Tuesday, 31 May 2016
A Healing Place
Last night my husband and I drove up a mountain and found a new place to call our own. In that I mean a new place to walk where we feel at peace and like our true selves. We started our walk heart sick and weary but when we were done we were uplifted and encouraged. We wish we could move there tomorrow. We can't though so we are going to go there and enjoy this little pocket of the world all we can.
Today I took my children and my helper up there to walk and I took my camera. The children had been fighting and I knew we needed to get out of the house. The peace, the birds, the wide sky, the mountains...it was just as it was last night ~ all we needed.
The children took off their shoes and shirts and ran and ran. They felt so free. We left their stuff on the side of the road knowing it would be fine until we returned.
Monday, 30 May 2016
Friendship in the Garden
A community garden. I wrote a post last year about this garden. It is just down the road from my friend Rachelle's house. She lives over and hour away from our house and now that we both have children we dont see each other all that often. However when we do see each other now our children want to go to the garden and play! Our children have known each other since they began and they love each other dearly. It is special to spend time together and in the garden. Friendship is a precious gift that we are imparting to the next generation.
He was really busy this time. It was hard to keep track of him!
These guys talked for three hours straight and laughed and laughed. It was pretty great.
The baby was happy in her little stroller. She is the newest addition to our clan.
She was scared to take her brother down the slide but she did it anyway just for him.
It was a windy sunny day but they brought umbrellas and that added to the fun.
The children decided to make mud 'truffles' and so they ran back and forth needing water for the mud. Being a child is really the best.
Sunday, 29 May 2016
For A Friend
Through the trees
On the path
She skips
Bright blue eyes
Berry stained lips
Her young face expressive
And ready for fun
Filled with life
As its' kissed by the sun
Sometimes she hums
As she skips along
Some verses her mother
Converted to song
She's light and free
On her woodland path
Where chubby squirrels chuckle
And all the birds laugh
What will become of this beautiful child
Who is such a mixture
Of constrained and wild
Life is filled with such dark spaces
Cruelty and pain
And blank empty faces
But I think as she grows up
And life toils on
You'll find her still humming
And skipping along
Light and free
On her woodland path
With bright blue eyes
And a carefree laugh.
By Tansy Elgersma
By Tansy Elgersma
Friday, 27 May 2016
Do YOU Still Like Friday?
Friday ~ In high school the word Friday was sort of like magic. It held this aura of fun ~ the weekend~ which equaled more sleep, and two glorious days of not having to sit in a desk for what seemed like endless hours. I maybe had a chore or two but really it was the golden age of not much but homework and play. After graduation, and I got a job, Fridays still held that beautiful hue. That sheen and sparkle of endless possibilities and I still liked it a lot. When I got married my husband and I both had Saturdays off for that first year and our Saturday mornings were always relaxing and sweet. My husband still waxes eloquent about those Saturday mornings so long ago. So long ago..So long in fact that I can't really remember them. But don't worry I actually have a picture of myself in something cute in bed, because I'm weird like that. I apparently document almost everything and I actually documented one Saturday morning. So I know we did have those mornings.
Fast forward till now. It is Friday. I immediately light up for about half a second and I do this every single Friday! Every Friday morning I feel that old glow! I am so serious. But then I crash down hard. Reality is a hag sometimes right? I realize Friday means I actually clean MORE because EVERYONE (which means three adults and four children) is home all weekend. If all your children are home now you might not get this as much as I do now. If your children go to school ~ the weekend might mean you are ALL home. I usually need to grocery shop by Friday. If I don't prepare for us all being home the house will basically not be livable and by Monday I will be a broken mess because of the massive piles of everything that has accrued on every possible surface. So Friday is extra work day and by Saturday I am so tired after the long week and the extra work Friday I am an emotional mess. So Saturday isn't quite the glorious me day it used to be. Oh Friday...oh friday....
Friday nights are no different then say Monday or Saturday. At first it was stay up late and watch a movie because it wasn't a school night, or even better have a sleep over with a friend!! After all it was FRIDAY. Friday was date night when I got a bit older. Then when I was married I think we used to stay up later because we could do that whole, sleeping in, thing on Saturday. Sometimes I feel like I should stay up later just to make it feel special or to remind myself of 'old times'. I say to myself....it's FRIDAY! Like I should be able to do something crazy. Which makes no sense because its not like I get to CHOOSE to stay up late any other night and if I DO stay up late its like me choosing to age myself even more. Yes lets give those bags and wrinkles taking up permanent residence on my face even more fuel ~ because its Friday.
To be honest Friday DOES signify that there could be that bonus that maybe my husband might be around to 'help out' with the children and 'lift the load' a bit for the next two days. Maybe I could get a nap in or whatever, and sometimes that happens. I guess that is why I still light up a bit. My body has not completely given up. However lots of Saturdays the word 'work' is still is in the vocabulary for him which means he is gone or out in the shop and it feels like any other day.
You get my point. I know the day will come where every day is Friday. I sort of imagine that once all the children have grown up and moved away and my husband retires (like that day will ever come because he loves to work) then we will have those mornings again. We will have Friday nights and blah blah blah. Who am I kidding. I know perfectly well that what I have right now is amazing. Sleeping in is overrated and the children have somehow beat that out of me anyway. How I used to be able to 'sleep in' until 11am is beyond me. I just can't do it. Getting up at 8:30 or 9am seems like a miracle to me now and I can't sleep past that anyway. I am just lying there wide awake after eight. When we are at the retirement stage unless I am sick I can't imagine wasting that much of a precious day.
So even though Fridays used to mean something A LOT different....it meant the next day was time for me ~ to be lazy, to be relaxed, to have fun, to be all about me, me, me....Now it means that everyone is home. Yes it means my work load is more but it means that we all get to be together. We get to fight together, mess up the house together, we get to wish we could have a longer time to do this all together. If my husband goes to work I feel the sting of it even more because it is the weekend. I miss him more. The weekend means a lot of wonderful things. A different kind of wonderful than it ever did. So Friday, as much as you used to mean glittery golden things, I guess now you mean so much more.
It's Friday and I am up to my neck in laundry :) Getting ready for a big ol weekend where we might all get to be together for a full day, and maybe even two! Do you see how I just talked myself into liking Fridays again? It's not just about me anymore or him and I. It's about all of us and that is one of the countless gifts we get as parents. The realization that this life is not all about the weekends and ourselves. It is about getting to all be together and trying to make that as happy and stress free as possible. I couldn't have dreamed or comprehended that back in the day. I didn't appreciate the sleeping in and the date nights as much as I should have. However I think maybe I realize I am appreciating these weekends as much as I can. I get it just a bit more. Fridays used to be the best day but it is still a good day and the weekends are even better!!!
