Happiness is Not the Goal?

 I had a counselling session the other day and it was one that really struck me.

I have been in counselling very regularly for eight years. This past summer I have not been able to afford both my son's and my counselling sessions, and so I have not had any, and I have missed it more than I thought I would.

Counselling for me is a bit like a light house. Every time I have counselling I feel like I have been lost at sea and counselling is that light that guides me back home to myself. 

This session happened because my son ended up not being able to take the session at the last possible minute. 

I had expressed the wish that I have to feel happier. I asked this very immature feeling question about when it would happen. I felt like a little child asking it. Like, when would I have worked hard enough that I am just going to feel happier? Her response hit deeeeeply. 

She said that the goal in life is not to feel happy all the time. 

Now, being a church goer has really caused a lot of confusion for me in regards to joy and feeling happy all the time. There tends to be a lot of toxic positivity present in church. It is preached that if I just follow x,y, and z ~ some magic protocol ~ then I will be happier. If it doesn't work, well, there is something wrong with me.

Toxic positivity

It felt amazing naming that and starting to shed a bit of that burden off my shoulders.

No, this is the goal for someone who is healthy, emotionally mature, and aware of who they are, and their strengths and weaknesses. The goal is to be able to sit with pain and big negative emotions. 

See, joy and happiness, wonder and creativity are always present. Well, so is pain and trauma etc. If we have a way to sit with the pain and to process it, that is the key to unlocking many other doors.

People like myself who have a very hard time facing the deep reality of how bad the pain is, how chronic it is, how toxic it is, they form addictions. For me it is a screen and sugar. For others it is smoking or vaping or drinking, for others it is porn or something totally different. 

If we don't learn how to adapt, tolerate and learn from pain we build a way to AVOID it. This is where addictions come in. Sadly, addiction becomes both a jailor and a saviour. Addiction causes this even bigger void that we are frantically trying to fill. 

If we can honour and accept that we are flawed, that we are broken, and face the futility of what we can't do; we can ALSO in the same breath hold faith for what we can do.

Maybe this will hit you like it hit me.

It is okay to feel bad, sad, grieved, etc.

It is okay

And you can find tools to sit in those emotions because they do not last forever. They will not stay. You can be crying about something and then laugh through your tears at something else.

See joy is also present, peace is also present, love is also present. They all co exist together right alongside the pain. Trying to shove pain out of the pictures often means that joy will also be shoved out.

I am guilty of this. 

If the focus could be on connection, on my worthiness and others worthiness ~ If my focus could be on regulating my fear and walking with a looser stride. Fear tends to bring about the need to control. I am the queen of control, oh please let me become the queen of capacity to hold my pain in tender hands. 

In the last little while I have cradled my new born granddaughter with the most tender gentle hands. May I somehow, someway, be able to cradle my pain in this way. 

May this capacity create pathways to powerful change in my life. 

May it do the same for yours

xo

Tansy