Grandma

   My grandma has been gone a while now and I can still hear her voice and see her smile clear as day. She was my mom's mom and she lived in a small village by a lake. She had grown up on a farm in the prairies with no running water or electricity and went to barn dances in a sleigh drawn by a horse. She didn't talk about this much but late in life when she lost a lot of her eye sight she wrote books of poetry and talked about this. I read these poems to my children often. At her funeral my uncle set out flowers and my aunties set out her quilts, and these are just a few of them that were hung all over the walls of the large hall that we gathered at. She was such an artist and she used her winters to make quilts. They  are so beautiful to me and I treasure the ones I have. She loved her flower gardens and canning and she grew food as well. She sewed her grandaughters dresses and she sewed some of her own clothes. She was an amazing cook and her food tasted like home. She made Christmas decorations and pillows and delighted in hiking and reading and music. She supported my grandpa in his unique and obessive interests and worked hard all her life. She loved me a lot and some of my most comforting and happy memories are with her. I am so grateful for my grandma and there are so many days still where I long to be able to go over to her house, knock on her door, wait for a long while for someone to answer, and then be welcomed in. I am a grandmother myself now and I hope and pray I can offer the same care, creativity, and support that my grandmother offered to me. 

A Family Reunion

  My husband comes from an extended family of well over two thousand people. Yes, right now the count is at about almost two thousand five hundred  people give or take a few! There is going to be a family reunion and so there has been a book compiled that we just got a few days ago. Many families have contributed pictures and we live in a relatively small town. It was astounding to see pictures of people we know but had no idea we were related to! It all started with two people who got married in 1920 and had twelve children together. Each of their children had from six to eleven children each. From one of their children came eight hundred and seven descendants alone. 

  I did not know the exact number of children that I wanted to have when I started this journey and at my age now I wish I could have had more. The work load is more than I can manage. The stress is more than I can manage but the blessing is also just beyond measure. Children are everything good the Bible says they are. They are such a blessing and heritage. In starting out my parenting journey I never really internalized how big my family could grow to. When my oldest got married I realized that one day I may have twelve children if each of them get married and that if they each have children just how big my family might get. To me this means so much. My family means so much to me and there is such a weight in wanting them to know the love of God and also the security and beauty attachment brings. I am locked in to serving and loving them all my days. I adore this life even in my failings and frailty. It is such a gift. Who knows how many descendants my husband and I will have and how they will struggle and persevere and also how they will be victorious. Prayer is powerful and love is powerful. I want to hold that close. 

Tansy

Generational Trauma

  I have been feeling the weight of generations lately. I talked to my mother a few days ago and was reminded of her journey through life. I felt a lot of grief, and this got me thinking about my grandfathers and beyond them as well. I have a whole mix of ancestral shores. My folk come from Ireland, Scotland, England and more. Why did they come to Canada and what were their circumstances? How did we get the genetic illnesses that we have in our genes? I have so many questions and not many answers. 

  Some of my children are reaching adulthood and my first biological child has always struggled deeply. I believe they are a highly sensitive individual and they have extra high anxiety coupled with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and other things. I am essentially a genetic dumpster fire of unknowns and have passed on many things I didn't know I had to my children. My paternal grandfather fought through the Second World War starting in his teen years. I believe he was a highly sensitive person that would not have been given many tools to manage that sensitivity. I think after the war the trauma would have been beyond cruel to his body and brain. He brought eight children into the world. My maternal grandfather had a famous father who was rarely home. His mother died from cancer when he was a young adult I believe. He was an artist really, and so highly sensitive and probably anxious as well. This came out of both men in various forms of abuse. My mother managed this by becoming highly controlling and manipulative and my dad had very low capacity for managing his big emotions at home. He also ended up choosing the worst possible job for his mental state but excelled at it in public. At home he could not cope with the fallout of the job. It's just been a cruel reality for myself and my siblings and then now I am raising six children of my own and I see the fallout of my failure in the struggles of my oldest children. I take full responsibility and also recognize the weight of the generations of trauma that get handed down and down and down. I have wanted to mitigate the effects of trauma somehow for my children but didn't really know how and finding out how is not an instant process. I have caused them trauma in various ways. It is such a nightmare. There is SO MUCH to learn and to heal from and how? How? HOW? It doesn't just magically come ~ the healing ~ it takes a life time because it comes from my DNA and from my childhood and from it all! 

 I wanted to say too ~ and I write this with tears ~

My ancestors were hard workers, they were smart (some of them geniuses), and they were survivors. My ancestors were kind and giving people (very giving). They were very creative. They loved nature and animals and beauty. The sea called to their souls. They felt peace in nature and on water. They were writers, master gardeners, musicians, and could express themselves through song and verse. They were handsome and tall and small and tough. They fished and wrote books, and farmed, and influenced and sang. They danced and served and gave and gave. I am so thankful to them for that. I want to be more, I want to heal more. I want to draw people in rather than repel people away. I want to be able to handle rejection and cruelty with grace and maturity and I want to hold my children with such gentleness and love. 

