of course. I was nervous our kitten would knock it down and she hasn't. I thought we'd get a tiny tree, and we didn't. We dressed warmly and had the most drama free tree picking session in the history of our family. One year I remember my cousin and his wife came with us and our newest baby at the time screamed hysterically the whole half an hour drive up. I mentioned being dropped off at my parents or maybe on the side of the road with him and they could go on without said baby and I...it was that unbearable... and the cousins looked worried ~ and I am sure decided to wait even longer to have children...but we made it through! Every year when someone cries about not getting the tree THEY chose even it is was withered dead and about a foot tall....we make it through.
   This year however was pretty glorious and we loved every second of it. I made the littles wear full snow gear which was a very wise choice and when I missed the actual tree cutting the older family members kindly re enacted it for me. We came home and my husband did the lights and then disappeared which is normal...I noticed the three younger children were beyond excited still while my oldest was not quite as enamored. My three year old felt every single decoration was a treasure and was snuggling every precious thing. Here are some pictures ~

And there you have it! The tree is up and Christmas is five days away now. My three year old has not pre opened a single gift but every morning he wakes up hoping it is Christmas.
Have a great rest of your week!
Love Tansy

That Very First Day of Your Forever

Why do you do that!?
What is your deal?!
Seriously that is SO annoying...
Do you have to be sick right now?
Listen I got NO sleep and have NO patience so YOU deal with it.
Seriously just stop, do NOT touch me, I am so exhausted.

 Have you ever said any of those words to your spouse? Or at least thought the words, and many others? I saw a video today by Joy Prouty who is a photographer. She rode on horse back up a mountain and photographed a couple exchanging their vows. There was a video of them saying them and for a moment watching it conjured up this feeling of longing. I just wish for a second to go back my wedding day. To go back to that feeling that nothing in the world could take us down. That we TOGETHER were unstoppable ~ that our DREAMS mattered and WOULD be fulfilled. Snippets of moments of that day came to me. It is so long ago now really and so much has happened. I think the world has done a good job of trying to fracture any little bit of something we may have had.

  We start out weaker than we know. The first trauma, the first wound, the first big hard moment that comes up begins the testing. Everyone goes through it. Then all that you have been raised to be by your parents comes forth. You get to see the real you deep down and so does your spouse. Sometimes it isn't so pretty. Some take time to wonder why and realize that isn't who they want to be. Other's just blindly go and flounder and fall. Some sail through every storm with strength. However that day ~ the first day of your forever ~ is such a huge beginning and until we are a ways in we do not, can not, grasp the depth and width and height of what we are really promising. Till death do us part? REALLY? The ring on your finger that you gasped and cried over when it was placed on your finger...the yes you said, the tears you shed in wonder and awe....from that moment on you are entering a life that can only be lived by you and your spouse. It isn't easy for anyone. Imagine if you could going back to that moment with him (or her). Would you do it all over again? You chose to once, you've seen all this person is now, where their roots lie, and would you do it again?

  The reason I want to go back like I said before is to grasp just a bit tighter that feeling of strength. Even though, really, your bond is somewhat untested it FEELS SO UNBREAKABLE. Sleepless nights, infertility, poverty, grief....it all may lie ahead but in those moments you could care less and you said yes. You promised. Keep on keeping on. Remember that feeling. Pursue your dreams in whatever reality you can and pursue them together. Remember how amazing and perfect you thought your partner was? Is it almost laughable. Like could you imagine a huge fight with them? Did you ever imagine them hurting your heart? Probably not so much. Here is the thing though ~

 I am preaching to myself here every time, every single time.

You are just as strong, just as unbreakable as you were on that very first day. Time has maybe told you otherwise but I would say that that is a lie ~ that you in fact are even stronger, even more unstoppable because you have made it this far. Maybe walk in that for a while. I hope your head is held high and love shines like a beacon from your eyes like it did that very first day, because it was in you then and it still can be now. You are not beaten, you are not done, you together are still a promise, still a joy, still a purpose, still strong...

Love Tansy

*this does not apply if you are in an abusive relationship ~ and if that is your case ~ please get help!*

 

The Gift You Are

   In the last two weeks I have learned of two guys who are close to my age that have been given the news that they have cancer doctors will do nothing to treat. They basically have been given a warning that they have only a certain amount of time left here on earth, and it isn't a long time. Both men are married with young children. They have wives that love them. This news is devastating.

