Light

Light

My own reflection I saw in the light

It had been so lost in darkness

I was surprised to really see myself

I could not look away.

I saw past my skin, flew past the physical

Beyond

And I saw light.

Radiant ~

My own refection I saw in the light.

It has been so lost in darkness

I was suprised to really see myself

I could not look away.

Somehow I could tear back that ever present veil

I could rend loose the chains

I had scaled many walls

Transcended the physical

My spirit was waiting

Delicate, quivering jewel that it was

And I saw light

Radiant

I was surprised to really see myself

I had expected something less than what it was

Something void or deep or bitter

And I saw light 

That was not my own

Radiant

It fills me

And I cannot look away

Breathe

Today I have a quiet moment and since I have finally started a blog I have been taking some time to reflect. I have about thirty journals and drawers filled with pages of writing. In this reflection my extreme anxiety stands out. Since I have had my fourth baby I have taken steps to lower my anxiety levels in ways I was not able to before because of lack of knowledge. Always I have searched ways to remedy and heal this rawness in me but it takes such a long journey, and is such a hard road, as anxiety hampers and clouds everything. Reading through journals give me a sense of sadness for myself and loss too. I still struggle with anxiety a lot. However most days I am aware of it even if I dont know what is causing it. I try to find the root, and take time to breathe and help it ease. When I am anxious I usually retreat to bed because my nerves are so raw and the energy in my household overwhelms me. From each bedroom window in the houses we have lived in I have had the luxury of seeing trees. These trees bring me comfort. There is just something about them. So I wrote down some thoughts at different times about these trees. Here they be xo

Sometimes as I huddle in my bed
Asking for relief from too much in my mind
Anxiety has taken its toll
And I am worn
I see a tree
Or two
The wind brings it to life
I see the steadfastness
The strength, faithfulness and power to withstand
That tree reminds me of who I want to be
And its just a tree
But its helping me breath



When I was seven my family moved onto a farm on Vancouver island from a BC Box in the town of Chilliwack. Our family is full of anxiety and it goes back generations on both sides. When we moved to this farm it was a haven in the sense that the beauty surrounding it was not to be ignored even by a seven year old. It's call was powerful. I would spend hours sitting by the creek or walking in the forest or out in the fields.We lived there till I was thirteen and the call of creation is cemented in my soul. Being outside got me through the hell that living there was because of what my family was going through. So when I was sitting in my bed months ago trying to breath and get through a hard day I remembered being so young and being out among the trees.

I stare at the trees
Trying to absorb
Some of their green beauty
Some of their strength
Some of their movement
Into my soul
I am in my bed
In a house
In town
So I look out a window
I only see sections
Of the trees
But my spirit reaches out to them
As my mind remembers
Long ago freedoms
Long ago relief
From this agonizing anxiety
A mind's ease
Being out among the trees

Drift

Glorious Sweat

Glorious Sweat. I have been trying to 'work out' lately. My brother made me a personalized ten minute work out video with everything in one minute increments. It was absolutely genius for me..And it totally killed me! The one minute thing is so wonderful...he is saying..'okay, only thirty more seconds' and I am thinking, 'surely I can do thirty more seconds!!!'(yet feeling like maybe I can't)! Yup... so perfect for me. So I started off with that but soon realized that I had separated stomach muscles and that the tread mill, that had been sitting unused on my deck for almost a year, was really upset about that fact. I needed to make up to Gloria (my treadmill) and start using her. I have been trying to do my ten minute work out video, ten minutes on the treadmill and then some exercises specifically for my separated muscles. When I use Gloria I realized that I could sort of keep track of how many calories I burn and how far I walk. Yup not many calories burned and I have yet to walk a mile. However the day I had sweat pouring off me I felt like a super star.
It's funny the way my mind has worked. At first I just worked out in my bare feet and whatever I was wearing at that moment. Next I dusted off the old runners and tried them on for size and realized I needed new socks. Then I felt like maybe I wanted to 'look' cute when I worked out. Well that dream died pretty quickly when I tried on 'cute' work out clothes. I realized you only look cute when you are the size you actually want to be and are just working out, well, I am not sure why you still are. It does get addicting right?  That's why you are still working out? I mean it better get addicting soon!!! Anyway so I dropped that dream and bought horrid shorts that I will not been seen in public in and a long shirt that sort of covers them.  All you Lulu girls...YOU look fabulous, but no brand name can fix or assist what I have going on over here!
I also was then on a hunt for a sports bra. I have not worked out in years...YEARS. I am a nursing mom so I am a little more 'endowed' than usual and usually I am not really endowed at all. So for all you ladies out there who are, 'endowed,' WOW!!!! what a challenge! Most bras I tried on were a joke and really no support at all. I needed way shorter straps, more support, and anyway I ended up with one from Old Navy.  I still dont love it, but I was not going to spend a ton of money on a bra that I wanted simply to sweat in. I will never be one of the lovely ladies that are confident to work out in only a bra and bottoms and nobody wants me to be. So that was checked off. Now I have runners AND new socks, a pair of hideous shorts, a shirt and a bra, my own personalized work out video, Gloria my treadmill, and four children who happily hamper my every attempt at movement.
 I have also realized yet again how completely hilarious and intense I look after a work out. The last time I worked out my husband said....'well you LOOK like you worked hard.' I wonder why? Would that be because I look haggard and my skin is the color of a tomato? I dont glow when I work out, I struggle to keep my shoulders back and my stomach sucked in. It's like a camel trotting or something. In highschool there was a girl who always looked like a gazelle when she ran. It was not something she tried to do. It was just natural! And when I worked at a coffee shop there was a girl who stopped by regularly after her daily 'glide'. She would comment on how many miles she had run and she was stopping by for her triple thick caramel frappachino.  She looked like Claire Danes, this dear one, and she was tall and she literally just glowed when she worked out. When she ran it looked like she was gliding and glowing and managing to look like life was pleasant and beautiful and inspiring as she ran. When I run I am exhausted after about thirty seconds and so I am buckled down using pure mind over matter. My face is scarily flushed, I am heaving, and no matter how in shape I get I don't see that changing. I just don't have the glorious sweat genes. I don't hold it against the ones that do. I am happy for them. Sort of... 
So we'll see where this working out phase takes me. So far I think I am gaining weight because I am even MORE hungry with the nursing and the working out. However I feel like I am stronger and right now strength is what I need. If you are in a 'working out phase' I wish you well. Also if you are one of the chosen who glows when she sweats ~ get out there and light up the world. I wont resent you for a second! I'll just be on my covered deck on Gloria where I am hoping to work at least a quarter of my ass off and where I feel at my best. Really though, even though I am more a camel than a gazelle when I work out and look more like a tomato then a rose...the fact that I am working out, that I have the energy, and care about myself enough to do this, is all the glorious needed. May you love yourself enough to get your glorious on in whatever way, shape or form that looks like. xo

