Bike Riding into Glory

   Have you gone on a bike ride lately? I have not until today. When we lived on 'the farm' which was not that long ago but seems like a life time...I went for a lot of bike rides. The open road called to me :) I felt a certain wildness and freedom in biking. I usually rebelled and did not wear a helmet and let the wind pour through my hair and I rode down the middle of the road whenever I wanted to. It harkened me back to my childhood when I lived on Vancouver island and spent many an hour on my bike. I also started going for bike rides with a friend and I loved that. It just felt like I was doing something really REALLY good for myself.
   I feel like biking is a sort of regal experience. There is a Dutch woman who bikes around the town I live in and she always wears a skirt. I feel like if she could bike side saddle she would but she cant. So she wears her skirt and bikes with speed and finess. She is amazing and she does NOT wear a helmet. She looks regal.
Today I went for a bike ride. I wore my husbands black skate boarding helmet and my bike has a baby seat on the back. I looked a sight but I FELT like a princess.
   I was so thankful to be able to bike to the 'country' where the fields are a fresh green. Farmers were hard at work baling and horses' tails were swishing flies. Cows were happily munching and birds were singing. I rode past a lady on her knees among her rose bushes and brilliant red berries that were backed by split rail fences. I stopped for a while by an old farm house and listened to a rooster crow. I enjoyed the blue of the wild flowers growing on the side of the road and smelled fresh cut grass and the familiar smell of chickens. The morning air had gone past the crisp cool stage and had started warming up. The muscles in my legs felt a bit of burn which was such a wonderful feeling and I tried to allow my eyes to just take it all in. The sky was clear blue and you could feel everything around you enjoying the warmth of the sun. Now that my Pearl of a sister is with us I am hoping to get out and do little things like this more often. We all need these moments often and regularly. Inside of us there is a soul just wanting to unfurl and open and soak in beauty that is everywhere in color and splendor. So often I am bogged down by myself and all I struggle with. I see out my windows the green of the trees and the spires of the church, the distant mountain top, the glimpse of a sunset blaze but I am not IN it. Today while biking I felt IN it and a PART of it ~ at least my soul did. Now I am home again in the four walls but the children are happily coloring and the baby is humming and happy and these moments seem fewer than they should. So I am trying to feel full in this moment.

The Power of Touch ~ Our Family Needs Some Hug Therapy

   Today I was driving my four year old to a birthday party. While stopped at a light I observed two men on a bench waiting for a bus. One was old and one was young. The young one was drinking a bright blue gatorade and the older one was smoking a cigarette. They were chatting to each other but were sitting on the opposite ends of the bench as far away from each other as possible. I had already been thinking about it but for some reason these two men chatting away struck me as the epitome of our society in regard to touch. We are a society that fears touch and physical closeness. We try to never touch anyone. When you accidentally brush against someone in a store do you apologize quite profusely? Do you ever wonder why you do it? You didn't hurt them! I remember so vividly being on a sea bus with my husband and a young Asian man fell asleep beside him and just snuggled his head right on my husband's shoulder. People were videoing with their phones and smiling and giggling. It was really something they so rarely saw!!! My husband was kind enough to just let him sleep and when he woke up the poor guy was mortified. But really, was it that big of a deal? In our society it kind of is.
   Touch. I did a Internship program through a church when I was nineteen. While there I met a group of girls, who were my classmates, that were absolute gems. They became wonderful friends. Starting out in this program I was someone who had been void of touch for almost my entire childhood. I felt uncomfortable whenever anyone even tried to give me a hug (so I had touch aversion I guess). Some of the girls in this group were very 'touchy' in my mind. That basically meant that they though nothing of throwing their arms around you to give you a hug or giving you a back massage or just basically showing a healthy concept of touch. I noticed it right away. As time went on they noticed MY massive issues with touch! We ended up going on a trip to the Philippines and when we were there we noticed that the culture was a very hands on culture. Men walked around with their arms around each other, children always held hands, and it was just so natural. The girls decided that they needed to work on my touch issues so we would walk down the street holding hands or with arms around each other because we knew there no one would think anything of it. Through that whole year at Interns I was taught a lot of things but honestly what impacted me the most was the realization of how much I had been void of touch and how much touch must be important to the human soul. I will always be grateful to these girls for caring about me enough to try to help me feel like giving someone a hug was a wonderful thing and that touch was life giving.
   When I got married touch and the lack I had had growing up was even more glaringly apparent and when I became a mother ~ well ~ I just had to face things straight on. The weird part is for me ~ and I don't know how it is for others with this issue ~ but when someone hugged me or my child wantrd to hug me often I would feel like they were hugging a shell, that my actual self wasn't there to hug them. I also felt like in hugging them back I had nothing in me to give. It is hard to explain, but a hug is powerful, and when two people hug there is a deeper connection then just the physical contact. I felt my hugs were lacking in depth. It might not make sense but anyway I have been a mom for a while now and I have worked on this issue a lot but I still have so far to go!!
Touch is vital to a child's healthy brain development. Without healthy, nurturing touch a child's brain is damaged. Healthy nurturing touch brings healing so when a child (or an adult) has touch aversion ~ turning their face away from a kiss or holding stiff during a hug etc~  it is so important to go back in time and figure out why. Sometimes touch aversion has come from generations back and has been passed down and down. Sometimes it has been because the child was born premature and had to spend time in the NICU, there can be so many different reasons. It can help if the source is found and healing touch therapy begins.
 I am writing about it mainly because tonight I watched the DVD Healthy Touch by the TCU Institute of Child Development and it reminded me of yet another thing to keep working on. I think our family needs some hug therapy happening. My husband and I have gone through a lot in the twelve years we have been married. Our children have gone through a lot also and the two older ones have been immensely affected.I am wondering if some 'hug therapy' would help one of my children who is really struggling with causing a lot of fighting and stress in our home. After watching this DVD tonight I feel more strongly that I need to keep working on my personal issues with touch but also I need to make sure that my children are getting more than enough.
 I have one child who is very obvious about her need for a lot of touch. She needs to sleep WITH someone almost every night because she needs to snuggle. When she was younger she would often lift up the shirt of the person she was sitting by so she could nuzzle their tummy a bit. She often caught people off guard. She has been learning about safe boundaries now but she has been such a gift, such a reminder about how important and how life giving touch is. She often makes a happy humming sound when she is snuggling with me and I have noticed my baby doing this also. It is the sweetest little noise.
I hope that as time goes on I have the capacity to continue to heal and my children will be able to start a new generation of nurturing healthy touch families. I know my husband came from a family void of touch also.  Healing touch looks like gentle massage, smiling eye contact, hugs, hands on shoulders, high fives, a hand on top of the head, hand holding, the list goes on and our house needs it. I just wrote myself little notes and posted them in the bathroom, on the back door, on my stove and places where I would see them. Operation hug therapy begins tomorrow. Even if YOU don't have 'touch' issues it is still a great reminder to make sure that each day you send your loved ones off with a hug and smiling eyes and when they come home you do the same. All the best ~ XO