Walking around in a highly sensitive body with generations of trauma is not for the weak.

I am not weak

You are not weak

There is strength to draw on 

Not just from you or from myself

But from the Holy Spirit 

From God

And that is lasting and powerful and makes a difference. It also brings the most powerful sense of hope and peace. 

So as I recognize both the struggles and the beauty that come from my ancestors, and as I see the struggles and the beauty in my own children, I hope to bring honour and healing to this family through hard work, through commitment, and through grace. It is worth it ~ so worth it ~ but turning a tide? It won't be impossible but it will take all I have!

xo

Tansy

August

  August has been when we really felt like Summer was summer! The garden produced beans and flowers and a zucchini or two. The sun shone warm and sultry and the house was hot and humid. We jumped in the pool over and over again and ate numerous popsicles. Different sections of  the family went off on various holidays and had fabulous adventures. 

This summer all my children and my grandchild are in my house. It is so special seeing everyone grow and blossom in the sunshine. We have had some special guests come to visit that have warmed my heart deeply. We have gone on little excursions to the park, the zoo, or for ice cream that have felt reminiscent and magical. June and July were quite hard to be honest. August has just been amazing. Now the reality of September is descending and for me it is always a looming feeling. I only have three children to homeschool this year. It should be a breeze. It is never a breeze. I just hope there are many lovely moments of connection, joy and learning, that hugely overshadow the feelings of chaos and anxiety that coincide with homeschooling for me. I know my brain does not operate the most optimally and I am well versed in navigating its issues but homeschooling magnifies its shortcomings!

 I have so deeply appreciated these weeks ~ August 2025 ~ where my grandson got his first front tooth, and where my son turned eleven, where my six year old and I sewed a little bear, where my one year old started talking so much and changed into a toddler, where my fourteen year old had a boy have a crush on her, where my eighteen year old had the most fun he has had in years. If only I could bottle this up and remember it. 

May your last couple weeks of August hold beauty and joy for you.

God bless

Tansy xo

Poppy

 Poppy

I see a Poppy bloom

It's delicate petals wrinkled and sticky

So new

And it had to bloom

Bravely, beautifully, openly

And it is only for one day really

Hours of rich color looking to the sun

And then its petals descend

My days have been many

Have I been brave, open, beautiful?

Have I truly bloomed?

I came vulnerable, crying for connection

I came needing sunshine and water

I came needing.

After the beauty of the Poppy

Came the seeds

The cycle to continue on

The bravery and the vibrancy

To live again

I do not know my hour

I do not know the number of my breaths

I cannot store up lasting anything

Here

And oh to bloom, to glow, to lift up my head,

To feel that I was worthy too

Or to never question but to live it however long or short

Like the Poppy

My Second Graduate

  In May of 2025 my son graduated high school. He homeschooled from grade one to grade twelve. School for him was incredibly challenging. He did not learn to read until he was nearly twelve and writing is not something he enjoys. I often have felt like I was pulling him kicking and screaming through this school journey and it was incredibly hard for both of us. With this being said when he graduated he refused any sort of celebration. He found graduating terrifying but also because he hated the school work so much it was a relief. It has been so complicated and so exhausting and so hard and yet he did it. We did it. Along the way he had tutors that encouraged him and blessed him and inspired him. He had many moments of laughter and times when learning was amazing (he just does not remember them). 

  My hope for him is that he finds that who he is in God is enough. My hope is he pursues health and healing. My hope is that he feels loved and cherished and that he feels brave. Here are some photos he let me take of him to remember this season of life. 

Photos of Life

There is so much joy 

So much joy

Seven Months With a Miracle

   My grandson is seven months old today. It is a Sunday and he just was carried upstairs by his father who just had his hair permed last night by his mother. It was not long ago that they were two children only nineteen and twenty. They were wild and free. They lived on an edge and they had parents praying desperate prayers of preservation. How quickly life can shift. We all know this so well. I am now a Marmee with a one year old myself and a seven month old grandson. It all seemed to happen in a heartbeat (or many heartbeats pounding out of control). His parents live in our basement suite and have to work hard all day and night. They have to be responsible and freedom looks very different. 

  My grandson is the perfect mix of energy and sweetness. He has such bright warm eyes and the sweetest little grin. He adores animals. Their presence brings such a reaction of joy and light in his soul. He can't talk or wave but when he sees his daddy after a long day apart his body vibrates with joyful energy at their reunion. He can be crying and crying but if he comes upstairs his little tears change to smiles as he is greeted by joyful cries from his aunties of who are ages one and six. He is snuggled and sang to and played with and so deeply loved. 

