Failures and F's

Failure. Something that haunts me sort of  a lot. I have not totally put my finger on it ~ the why. Why do I fear this? I mean obviously it is not a GOOD thing to fail. Well maybe that isn't always true. Sometimes failing is necessary. I think maybe I come from a long line of people who FELT like failures. I think that in my blood there is this fight to not fail, but a deep seeded fear that no matter what ~ I am ALREADY a failure because I have been right off the bat. I think back on growing up and my parents and my grandparents and my great grandpa that I remember and I remember a feeling of them wanting to pass something down, to not be forgotten, to feel that they impacted me, made a difference, that they were a deep important part of who I became. I think that in a lot of other ways in their lives they might have felt like they didn't measure up to someone. That is the whole thing about failure right? Who exactly tells you that you failed? Who holds that measuring stick? I think it is different for everyone. I remember in school I obsessed about getting perfect grades but you know what, even perfect left me feeling hollow. I just wanted to measure up and feel like I was worth something and somehow I put a lot of stock in those grades. Those thoughts and that standard came from a couple different places in my life. However my point is that it didn't make a difference. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how well I did sometimes I had a moment of feeling like I was not failing or letting someone down or that I had finally measured up and then I'd go right back to the fear again. I am so sick of that ya know. Tonight I had a talk with one of my littles. They were crying and feeling like they were failing something and they so weren't. I mean they hadn't even STARTED the thing they were feeling like they were failing. It's funny because a couple days ago I got a new camera and the first thought that went through my head when I was walking out the door of the store was, 'I better not fail at this.' Right away I started feeling failure. That I wouldn't do this camera justice. I'm sorry, THE CAMERA? You know you've got a problem when you catch yourself worrying that your going to let a camera down!!!! My friend just returned from an epic hike. At one point in the hike she got stuck in mud and was totally mired down. It made me think of failure. That is how it feels. It feels like you are totally mired down in mud and the more you want to get out sometimes the deeper you can sink. Failure is sometimes an illusion and can be an excuse. Failure is a perception in many instances. Sometimes yes, you have totally failed :) Sometimes you can't get around that F. However in many, and I mean MANY, situations ~ failure needs a good slap. Failure needs to get gone. Failure needs to take a hike ~ because....you're not going to accept that as your reality. You are going to keep you head up, you are going to take a deep breath and tell yourself that no matter how much you have 'failed' you have. right. now. Sometimes that means parenting, or your job, or other relationships, or money, your weight issues, how you cope with pain....it can mean anything!
I am saying,  You have right now!!!! You have from this moment on.
I am so sick of this failure fear that bogs me down. I am so sick of the message that swirls around, that always has, that sick shiver that I am not living up, that I have to try harder, that I am letting someone down, that no matter how hard I try I wont be enough. You know what? All that may be true to some degree because no one is perfect and no one can be the be all end all, but I have to just say that I am no failure. I have accomplished a lot of wonderous and great things in this world. I bet you have too. I bet if you look back on all your long or short years you will see a lot of wonderous things you have accomplished. I think it's important to start writing that down as your story and letting that be the message that floats around in your mind. I think you need to start singing THAT song in your heart and letting THAT light shine through your eyes. Failure is a vice. It is a WASTE of TIME!
It is probably obvious that I am preaching to myself. I so am. Cause I am done. Done with feeling like a failure in my parenting, my marriage, my friendships and in my relationship with God. I am so not a failure and that is THAT! AND ~ neither are YOU! So failure ~ put that in your pipe and ...well never mind. Just next time you feel that old familiar  message~ remember that it's a lie. You are not a failure and neither am I. It's just one of those moment where I need a little pep talk and maybe someone else out there did too!