A Most Special Moment

I SHOULD be asleep. It is so hard to decide what is best.  A little moment of quiet where I madly type or laying down on the couch to maybe get a bit of sleep before my little guy needs me. I am choosing typing right now because I never want to forget today. Today...oh today. It had such a special moment. I have this little eight year old. Well he isn't so little anymore. He has very long gangly legs and a shy little grin and since I'm short he will pass me soon enough. He is so skinny and tall. He has had some unique challenges in life so far. He was my first full term pregnancy but he came after I had had to have chemo after cancer I had in my uterus as a result of a miscarriage. My pregnancy with him was really stressful and hard for many reasons. This little man was born with so much anxiety he couldn't digest anything and he has struggled with a lot of gut pain and anxiety since birth. He has faced a lot of other physical struggles as well but needless to say just getting out of our home and living a normal life has been a massive challenge for him. I was a very anxious and insecure mother for him because I had not clue what was wrong with him and with him being my first new born I had no clue what was normal or not. I did not have good doctors who really listened to me, and with the amount of screaming he did, and the no sleep I got, things were pretty rough. Fast forward to today. Today. Oh my word today! Today my eight year old participated in a mud obstacle course race with his older sister and his best friend. For him to do this is amazing on every level imaginable. I mean just the mud alone would have been impossible for him to handle not that long ago because of issue to do with textures. Then there is the fact that it was an obstacle course with different heights. His former terror of heights did not even let his father pick him up in his arms until not too long ago. This little one couldn't swing on swings or climb trees because he was so scared. He was able to balance on a balance beam and he handled the fact that it was raining and cold. He was wet and muddy (and if his shirt gets even a bit wet he MUST change ~ but today he was soaked and filthy and no panic). There were many people there and there was loud music. He had cried the night before all of a sudden just burst into tears saying he just could not do it. I had told him that it was fine he did not have to. We would just all go and if he wanted to do it he could but if it felt like too much he didn't have to. When he got up this morning he told me had had pinky sworn his best friend he would do it so he had too.He said he COULD NOT break a pinky swear.  He said this with such seriousness and his eyes behind his glasses were so solemn. His lip trembled but he put on his minion shirt (they were team minions) and his too small swim shorts that he has had since he was four, and his sandals and winter coat and headed resolutely out the door. When we got there the rain started to pour down and his little legs looked so bare and cold. I wondered if he would be able to do it. Well he did it no problem! He joined the big group of about fifty children (this little one still wont go to Sunday School and homeschools because of anxiety ~ large groups and noise he cant handle at all) and they did their jumping jacks in the pouring rain and then started off. His dad ran beside his team and he had his sister and friend for support but he did it by himself (no one holding his hand). He slogged through a lot of mud, climbed huge tires and balanced on logs, he ducked under things and made it through rope mazes (and for him to be able to do this with his depth perception issues ~ this little one couldn't even walk down stairs normally until a year ago ~ is a miracle) he climbed a high obstacle and went over and down the other side by himself, he ran through a massive water obstacle past his knees, he just did everything he needed to do. After he was done he was shaking with cold (he even had a small bleeding cut which just a couple months ago would have sent him into total panic mode) and he was so proud I could barely handle it I was so happy. He said quietly to himself ~ 'I will never forget this day ~ as he donned his first medal. I am so proud of him I could burst. This moment in our lives is something I hope every parent gets to have with their little one no matter what the situation. He felt victorious. He told me how he had done everything 'by himself!' Every one, at some point, needs a moment like this. Well today my little eight year old had his moment. It was amazing. Thanks Em (my neighbor and friend) for encouraging us to sign up for this. It was such a wonderful moment for our whole family xo

