And I Am, In a Way, Set Free

  When I was expecting my son (my second child but first biological one) I had no CLUE how complicated breastfeeding could be. I thought you birthed the child, and magically nursing would ensue. Going to a prenatal class was a wake up call!!! I am so thankful I went. The nurse who taught it was very descriptive and I realized I needed to try to do a bit of research. Apparently getting the right 'latch' was very important and the list went on. However no research prepared me!!

  After going through a pretty hard and intense labor with my first baby our breastfeeding journey was very challenging. There was no relaxation or happy hormones happening during nursing him. There was a lot of screaming (from him), anxiety, pain and he was allergic to my milk (and all foods). He would vomit, gulp air, and honestly it was really quite hellish. I could not quit nursing however because he was allergic to all formulas as well and so we continued on. If I had known then what I know now!!!!! He needed a lip and tongue tie revision, he had acid reflux, he needed chiropractor adjustments and I needed more sleep and support. I was a mess, he was a mess! I nursed him until he was about a year and a half. He weaned himself.

  When I had my second bio child I had more confidence and know how about all things to do with babies in general! I was able to nurse her right after she was born and she was able to latch much better than my first. She did not have such severe allergies and although she also should have had a lip and tongue tie revision I had not heard of this yet. We persevered through thrush and me getting mastitis many times. We co slept and she nursed until she was almost two. She also self weaned.

  Fast forward almost eleven years from when I had my first bio baby.. to today. My youngest just turned three on August 17th and tonight I realized he has finally weaned. He was born at home (my other two were born in hospital) and nursed immediately after birth as well. He was the first one that got a lip and tongue tie revision done. We were able to nurse much more comfortably after the first couple months of torture. I also co slept with him and nursing was important to him. All my babies have also had soothers but none have had bottles. I assumed he would wean around the time my other two had but he didn't. After two years I felt like I needed to make a decision around what I was going to do. Would I breast feed until he decided to wean? What if he was four or something!! However I realized this was something that mattered a lot to him. When he was angry or very sad, when he was sick, nursing got him through. He loved to cuddle and nurse and I realized of course I wanted to do this for him and so I did.

  Tonight my oldest said to me..'Mom now you can go on a holiday by yourself!!!' I have been wishing for that for a solid year at least! I just wanted to sleep in my own bed without needing to wake up to nurse a little someone in the night. I wanted solid sleep etc.

  However as time went on at first he started to nurse less in the day, then less at night, then he started to sleep all the way through the night when he was about two and a half, then he started just nursing when he woke up and then to sleep at night and slowly but surely the morning nursings tapered off. Then he started falling asleep just snuggling into me but not nursing and it has been such a slow and natural process. It has not been easy for me sometimes. I have felt like I just could not stand another nursing session and had to do my best to get through. Other times I was sick or just so tired and my body ached. Now that I am done, and have been getting better sleep for some months I already miss it!!

  Nursing is a sacrifice but it is the perfect picture of all motherhood is.

  You give your time, your body, your nourishment, your soft arms and body ~ to your baby ~  not just for nourishment but also for attachment.

  When nursing is not going well, when it is causing grief...step back and seek help.

  You might need more sleep, you might need a different nursing position, your baby might need a lip or tongue tie revision, you might need more support and encouragement...but nursing is important and to your baby it is the most beautiful most precious gift you can give them.

  So to you moms out there I'll say what your baby can't say....you are the best!!! Your gift to them is valuable and selfless and kind. Keep on, and if you are so worn, eyes burning from lack of sleep, if you want to give up and you are just starting out...nursing gets easier, the sessions get a lot shorter, and your baby starts to look into your eyes, play with your hair, get excited when they know they get to nurse...and it is precious ~ I know you can do this.

  However it seems like in this house hold a milestone has been passed and nursing is complete. It feels surreal. Three years...THREE YEARS and just like that it is done. As I get older I realize more and more that even when you are IN the crazy exhausting periods of time with each child ~ times does pass and it is over. They grow up and their intense need for you diminishes. You are left a little more empty in a sense, a little older, and your heart has been transformed each time more and more. So if you are able ~ let yourself know that this time, right now, when they need you most ~ is so valuable. YOU are valuable. Keep on xo

 Bless you ~
Tansy