A heart so tender
Easily bruised
An upwelling of emotion
Like a wave that takes you away
Your breath, a fire in your body
Eyes blazing
Fight
Protect
Roar
But its only picking up lego
Or that you are hungry
And one day
I hope
You can feel it full
Breathe it out
And know safety
Peace that passes understanding
And the wave can subside into glass
Calm still waters
Cooling, gentle,
Healing
I have been in counselling with the same counsellor for seven years. I meet with her once a month online as she moved far far away a few years ago. I have hashed out the same issues over and over again. She is infinitely patient and kind. I couldn't do her job or manage me as a client but she is gracious and long suffering and she has blessed me so deeply. Something that I have talked about over and over again is this concept of taking up space. I don't put it in those words but in the end that is what it comes down to.
As human beings we take up space in the world by existing. However some people take up a lot of space. Just by being themselves they take up a lot of space. What do I mean by that? I can think of someone I know who speaks loudly, walks with confidence, is exuberant in their communication, and when they are in the room everyone knows. In their world they take up a decent amount of space. I can think of other people that I know who take up a very tiny amount of space. Their world is small and the people they have around them push them down smaller in many ways shapes and forms.
I think as we grow up we are clearly told how much space we can take up. I didn't understand this concept when my older children were younger. I tried to make their spaces small so I could take up more space. It was wrong and immature and I had no idea I was doing that. My children are all very strong willed and some more so than others. They do what they need to do to take up space but there are a few who are quieter and who have faded more.
Each person has this unique way of viewing their world and perceiving it as well, and some people give in and fade and others fight. They may fight loudly and stridently or they may be passive aggressive and quiet. Some people take up space with their joy and sunniness and others with their anxiety and anger. I say all this in such simple terms. I am sure there are much more eloquent ways.
I was wondering though how other people view their childhoods in that way?
Were you aloud to take up space? Did you feel seen and cared for and heard?
When you view your childhood through an adult lense with some emotional maturity sprinkled into the mix do you think you were heard and seen more than you felt? Or maybe even less than you realized. How has that affected the life you have chosen to live?
When I went away last Summer I went somewhere I had never been and visited people I didn't know very well. I had strict diet limitations that were bothersome but important. My hosts bent over backwards to accommodate me and they often ate the way I did as well. The whole trip was really focussed around my entertainment and showing me the country. I took up a lot of space during that trip. I noticed my reactions to this were quite extreme. My body and soul and spirit felt so out of place and almost flailing. I am so used to taking up a very small amount of space. It's choices I have made and a life I have created that does this. I can't really blame anyone else but myself. I keep thinking back to it though ~ the feeling of just being thought of, considered, put first and how quickly I felt more calm and happy. There were other factors in there as well that added to these feelings. However, what a gift to give to someone ~ allowing them to take up space!
My sister has also done this so kindly for me time out of mind. When she found out I could not have gluten she dove into gluten free baking and cooking for a while and it blessed me so much. She allowed me to take up space.
I wanted to say that having curiosity and compassion for yourself around this can be helpful. How much space were you aloud to take up? How much do you take up now? In what ways DO you take up space? For some people they literally make themselves bigger so they can physically take up space. For others they become loud and strident so people can hear them. For others they rule by sickness or disorders, and for others it can be how they dress or express themselves. Everyone takes up space somehow and it matters how.
You matter ~ you know? You always have.
You matter ~ may you take up the space you need to ~
I've been thinking lately about the people out there who don't believe in God. I think that deep down everyone knows there is a God though they may not call Him that. Why do I think this? Each people group have something they worship, and every human being has something inside them that longs to connect as deeply as possible.
These are just my thoughts and I know many people would not agree in the slightest.