A Thankyou To Myself and the Thankyou You Might Need Today

Here I am in my minuscule corner of the world. It is Friday and its been a day where my children were FULL of vim and vinegar. It was intense because we have a small living space and they were rebounding off the couches and running and running. We had them outside as much as possible but they never ran out of the relentless energy. I was not alone, my sister backed me up, and we have made it through with everyone alive. Our highlight today was going to the Coop where we bought bunny food and a bunny toy. It had an old time general store feel and made me happy.
My key worker came over yesterday and we talked about a lot of things. She comes once a month and it seems like by the time she gets here I have  really veered off course. She reminds me of all I need to remember and helps me get back on track in all sorts of areas. Yesterday she talked to me about the unnoticeable things that happen in our lives and how when they are recognized sometimes it sprinkles a bit of fairy dust on a very ordinary happening. When she got back to her office she emailed me a list of things she wanted to point out in me that I was doing for my family that was important and special. It was so thoughtful and it got me thinking about all the things that happen every day in my life that go unnoticed by everyone but myself but that are important to keeping my family going. I sort of feel like I need to start thanking myself a little more for all I do every day to make life run a more smoothly, and to recognize that even though it is so small, if it was never done life would have a different feel here.I don't want to wait around for someone else to do it. I don't want to resent other people because they don't recognize it for me. Maybe you are a mom out there that is feeling worn and that needs a thank you. You have chosen to do the hardest most important job in all in the world ~
So thank you ~
for the massive grocery shop you do each week ~ I know it exhausts you and makes you want to cry sometimes but you do it because then your family has food
for all the dinners you have made as children fight around you
for all the fights you have broken up with patience
for every time you smiled into their eyes
for the kiss hello to your husband when all you want to do is say see ya and take off for a lot of hours
for changing the toilet paper so often
for cleaning out the sink so the next person can enjoy a clean sink
for changing the hand towel
for changing the dish towel and sink cloth
for scrubbing down the bathtub
for taking the time to write (or whatever you do for you) even though every second you are doing it the baby is screaming at you and grabbing at your arm because someone is always needing you (if you didn't take just a couple seconds to yourself you'd go mad)
for doing dishes all day
for keeping the children hydrated and fed
for doing laundry every single day and multiple loads
for washing mirrors and windows so people can see clearly
for making sure everyone has shoes and jackets every time we leave the house
for making sure everyone has baths and gets their hair washed multiple times a week
for making sure everyone every night gets their teeth brushed even though they fight you tooth and nail
for trimming those nails
for nursing each child through sickness and being there available whenever they need you no matter what time of night
for homeschooling your children because it is what they need right now and caring so much about what school they attend
for going to all the appointments, driving the drive, making the snacks, being the emotional support, through it all even though sometimes your heart is breaking at the news of whatever this appointment has brought. You remain strong. You are mom.
for keeping the bedding clean
for washing the fingerprints off the walls
for keeping the counters clean whenever you can
for cleaning out the toilet
for changing all those dirty diapers
for buying new toothbrushes or hair elastics or socks when someone needs them
for keeping people's drawers organized and neat
for picking up his dirty clothes off the floor again and washing them, folding them and putting them away
for caring about your friends so much and trying to make sure each one knows it
for checking in with your husband while he is at work because you care about how he is doing
for baking for your family
for caring about what each child likes and is interested in, what their strengths are, and encouraging them in that
for caring about keeping your children safe on social media
for reading quality literature to your children and ordering it on CD's if they dont like sitting and listening to books
for doing a good job running the finances
for getting your children outside in the sun and making sure they get to experience different facets of the outdoors
for attempting to start traditions and make happy family memories
for writing letters to your children from birth onward
for the baby books you have for each child
for the scrapbooks
for the photo albums
for the massive effort you undergo every day just to get out of bed and do all you need to do that day
for all the sick days you dont get to have
for all the lonely moments at home 
for the daily laying down of yourself and the moments when you cant go on any longer...but you do
for the treats you get your children because it makes them smile
for the birthday parties you have thrown
for the celebrations you have organized for your spouse because you love him so
for the massive every day effort you put into your family

They would not be all they are if it was not for you.
All these unnoticed things are so vital and YOU accomplish them. You are amazing
So thank you  :)

(this was my list but maybe you should make yourself one and read it, let it soak in....)