  Since I had cancer in my early twenties, and since the cancer rate here in my country is one in every two people, I always feel like there is some sort of cancer ticking time bomb just waiting, and who will be next that I love. As lives everywhere are so stress filled, so filled with internet and microwave and every other kind of waves, and our food is filled with chemicals, and the list never stops ~ how can we not be getting this sickness?

    It would be easy to give into anxiety and total fear every day for me in this regard. Somedays I am overcome I admit. Today though I am choosing to just enjoy every second I can. The view out my window, my three year old in massive cow boy boots, my seven year old adding all sorts of stuffies and little critters to the manger scene, my thirteen year old making lunch, the kitten purring ~ and onwards it goes. We only have right now. It is so hard to fathom that! It is so hard to live in this especially now as we are so distracted all the time by social media. I told my husband on the weekend that when he got home after a long day I just wanted to try to enjoy every second with him. I wanted to try just for that evening to live like we didn't have long together. Often evenings for us are strained as we both have so little to give. Yet if this was our last one...

  I hope today you feel like you can stop for a minute, focus in on how you are doing, how those in relationship with you are feeling, how you are choosing to live right now. It is important. Our lives are a gift. It doesn't always feel that way I know and during this season when closeness of family is highlighted and extra money is needed things can feel so discouraging or overwhelming or hard. Maybe you are sick or in pain. Maybe you are feeling so discouraged or overcome. There is maybe nothing about this moment you are in right now that seems good. However the good in this moment is that you are still here. With every breath you are taking you can be a gift.

  I remember being so so sick in the hospital (when I was having my first chemo treatment ~ it felt like I was dying a whole new kind of death) and sharing a room with an elderly woman who was not being treated kindly by the nurses. I was struck with how kind they were to me because I was so young but how uncaring they were to her. In the moment I felt so overwhelmed, in so much pain and so useless, but I had flowers someone had given me and she didn't. I struggled over to her bed and gave them to her before getting to go home. It helped that one  moment be a lot brighter than many others that day.

  So if you can ~ give something ~ a smile, a kind word, something from your heart, and remember that even in dark dark moments you are still here and can be a gift and that moment can count for so much.

 Love Tansy

Pretty

  We have a girl that has temporarily moved in with us and is helping me with many things but one of the best is cooking. She made a blueberry pie the other day and it just spoke to my soul :) She also brought beautiful eggs from her parent's home and THEY spoke to my soul. 

                                                                 It was delicious!

My oldest turned thirteen and we had a tea party. It was quite sweet.

                                                 A thrift store find that I adore.

A little bird that was unwell. My son could have held it in his hand if he wanted. It passed away that evening but for a while it ate and was chatted to.

                                                                He named him Pippin.

                                     A special birthday cake for my thirteen year old.

                                         An incredible birthday gift from a wonderful lady.

                                         Our first clear day in a long time. It was amazing.

   Yesterday we were doing Christmas crafts at a friends house. She had many precious decorations which I loved. None of these are mine.

  I hope your December is going well. This week my computers are trying to drive me mad. This one I am using now, I just turned on and it said a fatal error had occurred and any unsaved files would be lost. Thankfully it still turned on. Yesterday my brand new computer of three weeks died and nothing could be saved much less brought up. There was no reason. It worked just fine in the morning and when we got home in the afternoon it was done. It was awful. Thankfully we could exchange it which we did. Then we tried a lap top our homeschool had given us to try to do Math and although it had worked fine previously it decided it would not connect to the internet because it said it needed a cable it has never needed before. There was not much school work done today and we ended up just going for a glorious walk which we needed anyway! Have a great rest of you week xo

Anxiety Awareness

 How has your anxiety been lately? Like really? Have you been aware of it? Are you drowning in it? Or have you been feeling quite calm and at peace? I just hosted a birthday party for my thirteen year old, I also have been  trying to get a lot accomplished with homeschooling and have been Christmas planning and shopping so I have been trying to keep a gauge of my anxiety levels. I get angry when I am anxious. I yell and am nasty. We all have anxiety but some of us have less tools or capacity in regards to anxiety.

How do you deal with your anxiety? Do you yell like me? Do you run and hide? Do you shut down and shut up? Everyone's anxious looks different.

I grew up with a lot of anxiety around me. Both sides of my extended family have anxiety. I think the Second World War helped those levels a lot along with World War One and before that who knows. However it has been there for a long time. I had no idea however. I really had so little awareness about anxiety. I just tried to get through every day the best I could not knowing why I struggled so much. I just always did. It was exhausting.

