My Little Guy Is Two

   My baby turned two this week. He is such a precious little guy. Totally full of fire and yet the sweetest most thoughtful baby. We didn't really have an official party with games or anything....well lets just say I didn't plan a party at all but somehow one came together through the efforts of others, and I was grateful and he was amazed. Here are some pictures of my little man.

This is him a couple weeks before his birthday and before his first hair cut. He has strawberry blonde hair like some of my family does.

  On his second birthday he woke up the usual grumpy way and needed to nurse. Then he had his breakfast and grandma and grandpa came over. They are some of his favorite people. They brought him presents and his little heart was so full of joy!

  This little guy joins the ranks of many two year old's in this day and age who have a deep affection in their hearts for a TV show called Paw Patrol or 'Gut Go' has our baby calls it. He begs to watch it as soon as he wakes up in the morning and when he is watching it he is veeeeery happy. So his Paw Patrol presents were a BIG hit.

  Like I said I hadn't planned a party but my sister made chocolate cup cakes and my eleven year old got inspired and being the creative girly that she is she transformed those cupcakes into something that dazzled everyone :)

This is his namesake and it is surprising how similar these two are in all ways good.

                                I get this look often when I am not doing what he tells me to do.

                                       Our friends arrived so more presents were opened.

                                           The icing and decorating was a constant all morning.

                                                              She out did her self!!

 
                                                  Oh he is so happy and so are we all.

  He LOVED getting sang to and when he saw these pictures he started softly singing...'birthday to you'... so he remembered the moment clearly!

                                                Mmmmm 'CAKE' as he calls it.

He is his happiest with his strawberry short cake bike helmet on, his 'sheenes' as he calls machines, and covered in dirt.

  It was a special day filled with many perfect moments. He is perfect for our family and a wonderful gift and I am looking forward to this next year with him. May you be healthy and grow strong in love my son. xo

A Personal Vendetta

The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive ~ Waking the Dead
by John Eldredge

'For you made us only a little lower than God and you crowned us with glory and honor.' Psalm 8:5

'I daresay we've heard a bit about original sin, but not nearly enough about original glory, which comes before sin and is deeper to our nature. We were crowned with glory and honor. Why does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave?  Because we remember, if only faintly, that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt there could be a glory to your life is because that glory has been the object of a long and brutal war.  For lurking in the garden was an enemy. This mighty angel had once been glorious as well, the captain of the Lord's hosts, beautiful and powerful beyond compare. But he rebelled against his Creator, led a great battle against the forces of heaven, and was cast down. Banished from his heavenly home, but no destroyed, he waited for his opportunity to take revenge.Unable to overthrow the Mighty One, he turned his sights on those who bore his image. He lied to us about where true life was to be found, and we believed him. We fell, and 'our glory faded,' as Milton said, 'faded so soon.'

I have just started reading this book and this part got my hackles up because it is so true.
We often focus on sin sin sin (how we are failing and how we can never quite live up to our full potential) and guilt guilt guilt and we dont even recognize that we are and were crowned with glory and honor. What does that even mean as in how does it feel? Really? I just don't even know. However I want to find out what it means in relation to me and my place here.

I also wanted to highlight the very obvious war that takes place every day in the here and now for our existence. Evil is felt by all. We cannot deny it is in the world. We also cannot deny that there is good. Where is that source? Everyone has their own thoughts and beliefs around that if they care to take a moment and allow themselves to dwell on it.

I often want to scream (and actually do) in frustration at all the years the great evil stole from me, my family of origin, my marriage, my husband's family of origin and the list goes on.... The sin and the evil go back and back and back generations and the pride and lies that have consumed have opened doors for all sorts of blindness and lives lived without much joy or purpose. A lot of us feel like we just exist and we are constantly fighting against this unseen current. There is a realm we cannot often see with our physical eyes but it is there and it affects us all the time.

Our society would rather pretend that the spiritual realm is fallacy and does not exist or that it is ridiculous and silly to try to talk about it to others. Other cultures are much more aware and have much more respect for this realm. In our culture people feel uncomfortable and maybe they think you are a bit coo coo and maybe that is how I sound to you right now. I don't give a rats ass! I really don't. So much of my life has been directly affected by this evil. By forces I could not see and had no clue how to fight against. They ruled my family and they ruled me. I felt tired, dark, overwhelmed, anxious, abandoned, afraid, unwell, and the list continues. I grew up being taught, 'where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom' and I didn't feel free at all. I did believe in God and I did read the Bible but it didn't do all that much in the areas I needed freedom in. That led me to feeling hopeless, bitter, and never good enough!

I feel like now I have been given new eyes.