Wander Wild

When I wrote the poem about the field I also wrote this one ~ to preface it ~
I think there is a place in everyone where they feel truly alive, truly themselves, and for a woman...truly beautiful. This is where they can 'Wander Wild' because there is nothing holding them back. Once upon a time when I was about eleven I was sitting in a van by a nude beach. I saw a woman dancing along the shore at the waters edge. She was naked and her dance was full of so much abandon and so much beauty it made me want to cry. It was a cold grey day. I knew already at that age that I had never felt freedom to that degree. As humans we are created to feel unique, beautiful, connected, and free to be ourselves. Some settings call that out in us more than others :)


Wander Wild
Along a grassy slope
Do you need a hat?
Beautiful swishing skirt?
Or gum boots for your pleasure?
Wander Wild
Astride a strong smooth mare
Feeling the freedom of the expanse
Eyes soft with wonder
Colors so vibrant
Perfectly expressed
Exquisitely created for that purpose
To dazzle senses
Wander Wild
Wherever you may go
Soar to freedom
Unfettered from care

Peace

In us there is a deep need for peace. The relief that peace brings does much for our bodies both physically, mentally and emotionally.As children we see our parents seek peace in different ways. My mother went for long walks alone and my dad watched TV and ate.
I took a course that taught the participants to write down their five senses and then under each sense write a list of things that comforted them ~ brought their spirit peace. Some of the items on my list were sipping on hot chocolate, the cadence of rain drops, the smell of hay, the feel of my pillow on my cheek, and fresh bread baking. All of these things bring me to a place where my heart beat slows, my breathing is level, and I feel safer ~ or I feel a sudden sense of happiness. However I have also realized that for a lot of people there is something that calls to them more deeply in the great outdoors. For some it is gazing at mountains or being in the mountains, for others it is sitting by a river or a gurgling creek, for others it is a campfire or the ocean or being up in a tree.For others it is a garden or being on a horse. I realized in the last couple years that there is something in all those things that bring me comfort but one of the biggest ones for me is being in a field. I had the privilege of living on the edge of a wide open field for almost two years. My kitchen window opened up to this field and I spent hours absorbing its splendor as each season graced it in different garments. There were so many days the beauty opened up something deep inside me that had been closed for a long time. It brought me the peace I needed and a healing of sorts. I encourage you to spend a bit of time figuring out what brings your senses peace. Then take some time to immerse yourself in peace whenever you are able. I wrote this poem about the field one day. By the way.... In some posts I will have pictures to accompany them. However I am not a photographer and do not have a good camera but I  do love taking pictures. However many posts will not have a picture to accompany them.

 I would love that the words open up your mind to a vision all your own. 

Field of spring grass

A hiding place for little ones

Ripples

Waves

Individual

Simultaneous

Touching, entwining,

Waving

Whispering

Bowing

Jewelled by dew

Vibrant

Fresh

Nourishment

Soul haven

Dazzling in the sun

Eyes Feast

Wander wild in the beauty

Not quite defined

Sleep Sweet

When the house is quiet

All the energy that courses, non stop, while everyone is awake ~

Is quietly breathing 

sprawled out in the sleep of a child.

Dreams are being dreamed

The house is full of the day

Clothes everywhere

Every towel in the house wet in every room

dishes here and there

Shoes have traveled far

Feet are still dirty

Summer has made its mark

Grace pours in through the quiet

Rejuvenation comes to kiss my brow

In this sweet hour of peace

Keep sleeping little ones

Keep dreaming

xo