When my first son was born I was introduced to anxiety in a way I could not ignore. Little did I know how close of a relationship I had with anxiety already. He had multiple issues but in later years he would be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

I started trying to sort out what was happening with my son and I started on a journey of learning about anxiety. I learned phrases like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and words like Cortisol and Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.

All of this opened up my eyes to realize that anxious children come from anxious parents or are products of traumatic situations that happened and that they have not been able to get past.

I was an anxious parents, my parents were anxious and the list continued.

So with that knowledge I had some choices. I chose to keep learning and to implement changes in my life and my children' lives to try to bring about peace.

This was really hard. It has not brought perfection but it has brought more peace. My son is doing so much better. He still struggles a lot but his anxiety is much much lower and his self awareness much higher.

Anxiety impairs your ability to learn, to grow, to thrive. Anxiety and stress is toxic to your system and you cannot really fully live with that as your constant state. Sometimes anxiety cripples in so dramatically that you cannot hold down a job or enjoy relationships.

If you have an anxious child and are overwhelmed and confused stop for a moment and examine your life. What kind of environment is your home? What kind of internal environment do you have? You are the Compass Rose to your child. You always have been. If you are safe and trustworthy, if you are their haven and they can trust that ~ they will be more at peace. If they can feel their home is a safe place, that their heart is safe there, they will feel more at peace. However if that is not the case with your own heart or your home...how can you expect them to heal or to really deal with their anxiety? It takes self awareness on your part and work on you heart to start helping your child.

I feel like when I was learning about all of this I came across a lot of parents who refused to look at their own selves. They focused on all different issues in their children's lives and provided all sorts of therapies and professionals but in my opinion peace and healing has to come from the source of the child which is you the parents.

As your child's parent it is your job. Does that seem impossible? Do you feel rejected by your child? Like it is not your job to be their safe place? I get it. I felt that way. I felt like I could never be a comfort to him, a safe place. I never had been before. I had just brought his anxiety up higher. I could never comfort him when he was freaking out. I just made it worse.

I realized though the truth. That I was his mother. He had been given to me. Therefore I was capable of being his safe place. I had to believe and own that. I had to forgive my self for feeling like I had let him down over and over. I had to ask his forgiveness and make strong changes. I had to be his safe haven because I learned how to be. It seemed impossible. It took time and it took confidence.

Our home went from one where I had a child melting down, screaming, and attacking me, throwing chairs, breaking doors, ripping his room apart, unable to do school work or go out in public places, not handling any change in any part of life, not able to wear most clothing and do so many things....to a home where my son is kind, compassionate, and self aware. He is still anxious and he still struggles but when he starts to melt down I am able to help him right away. I do not escalate with him I help him calm down. I am far from perfect but in my knowledge and with mentoring and support I have come along way and so has my son.

If you are struggling with anxiety in your home I would encourage you to not try to get through it alone. Find people with gentle empathetic wisdom that will encourage you, and hold you to truth. Be open to dealing with your own issues and owning up to your responsibility. You might have a lot of other things that feel more important than your own internal state and your child's. However for this season working through all these issues might just need to be the focus. It wont last forever but the rest of your life and your child's just may be transformed forever. It also could transform future generations of your family. It takes work but the pay off has such magnitude.

You are amazing. You can do this.

I believe in you!

Love Tansy

Another Walmart Moment

 Thirteen years ago I had a seemingly normal Walmart moment. I didn't realize it then but it was the very beginning of  a journey that would change my life forever.

 It was November and at the time Walmart was in a corner section of a mall. It was not all that big and only had one entrance. As I was walking in I saw a lady that I knew quite well and with her was a young girl that was very pregnant. They had a shopping cart, or maybe two, loaded with a box that contained a crib and all sorts of other baby supplies. I stopped and said hi and the lady introduced me to her newest foster daughter who was due to have a baby very soon. I smiled at her and said hi and after that we went on our way. That sweet girl gave birth to a little girl on December 4th, 2004. When she got home from the hospital I remember going and buying (from Walmart) a little sleeper for the baby. I went over and brought the sleeper and a card. My hair was really short and I was going through cancer treatment at the time. Little did I know that at that moment in Walmart that baby in that girl's womb was to become my daughter. In some ways I saw my daughter for the very first time in Walmart! How's that for a Walmart moment?!

  Tomorrow she turns thirteen. Time has crawled by sometimes and sometimes flown. Adoption is far from easy and parenting is the same. It is such a journey of the heart. A journey that at times breaks you wide open and always gives you opportunity to grow and mature and give.

  I am ever thankful for that November day years ago and I am so thankful for my oldest daughter. She is a precious gift to treasure all my days. It is amazing to think I will have a thirteen year old. As I enter this time of parenting my first teenager I pray for grace and wisdom.