I am not always 'looking' for the evil okay I don't have this antenna always up just waiting to pounce :) However I am sick of how so many people that I know are under attack and suffering horribly. I really don't think life has to be such a massive uphill struggle all the time. I know that physical ailments are one thing that is for sure, but the mental bondage we can be in and the attacks we can be under 24/7 can be stopped and why shouldn't they be? Is your life one disaster or emergency after another? If you knew someone evil was attacking someone you loved, someone vulnerable, and doing horrible things to them, would you do something? Would you call the police, step in, do SOMETHING to fight?

 Evil has no bounds. We all know that. It will stoop as low as low can go. It will stop at nothing, nothing. There is no limits and the hate is the deepest darkest hate imaginable and it is leveled at you, it is leveled at me and it will do its best to make our life as hellish as possible.
If you don't believe that ~ fair enough ~ but I do and I am sick of it.

I want to start taking a stand.

For the ones I love.

I just want you to know that it isn't you all the time. It isn't always your fault. There is a specific assignment to make your life hell and you can start to do battle against that. You can start to break off those chains and start to walk with that glory and honor we were created with and for. This might sound nasty but if your life is pretty perfect you must not be much of a threat....just sayin....I'd rather be a threat I think because it means what I am doing has some sort of worth that goes deep.

However, I want to feel that way. I want to feel like I am worthy and crowned and beautiful. I am sick of feeling like I am less than and rejectable.

So I fight. I fight for myself, for my children, for my siblings, for my parents, for my friends and I take a stand. I am not very tall and I haven't been in a physical fight since I was a kid fighting a sibling for something I probably thought was a very big deal, but I hope that in the realm I can't see I will be seen as some sort of opponent.  I care about people's hearts and how they live. I care that they are happy and that they feel their preciousness.

I could go on but you get the point. I am angry at evil, at the lies and the abuse, and I care about ushering in good. The battle is real and it is intense and it is relentless and there is victory to be had. We have the authority through Jesus.

!! xo

August Happenings

   Have you been wondering what I've been up to lately? If you have...well I have been up to all sorts of things. I am getting up in the mornings a couple times a week and working out...at 7am mind you. That means that I am getting up and actually OUT of bed at 6:30 and I LOVE it.Why? Because I was so low in energy I wanted to die and I HAD to make a change. My energy is up and I feel like I am accomplishing something absolutely mind shattering getting up that early and that is all I will say about that.
  Then we have had some company. That is rare because our house is not that large and I am not the best most calm hostess. However we had a family of six and then a friend from highschool and her baby come in the last month and it was lovely. Our children loved it and it felt so normal to have friends come over! I think we felt like we have finally gotten over some hard lonely time in our lives and that slowly our hearts are healing enough to just have people over...hard to explain but it was happy. We are going to have more guests at the end of the month and this is a record for us! It is so wonderful.
  I have been mothering pretty much 24/7. Yesterday I pulled out all the contents of my pantry closet (becaues my pantry is a hall closet) and WHY did I do that? Well the baby has been taking off his diaper (just pulling it right off pants and all) and he peed in there unbeknownst to me. So I had to wipe walls and wash the carpet. What else did I do? I had a melt down over the state of my house and asked my husband to take all the children out for a couple hours so I could at least get to a point where I could see my kitchen counters. He complied and I felt much calmer afterwards. I started a massive pot of beef bone broth yesterday and made yogurt. I also dealt with an abandoned poopy diaper and a baby running free...that was precious let me tell you. This is my life every day and although I often feel like my brain can't keep up with it all and I am overwhelmed I am also so thankful, so so thankful. I hope your summer is going well. Each day has its ups and downs right? Some days it is all too much and those are the days you can throw in the towel...like into the laundry, but also you can just stop. Just take a day to rest and eat ice cream or whatever it is you need to do to stop. There is another day comin tomorrow dont you worry!
Love ya
xo


Here is the family that came to visit. We have known them now for about fourteen years but hadn't seen them in over two years so it was special to catch up. They were headed to a wedding.

 And here is my friend's little girl. She is ADORABLE and so full of personality. She loves her mama so much and it was precious to see.

I was curious to see how my baby was to one closer to his age but he was sweet and kind which was a relief!

Going To Find Himself

  My husband was going to go to Jamaica this year for a couple weeks or nine days at least. In the end it just didn't pan out. It was disappointing for him but not necessarily for me to be honest. However he decided he still needed a little get away. There is some transition happening in his life and he wanted some time to be alone and clear his head and pray and just refresh. This morning he headed out. He is going on a hike alone sleeping in the wilderness and climbing to the top of a mountain. He has a gun, a knife, a whistle, a phone and multiple other safety precautions but I still felt sick all day two days before he left thinking of the what ifs. My husband is strong and for heavens sakes he spent four days in the wilds of Namibia in Africa alone with a knife and not much else. He encountered a whole 'tribe' of baboons and a wild boar and lived to tell the tale so I am pretty sure he will be fine but still.... this morning we all got up and drove him to the head of the trail but I made sure to take some picture of him and the children this morning just in case...