It's Autumn

A fleeting moment in this busy house to say ~ Happy first day of Autumn ~ 

How I KNOW That THIS is the Best Time of My Life

Sure I am tired. Okay so actually I am beat, exhausted and pretty much done for. It's been a long haul of children not sleeping in this family. I have had a lot of dark, tired and sad days feeling sorry for myself. I have been hormonal, emotional, grumpy and crazy. I have grumbled and complained and cried many a sorry for myself tear. However I just want to tell myself and you ~ that I am living the best time of my life and I KNOW it. Sometimes I don't feel it or see it in front of me but I KNOW it. So many moments throughout these days and nights of mine I am overwhelmed with a feeling... that this is the best.
I remember childhood and there were many incredible defining moments, I remember being a teenager and school and how wonderful and horrible that was, I remember being a young adult and going into marriage...I remember it all...but now, NOW I am a mom. I have been a mom for a while. I am not a new mom or an old mom I am entering the middle. I have learned a lot and have been told a lot. I have seen a lot and experienced a lot. All these stages of life have been momentous but they were all about me in so many ways. This mom me is different. This having to be the life giver, the nourish and soul shaper, the nurturer and peace filler its just crazy right?
 I have done the nights where I slept in the hallway because everyone was puking and I had to go between three sick children and a sick husband holding back hair and murmuring comfort. I have cooked and cooked and cooked and had food thrown in my face, given hair cuts and grown gardens. I have thrown birthday parties and cut toe nails, I have taught bike riding and nursed teething babies. I have cleaned a lot of crayon off walls and have washed floors only to have juice spilled on them two minutes later. I have cleaned poo off walls and floors and beds and other things, I have seen wonder filled eyes over first moments and have experienced the first time my baby called me mama. I have had tiny arms hug me tight and not so tiny arms hug me tight. I have seen myself through my children's eyes in my most ugly and my most beautiful. I have felt on top of the world and at the bottom of the hole, the biggest failure and the best mom ever. I have listened to the cutest giggles and been alongside my child as they came out of anesthesia screaming in terror. I have held my little one while she cried for her birth mother and my heart shattered just a bit more, and I have held my boy while he screamed in unknown pain for hours. I have watched the joy daddy's home coming brings and the excitement that the smallest treasure brings. I have listened to whispered prayers and watched my little girl learn to do her hair and choose her own outfits. I have listened to my tiny baby hum and seen her eyes light up at the sight of me. I have seen my son conquer fear and I have felt the agony of hopelessness and the pain of the what ifs. I have remembered and been reminded that each child has so many gifts and that each one is a miracle.
 I have observed that after children grow up so much changes. They are grown. All these moments of exhaustion and overwhelm and poo; all the crying and fighting and screaming, all the hours of make believe and total freedom to play, the feeling of being the most beautiful girl in the world, the most amazing boy in the world, the strongest and the most coolest....being so incredibly confident... and the total dependence on ME...the need for just ME ~ I KNOW that one day it will all be different. Oh I know I will always be mom and be needed, but it will not be the SAME as it is right now.
 Tonight as I lay in my bed for a little breather before bed time bedlam, what whispered in my mind was that one day I would be able to do that whenever I wanted to and for how ever long I wanted to (resting in bed). The house would be quiet and still and clean, and the fridge would empty so slowly. The toilet would be flushed and the toilet paper roll more full then empty. The laundry hamper would not be filled at the end of the day and the floor might be worth washing. However I knew as I lay there that I dont want that for a very long time. Even though this is hard and it wrings me out empty it is the empty that I want. This is the life for me, this is the pouring out of me that I want. This is what will matter in the end, this is the lasting, the imparting, the impacting that I want to have. This is what I love and want to love more.
So I want to remember that for tomorrow and the next day and the next when I want to run screaming down the street or I tell my four year old that mom is not my name. I want to remember that when I simply can't clean another dish or wipe another bum and my shoulder is smeared with snot because I am a human snot rag. Being this mom to these children has been bewildering and has brought about soul excavating and the need to discover the meaning of love on new unimagined levels. My sanity hangs on a delicate thread so many days and yet the love that fills me and the joy that floods me is nothing I ever would have felt or experienced without the sacrifice. So thank you my children. You are doing in me what never would have been done without your coming.  I take every single day and every single moment and I surround it with all the thank you's my heart can utter. I hope I can make it through until you all decide that sleep is what keeps people alive. I hope I can make it through until you all are potty trained and can blow your own noses.However, I will keep on realizing more and more and keep on remembering as time goes on that these moments of snuggles and snacks, temper tantrums and reading time and every single energy filled crazy moment....is the absolute best time of my life and with that being said; off I go to nurse the very tired, teething baby  who only I can comfort:)

Crying in Superstore

  Okay so are you ready for this? Sunday morning 9:19am I leave for Superstore. Last night at midnight both my husband and my sister (I'll call her Pearl) got up because Titus was screaming. I was on a desperate soother hunt. I was swearing and little crazy because as usual I had not had any sleep yet but they both came to my rescue. We did find a soother and Titus was soothed and I ended up with about four hours sleep when morning broke. With those precious hours under my belt I felt up to taking on Superstore and let me just say that when I got to Superstore I do literally feel like I am taking it on!!!! Superstore overwhelms me. Superstore has too many choices and most of them are not full of health or nutrition. I used to tear up every time I was in that store just feeling so overwhelmed with trying to feed this family of mine. I have very picky children in some respects and it has to do with texture issues and control issues, but it makes everything about food that much less joyful. SO Superstore is a bit of a battle ground for me. However it is the cheapest place to buy groceries and so that is where I go.
  We have been very low on groceries the last couple days, but I have not mustered up the strength to fight that specific battle. I prioritized other things, but this morning I felt like it was time, and everyone was hungry! So I jumped out of bed and put on some cleanish clothes, nursed the baby and got out the door in record time. I took my eldest with me as she is one of those personalities that is desperate to get out the door the second she opens her eyes in the morning. So if ANYONE is leaving the house that day no matter where the destination is she better be along for the ride. She is a great help to me and if she is along I find I cry less at the store. So off we went. Keep in mind it was 9:19am on Sunday (Sunday is usually my worst day of the week because I am so done from being so tired). A little tip for up and coming Superstore shoppers ~ on Sunday if you don't get there by about 9:30 just don't go at all. On Sunday everyone else in town as mustered up the energy to fight their own battle there and so they all descend around 10am, and if you are a church goer you are probably there just before lunch. You try to smile nicely at everyone else from your church who is there also, but really you just want to get out of there and get home. So get there at about 9:30 or earlier if you can.  Also a good cart is a blessing! Last week I had a cart that sounded like it was dying and therefore I wanted to join it in its death cries. A good cart weighed down by 500 pounds of groceries needs to be able to turn and be pushed on those tiny wheels as smoothly as possible. Once you get in the store if you have a good list that is somewhat organized by aisle or if you have a path you usually follow it can help things go more quickly. However today I was victorious in my personal battle like never before. I was out of Superstore with a $313.00 bill (and not spent on diapers if you know what I mean) in an hour. The store was busy but not crazy and I was underwhelmed enough that I could think somewhat clearly and my eyes were not blurred by tears. I even stopped in the egg aisle and helped an elderly lady who needed some eggs. I opened up the cooler door and yelled repeatedly until a nice young man came and assisted us. I would have climbed through the cooler into the back of the store to help myself if need be. That is how totally capable I was feeling today. I have never yelled through a cooler into the back of the store before and it might sound like I was being rude but I totally wasn't. When I got into my van I was shocked to see the time. I don't even know how it was humanly possible. We drove home and unloaded the van and I made sure my husband applauded my valor and super powers. When I was a teenager and trying my best to get straight A's in highschool little did I know that one of my biggest battles and therefore victories in life would be conquering Superstore.  I am glad I had no clue because I think I might have just given up right then and there. It is a weekly battle though and one that I seem to be winning more and more. The fridge is stocked now (and that seems to last less than a week these days...with seven people to feed!!!!!) and so onwards and upwards I go. Happy Sunday ~ I hope wherever you are and whatever you do you feel like you are winning your battles be they large or small!

