I Hate My Toilet

I have to just say....I hate my toilet.
Now in just saying that a wave of something akin to horror washes over me.
There are A LOT of people in the world that dont have a toilet. So why I think I have any right to hate this lovely white porcelin invention that magically swallows all our family's waste I dont know. However, this is my North America, to rich to really understand how grateful I should be, rant.
We have one toilet and five people using it. The baby would LIKE to use it but he uses it for the wrong things so I am constantly yelling...SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR. I tell him his time is coming.
When we moved into this house I found it very unfair that the tenants downstairs, moving into their two bedroom suite, had two bathrooms, but that was just the case. My husband and I tried to think of every way we could add an extra toilet into the upstairs of this house. I considered one just nestled in the corner of my small bedroom or in my closet. I thought of one on my partially covered deck...ANYWHERE where there was some plumbing in my house was fair game. We live in the upstairs of a house that has three bedrooms, one bathroom with a stackable washer and driver crammed in it plus one sink and a toilet and bathtub. Pulling my laundry out of the dryer involves some maneuvering especially when the baby is trying so assist. The whole place is just crammed with us. I even tried to get a second toilet installed in the bathroom where the washer and dryer were and the washer and dryer moved to a hall closet but no can do. We had very limited money and no matter how hard we wracked our brains it just was too much time and money. The way the house is layed out we just could not add one on anywhere.
That being said, the level of privacy in our home is basically non existent. Why just a couple days ago my friend was visiting and she was having a shower. Being the absolute angel that she is she did not lock the door (in case of a dire bladder or other emergency) and of course my four year old bounced in announcing she needed to, 'go pee' and assured my friend she would not flush the toilet. The four year old thought nothing of it. I heard her happily chatting to my showering friend. My friend managed to play it cool. She had already been walked in on the night before so she was getting used to it I guess. When my husband gets home from work he wants to take a shower. It does not matter if I get every single child to use that toilet before he gets in the shower...the spirit will move and someone will be in a panick. My husband yells for them to use the back yard and I expertely unlock the door using a butter knife. The poor man, but I will not have my children using the back yard for all to see. We are ghetto enough as it is thank you very much!
So about this toilet.
It gets used A LOT
Before we moved here the toilet was used A LOT as the house was very full
So this toilet has been faithful for a long time
I REMEMBER this toilet well from through the years
Because it does NOT like to flush and it hasn't for years.
When we moved in I wanted a new toilet but once again somehow other things like counter tops and fresh paint got in the way.
So I have three children using the toilet. None of them flush regularly. Posted signs, friendly and not so friendly reminders...just nothing has sunk in. Now if this was when I was little, living on our farm where we ran out of water in the summer time.... so we were not allowed to flush, that would be perfect. I really appreciate that fact that we have the option of flushing and so I get maybe more frustrated than the average person when the toilet is not flushed. 
This toilet though really hates flushing. So in order to flush it the handle must be held down until the bitter end. Sometimes that doesn't even work. It is getting to the point that I stand there holding the handle cursing in my head and trying to remind myself that I HAVE a toilet. I am not using a bucket or digging a hole in the back yard. I am also so sick of being the only person in my house that changes the toilet paper roll, but I digress.
So I am finding that to get a (ahem) number two down this toilet it can take up to three flushes and it seems that if one child needs to go it causes an interesting dancing line up in the hall way, and everyone needs to go desperately! So I am starting to have to stand there for quite a while flushing and flushing and flushing
I. just. cant. handle. it. any. more. (get it....handle it :)
So
Anyway
I hate my toilet
I just texted my husband and told him to not come home without a new toilet today
I doubt he will. He is so tired from such a long week. All he needs is to be trying to install a new toilet as children are crying and screaming to use the one he is uninstalling.
I am not someone who goes out and buys house hold appliances. I sort of leave those types of things up to him. However I can envision myself marching into Home Depot with the four children, baby on my hip and picking out the most capable looking toilet. It will have to go through a lot of crap and will need to be up for the mammoth job.  And putting it in my van...the one that does not have a trunk. Who makes a family van without a trunk? Someone who is insane that is who. So I'd get this toilet, load up the kids and one of them would have to be snuggling the new toilet. What if it fell over? Someone would be crushed.
 I just.cant.even.

That is my Saturday rant
I better go clean the dang thing
Maybe that will encourage it to want to flush with a little more gusto.