Fast forward till now. It is Friday. I immediately light up for about half a second and I do this every single Friday! Every Friday morning I feel that old glow! I am so serious. But then I crash down hard. Reality is a hag sometimes right? I realize Friday means I actually clean MORE because EVERYONE (which means three adults and four children) is home all weekend. If all your children are home now you might not get this as much as I do now. If your children go to school ~ the weekend might mean you are ALL home. I usually need to grocery shop by Friday. If I don't prepare for us all being home the house will basically not be livable and by Monday I will be a broken mess because of the massive piles of everything that has accrued on every possible surface. So Friday is extra work day and by Saturday I am so tired after the long week and the extra work Friday I am an emotional mess. So Saturday isn't quite the glorious me day it used to be. Oh Friday...oh friday....
Friday nights are no different then say Monday or Saturday. At first it was stay up late and watch a movie because it wasn't a school night, or even better have a sleep over with a friend!! After all it was FRIDAY. Friday was date night when I got a bit older. Then when I was married I think we used to stay up later because we could do that whole, sleeping in, thing on Saturday. Sometimes I feel like I should stay up later just to make it feel special or to remind myself of 'old times'. I say to myself....it's FRIDAY! Like I should be able to do something crazy. Which makes no sense because its not like I get to CHOOSE to stay up late any other night and if I DO stay up late its like me choosing to age myself even more. Yes lets give those bags and wrinkles taking up permanent residence on my face even more fuel ~ because its Friday.
To be honest Friday DOES signify that there could be that bonus that maybe my husband might be around to 'help out' with the children and 'lift the load' a bit for the next two days. Maybe I could get a nap in or whatever, and sometimes that happens. I guess that is why I still light up a bit. My body has not completely given up. However lots of Saturdays the word 'work' is still is in the vocabulary for him which means he is gone or out in the shop and it feels like any other day.
You get my point. I know the day will come where every day is Friday. I sort of imagine that once all the children have grown up and moved away and my husband retires (like that day will ever come because he loves to work) then we will have those mornings again. We will have Friday nights and blah blah blah. Who am I kidding. I know perfectly well that what I have right now is amazing. Sleeping in is overrated and the children have somehow beat that out of me anyway. How I used to be able to 'sleep in' until 11am is beyond me. I just can't do it. Getting up at 8:30 or 9am seems like a miracle to me now and I can't sleep past that anyway. I am just lying there wide awake after eight. When we are at the retirement stage unless I am sick I can't imagine wasting that much of a precious day.
So even though Fridays used to mean something A LOT different....it meant the next day was time for me ~ to be lazy, to be relaxed, to have fun, to be all about me, me, me....Now it means that everyone is home. Yes it means my work load is more but it means that we all get to be together. We get to fight together, mess up the house together, we get to wish we could have a longer time to do this all together. If my husband goes to work I feel the sting of it even more because it is the weekend. I miss him more. The weekend means a lot of wonderful things. A different kind of wonderful than it ever did. So Friday, as much as you used to mean glittery golden things, I guess now you mean so much more.
It's Friday and I am up to my neck in laundry :) Getting ready for a big ol weekend where we might all get to be together for a full day, and maybe even two! Do you see how I just talked myself into liking Fridays again? It's not just about me anymore or him and I. It's about all of us and that is one of the countless gifts we get as parents. The realization that this life is not all about the weekends and ourselves. It is about getting to all be together and trying to make that as happy and stress free as possible. I couldn't have dreamed or comprehended that back in the day. I didn't appreciate the sleeping in and the date nights as much as I should have. However I think maybe I realize I am appreciating these weekends as much as I can. I get it just a bit more. Fridays used to be the best day but it is still a good day and the weekends are even better!!!
My Ducks That Bullied Chickens (A Farm Story)
I have not had the best experiences with ducks. The first duckling I had was given to me for my birthday by my best friend at the time, Ricky. He had found it at an auction and he brought it home for me. It was tiny and so sweet and my chicken, Star, had just hatched some chicks and was happy to adopt it. She was seriously the best chicken for adopting orphans. The duckling was a bit too big to fit under her because of all her other babies so it perched on top of her. She was a bantam and so pretty small. It was so precious to walk in the barn and see this little bantam with a duckling happily peeping away on top of her. I was so in love with this tiny duckling. However tragedy struck only too soon. We had a dog who was always very jealous of any other animal we loved and one day as I was carrying the duckling she jumped up and just nicked it in the chest with her tooth. The poor ducky went into shock and died pretty quickly. I was heart broken and my siblings and neighbors and I had a funeral for it in my flower garden by the creek.
For my next birthday my friend Amanda gave me two ducklings in memory of the other duckling I had lost. I named them Zoe and Bryn. They started out innocent and sweet. They would swim in our baby bath tub and walk around with their little tails wagging side to side and they were just the cutest things. However when they got older the story changed drastically. These two ducks became massive bullies. They were big white ducks that looked hefty and they liked to throw their weight around in our chicken yard. They had free rein of our property and the creek but often they would be around the chicken yard and they attacked the chickens. I don't know what it was with them but they had a vendetta. One morning I came outside there they were but they were attacking a chick. That was it. I was so angry I gave them away to our neighbor that very day and they continued on there but there were other ducks and they had to learn to toe the line.
However, there I was with this baby chicken and its leg was broken. It seemed to have not sustained any other trauma that I could ascertain and by then I was pretty schooled in barnyard fowl injuries. I was a child who dreamed of being a veterinarian and so any excuse I had to doctor an animal was taken very seriously. I got a crate and carried it up to my bedroom. In the crate I put hay and sawdust and a little bowl of water and food. I knew the chick would be warm and safe up there. Then I had to think of a way to splint that tiny leg. I got a pencil and split it in half (I think my dad helped me come up with this idea) and took out the lead. After that I wrapped the tiny leg in a bit of cotton batten and then splinted it with the pencil halves and wrapped tape around it. The little chicken lived up in my room for a couple weeks. The leg ended up healing perfectly and when I let it go back in the chicken yard it grew into a fine rooster none the worse for its near death experience with Zoe and Bryn. I never got any other ducks. When we lived on our farm a couple years ago I rescued what I thought was a duckling from an eagle. It was so tiny and I think the eagle caused brain damage because it was so traumatized it eventually just fell over from exhaustion and died. I think if I move to a farm I wont be getting ducks ~ chickens though...that is a whole different story! Look for chicken stories in my next posts.
For my next birthday my friend Amanda gave me two ducklings in memory of the other duckling I had lost. I named them Zoe and Bryn. They started out innocent and sweet. They would swim in our baby bath tub and walk around with their little tails wagging side to side and they were just the cutest things. However when they got older the story changed drastically. These two ducks became massive bullies. They were big white ducks that looked hefty and they liked to throw their weight around in our chicken yard. They had free rein of our property and the creek but often they would be around the chicken yard and they attacked the chickens. I don't know what it was with them but they had a vendetta. One morning I came outside there they were but they were attacking a chick. That was it. I was so angry I gave them away to our neighbor that very day and they continued on there but there were other ducks and they had to learn to toe the line.