New Camera attempt

 This is for me to monitor my progress. This is my first official time taking pictures on my new camera. I still don't know a thing about my lenses and was just trying out a few settings on the camera after attempting to watch a You Tube video on it for the umpteenth time while my baby interrupted many times. There is such a fine line between having eyes to see what is beautiful and being able to do it justice in the capturing. I can see the blurriness but I also know what I wanted to capture. I have a long ways to go but it's a start. Finding time to do this while children need need need is going to be a challenge. Just getting this on here and writing on this blog is near impossible. I am going to soldier on though because I really need this tiny outlet in my life :) And that is all

Shar

I have this friend who I have had my entire life. Funny thing is I met her in this very living room where I sit now. Back then my parents were just renting this house for a while and her mom brought her over to introduce her to my mom (her sister) and to me ~ she was my first girl cousin on my mom's side. This house is a weird one by the way. I also met my daughter in this house and it was the house she was brought home to from the hospital. Now we live here ~ where she lived as a baby and where I lived as a baby. Full circle of life this house is. 
A couple nights ago this friend (my cousin) was over and she was sitting on the couch and I was too and we had our babies with us.Our husbands were in the back yard with all the other children. My mom walked in and had a flash back of herself and her sister sitting on couches in this very living room with their babies. As a mother you have no idea how life is going to go and you have no clue how your children will be when they are older. You have hopes and dreams and wishes. You have love and faith. I think if our mom's sat together and looked at us now they would see two girls who are such deep friends. Two girls with eight children between the two of them and a ninth on the way (for my cousin). They would see girls who were committed to their children deeply, who wanted to be really connected, loving wives and mothers, who wanted to make a difference and an impact. I hope our mom's would feel glad they brought us together and faithfully nurtured our friendship.I think it was one of the most wonderful things they did for us (among the many). There are so many parts of who I am now because my cousin has been such a faithful, loving and truth filled friend.
There is so much value in friends who have lived your whole life with you. Who have stood the test of adolescence and young adulthood. Who have been along side you for those high school crushes and heart breaks, who have stood by you through the engagement and wedding showers and been in your wedding. Who have been with you through the grief of loss and the harshness of sickness that you didn't know if you'd live through. There is something to be said for a friend you know will tell you the truth, ask you the hard questions, encourage you to keep on, tell you what you need to hear when you dont want to hear it...because they know you so well and they love you so much they have to say it.
We have gone through such interesting stages together...I mean all the stages. We are at a really great one now. Every stage has been spangular but this one...where we get to see our children playing together and living life together while we try to keep everyone alive and in one piece at the park, or where we go for a walk late after children are in bed each with a baby strapped to us, or where we walk along as best we can with big pregnant bellies hashing out all our problems. I am so thankful that I have had my cousin with me through life. I cant even say how thankful I am. I mean I can't describe how much she has impacted me and changed me. She has shown such confidence and grace and maturity through so many hard times and it has challenged me. She has been so strong and practical when I was falling apart. She has reminded me of beauty and thankfulness and joy and has been such a wonderful and kind friend. Since its your birthday today I have been thinking a lot about you and all you are to me. Sometimes a person needs to be reminded of the impact they have on the people in their lives....you have been a shining star to me all through. So Thanks ~ Happy birthday ~I  Love you so xo

New Babies Coming

Having babies. I have a couple friends right now that are due to have babies soonish. I say the ish because they could still be pregnant for a month or babies could be here any day. I have another friend due in November. When you are so close to that sweet baby arriving there is so much going on. You are trying to figure out or remember what exactly you need packed in the bag for if you are going to the hospital or if you are going to be home. You may be setting up an amazing nursery or just trying to find the play pen to tuck in a corner somewhere. You are washing little pieces of clothing, buying diapers and a going home outfit and at least one comfy nursing bra, you are trying to imagine how the birth may go or trying to not think about it at all. You have more regular appointments with your doctor or midwife and the reality that this baby is going to be here finally is settling in. Nine months is a good long time, especially if you have been sick the entire time. Having the flue for almost a year or having to take insulin is the pits. Its time for that to be over!!! There are so many fears that can creep in. You try to square your shoulders and pray for the best, hoping and believing all will go well. Hoping and praying for strength if things don't.
Some organized (or more energetic) ones will make some meals for after the baby comes and do some baking to freeze. Some people do the paper work for maternity or paternity leave. Sleep is usually elusive and you have to get up over and over in the night because the baby is so low your bladder does its best but it just cant keep up. Veins are usually at their peak capacity and I know for me I felt so done and so emotional. Some woman have had such a hard hard time and have just suffered through every day. Some woman have not had a moment of trouble.
Also no matter if you know if its a girl or boy, and if you have names picked out, you can never be QUITE sure who will come out. No matter how much you DO know you still don't know the cute features or the sound of his/her voice and all the little crooks and crannies. You don't know personality or eye color or how their toes will be shaped, and there is so much mystery surrounding this new little miracle entering the world. It is so incredibly exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Are you up for this? The nursing hours, the possibility of not a lot of sleep for a long time, the total and complete sacrifice? Are you up for the emotional breakdowns, the unstoppable crying? Are you ready for the beauty of your heart bursting at the seams with new and astonishing love in all its glory? Are you ready for a whole life together with this little new one? It is so massive this accomplishment of yours. It is so intense ~ this change that is coming. Just remember that through it all when the going gets to be a lot ~ don't let yourself feel alone. Reach out. Also you were made for this so you can do this :) And...congratulations I am so excited for you!!!!