                                                                    Here they are :)

Just in case you are wondering there are some children who are really into posing certain ways for pictures...

   Many thanks to Emily our friend and neighbor who made this trip possible with her gear and to Jarrett who bought him this back pack years and years ago for Africa. Thanks to Rene who gave him the belt for the bullets and for all the advice and care from everyone who offered it.
  We walked him up the trail a ways as the baby was determined to 'hike' and since he is just learning to talk he pretty much gives orders and we all do what we are told. Then we left him standing with all his gear ~ a magnificent mountain behind covered in mist. We ran back to the car and just before I got in I yelled 'goodbye' at the top of my lungs and I heard faintly far away....'bye love' and I got misty eyed. Home we drove. 
It has been a good day so far. I have done a lot of driving people around. My oldest went to learn how to make blueberry jam and can it. My sister went cleaning and then my two daughters went to a pool party. During a break from the driving we got on bikes and went to the school down the road and played cops and robbers on our bikes. The baby rode behind me on a little seat attached to my bike. When we got back I had to take some pictures and I'll share some with you because I think they are so cute!

While the two middles were having the time of their lives getting soaked the baby was in a world of his own filled with dirt, 'sheens' (machines) and a swing. He is wearing the bike helmet my oldest wore ten years ago and it makes his heart very happy. Everyone was so happy!!

                                                 A dusty dirty garden bean? Why not...

                                      Reality starts setting in...this actually IS NOT that delicious.

                                                            And that was the end of that.

Be safe out there honey we'll keep the home lanterns burning. Come back safe okay. Come back safe. xo

Her First REAL Hair Cut

I finally cut her hair. She is almost six. We had a moment last year where she crawled under her brother's bed with a bar of chocolate and a pair of scissors and gave herself a pretty impressive mullet. I wasn't home and her dad never noticed but when I GOT home and looked at her funny her face fell and then she shrugged her shoulders and gave me a look like....'get over it lady it is just hair!' I then gave it a good trim but I didn't really count it has her first hair cut because I didn't WANT to cut it but the patchy mullet needed something! So we trimmed it. Well this time we chopped it. It was impressive and it was quick and it was what she wanted. Here she is in all her glory and in case you are wondering, no she rarely wears a shirt and yes she wishes she was boy more often then she is glad she is a girl, and yes I love er! Her hair is this mix of curly and straight and it is blonde, brown and a bit of the strawberry blonde.

                                                       After the cut this was the result.

So no more curls and not much blonde and with her baby teeth starting to go she is officially growing up. After I cut her hair though she wanted me to paint her nails AND she put on a dress so I think even though she so badly wanted a boy hair cut she felt girly and pretty :) What a sweet heart!

Rejection's Ugly Countenance

  We all feel rejected at some point in life I think. For some of us that feeling of rejection is a lingering nightmare that shrouds us and we are constantly trying to get free. Often we feel like there is a sign over our heads that say, 'I have been rejected and I am easy to reject therefore you don't have to respect me.' How in the world do we get rid of that sign and shrug off the shroud?

  First of all let me just say that yes you may have been rejected but that does not mean that for the rest of your life you need to be the rejected one. It sure may feel that way though and it seems to be the theme for some individuals. I have struggled with that a lot. I still do. However I have seen that over time it doesn't necessarily have to do with other people and their rejection of me...it has to do with how I handle the rejection and where I go from there. I am not sure if I can articulate this well ~ but there have been so many times I felt unimportant, expendable, easy to just put aside until I am needed.

  I am though! I am! I am not saying you do this, or anyone else for that matter, but I create an environment within my world where people know that if they want to just not talk to me for a while, or basically do whatever they want with our relationship I will still be here when they waltz back. I will be open armed in a sense, but a bit more guarded in my heart, but whatever is needed I will be here.... and I am getting mighty sick of it!!
It is nice for everyone else I think, I mean I am not them so I don't know, however for me it sucks.

  I want to have friendships in my life that are equal to a greater degree. I am a giver in general and not everyone lives life like this. Everyone has their strengths. However there are balances in relationships, give and take, and when that happens beauty is created!
Self respect is key here and knowing how to communicate and having the bravery to communicate.

Deep down people long to need to respect others. There is a dignity and grace that goes hand and hand with real respect.

  Lately I have been taking a step back and looking at myself. I have been trying to prune branches so I can grow again. I want to grow straighter and stronger, graceful and giving. I don't want to be withered, hunched, wizen and old. I want to be light. So in that the rejection branches needs to be evaluated and pruned.

Yes I have been rejected many times but that does not have to be my identity. I have been in unequal relationships many times but I don't have to follow those patterns any more.

So we'll see how that goes.

Sometimes change doesn't have the prettiest face but I choose that over rejection's any day.

xo