However, there I was with this baby chicken and its leg was broken. It seemed to have not sustained any other trauma that I could ascertain and by then I was pretty schooled in barnyard fowl injuries. I was a child who dreamed of being a veterinarian and so any excuse I had to doctor an animal was taken very seriously. I got a crate and carried it up to my bedroom. In the crate I put hay and sawdust and a little bowl of water and food. I knew the chick would be warm and safe up there. Then I had to think of a way to splint that tiny leg. I got a pencil and split it in half (I think my dad helped me come up with this idea) and took out the lead. After that I wrapped the tiny leg in a bit of cotton batten and then splinted it with the pencil halves and wrapped tape around it. The little chicken lived up in my room for a couple weeks. The leg ended up healing perfectly and when I let it go back in the chicken yard it grew into a fine rooster none the worse for its near death experience with Zoe and Bryn. I never got any other ducks. When we lived on our farm a couple years ago I rescued what I thought was a duckling from an eagle. It was so tiny and I think the eagle caused brain damage because it was so traumatized it eventually just fell over from exhaustion and died. I think if I move to a farm I wont be getting ducks ~ chickens though...that is a whole different story! Look for chicken stories in my next posts.
Thursday, 26 May 2016
Another Chicken Story (A Farm Story)
I moved off the farm when I was thirteen but my time on the farm had deeply impacted my life. I felt like an island girl and more deeply a farm girl to my core. We moved hours away back to town and I had to leave all my animals behind. I missed them deeply.
One of the summers after I had moved away my grandfather called me up and told me he needed my help. My grandpa was involved with a Museum that had live animals throughout the summer and that summer one of the mother chickens had gotten into some rat poison and died. By the time he called me there were two chicks left. I immediately went to the rescue. By the end of the day I had two tiny chickens in a cardboard box in my small bedroom in my house in town and I was their mother. I named them Spock and Carlos. My grandpa got a heat lamp for me from his basement and my mom got the box. We got some hay and sawdust from the museum and my heart was happy again. I mothered those babies with all I had, and even if they felt a little bewildered they adopted me as their mother without much protest. I knew all the sounds to teach them. We had small back yard and my mom had planted a garden so I spent many hours out there teaching them how to hide if a big bird was coming and how to scratch for bugs and take dust baths.
I am totally serious ~ I really did this ~ and I was so happy. Those birds came on field trips to my grandparent's who lived half and hour away and spent time in their garden as well. When Spock and Carlos were old enough I had to say a reluctant goodbye, but they were jumping out of their box and too energetic for my bedroom in town. They went back to the museum ~ happy healthy roosters ~ and enjoyed their lives there. It was a bright spot for me in a time where I spent hours doing homework and missing the freedom I had enjoyed on our farm. I seriously miss having chickens so much. It has been years and years now but I still miss them and one day I WILL have some again. I wont give up that dream :)
One of the summers after I had moved away my grandfather called me up and told me he needed my help. My grandpa was involved with a Museum that had live animals throughout the summer and that summer one of the mother chickens had gotten into some rat poison and died. By the time he called me there were two chicks left. I immediately went to the rescue. By the end of the day I had two tiny chickens in a cardboard box in my small bedroom in my house in town and I was their mother. I named them Spock and Carlos. My grandpa got a heat lamp for me from his basement and my mom got the box. We got some hay and sawdust from the museum and my heart was happy again. I mothered those babies with all I had, and even if they felt a little bewildered they adopted me as their mother without much protest. I knew all the sounds to teach them. We had small back yard and my mom had planted a garden so I spent many hours out there teaching them how to hide if a big bird was coming and how to scratch for bugs and take dust baths.
I am totally serious ~ I really did this ~ and I was so happy. Those birds came on field trips to my grandparent's who lived half and hour away and spent time in their garden as well. When Spock and Carlos were old enough I had to say a reluctant goodbye, but they were jumping out of their box and too energetic for my bedroom in town. They went back to the museum ~ happy healthy roosters ~ and enjoyed their lives there. It was a bright spot for me in a time where I spent hours doing homework and missing the freedom I had enjoyed on our farm. I seriously miss having chickens so much. It has been years and years now but I still miss them and one day I WILL have some again. I wont give up that dream :)
Tuesday, 24 May 2016
A Chicken Called Speckles And Others As Well (A Farm Story)
When I moved onto a farm at the tender age of seven I had no idea that chickens would become one of my favorite animals. When we moved there we came from town and the only animal experience I had was a big white rabbit I owned named Buttercup. She was so big I literally could not hold her. My father had wanted to get a tiny little Dutch rabbit, but in his lack of rabbit expertise a farmer had paired him with a sweet little white bunny that looked perfect at the time but grew into a massive grumpy thing that I kept alive but did not hold much love in my heart for. Other than that I didn't have any friends with animals and had probably maybe ridden a pony at the fall fair. That was it!
Shortly after we moved to our farm it was my eighth birthday and my mom invited some of the neighbor children who were my new friends. We had twin girls that lived down the road and they had scores of animals. A grumpy pony, many rabbits, a dog, cats, and chickens galore. They had these chickens called Bantams and one of them had just recently had chicks. Bantams are small chickens that lay small eggs but they are smart and cocky and have lots of attitude. The one I loved was a dusky yellow with tiny black specks all over her. At my party they brought her for me and hid her in some hay for me to find, and from that moment on she was all mine and my love of chickens was birthed. She learned to ride on my shoulder and would come when I called her. On many rainy days she spent time in our house. She loved me and I loved her. I named her Speckles.
From her came a whole slew of other bantams as she was a very good mother who took good care of her babies. Some that I remember were Oriele, Star, Kanga, Roo and there were many more. They each had their own personalities and weird things they did. Kanga had this obsession with dog food and we didn't buy tiny kibbles. We bought the cheap dog food and each piece was a pretty good size but she'd gulp it down. At first we kept it on the back step but we had to move it into our back porch. That did not stop her! Consequently she got to be quite a massive chicken. She also really wanted to live in the house. She got in on more than one occasion. Since she preferred houses to barns for habitation when she decided to have the only offspring she ever produced she nested up in the attic or our garage. She was not the smartest. She got there by climbing a whole series of dusty steps. I kept pretty watchful eyes on all my treasured birds (although I think I had actually given Kanga to my sister) so I tracked her down when I realized she had disappeared. She nested faithfully and produced one baby. Since chickens are not the best flyers (especially rotund ones that eat dog food) and chicks can't fly at all ~ I had to get her and her baby, which we called Roo, down to safety and convince her that the barn was actually a good place for chickens to be. She never really was convinced but somehow Roo survived all her gallivanting and they were a pair for life.