Failures and F's

Failure. Something that haunts me sort of  a lot. I have not totally put my finger on it ~ the why. Why do I fear this? I mean obviously it is not a GOOD thing to fail. Well maybe that isn't always true. Sometimes failing is necessary. I think maybe I come from a long line of people who FELT like failures. I think that in my blood there is this fight to not fail, but a deep seeded fear that no matter what ~ I am ALREADY a failure because I have been right off the bat. I think back on growing up and my parents and my grandparents and my great grandpa that I remember and I remember a feeling of them wanting to pass something down, to not be forgotten, to feel that they impacted me, made a difference, that they were a deep important part of who I became. I think that in a lot of other ways in their lives they might have felt like they didn't measure up to someone. That is the whole thing about failure right? Who exactly tells you that you failed? Who holds that measuring stick? I think it is different for everyone. I remember in school I obsessed about getting perfect grades but you know what, even perfect left me feeling hollow. I just wanted to measure up and feel like I was worth something and somehow I put a lot of stock in those grades. Those thoughts and that standard came from a couple different places in my life. However my point is that it didn't make a difference. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how well I did sometimes I had a moment of feeling like I was not failing or letting someone down or that I had finally measured up and then I'd go right back to the fear again. I am so sick of that ya know. Tonight I had a talk with one of my littles. They were crying and feeling like they were failing something and they so weren't. I mean they hadn't even STARTED the thing they were feeling like they were failing. It's funny because a couple days ago I got a new camera and the first thought that went through my head when I was walking out the door of the store was, 'I better not fail at this.' Right away I started feeling failure. That I wouldn't do this camera justice. I'm sorry, THE CAMERA? You know you've got a problem when you catch yourself worrying that your going to let a camera down!!!! My friend just returned from an epic hike. At one point in the hike she got stuck in mud and was totally mired down. It made me think of failure. That is how it feels. It feels like you are totally mired down in mud and the more you want to get out sometimes the deeper you can sink. Failure is sometimes an illusion and can be an excuse. Failure is a perception in many instances. Sometimes yes, you have totally failed :) Sometimes you can't get around that F. However in many, and I mean MANY, situations ~ failure needs a good slap. Failure needs to get gone. Failure needs to take a hike ~ because....you're not going to accept that as your reality. You are going to keep you head up, you are going to take a deep breath and tell yourself that no matter how much you have 'failed' you have. right. now. Sometimes that means parenting, or your job, or other relationships, or money, your weight issues, how you cope with pain....it can mean anything!
I am saying,  You have right now!!!! You have from this moment on.
I am so sick of this failure fear that bogs me down. I am so sick of the message that swirls around, that always has, that sick shiver that I am not living up, that I have to try harder, that I am letting someone down, that no matter how hard I try I wont be enough. You know what? All that may be true to some degree because no one is perfect and no one can be the be all end all, but I have to just say that I am no failure. I have accomplished a lot of wonderous and great things in this world. I bet you have too. I bet if you look back on all your long or short years you will see a lot of wonderous things you have accomplished. I think it's important to start writing that down as your story and letting that be the message that floats around in your mind. I think you need to start singing THAT song in your heart and letting THAT light shine through your eyes. Failure is a vice. It is a WASTE of TIME!
It is probably obvious that I am preaching to myself. I so am. Cause I am done. Done with feeling like a failure in my parenting, my marriage, my friendships and in my relationship with God. I am so not a failure and that is THAT! AND ~ neither are YOU! So failure ~ put that in your pipe and ...well never mind. Just next time you feel that old familiar  message~ remember that it's a lie. You are not a failure and neither am I. It's just one of those moment where I need a little pep talk and maybe someone else out there did too!

Marriage on my Mind

Marriage! Yesterday  *September 6th* my husband and I had our twelve year wedding anniversary. We got married when we were twenty one and twenty two. We had met when we were in grade one. We were NOT high school sweet hearts at all. He dated a couple of my friends through high school and we were such polar opposites! He drove a low rider Mazda and I rocked a mini van. He was dyslexic and grades behind and worked full time through grade twelve (figure that one out!!), and I got straight A's and seemed to relish five hours of homework. He and I did not seem to have much in common at all! So after high school the fact that we got married was more than a surprise for our friends. However it happened, and we did get married ~ outside, on the family farm, in front of three hundred or so people. We made some vows to each other in front of all those witnesses. My engagement ring had been found after being lost for three weeks just before I had walked down the aisle. I was full of hope and vulnerability and trust. At that time neither of us understood the challenge the vow keeping would be. We didn't know how the years would go. We could not have anticipated the hurt and pain, the brokenness, that our marriage would have to go through. We just were giddy and young and 'in love'. In this last twelve years we have endured through miscarriage and cancer, loss and grief, sorrow and heart break, and drama drama drama. We have contemplated leaving each other on more than one occasion. However each time the end seemed near we would rally. We would not be completely crushed. In this enduring we have had the pleasure of  acquiring so many skills we would not have had to acquire if we did not marry each other. My husband is the silent stuff it down type. I tend to be verbal and say what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment. I have had to learn to let go of bitterness and listen to what is actually being said, not just what I perceived. He has learned to talk more about what is going on in his heart. We have gone to years of counseling. We have had four children together. We have felt close and we have felt distant. However we have never quite given up on each other. My whole concept of love has been shattered and rebuilt. I have learned to have boundaries and self respect. We have both had to change completely some parts of ourselves. I am so grateful for all the ones along the way that have helped us through each crisis and rough patch. Thank you to those who have been encouragers and nurturers and who have helped us grow up. Marriage is about making vows that you keep, about battling for each other when the war is being fought. It is about working on vulnerability and boundaries, about loving wholeheartedly and unselfishly, about  being totally committed. It is so ridiculously hard. Yet in the end it is always so intensely beautiful. It is the ultimate test of each person. So here we are, twelve years broken and twelve years rebuilt. Thank you my love for the red roses at 5am after a long night with the baby ~ yet again. Thank you for understanding that I had not even THOUGHT of a gift for you much less a card. My tiredness rules everything right now. Thanks for sticking around all these years and for being willing to lay down pride, work through pain, and fight alongside me.I love you still, I love you forever. Onwards and upwards we go because we still have each other :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjX3NqgtF5w