  He has two tiny teeth on the bottom and a crinkle in his forehead when he smiles. When he lies on his tummy he paddles his arms and legs and reminds me a bit of a turtle. He can roll over and turn in circles. He can sit up and loves his soother. He loves to gently pat your face or snuggle into you. He also doesn't sit still a lot of the time but rocks back and forth. He tries to run if you stand him up and hold his hands. He has transformed our lives and brought our hearts so much joy. He has brought healing to our family and to his parents. He is a miracle. Seven months of this miracle. Thank you God.

I Hope That They Will Bloom

   I always have this longing and I think it is the best thing to have. I long to be more than I am. I long to spread my wings and I long to unfurl and bloom. 

  Yesterday I was able to go outside into the front yard with my husband and do some yard work. He does not find a lot of joy in acts of service and he does not find a lot of joy in yard work so this very rarely happens. He was willing to do exactly what I asked. My front yard was wild and looked uncared for. It was an embarrassment for me. To work out there and to tame it a little felt amazing. There was this point while I was pulling out tufts of grass from between the curb and driveway ~ green was growing in the most impossible place. It held on with such firmness and as I pulled it away many tiny insects were displaced. Was it the right choice? To edge a driveway because of pride? Why did I think about this? Why did I care? 

  We cut down about four walnut trees and an acorn tree as well. Squirrels had kindly planted them for us but not in the right places. They had grown so quickly and so faithfully and were many feet taller than myself. My husband had to use a chainsaw and ear protection. Some type of orange Poppy had completely taken over a pathway and you could not traverse it. It is all gone now and the path is free to walk on. It looks clean and kept, but the bright profusion of tangerine is gone. 

  Is it truly better? This is the thing. I don't know. I always want to know. What is right? What is best? As my mind goes over this it circles to parenting. What is right? What is best? How do I not make a mess of things. Each of my children have been wounded by me. In my heart I want to be so much more and I want to be light and happy and creative and energetic and I am none of those things with any sort of regularity. I am burdened and way too tired. I could dig forever to find a way out of this and never get anywhere. So the Poppies are gone and so are the flowering bushes that I didn't even know the name of and the Purple Irises and mint. Grass is planted there now to make things easier. Was that right? Was it best? Can I not just throw off shackles and laugh? Can I not just summon energy to bless me? What will my children say of me when they are grown. I hear some things they say now. I am ashamed, and will they ever be able to see my heart?

   I wanted to grow raspberry bushes in straight rows with a pole at each end and a line to help them hold up their heads. The raspberries grew but I never planted the poles in the earth and weeds overtook them and they are all but gone. I wanted to have blueberry plants and they were planted but never grew. Not even an inch. This is what did happen. Last year we did have raspberries and they were little thimbles of happiness. They brought joy and I can plant rasberries again sometime. My baby grew (unlike the blueberries) and she has blossomed. She is running and jumping and talking and laughing and hugging and kissing and full of light. In amongst the frailty or my trying there is light. Even as the Poppies are taken away and the green pulled away from the edges of my driveway I know that seeds will still be scattered and the insects will find a new home. I see my children growing even in my failings. I see them learning and trying and failing too. I see how they struggle as I have ~ my struggles passed on to a new generation. I hope they will plant new seeds and grow in ways I have not been able to. I hope they can marvel in the raspberries and put poles in the ground so the raspberries can hold up their heads. I hope their blueberry bushes will thrive. I hope they will feel rooted, joyful, creative, and that they will spread their wings, unfurl and bloom. 

Desserts

  Someday you should make home made pudding. It is so easy ~ look up any recipe. While that is cooling in the fridge whip up a white cake. This is also easy and takes hardly any time. Make it all in one bowl ~ just put the wet ingredients in first and beat them up before dumping the dry on tope and mixing. While that bakes and cools whip some whipping cream with not much sugar and some vanilla.

When these three things are almost ready cut up some strawberries or peaches or whatever fruit seems good to you that day. Then grab a big beautiful bowl that you love.

Cut up the cake into cubes and get out the pudding and whip cream from the fridge along with the fruit.

In the bottom of the bowl put a layer of cake, on top of that put a layer of pudding, on top of that put a layer of fruit and on top of that a layer of whip cream. Repeat that until the bowl is full ending off with whip cream and a few pieces of fruit to garnish. Put this in the fridge awhile to cool and set.

This dessert is light, so delicious and cool, and it just soothes and comforts your mouth. It is one of my favourites. Before you serve it invite some friends over to enjoy it and put a bouquet of flowers on your table. 