Another random chicken story that I remember is this. A chicken decided to nest in the hay loft. Chickens are often not very smart and this one was no exception. When her babies were hatched some of them jumped/fell out of the hayloft. I came into the barn to find little dead chicks lying all around and was devastated. Instead of giving up on them I immediately went into action. I was able to (by giving mouth to mouth) get some of them going again and their mother took over, but there was one that's body was cold! I knew that chicks are pretty hard to kill even after hurtling many feet from a hay loft so I took it inside my house. I got a hot water bottle and a towel. After giving it mouth to mouth and massaging its tiny chest (and praying fervently I might add) I layed it on the towel that had the hot water bottle under it and put it in a box in the dark. It wasn't long before the miracle happened and I heard a tiny peep. My seemingly stone cold dead baby chick was on its feet none the worse for wear and headed back out to mommy! I learned quickly that baby animals needed warmth and darkness to recover from any trauma but often if they had a wound with even a speck of blood they would not last.
My parents were so kind and would let me keep them in my room for as long as I needed. I had all sorts of little animals I tried to save but my chickens were usually my triumph.
Where I live now even though we have a big back yard I can't have chickens and I cannot wait for the day I can go to the auction and pick out another bantam. No one will replace Speckles however I know that out there somewhere is a smart sassy banty just waiting for me to come and find her. I will love her and she will love me :) I hope I wont have to wait too much longer.
Shortly after we moved to our farm it was my eighth birthday and my mom invited some of the neighbor children who were my new friends. We had twin girls that lived down the road and they had scores of animals. A grumpy pony, many rabbits, a dog, cats, and chickens galore. They had these chickens called Bantams and one of them had just recently had chicks. Bantams are small chickens that lay small eggs but they are smart and cocky and have lots of attitude. The one I loved was a dusky yellow with tiny black specks all over her. At my party they brought her for me and hid her in some hay for me to find, and from that moment on she was all mine and my love of chickens was birthed. She learned to ride on my shoulder and would come when I called her. On many rainy days she spent time in our house. She loved me and I loved her. I named her Speckles.
From her came a whole slew of other bantams as she was a very good mother who took good care of her babies. Some that I remember were Oriele, Star, Kanga, Roo and there were many more. They each had their own personalities and weird things they did. Kanga had this obsession with dog food and we didn't buy tiny kibbles. We bought the cheap dog food and each piece was a pretty good size but she'd gulp it down. At first we kept it on the back step but we had to move it into our back porch. That did not stop her! Consequently she got to be quite a massive chicken. She also really wanted to live in the house. She got in on more than one occasion. Since she preferred houses to barns for habitation when she decided to have the only offspring she ever produced she nested up in the attic or our garage. She was not the smartest. She got there by climbing a whole series of dusty steps. I kept pretty watchful eyes on all my treasured birds (although I think I had actually given Kanga to my sister) so I tracked her down when I realized she had disappeared. She nested faithfully and produced one baby. Since chickens are not the best flyers (especially rotund ones that eat dog food) and chicks can't fly at all ~ I had to get her and her baby, which we called Roo, down to safety and convince her that the barn was actually a good place for chickens to be. She never really was convinced but somehow Roo survived all her gallivanting and they were a pair for life.
Another random chicken story that I remember is this. A chicken decided to nest in the hay loft. Chickens are often not very smart and this one was no exception. When her babies were hatched some of them jumped/fell out of the hayloft. I came into the barn to find little dead chicks lying all around and was devastated. Instead of giving up on them I immediately went into action. I was able to (by giving mouth to mouth) get some of them going again and their mother took over, but there was one that's body was cold! I knew that chicks are pretty hard to kill even after hurtling many feet from a hay loft so I took it inside my house. I got a hot water bottle and a towel. After giving it mouth to mouth and massaging its tiny chest (and praying fervently I might add) I layed it on the towel that had the hot water bottle under it and put it in a box in the dark. It wasn't long before the miracle happened and I heard a tiny peep. My seemingly stone cold dead baby chick was on its feet none the worse for wear and headed back out to mommy! I learned quickly that baby animals needed warmth and darkness to recover from any trauma but often if they had a wound with even a speck of blood they would not last.
My parents were so kind and would let me keep them in my room for as long as I needed. I had all sorts of little animals I tried to save but my chickens were usually my triumph.
Where I live now even though we have a big back yard I can't have chickens and I cannot wait for the day I can go to the auction and pick out another bantam. No one will replace Speckles however I know that out there somewhere is a smart sassy banty just waiting for me to come and find her. I will love her and she will love me :) I hope I wont have to wait too much longer.
Monday, 23 May 2016
The Hard Knocks of Marriage
I started dating around the age of sixteen. My dad was NOT okay with this. It was my one rebellion in life and it was so stupid. The guy was older and in the end my heart was left broken and he had another girl pregnant. I took a break after that. All through my life there had been this guy first in my grade, then behind me a grade, then back in my grade and he was a year older than I was. The only reason I payed any mind to who he was was because he dated two of my good friends at different points in highschool. He was tall and super skinny, he was funny and he seemed to work a lot and he did not do well in school at all. I got straight and I mean very straight A's and I drove my parents mini van with no qualms. He drove a red low rider Mazda and he parked crookedly in the parking lot every day he actually showed up at school. After we graduated somehow life brought us together in little ways. I was never interested in him in a dating sense but we just kept spending time together. Slowly God had to really REALLY work on my heart and He did. The day he asked me out I said yes AND he was leaving in a week to go to Africa for five months. I decided pretty reluctantly to wait around for him and while he was there I played the very faithful girl friend. I wrote letters, sent packages, spent hundreds on phone bills and emailed every day. I was attending University and working at the time. We were twenty and twenty one. When he came back we felt closer for sure and after three months of being back he proposed. I said yes and three months later we were married.
We were complete opposites. I did not know his family well. He did not know mine well either and before we knew it we had to live with them. We had been around each other our whole lives but did we really know each other? No. Dating is great and all but marriage is the real deal. Dating is the fantasy. It really is. No matter how firmly your resolve to keep that dating passion alive it is emotion and it is not reality. Choices my dears! Love is a choice!! The grind of paying bills, having to work for your dreams, making specific mature choices to give to each other even when it hurts.... marriage is about being grown ups. It is about battling for purity and selflessness and not battling each other but the world around us.
We were twenty one and twenty two when we got married. So we have been growing up together for a while now. It has been a pretty rough go if I do say so myself. I am glad we are still together. I feel like so many girls maintain their fairy tale marriage image and are so hurt and crushed when the reality of real life hits them. I know I sure was. My husband had not been raised to serve me or prioritize me. In our first year of marriage because of his personality he did do that however and it was pretty romantic. I thought it was going to be that way forever. I felt so loved. However after that first year I got really sick and it changed a lot of my capabilities. I was not able to give in the same way. I started to feel empty and I was so sick. If I could go back I don't even know what I would change because I tried so hard. I just literally did not have the strength or tools to do what was needed.