Water

Cisterns
Glistening, limpid, deep pools
Life source in desert's heat
Parched mouths
Cracked lips
Revived again
Dust caked feet
Cooled and cleansed
Cisterns of water
They call to me

Waterfall
Cascading, free falling, liquid light
A journey beginning
Baptism refreshing
Shock of coolness and strength
Raw power
Braving a leap
Or standing beneath
Fill me overflowing

River
Relentlessly pursuing, rushing, deep banks
Nature's highway to Ocean deep
Drawing one's eye
The pulling away
Mysterious depths
A feeling of peace
Soul settling in
As I watch you run

Beauty

 Growing up

It wasn't all roses for me

It's not all roses for anyone

But we so want it to be

Growing up 

Up and up

Eyes looking into mine

So deep,

And beauty

You were my dream come true

My hearts ease

You came like a refining fire

Stripping my pain bare

Exposed and naked

Your eyes sparkled

And I wanted to change

So I could sparkle back

Here you are

Walking that uncertain road

Where roses are abundant 

But so are the thorns

To an older you

Wondering who you are

And why your path

Has had so many pain filled mountains

I just don't know.

But don't stop dancing

Dont stop laughing free.

Dont stop crying

Letting the pain spill

Loud ~

Keep on telling me

How I am wrong

And how I am so right.

Your fingers 

So gifted

A creating created treasure

I was made for you

You for me

In my heart

Calling out to yours

Could I be your mother?

Could I ease the rejection pain?

Thank you for coming,

For the fire

For being so opposite along side me

For growing up

And up and up

Beauty

You are my dream come true 

Da da da da da....I'm lovin it!

I have just looked over most of my blog posts. I have written sixty four so far since July. I have realized too many of them focus on the sleep issues I struggle with. I am giving glory to something not at all glorious by giving it too much attention! I am sorry about that. I DO want to be vulnerable and transparent but at the same time I don't want to whine. So moving on! Today was the first day back at school here in our house. I think it went pretty well. I was once again reminded of how much you can cover in two hours when you homeschool. My sister has moved in with us and she has been such a blessing and support to me this last little while of being here. My husband and I had our twelve year wedding anniversary on Sunday and we went into the 'city' and soaked in a decent amount of beauty :) I found out my eight year old finally knows his birth date. Its a big deal! I have tried to hammer that into his noggin for years and today he casually mentions it...then states he has known it 'FOREVER'...ya right honey, good try though! To celebrate the end of this summer we got a little bunny named Blossom. She is so cute! My husband is making a custom mantle out of concrete for some clients. He has not done this before. I love how fearless he is to design and try new things. I got a new camera! She is a beauty and I am excited to be her proud owner. I hope I do her justice. I have made dinners for about a week straight with support from my sister! Although one night my sister and oldest daughter made one so I cant take full credit, however it has felt wonderful to have nutritious food in the house again. Last night my little one year old, who JUST turned one, got furious that his dad went outside without him and went downstairs, got a pair of his sisters pink sandals, brought them up to me and demanded (without being able to say a word other than mama and dada) for me to put them on!!!! He is a very eloquent non verbal yeller. I have one dozen red roses on my table and two sunflowers on my book shelf. We have a large fruit fly problem. Well the fruit flies are small but numerous. I feel indifferent to them because we had a carpenter ant back in the spring that had me frantic.Fruit flies seem minor. My sister does not share my indifference. She is waging war. Since my oldest has gone back to school this morning I have realized how much she has grown this summer. She needs all new everything! My neighbor and dear friend just went on an epic adventure on the West Coast Trail and returned alive. I have three friends due to have babies in the next couple months and I am really excited about this!!! So you get the pictures that there is more to my life than no sleep. It's all pretty simple stuff. I am a mom through and through and da da da da da I'm lovin it!!!!

Dawn

This morning when dawn broke I cried. I just crumbled. The babe slept in my arms. My rib was out from the awkward position of hours of holding. He is teething and its taking a long time. He is sick also and so he just needed me. He needed to be nursed for hours and to be held and he needed me. I wished he needed someone else to be honest. My arms were so tired, my body felt numb, my eyes burned like fire. The night is often long and it is always dark. The hours seem endless and it seems like such a lonely time. It seems like its been years of lonely nights for me. I felt such relief when the light came this morning. I think its important to remember this when our hearts are filled with dark, and it feels like the light of the morning will never come. When we are worn and our eyes burn from crying, and it has felt like years of weary ~ the light always comes. Day always comes. It has never failed me yet. Today I fell asleep sitting up while writing in my journal. I felt hazy and my writing didn't make sense and I could not spell. I couldn't digest my food properly and I just had all the signs I recognize now as deep exhaustion. However, I was able to nap today and regroup a bit before another night began. Right now the baby is actually asleep and so I will once again lie down on the couch. One child has already made his bathroom stumble through the house. The other child fell asleep very late. I think I just might be able to sleep for a bit. I just want to keep this in mind.