Have a wonderful week,
Love Tansy

Here We Goooooooo!

   Happy December :)

  I don't know how your weather is today but here it is TYPICAL. The rain is pouring down it is as grey as could be, it is damp and cold and it wearies your bones! My children are fighting and bored and yet going outside is so cold and they get soaked. I was trying to find extra boots at thrift stores today for my three year old as his are wet inside from this morning. Now my seven year old is telling me my three year old has painted her dresser and carpet. I hear my ten year old yelling at my twelve year old who is trying to clean our house for her birthday party. Welcome December!!!!!!

  The continent I live on does a lot during December. People put up copious amounts of Christmas lights and decorations on the front of their houses. People spend decent amounts of money on a Christmas tree which is cut down and then they put in their living rooms and decorate them. People hang wreathes on their doors and decorate with pine boughs. People spend thousands of dollars (or at least hundreds) on Christmas gifts. People who NEVER send mail may write and send Christmas cards. People have Christmas parties and dress up and do Christmas dinners with family and with friends. It is just sort of a big month here. There have been Christmas décor in stores since October or earlier. People have so many traditions around this time of year....movies they always watch, places they go together, cookies they bake...the list goes on. There is advent and advent calendars. There are plays to see and Christmas pageants to attend or be in.

  Let me share some of the things we do as a family and I do myself.
First of all I buy a massive box of chocolates (Ferrero Roche) and I eat them whenever I get stressed...which is often. By the end of Christmas I have eaten A LOT of those chocolates. They sort of see me through.

  Second I figure out my extended family Christmas breakfast and if we are going to do a dinner. We also do a family gift draw each year so that just one person has to buy a gift for another person. This is with my side of the family. My husband's family does not often do much around this time of year together.

I often send out copious amounts of Christmas cards to friends and family all over the world. We sometimes make a birthday cake for Jesus.

  Things we do as well are getting a Christmas tree from the same place every year. We go on a little Christmas train locally. We drive around one night and just enjoy Christmas lights. On Christmas eve we open gifts from our immediate family gift exchange. We also do Christmas stockings and open them up first thing Christmas morning before we head to my parents for breakfast.

  How was your Christmas growing up? I feel like our Christmas was pretty typical. I feel like my parents were always stressed out to some degree. We never had copious amounts of money and they wanted everything to be right. We would get a tree and decorate it, we would make gingerbread men and decorate them, they would buy us presents. Some years however we just had no money and the Salvation Army would bring us hampers or our church would. We loved it (as children). I assume that was very hard on my parents especially my dad. I know our health was also usually quite bad around Christmas and I remember being sick a lot. I remember my dad often prepared a Christmas dinner for his extended family. I remember my aunties faithfully bought us special gifts as did our grandparents. I know that at Christmas I saw a lot of effort being put in for us as children to feel loved and thought of. As an adult now I empathize with the financial strain and effort that Christmas brings. I also realize that children do love gifts but they also love family time, traditions and fun experiences.

  When I got married I really wanted to have all these special traditions around Christmas. I wanted Christmas to be this perfect warm fuzzy family time. As the children came and times were hard I also realized how much effort these traditions took and also that my husband was not so into it. That was hard for me. This year it seems that he is willing to be more into the seasonal spirit and I am thankful but it has not always been that way. This year I also feel more relaxed about how things turn out. I want to enjoy my children and all we have been blessed with and focus on that.

  I think I have realized that no matter what happens...if you don't have money, if you can't have a big dinner, and can't purchase all the things, and if you feel like you are grieving...Christmas is really about love and peace and only Jesus can really bring that perfectly. Christmas is remembering His birth. You can get a lot of presents, eat a huge dinner, have a perfectly decorated tree and the list goes on but your heart can still feel empty inside. You can follow all the traditions in the world and still feel lost.

  Take some time to think of what Christmas means to you, how Christmas has felt to you in years past when you were a child. What kind of Christmas did you have? Was it stressful? Sad? Hard? Totally happy and perfect? Now that you are grown up you can take time to examine the why's and how's of your expectations around Christmas and why you do what you do. If you realize you have hurt around Christmas or sadness take time to examine why. You don't need to be stuck in that unless you choose to. Ask Jesus to help your heart heal.

  So as Christmas comes close ~  I hope you have many moments of feeling peace, safety and love. You are always cradled in Jesus' arms. You are perfectly loved and protected no matter how everything around you is.

Sending you love,
Tansy