I have been raised by people who chose to follow God in their mid twenties. They went through a lot of pain and trauma before this and coming to God felt like a relief and like a new chance. Their trauma and the effects of that made living challenging and thriving not possible. However, my parent's in all their imperfections and abuse still showed me that following God held value. To me following God has not much at all to do with a church and the people in it. I have a long interesting relationship with church as I was such an observer as a child and noticed the inconsistencies and seemingly opposite practices in the church I grew up in to what the Bible seemed to preach that Christians should be. I had light bulb moments about the difference between the creator and the created from a young age. I was raised with adults in my life who were strongly adverse to God and refused to believe and follow. I listened to their arguments and looked at the fruit of their life and relationships and simply decided that was not for me. I chose that whatever may come my way I would believe that God was there AND that He cared for me on some level. These beliefs started out sweet and innocent and were challenged many times. I've learned that the church is full of human beings and the way church is run has a strong foundation on men wanting to be gods themselves and doing what it takes to achieve this status. This has nothing to do with Jesus. My whole life has shown that following God does not mean things will be sweet and easy or normal or healthy. I have had to work through disillusion and bitterness and grief. Today I am firmly rooted in what I know to be true ~ God is love ~ and love is complicated. God is the creator ~ He can do what He wants. God is both male and female. God is the ultimate artist. Creation is created for humans to be nourished by. We are masterpieces given free will. We can choose! I also keep things simple. I am not interested in debate. Debating and arguing is not something that feeds my soul. I believe in God and I believe in the Bible.
I read some poems by Mary Oliver lately that have struck me in their simplicity.
I Wake Close To Morning
Why do people keep asking to see
God's identity papers
when the darkness opening into morning
is more than enough?
Certainly any god might turn away in disgust.
Think of Sheba approaching
the kingdom of Solomon.
Do you think she had to ask,
'Is this the place?'
by Mary Oliver
This is how my brain works in regards to God. I wake up and look at the sunrise and see my flower garden in the Spring and watch the Ocean at work and see my body birth a baby and I don't feel the need to fight the obvious. This is why this poem struck me so much.
Here is one more ~
The World I Live In
I have refused to live
locked in the orderly house of
reasons and proofs.
The world I live in and believe in
is wider than that. And anyway,
what's wrong with Maybe?
You wouldn't believe what once or twice I have seen. I'll just
tell you this:
only if there are angels in your head will you
ever, possibly, see one.
by Mary Oliver
So this is it. I have angels in my head and I have seen one or two. I have wrestled with darkness and evil and won. I am thankful for Jesus and His love and grace. I am thankful for forgiveness and for the joy that going out and standing barefoot in the grass and saying thank you brings.
xo
Mother's Day is such a tender beautiful day. A day to celebrate and hold dear and cherish your mother. I mean, it's supposed to be that. However Mother's Day (as is any holiday really) can be so brutal. I remember one Mother's Day when my daughter was, in a way, estranged from our family. I felt gutted all day. I so wanted her to call me or stop by and she just couldn't. She did end up sending me a song that she sang for me and I cried so many tears of gratitude. However I also just felt this sense of emptiness. My child that I loved so dearly was out there, away, and not able to manage connection.
I have had mother's days where I have worked so hard to do something special for my mother. I wanted to somehow fill a void or help her maybe feel like motherhood was a happy thing or I don't even know. I just wanted her to feel positive. I wanted it to be a good day. It did not feel easy. It felt weighted.
Mother's Day can be so filled with pain and sorrow and heartache. I think that what I have learned now is that I can look for what there is to be celebrated. There might be a swirling mess in the motherhood situations in life but there are things to be celebrated.
Right now my mother has chosen to live in a locked facility rather than out in the free world. She has chosen to live there alone away from all family. It is so hard to fathom as a mother myself. This Mother's Day I wrote her a letter thanking her for all that she had given me as gifts as a child. The list was long. Through the day I had listened to a classical cassette tape of the composer Wagner's music that was from my childhood homeschooling days. I had listened to a CD by Natalie MacMaster. I had read poetry and had looked out at the Spring beauty marvelling at the first Roses blooming. All of these things were directly because of my mother. I have a closet full of pretty cotton dresses because my mother loved those and so did my grandmother and that influenced me. I have tiny little treasures all over my house because my mother loved them and had that as well. Nature nourishes me because my mother imparted the beauty of that to me. Although I could not find a card that felt appropriate for this Mother's Day I could write a letter and I did.
This Mother's Day every single child of mine lives IN my house. Tonight the baby fell asleep early for one of the first times since her birth and my other two younger children also fell asleep earlier than usual. My husband always goes to bed before anyone is asleep, but I was able to spend time with my teenage daughter and son and then my adult daughter and her husband popped upstairs to laugh about something as well, and my heart felt so full of thankfulness. This is one of the best times of my life right now. Last year felt like one of the hardest seasons. I was heartbroken and exhausted and just going through the motions. It is a good reminder that a lot can change and seasons are seasons. They can be so long and so life draining but they shift and change and so do we.