One of the pitfalls that poisons marriage is a hard heart, a protected heart, a bitter heart, a heart that is not able to be vulnerable. When that happens you are getting awful close to the marriage grave. Do anything you can to run as far away from that grave as possible. You want to be able to be vulnerable and soft. You want to be able to freely give of yourself. It is different then dating. It is not a fairy tale. It is cleaning up your spouses vomit and feces when they are so sick they are not capable. It is working through the heart break of grief and loss together. It is fighting fair. It is equality and honor. It is having compassion and submission. It is so many many things that go so far past spending hours in each others arms on perfect dates. I think though that as a girl that is really what I still wish for if I was being totally honest. I felt so desired and beautiful when we were dating. I was being pursued! Now... I mean my husband and I don't even sleep in the same bed anymore!! It is not because we don't want to! It is just our reality with our children and needing decent sleep in any way we can get it. It took us years to get to that point but it is our reality now. I still wish for intimacy and connection and with our children at this stage we can barely get a word in edgewise to each other on a given day.
So how do we keep on? We just do. We go on dates when we can. I'll facebook him sometimes. We chat on the phone at his lunch break. We are the happiest we have ever been in our marriage and it is because we both had to let go of expectations, we had to put boundaries in place, and we had to reshape what marriage looked like to us as our parents had not been able to give us many tools in that regard. It has taken so much work. It has been agonizing and exhausting and honestly it was because I was so dang immature and emotionally damaged from a lot of things and so was he!!!!
So if I was going to give marriage advice in a hard ass way to my younger self I'd say ~ grow up sweet pea. You are a big girl. Get those big girl panties on. Quit whining because you don't need to be a victim in this life. Figure out who you are and be good with that. Have some strong boundaries and loads of self respect. Get lots of counseling and take care of yourself every darn day. Give as much as you possibly can in the most healthy way. Forgive forgive forgive!!!! You can do this. You can and you will. You are a fighter, you are strong, you are kind, you are capable and you are amazing. If I took my own advice it would have been a lot breezier but it was more like a strong gale and I was often blown over. Oh have I changed. If my husband were to comment he would probably look a little chagrined and agree strongly but in the end admit it is pretty awesome. He has had some hard knocks himself poor man. We all do though dont we? It's life; but with support we can do this! Yay for marriage :) Yay for growing up. Yay for being able to stay together. Many have not been able to but we have and for that I am grateful.
We were complete opposites. I did not know his family well. He did not know mine well either and before we knew it we had to live with them. We had been around each other our whole lives but did we really know each other? No. Dating is great and all but marriage is the real deal. Dating is the fantasy. It really is. No matter how firmly your resolve to keep that dating passion alive it is emotion and it is not reality. Choices my dears! Love is a choice!! The grind of paying bills, having to work for your dreams, making specific mature choices to give to each other even when it hurts.... marriage is about being grown ups. It is about battling for purity and selflessness and not battling each other but the world around us.
We were twenty one and twenty two when we got married. So we have been growing up together for a while now. It has been a pretty rough go if I do say so myself. I am glad we are still together. I feel like so many girls maintain their fairy tale marriage image and are so hurt and crushed when the reality of real life hits them. I know I sure was. My husband had not been raised to serve me or prioritize me. In our first year of marriage because of his personality he did do that however and it was pretty romantic. I thought it was going to be that way forever. I felt so loved. However after that first year I got really sick and it changed a lot of my capabilities. I was not able to give in the same way. I started to feel empty and I was so sick. If I could go back I don't even know what I would change because I tried so hard. I just literally did not have the strength or tools to do what was needed.
One of the pitfalls that poisons marriage is a hard heart, a protected heart, a bitter heart, a heart that is not able to be vulnerable. When that happens you are getting awful close to the marriage grave. Do anything you can to run as far away from that grave as possible. You want to be able to be vulnerable and soft. You want to be able to freely give of yourself. It is different then dating. It is not a fairy tale. It is cleaning up your spouses vomit and feces when they are so sick they are not capable. It is working through the heart break of grief and loss together. It is fighting fair. It is equality and honor. It is having compassion and submission. It is so many many things that go so far past spending hours in each others arms on perfect dates. I think though that as a girl that is really what I still wish for if I was being totally honest. I felt so desired and beautiful when we were dating. I was being pursued! Now... I mean my husband and I don't even sleep in the same bed anymore!! It is not because we don't want to! It is just our reality with our children and needing decent sleep in any way we can get it. It took us years to get to that point but it is our reality now. I still wish for intimacy and connection and with our children at this stage we can barely get a word in edgewise to each other on a given day.
So how do we keep on? We just do. We go on dates when we can. I'll facebook him sometimes. We chat on the phone at his lunch break. We are the happiest we have ever been in our marriage and it is because we both had to let go of expectations, we had to put boundaries in place, and we had to reshape what marriage looked like to us as our parents had not been able to give us many tools in that regard. It has taken so much work. It has been agonizing and exhausting and honestly it was because I was so dang immature and emotionally damaged from a lot of things and so was he!!!!
So if I was going to give marriage advice in a hard ass way to my younger self I'd say ~ grow up sweet pea. You are a big girl. Get those big girl panties on. Quit whining because you don't need to be a victim in this life. Figure out who you are and be good with that. Have some strong boundaries and loads of self respect. Get lots of counseling and take care of yourself every darn day. Give as much as you possibly can in the most healthy way. Forgive forgive forgive!!!! You can do this. You can and you will. You are a fighter, you are strong, you are kind, you are capable and you are amazing. If I took my own advice it would have been a lot breezier but it was more like a strong gale and I was often blown over. Oh have I changed. If my husband were to comment he would probably look a little chagrined and agree strongly but in the end admit it is pretty awesome. He has had some hard knocks himself poor man. We all do though dont we? It's life; but with support we can do this! Yay for marriage :) Yay for growing up. Yay for being able to stay together. Many have not been able to but we have and for that I am grateful.
Sunday, 22 May 2016
The Hour Of Peace
Yet another Sunday in this chapter of my life (my mothering chapter, okay chapters). The day where quiet fills my house for a few blessed hours. My husband now faithfully takes all four children to church and I stay home. Bless him Lord! I sit here and just listen to nothing (except the occasional bird) and my bedroom door is open! It is like a miracle. However I only want this for the time they are at church. I realize if my life was like this all the time I would be so lonely. It is good to keep that in the back of my mind. This quiet ~ I need it and I need it IN my home ~ but only for a while. The noise, the nervous energy, the fighting and singing, the endless chatter, the piano or clarinet or bells or pots being 'played', the climbing of the walls (it is the newest thing) and the screaming outside on the trampoline....it is all GOOD noises that need to fill me in a different way than this quiet does.
This week has been one where I have felt...I think I'd describe it like...that noise a truck makes when it backs up...beep beep beep beep.... and you just want to turn it off and stop it! My head just hasn't stopped and the thoughts have gone round and round and my body felt unable to manage. I shed so many tears. It was intense. I FELT so many sad things and overwhelmed things and little and lost. Then yesterday I was given some gifts. My aunty dropped off a vaccum and it works. I have a vaccum again. Almost our whole house is carpet....I am so relieved. I was borrowing my mom's vaccum each week and it was not ideal. I was given the gift of my husband's attention. I know...sounds lame but I really needed it. He listened to me chatter on and on, he responded, he didn't fall asleep. I was also given a gift of some hope of someone helping me with schooling next year for my children. Anyway it was like a balm was poured over my soul and I felt my body settle.