Another dessert I love is just layering store bought rice pudding, banana pieces, and whip cream over and over in a pretty cup topped with whip cream. It is so easy and so delicious and you could buy pre whipped cream in a spray can but homemade tastes better. This one is a great dessert for when you feel like you need something to soothe your soul and bind your wounds. Just kidding, but it is another comforting dessert.

Another dessert that I love is homemade cookies with ice cream between them put in the freezer. Whenever you need a cold treat you have ice cream sandwiches.

One last dessert for a cold rainy dreary day ~ peel and cut up finely some apples maybe six for a smaller pan and ten for a bigger one and in a bowl toss them with a bit of flour. Squeeze half a lemon over them and then put them in a cake pan. In the empty bowl the apples were in put two cups of flour, two cups of brown sugar, a cup and a half of butter and some cinnamon (like a tsp or two) and two cups of quick oats. Mix that altogether with your fingers till crumbly and put on top of the apples. If you are doing a smaller recipe just make less topping. The two cup recipe is for a large 9 by 13 cake pan. This is apple crisp. I love adding blueberries to the apples part. I bake this for over an hour in a 350 degree oven. I cover it at the end so the topping does not get too dark. It is ready when you stick a fork in it and there is no resistance from the apples. This can be a breakfast too! It is so so deletable served with ice cream or whipping cream and when it is warm it just exudes comfort.

If you make any of these

I hope they bring you joy :)

Just remember to wash the dishes as you go and the end result will be less overwhelming. 

xo

You Are In Your Wilderness Again

 You are in your wilderness again

Among the Daisies and silver Birch trees

The grass thin in the warm summer 

Mosquitoes buzzing, cows slapping tails

The water shimmering.

I am home here

The baby crying

The piano singing

And little voices a humming away

A cacophony of sorts

I am needed

Desperately

Momma momma mommy

I see Roses out my window

The corn across the way stretching up

And think thoughts that don't amount to much

I wish I was more

While you cook over an open fire

And talk and sleep

You sleep under bright stars

I soothe tears at night

Night after night I soothe tears

Catching them

I read stories

Fold clothes

Tuck in little ones

And our lives

They seem to vastly different

And on some dark starless loud nights

I catch my own tears

And you sleep

In your wilderness

Again

~ Tansy

In The Thick of Summer

 We live relatively close to the coast and so our Summers lately tend to be hot and muggy. We also live in a valley and the air is trapped between the mountains. When it is hot it is a wilting heat that cooks your bones. It is amazing really (how hot it gets now) and how glad am I that I don't cook over a wood cook stove or physically wash all the clothes. Summer heat now a days is such a blessing because the children can be outside so much and because they are called to grow. There is something about the sunshine and the great outdoors that speaks to their cells and up they go. 

This being almost mid July I am not sure exactly what I hoped would be happening but whatever that was it is not happening. My children and I have all taken turns getting sick. Only one child has been spared, bless her, and she has slept outside almost every night and I think that might be the key to her not catching this sickness we have had. It has been a down and out sickness that has brought us quite low. I have had it for weeks now. I just can't shake it. I am reading the Anne of Green Gables series, she had six children, and when her oldest is thirteen she goes on a three month vacation to Europe with her husband because she has lost her spark and is worn out. Anne always, from the time she had her first child, had Susan Baker as a house keeper and cook. She never mothered alone or homeschooled. I have six children as well and am breast feeding. I am worn to a shadow and have been for way too long. If I had a house keeper and did not homeschool I wonder, I really do, who I would be. This sickness is a good reminder that my body just does not have it in it to fight and mend well. So I cough and cough and suffer other things. My almost two year old and six year old are also just not able to fight off anything right now. They have gotten three viruses I think and my one year old has an ear infection right now.

I think there is a leaky gut component shooting us all in the foot. I have never been a passionate cook and as much as I know how we should eat and what I should do, I don't often do it. Our bodies are not in any sort of prime condition to thrive.

So the month of June was filled with sickness and it is almost the middle of July and there is still sickness in the house. I am up night after night with a feverish someone and am struggling to maintain my patience and positivity. 

This too shall pass

The Roses out my window, and the kindness from friends and family are sustaining and life giving. Yesterday my friend payed for house cleaners to come for three hours and work on my house. It feels amazing to have been given that gift. The other morning my dad drove for two hours to bring me three dozen beautiful eggs from my sister's house. There have been days I was too sick to get out of bed and so my husband was willing to help with the children so I could rest. Another dear friend made me healing tea and broth and dropped it by. I am thankful to reflect back on these things and see the gifts I have been given. 

I know I am on the mend now and I hope after the baby finishes up with this ear infection that she will also be on the mend and the rest of the Summer ~ a month and half is all that is left~ will see us healed. I have a few weeks of solo parenting ahead and I will need to plan small adventures for my youngest ones. I hope whatever season you are in there is much to cherish even if the season is not all you thought it could be.