 Morning, the newness of dawn, it always comes. It shines through and the night just melts away. You know it was just there, you know how lonely and tired and hopeless you felt, but there is something about the dawn. ~ Hope in our hearts that we must not let go. 'Light breaks forth like the dawn and our healing quickly appears.'Isaiah 58:8

Missing the Garden

There is something about light. It illuminates and glows. It brings forth all sorts of shining. When it fills you, this light, this sunshine, when you feel it warm you to the depths of you; there is something deep inside that releases a little. You feel your heart beat slow. Our family had a little pocket of time in our lives where we had a membership to some beautiful gardens. We went there every week. It nurtured us deep down. My children have never forgotten that period of time in our lives. The garden is closed now but today I deeply miss it. Yesterday I went to Stanley Park briefly and was surrounded again by flowers. I miss walking through that sunlight surrounded by nature's beautiful expressions of praise.

Eyes to See

Here I sit. I am supposed to be planning for homeschooling right now. A storm is blowing in again. The rain is pouring. I sit on a chair given to me by my friend's mother who has now passed on. I am at a table given to me by my mother who was given it by her parents. It is over one hundred years old. All around me I see my treasures. My plate wall, my book shelf from my great grandfather, the shelves in the kitchen made by my husband. I see my photo albums and the toys strewn all over the floor. The baby rolls around. He is tired but happy. He is humming a little to himself. His little spirit untouched by trauma and pain. And I think ~ what if there were bombs and gunfire in the distance. What if I had just a day to gather up some things in a back pack and gather up the children and we had to flee because if we didn't we would all be brutally killed. We have a van but we could only maybe fill up the tank once. Store shelves would empty. People with wild eyes trying to figure out what to do. It is pouring rain and has been for a couple days. The highways would be clogged. We could drive for a little while the gas would be gone and then we'd have to walk and walk and where would we go? We could only bring so much food. I try to imagine how this would be. The terror and horror.  All over the world this is happening. I think about the refugees who are just like you and I. When I used to think about the Middle East I had these hazy desert images in my head with woman covered form head to toe. For some reason it has seemed foreign, scary and far away. More and more I am waking up. These families who are running, running, running for their lives, losing all they have ever owned and worked so hard for; they could be you and I. It could be YOU! They are losing everything. Why is the world not opening their arms to them? Why is the world not taking them in? Why do we think that we have the option to say no! Why can we not see how much room we really have. So many people could open up just one room in their home. Think about how thankful you would be for this sanctuary if you were in this state. If you had managed to survive the journey with your family and someone opened up a room in their home for you. Can you imagine how your heart would feel in that moment? How have we been so privileged to be born here? But we have been. So what do we do with that? How can we fully appreciate all of this here?
I don't have answers or help or anything. I just wish there was a way I could take a family into my home and help them start anew. When I try to imagine living in a refugee camp, trying to cross to freedom by boat somewhere, trying to just survive one more day....the agony of it all fills me and I feel sick. I look at my baby and my children and my husband and my home and I feel ill that I have all this and so many millions have lost all. I don't understand how this all works. I don't understand why I have what I do and why so many are suffering. I am thankful, yes, but ignorant. I wish the world was different. I wish we had the capacity to look back into history and to remember the mistakes already made. We have gone through this already so many times! Yet we do not learn. Our selfish hearts look inward. Our selfish minds lie. We need eyes to see and ears to hear the cry of the suffering. It swirls around us everywhere.

http://mcccanada.ca/learn/what/relief/syria

http://worldreliefdupage.org/refugee-services

 http://www.worldvision.ca/give-a-gift/Pages/bordercrossing.aspx?mc=4310918

It's a Grey and Misty First of September Day

My sixtieth post on September 1st, 2015. It is misty and cloudy and the mountains are that dusty cobalt blue shrouded with mystery. These are the days where I know the Sasquatch exists out there somewhere :) (What???Where did that come from.... ??? Its a long story) The grass is already looking more velvety on our lawn. The land here has been thankful for the sustenance of rainfall. Many people however have been affected by the wind that has been ripping around for a couple days here and there. We have not had any issues which has been a massive blessing, but thousands have been without power. We are so incredibly reliant on electricity. Without it we are lost.
With this new month comes some insecurities and fears. I am not greeting this month quite like I greeted the last one. I want to feel happy and excited about this new season, but our summer has been so lovely. I feel like most days were crazy but I mostly managed. When I 'manage' I feel amazing! I accomplished some things I had hoped to also with my children and it feels so good to have done so. My eight year old gained so much confidence ~ it was a miracle.
 This was my first summer also where I knew the official diagnosis of my two eldest children. I went to a geneticist this last week and he asked me what I had gained the most from all the testing we have undergone in the last year and a half. I told him that I felt more confident now than I ever have. That I can now confidently tell people to back off and let me parent. I feel like I have been such an overwhelmed mess as a parent. I was so blown and tossed by other people's opinions and had no backbone. I felt so immature and ridiculous!  Now that I understand what my children are going through and a bit about how their brains work I USUALLY feel more able to manage it all. However, there is the small, teeny tiny issue of school starting. Change is not usually gleefully embraced around here. We have just been getting into the summer groove of relaxing and getting along and now its over. I will have two children homeschooling and that will be that but I will have one child in school also. It is going to be really wonderful I know it. There are just so many unknowns involved in change. So many things that cannot be controlled. To some that is the most exciting challenge that they strive to bring about in their lives. In others, like me, it can be terrifying. I am not terrified this time around. I am just aware and prepared. It will be our first full school year with all the diagnosis in place. It will be the first full year of me knowing what I know about myself and my children. It will be the first full year I have confidence under my belt. Control has to be set free. We'll see where that takes us.
So September, here you are. I think we are as ready for you as we can be :) So welcome.