So I know life is intense. It just goes and goes and seemingly from one trauma and catastrophe to the next sometimes. Our spirits have to keep searching for those moments of ease. Those hours of peace. We have to look past the chaos when we can. Sometimes this life feels like a practice run for something more doesn't it? How are you doing? Is the practice run going well? Most of mine is a disaster. However I am learning. I am still growing and THAT is something. It is something wonderful.
Happy Sunday lovely ones. Have a great day.
This week has been one where I have felt...I think I'd describe it like...that noise a truck makes when it backs up...beep beep beep beep.... and you just want to turn it off and stop it! My head just hasn't stopped and the thoughts have gone round and round and my body felt unable to manage. I shed so many tears. It was intense. I FELT so many sad things and overwhelmed things and little and lost. Then yesterday I was given some gifts. My aunty dropped off a vaccum and it works. I have a vaccum again. Almost our whole house is carpet....I am so relieved. I was borrowing my mom's vaccum each week and it was not ideal. I was given the gift of my husband's attention. I know...sounds lame but I really needed it. He listened to me chatter on and on, he responded, he didn't fall asleep. I was also given a gift of some hope of someone helping me with schooling next year for my children. Anyway it was like a balm was poured over my soul and I felt my body settle.
So I know life is intense. It just goes and goes and seemingly from one trauma and catastrophe to the next sometimes. Our spirits have to keep searching for those moments of ease. Those hours of peace. We have to look past the chaos when we can. Sometimes this life feels like a practice run for something more doesn't it? How are you doing? Is the practice run going well? Most of mine is a disaster. However I am learning. I am still growing and THAT is something. It is something wonderful.
Happy Sunday lovely ones. Have a great day.
The Rat (A Farm Story)
This black and white cat is named Wednesday. She allowed children to do what they willed with her and never hurt one. Not even when she was lifted off the ground by her tail.
This is Charley. Once he half fell in the manure pit and came home half soaked in raw cow manure when I had the flue. He also stole my heart in such a special way. He had such a kind soul. He was the master mouse and rat catcher. He also came in the house once day with a very large snake. He and Wednesday were sister and brother and they loved each other so much. They sort of saved my life.
I lived on a farm for a portion of my childhood. During that time we lived in an old farm house. It was the house my dad grew up living in. It had four bedrooms upstairs and down those stairs, through a hallway, and through the large dining room and to the right was the lone bathroom in that house. So I grew up with one bathroom and a family of seven. Here I am today living out that joy again. I guess I was in training back then because we seem to rock this one bathroom thing. So anyway the reason why I am pointing out the location of the bathroom is because if you had the inconvenience of waking up in the night with any sort of bathroom type urgings it was quite the trek down creaky winding stairs, through the dark hallway, and dining room to the bathroom. ALSO it was PITCH black. I am not sure if night lights just had not been invented yet but it was dark. There was no street lights, no computer or printer lights, and no lit up cordless phone just pure black.
That being said another gift this old farm house gave us was mice. We had mice. They were only down stairs in the pantry and kitchen area (ha ha that I am aware of!) but they had to go through the dining room to get to the kitchen. I had too many nights where I would brave the stairs and get the light on in the dining room only to break into shrieks as I would almost be stepping on a mouse. I would jump on the table, my exhausted father would stumble out of bed yelling in terror thinking something horrible was happening, and anyway...the memories are not so rosy. So that, coupled with mice surprising me in feed barrels and hay bales and trying to rescue mice from our cat...resulted in me developing a bit of a horror of them.
After we moved I had no more mouse encounters until I was newly married and the age of twenty one. We lived in part of a basement in a house in town and one night we had some guests over and as we were chatting a little mouse walked under the door into the suite. It took one look at us and skedaddled right into my bedroom! My husband and I had never discussed mouse edicate and I was determined that I was not going to sleep in my room or even in my house that night! My husband ripped the room apart looking for it but it was not to be found. I called my dad and told him I was coming over to sleep at home but my husband told me in no uncertain terms I was not going anywhere. I was a submissive wife (back then) so I layed in my bed in horror of a mouse running over my pillow! For a couple days I lived in the agony of terror that when I opened a cupboard a little mouse would be there. We found out that the landladie's sister had thought it would be funny to bring a mouse over and let it go. I was SO not impressed. Well a couple days later we came home after a night out and it was late. We were sitting in the living room when I SAW THE MOUSE! It was in our little front entry way. I started losing my mind and hyperventilating. My husband, who also grew up on a farm and does not share my horror of mice, cooly loaded his BB gun and barricaded off the front entry way. The poor little mouse did not have a chance. I alternated between crying and pleading for its life but really I didn't want it to be in my house and I didn't see how I could catch it in my terror and my husband was a crack shot. So that was that.
Fast forward to me at twenty nine. Once again I was living on a farm and in a house that had formerly been a large storage shed. It was also right across from the barn. It was only a matter of time before the mice moved back in and they did.
At first I was oblivious but one night my sister said, 'was that a mouse?!' and a battle was started. It was indeed a mouse and he had brought his family ~ father, mother, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. They were having a hay day living in our couches, under our counters and the stove and basically everywhere in our massive house. I was not a cool customer I was losing it!! We set traps and I tried every mouse trick everyone told me to try but it did nothing. It was when I got the two cats (Charley and Wednesday) that the mice started to realize I was serious about the eviction notice. However since I had not realized how extensively they had moved in I was in for some moments of pure panic. One day I heard the cats getting pretty excited upstairs and realized they had unearthed a whole nest of mice! Mice were swarming everywhere and the cats were doing their best to keep track of them all. One mouse tried to commit suicide by jumping down from ten feet up in our mezzanine and almost landed on my head! I am not sure how I got through that incident but I did.
There were many more but the mother of all was the day that my faithful and lovely Charley cat brought in a rat. He was so proud of his catch and could not resist showing off to me. The rat was very much alive and kicking and Charley must have felt he needed a rest so he let the rat run for a bit ~ in my living room. I almost had a coronary. I ran to the barn screaming for my husband who was embarrassed and unimpressed at my total hysteria in front of his brother and the hoof trimmer. I had to go back to the house alone. Then through the haze of panic I remembered my sister in law. My hero. I knew she had no fear of mice and I was pretty sure rats would not faze her either. I called her and she came running from her house across the driveway to mine. She swooped into my house and caught that rat in a bucket. She cooly took it outside and gave it to the dog. After that the mice didn't come back. My cats where heroic and faithful in keeping the mice at bay. I was ever in their debt AND my sister in laws!
There was one mouse though that I felt a tiny bit of affection towards. That was the mouse that came out to visit the cows every milking. My husband is sure it was impaired in some way because it had no fear of the animals and would scurry around under their massive feet. He thought maybe it was blind or deaf. It was so tiny and fearless and as soon as the machine started pumping we would see its little grey body come on out. It was adorable and so faithful.
