Breathe

Today I have a quiet moment and since I have finally started a blog I have been taking some time to reflect. I have about thirty journals and drawers filled with pages of writing. In this reflection my extreme anxiety stands out. Since I have had my fourth baby I have taken steps to lower my anxiety levels in ways I was not able to before because of lack of knowledge. Always I have searched ways to remedy and heal this rawness in me but it takes such a long journey, and is such a hard road, as anxiety hampers and clouds everything. Reading through journals give me a sense of sadness for myself and loss too. I still struggle with anxiety a lot. However most days I am aware of it even if I dont know what is causing it. I try to find the root, and take time to breathe and help it ease. When I am anxious I usually retreat to bed because my nerves are so raw and the energy in my household overwhelms me. From each bedroom window in the houses we have lived in I have had the luxury of seeing trees. These trees bring me comfort. There is just something about them. So I wrote down some thoughts at different times about these trees. Here they be xo

Sometimes as I huddle in my bed
Asking for relief from too much in my mind
Anxiety has taken its toll
And I am worn
I see a tree
Or two
The wind brings it to life
I see the steadfastness
The strength, faithfulness and power to withstand
That tree reminds me of who I want to be
And its just a tree
But its helping me breath



When I was seven my family moved onto a farm on Vancouver island from a BC Box in the town of Chilliwack. Our family is full of anxiety and it goes back generations on both sides. When we moved to this farm it was a haven in the sense that the beauty surrounding it was not to be ignored even by a seven year old. It's call was powerful. I would spend hours sitting by the creek or walking in the forest or out in the fields.We lived there till I was thirteen and the call of creation is cemented in my soul. Being outside got me through the hell that living there was because of what my family was going through. So when I was sitting in my bed months ago trying to breath and get through a hard day I remembered being so young and being out among the trees.

I stare at the trees
Trying to absorb
Some of their green beauty
Some of their strength
Some of their movement
Into my soul
I am in my bed
In a house
In town
So I look out a window
I only see sections
Of the trees
But my spirit reaches out to them
As my mind remembers
Long ago freedoms
Long ago relief
From this agonizing anxiety
A mind's ease
Being out among the trees