This Mother's Day I want to remember that I feel really tired still. I have a one year old baby who just yesterday managed to climb onto our roof through our railing on our balcony and who's life was narrowly saved by my son in law who scaled walls like Spiderman to save her life. I have a six year old who is the sweetest child ever. I have a ten year old who is already becoming a young man and who still snuggles in for hugs and who I adore. I have a fourteen year old who is so sweet and so funny and so cute and so grumpy and frustrating. I have an eighteen year old who has put me through the wringer but who is graduating and who is doing his absolute best to keep on keeping on even though it is so hard. I have a twenty year old who has a baby boy and who is doing such a wonderful job being an amazing mommy. I have a son in law who works hard, and who is a happy dad, and who loves his family. I am blessed among woman. I have worked so hard for this.
I wanted to encourage you this Mother's Day to do what you need to do
This might mean that you don't acknowledge your mother with a card or gift. Or maybe you might call her or send her a card but you might find it hard to find a card that seems appropriate because she has hurt you so deeply. Maybe your children are hurting you so badly that you regret ever becoming a mother. Maybe you've always wanted to be a mother and that has not happened and you feel so weighed down with despair you can barely breathe. My journey to motherhood started on a pretty desperate horrible note. I had some really brutal Mother's Days. I would be just devastated with despair and longing. There is no pat answer, no easy way through. However you are stronger than you think. You know how I know this ~ woman just are strong. They go through so much on a daily basis just to be in this world. You are strong and you matter, and so, you need to do what you need to do. Look at your heart and your soul and see what it needs and go from there.
Our mother's have shaped us, blessed us, hurt us, but they brought us here. They are a part of us. We are a part of them.
You are worthy, you are lovely, you are special, you are precious. You deserved to be mothered well and you deserved to be loved.
These are my rambling thoughts as this weekend begins and Mother's Day is something that sits like a weight we can't bear or we look so forward to.
God bless us all ~
xo
I walked amongst a garden
And listened as he lamented
The years he didn't see the beauty
The years she grew flowers
He thought were a waste
He never took the time
To really see her
To walk amongst her flowers
And enjoy
And now she was gone
It was too late
And every week we walked
In glory
In color and scent and delight
And he softened
As one does in a garden
And grew closer to heaven
To one day enter in
Open windows
Delicately lashed
When you are sad
You wail
Mouth wide open
A free lament
You love your hair wild
And your heart
Flutters and sometimes roars
You are dainty and sweet
Oh so eloquent
You twirl and make your sister giggle
You sparkle in a tiara and clomp in cowgirl boots
You were so proud
Snuggling baby Andy in the wrap
You draw so confidently
You sing
You sing
You sing
We are all blessed to know you
Rose
When you open your eyes each morning ~ what are your first thoughts? How does your body feel? I can guarantee if you can get outside with your feet in the grass first thing in the morning, if you can hear birds singing and see the blue sky, or maybe feel droplets of rain hitting your face ~ something in your whole being will shift towards joy. If you can move your body in any way, arm uplifted, or feet moving a bit, or maybe you can jump and sway ~ releasing energy through your body ~ if you can drink a large cup of clean water ~
I feel like this is the way we were created to begin a day.
I often begin my days with overwhelm. It is ridiculous because of what I am overwhelmed about. I am an adult ~ a middle aged woman ~ and I begin my day overwhelmed by what everyone needs me to do for them. It starts with the baby screaming at me to nurse her, and then goes into getting everyone breakfast, the laundry and dishes going, and trying to get everyone ready for the day. I start overstimulated.
I noticed that on Tuesdays (our garbage day) I often have to go outside to finish putting the garbage out. This is a job I would like my husband to accomplish but he rarely completes the whole job. I have noticed that those short moments of 'escaping' outside and lugging garbage and recycling to the road I can breathe more easily and I feel a lifting of the anxiety.
I am aware this is a no brainer! However, in my daily anxiety getting outside does not happen often. The other day I ran outside to empty a bin and I was having such a hard morning. My anxiety was worse than usual. I noticed that some flowers were jewelled by the nights rain and then in looking more closely I was absolutely enchanted. I got my camera and did my best to capture my moment of wonder. I observed some snails moving slowly about and the tiniest blades of grass so intricately decorated with teeny tiny droplets. It was magical.
And so, if you can, in the mornings, let the light fill your eyes, touch your bare feet to the wet cool grass, let bird song bless you if birds are about and may you feel peace that passes all understanding guard your heart and mind and may nature bring you a stillness of soul that we all deeply need.
Preaching this to myself
xo