Since moving into to this house in town I have had a welcome respite from mice. Our neighbor DID have ten cats so that might explain things. She has since moved and the cat traffic has calmed down considerably. However I am hoping that I can stay mouse free and keep my sanity.
This is Charley. Once he half fell in the manure pit and came home half soaked in raw cow manure when I had the flue. He also stole my heart in such a special way. He had such a kind soul. He was the master mouse and rat catcher. He also came in the house once day with a very large snake. He and Wednesday were sister and brother and they loved each other so much. They sort of saved my life.
I lived on a farm for a portion of my childhood. During that time we lived in an old farm house. It was the house my dad grew up living in. It had four bedrooms upstairs and down those stairs, through a hallway, and through the large dining room and to the right was the lone bathroom in that house. So I grew up with one bathroom and a family of seven. Here I am today living out that joy again. I guess I was in training back then because we seem to rock this one bathroom thing. So anyway the reason why I am pointing out the location of the bathroom is because if you had the inconvenience of waking up in the night with any sort of bathroom type urgings it was quite the trek down creaky winding stairs, through the dark hallway, and dining room to the bathroom. ALSO it was PITCH black. I am not sure if night lights just had not been invented yet but it was dark. There was no street lights, no computer or printer lights, and no lit up cordless phone just pure black.
That being said another gift this old farm house gave us was mice. We had mice. They were only down stairs in the pantry and kitchen area (ha ha that I am aware of!) but they had to go through the dining room to get to the kitchen. I had too many nights where I would brave the stairs and get the light on in the dining room only to break into shrieks as I would almost be stepping on a mouse. I would jump on the table, my exhausted father would stumble out of bed yelling in terror thinking something horrible was happening, and anyway...the memories are not so rosy. So that, coupled with mice surprising me in feed barrels and hay bales and trying to rescue mice from our cat...resulted in me developing a bit of a horror of them.
After we moved I had no more mouse encounters until I was newly married and the age of twenty one. We lived in part of a basement in a house in town and one night we had some guests over and as we were chatting a little mouse walked under the door into the suite. It took one look at us and skedaddled right into my bedroom! My husband and I had never discussed mouse edicate and I was determined that I was not going to sleep in my room or even in my house that night! My husband ripped the room apart looking for it but it was not to be found. I called my dad and told him I was coming over to sleep at home but my husband told me in no uncertain terms I was not going anywhere. I was a submissive wife (back then) so I layed in my bed in horror of a mouse running over my pillow! For a couple days I lived in the agony of terror that when I opened a cupboard a little mouse would be there. We found out that the landladie's sister had thought it would be funny to bring a mouse over and let it go. I was SO not impressed. Well a couple days later we came home after a night out and it was late. We were sitting in the living room when I SAW THE MOUSE! It was in our little front entry way. I started losing my mind and hyperventilating. My husband, who also grew up on a farm and does not share my horror of mice, cooly loaded his BB gun and barricaded off the front entry way. The poor little mouse did not have a chance. I alternated between crying and pleading for its life but really I didn't want it to be in my house and I didn't see how I could catch it in my terror and my husband was a crack shot. So that was that.
Fast forward to me at twenty nine. Once again I was living on a farm and in a house that had formerly been a large storage shed. It was also right across from the barn. It was only a matter of time before the mice moved back in and they did.
At first I was oblivious but one night my sister said, 'was that a mouse?!' and a battle was started. It was indeed a mouse and he had brought his family ~ father, mother, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. They were having a hay day living in our couches, under our counters and the stove and basically everywhere in our massive house. I was not a cool customer I was losing it!! We set traps and I tried every mouse trick everyone told me to try but it did nothing. It was when I got the two cats (Charley and Wednesday) that the mice started to realize I was serious about the eviction notice. However since I had not realized how extensively they had moved in I was in for some moments of pure panic. One day I heard the cats getting pretty excited upstairs and realized they had unearthed a whole nest of mice! Mice were swarming everywhere and the cats were doing their best to keep track of them all. One mouse tried to commit suicide by jumping down from ten feet up in our mezzanine and almost landed on my head! I am not sure how I got through that incident but I did.
This is what the mouse jumped off of.
There were many more but the mother of all was the day that my faithful and lovely Charley cat brought in a rat. He was so proud of his catch and could not resist showing off to me. The rat was very much alive and kicking and Charley must have felt he needed a rest so he let the rat run for a bit ~ in my living room. I almost had a coronary. I ran to the barn screaming for my husband who was embarrassed and unimpressed at my total hysteria in front of his brother and the hoof trimmer. I had to go back to the house alone. Then through the haze of panic I remembered my sister in law. My hero. I knew she had no fear of mice and I was pretty sure rats would not faze her either. I called her and she came running from her house across the driveway to mine. She swooped into my house and caught that rat in a bucket. She cooly took it outside and gave it to the dog. After that the mice didn't come back. My cats where heroic and faithful in keeping the mice at bay. I was ever in their debt AND my sister in laws!
There was one mouse though that I felt a tiny bit of affection towards. That was the mouse that came out to visit the cows every milking. My husband is sure it was impaired in some way because it had no fear of the animals and would scurry around under their massive feet. He thought maybe it was blind or deaf. It was so tiny and fearless and as soon as the machine started pumping we would see its little grey body come on out. It was adorable and so faithful.
Since moving into to this house in town I have had a welcome respite from mice. Our neighbor DID have ten cats so that might explain things. She has since moved and the cat traffic has calmed down considerably. However I am hoping that I can stay mouse free and keep my sanity.
Thursday, 19 May 2016
Love You So So Much
Cute things children say. If you are a mother I bet you have a bushel of cute sayings tucked away that you remember. My mother used to tell me stories of things I would say that she never forgot. With children the saying, 'out of the heart the mouth speaks' is so true. They don't have much of a filter and they just say whatever they are thinking. One time one of my children described running around naked feeling like 'a pig out of its gate.' I have been told when I am pregnant that I look like a 'huge huge airplane.' Of course I have hundreds more. But really they only sound super cute when you hear them out of the child's mouth and you know the child so if you are their mom....That being said I wont quote more.
I have been having a hard last couple days. It is mostly hormonal and when my hormones are off then anything I struggle with in general, and usually can keep a handle on, just feels like crushing weights and I just want to struggle like a maniac throwing them all off. I can never seem to quite do that. So this week has been a battle. This morning my little girl snuggled into bed with me and just started to stroke my back. She said, 'Mommy I love you so so so so so much, and even if one day you don't like me very much I will always love you.' It was all I needed. I just needed to feel like someone loved me no matter what. I needed to feel like I was more than just a body in this house that does things for people and that if I don't do things for people then I basically have no worth.
In that moment I felt so loved.
