A simple Wednesday it was and nothing thrilling planned at all. The clouds poured down from the sky endlessly and grey permeated everything it seemed. I felt like there was too much in my brain and I could not process it. I need to leave my house to process things. I need there to be a low energy ~ no expectations from me ~ setting to process I have realized. These days there is very little time for me to leave the house alone. I get tiny snatches of time here and there but it is not enough. With that being said I had this amazing moment in my home that really opened up a window in my mind that had been stuck shut and it happened because of Instagram.
I have been hating Instagram lately only because I stare at it mindlessly wishing for some fulfillment and feeling bored and tired. However I started to watch a live video by Joy Prouty who is a mother of five. Her husband is a ' homeschooling stay at home dad' and she is a photographer that works all over the United States. She started to talk about the depression she has decided to deal with lately. Her thoughts about it all and the thing she had learned were not exactly new but struck a chord in me. One of the sweetest things about her talk was all the woman chiming in saying they understood and how this was their story and for a brief moment I didn't feel so alone. It was beautiful. Feeling like you are the only one, this weird awkward misfit, can be demoralizing and paralyzing but truly we are never alone..EVER!
I thought I might as well share some things she spoke. This is for you if you suffer from depression and for me to look back on and remember the light that shone in for me on such a gloomy day.
I come from a family that has struggled with depression on both my father and mother's sides. I don't know how far back it goes but it is safe to say that depression and anxiety are pretty deeply engrained in me. I remember feeling a sadness and heaviness from a very young age. I had no tools to deal with it. I coped as best I could and have always kept going. However it would be wonderful if I could get to a place in my life and mind and being where depression was a memory and something that taught me many deep things but that wasn't something I battled so often.
Joy said she felt sad and heavy all the time and she said it was because of pain from childhood. I find that quite common with depression. We are so vulnerable as children and have so little capacity to properly understand and work through things that happen to us. So things happen that hurt, we don't know how to process the pain and it gets filed away somewhere deep so we don't have to think about it or remember it. However it is wound that is still there! It wont be able to heal without a lancing and bleeding and cleaning! Joy described her pain as sleeping inside her and that it had always been with her. Her wounds are abandonment and feeling unlovable. She said when it started to 'wake up' it came out as deep depression and feeling paralyzed because of feeling too much deep emotion. She said that she felt like it was hard to breathe. Like her breathe was stuck inside of her. She knew physically she was breathing but she was stuck. Has anyone ever felt that? I know that feeling so clearly. You just want the freedom to take a big deep breath!
She said she listened to a pod cast 'On Being' by Krista Tippet with Parker Palmer. He wrote a book called, 'Let Your Life Speak.' He spoke about talking about his depression to a therapist who said he was presenting his depression like the hand of an enemy crushing him. The therapist asked if there was any way he could think of the depression as the hand of a friend trying to press you down on ground
on which it is safe to stand.
Parker than gave some word pictures ~ That it was like a figure walking behind you talking to you trying to tell you something but you ignore it. The figure gets louder and closer and you keep walking away because you are in free will and you don't have to listen. Finally this figure is screaming at you and because you still don't listen all of a sudden it must drop the atomic bomb of depression on your head so you will listen. Joy likened this figure to the Holy Spirit or your soul. She presented the option of just turning around and asking the figure what it wanted. What needs to be dealt with?
That is where the friend piece comes in. If you can view this depression as a friend trying to tell you that you need help and that your soul is crying for some sort of healing and freedom it is such a different picture than the crushing hand of a foe.
We need tools to deal with depression and time. We may have a startlingly empty tool belt no matter our age. We may have very little self awareness. Our body may be breaking down not just mentally but physically as well from all the 'things' we in our 'free will' refuse to seek healing for.
Is your heart broken and dead on the floor? Can you look at it like your heart is broken all the way open to hold the range of human experience? (Joy Prouty and Parker Palmer)
There is healing for your soul and your heart ~ for all that pain. It takes work and consistency and someone needs to teach you what your own tools are and how to pick up those tools and use them. We need to learn about self love, self care, about empathy and peace and relaxation. Everyone's journey is so unique but we all need the same things!
Joy talked about empathy and compassion and about needing community ~ So many good things she presented in this live talk and I am grateful. There were so many reminders that I needed and like I said a window was opened in my soul that had been stuck shut. Fresh cool life giving air rushed into my soul and refreshed me.
Blessings to you ~
Tansy