If you are in the house today or sitting at work, and it is grey and raining outside, and if you have been feeling lonely and unseen, if you heart feels overwhelmed and tired, if you just want to feel loved and like you matter ~ I KNOW you matter and I know you are loved. It is hard to FEEL it sometimes but the truth of the matter is quite simple: We just do matter and we just are loved. We need to tell that to ourselves and to live it out to ourselves and others. I was thinking that today I need to do something for myself that shows me that I matter to myself. It might sound weird but I know it will help. I hope you are okay out there. I hope you are making it through. I hope on the harder days you have many moments where someone tells you in whatever way you can hear that you are so so so so so loved and no matter what you do you always will be. xo
I have been having a hard last couple days. It is mostly hormonal and when my hormones are off then anything I struggle with in general, and usually can keep a handle on, just feels like crushing weights and I just want to struggle like a maniac throwing them all off. I can never seem to quite do that. So this week has been a battle. This morning my little girl snuggled into bed with me and just started to stroke my back. She said, 'Mommy I love you so so so so so much, and even if one day you don't like me very much I will always love you.' It was all I needed. I just needed to feel like someone loved me no matter what. I needed to feel like I was more than just a body in this house that does things for people and that if I don't do things for people then I basically have no worth.
In that moment I felt so loved.
If you are in the house today or sitting at work, and it is grey and raining outside, and if you have been feeling lonely and unseen, if you heart feels overwhelmed and tired, if you just want to feel loved and like you matter ~ I KNOW you matter and I know you are loved. It is hard to FEEL it sometimes but the truth of the matter is quite simple: We just do matter and we just are loved. We need to tell that to ourselves and to live it out to ourselves and others. I was thinking that today I need to do something for myself that shows me that I matter to myself. It might sound weird but I know it will help. I hope you are okay out there. I hope you are making it through. I hope on the harder days you have many moments where someone tells you in whatever way you can hear that you are so so so so so loved and no matter what you do you always will be. xo
Wednesday, 18 May 2016
Sometimes.... A Poem From January 2009
Sometimes my soul flies away
To a place where the thrill of
Everything comes to me
So clearly I can feel it
When usually
I am numb
I am numb
But the mist lightly caressing the top of a jagged hedge
And the late autumn rose out my window
Or my grandma's rare kiss
The taste of hot chocolate when I'm cold inside
Or feeling really pretty from a mirror for a moment
The depth of a perfect scarlett
Or the soothing murmur of a creek in the quiet
The kinship or sitting surrounded by tall grass
Or walking alone and seeing something rare.
The country is my home
Where the feeling of belonging fills a void
A wooden fence looks right
And the smell of a horses neck is something to inhale
An apple tree in bloom is indescribable
Running into freedom with winged feet
Wind blushing color into my cheeks
Galloping bareback feeling one with all.
Sometimes my soul flies away
To a place where the thrill of
Everything comes to me
So clearly I can feel it
So that I know
Somewhere in me is a place
Where I kissed it all
So lovingly
And tucked it away
To bring out
And rediscover
Again
Tuesday, 17 May 2016
Some of My Syle In Pictures
I am going to do some random posts about my style. I am finding it fun! I have never closely analyzed my style and its been great to pick apart what I wear and why I choose the things I do!
This shirt is from my favorite store called The Button Box. It is one of my favorite! The brand is a'reve which I have never heard of before. The jeans are from some random store in the mall probably Bluenotes and the boots are my triumph! They are from a thrift store. I had prayed for them for months. I just wanted grey boots. These ones are leather, made in Italy and were $15.00. I love them. As for the back drop of this picture. It is in my kitchen. I pick flooring that you can't see dirt on because I literally wash my floors about four times a year. It just seems like if I do a big wash the kids immediately spill something that makes it worse than it was before so I just gave up and dont wash them. I wear shoes 24/7 in my house because of this. You can see the shelves. They were made by my amazingly talented husband. They took him about half an hour to whip up. They are my favorite part of this house we have. The bowls are my grandmother's. My friend's Emily and Liv picked the blue color the wall is painted. I am pregnant with my fourth child here. I always feel prettier when I am pregnant in regards to my hair and skin, and my hormones are better so my self esteem is better. I tend to dress more creatively. I also don't have a nursing baby so I wear things I would not usually wear. It looks like that is my leaf necklace which I got at Reitmans I think!
This was my pregnancy maternity shoot with my fourth baby. I got the dress from the Button Box. I LOVED this moment of my life. I felt so like myself. I had flowers in my hair and it was stormy and windy and I was in and by the ocean. Pictures were taken by Emily. I was barefoot.
This out fit was a gem. I loved the colors! The little sweater was from Bootlegger of all places and the shirt was a tank top but I have no clue where it was from. I was given a second exact one from my friend Bethany during my pregnancy. I loved the comfyness of this skirt and I have no clue where I got it from. The scarf is from my friend in Germany.
This shirt was from my sister. I think she got it out of a black bag in Hawaii when she was in YWAM. I love lace. I dont wear it enough. Mostly because it is so delicate. This picture is taken by Emily in our friend's buttercup field.
These jeans are the only ones in my repertoire I fit right now and the only ones I have fit since giving birth almost two years ago now. I wear them often hence the hole in the knee. It is not supposed to be so big. The grey sweater was a gift from Shanda and I love it! The shirt is also a staple that I wear most days because it is totally loose and soft. I like to hide my mid section because I have separated stomach muscles and so it always looks like I am pregnant. No tight shirts for me. The scarf was a thrift store find. The only scarf I have ever purchased from a thrift store and I love it. The boots are from Vancouver. I got them on boxing day. They replaced a green pair I had. At first I didn't love them but now I do. I wear either those or my black flip flops pretty much every day.
This sweater I found at Spank. Isn't it great? Well I love it anyway. It is so soft and warm and enough color for me. I love color but not too much of it.I am wearing a scarf from my cousin Joanna and leg warmers from my sis for Christmas.
This is the kind of stuff I wear most days. That black skirt is my saving grace. It covers a multitude of sins and I find black or grey is what I gravitate to. I did just buy a super bright pair of pants from Winners but have not had the guts to wear them yet. The sweater is from Garage Clothing and the leggings from Winners. I dont usually wear a necklace. If I do then I put it on and it gets kind of stuck there and I never take it off. Then when I do take it off my neck is once again unadorned for months. I do not have my ears pierced either.
So I have no idea what my style would be called but I see that the theme of my clothing is comfort, simplicity, bits of color, most of it given to me and I like to wear things for years. Thanks for taking the time to read and thanks so much Lynsey for asking me to do this! It really was so good for me to analyze how my clothing tastes had changed and how my attitude towards clothing has changed. I realize I usually cover my upper arms as I have always felt they were too big! Funny eh? My style has been largely influenced by Jordana and as the years wore on other dear friends. If my oldest daughter and I are ever in a store she can pick out multiple outfits she can imagine my friends or sisters wearing but never me. I had this nagging feeling like I did not have any distinct style,
but I see that I do. So thanks again for this!
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