Baby Rose

Our sweet baby is growing ever so quickly. She brings a lot of light to our family. I am trying not to take forgranted a second of this precious first year. Her siblings love her and everyone works together to keep her smiling and cooing.

Cultus Lake Flower Fest

I have not been taking many pictures this Summer. I have a lot going on :) My camera has gathered more dust this Summer than it ever has. However today it got brought along to a magical place that one man and his little family have loved and labored over. It brought light to my soul.

This man decided to plant three and a half acres of Wildflowers, Sunflowers, and Dahlias by hand and then open it up to the public to feast their eyes on. The cost was $15.00 for a vehicle full of people. The bees buzzed by the hundreds, the children ran and ran through the pathways filled with beauty, and I am so thankful that my cousin invited me to come.

Focus

  Breathe in, let it out. Focus on the color blue, think of the vast expanse of sky, and look around you for a moment. Take in the goodness that is everywhere you look, at all the gifts you have been given. Think of your children and focus on the miracle that each one is. Focus on the fact that you have them for today, for this moment, and this moment is enough and wonderful. Focus on the fact that you are a giver and that is a strength, focus on the fact that you are full of love and let some of the guilt ebb away like a tide, further and further out. Focus on warm memories that bring a smile to your soul, focus on the scent of the freshly cut grass and the comfort that scent brings. Focus on the warmth of the day and beauty of the Roses outside your window and the leaves on the trees. Focus on the fact through it all you are always loved and never alone.
Focus

This Final Trimester

   My baby is already over four months old. Time is flying by much too quickly and I have mixed feelings about it all. Just today she was in a little jolly jumper squealing for joy, bouncing around, and it was hard to fathom she was old enough for this stage.

   I have been journeying through the last stage of pregnancy...which is the recovery after baby is born. It is really quite challenging honestly. Hormones are intense almost always, with emotions all over the place. I have not had postpartum depression in any real depth which is such a blessing, but postpartum anxiety has been intense! It makes me want to shed my skin and run screaming anywhere but where I am. My hair has been falling out in literal handfuls for weeks and I have bald spots on my head. Some days I am so tired I can barely function and other days I have a lot of energy but my hips and back and feet are in so much pain or my arm feels partially dislocated. None of this is for the faint of heart. Other mommas out there get it to some degree, but children and husbands not so much. My husband had a sit down talk with me using words like 'crazy' and 'emotional'....'thanks hon, that was so helpful!' It was fun to try to stand up for myself after that talk (not really).

   I wanted to say...' Now you take the baby and breast feed for hours on end, recover from labor, and rarely sleep and we will see how you fare shall we? Then I will have a little sit down chat with YOU.'

    In all this I am very conscious about my weight and how heavy I feel and how guilty I feel about gaining so much weight. No matter what I tell myself...all of it truth...I just still can't shake that awful feeling that how I look is wrong.

All of this to say...this last bit of pregnancy is a challenge.

   Then there is the other side of it all. I have this healthy, smiling, precious child that has brought so much joy to our family. She has the sweetest dimple, she is so chubby and every little thing she does fills us with wonder. We can't ever imagine when we didn't have her. This is the miracle of a new baby in a family...their presence fills a void that we didn't really recognize was there. We are so thankful for her sweet shining eyes and the snuggles she so gladly gives.

   So with everything I am going through trying to get through this stage...even in my anxiety and sleep deprived hazes and extra emotions; I am so thankful. What a journey to hold this little one in my arms. It was so intense.

   May the rest of your July be lovely. If you are recovering from a birth and are finding it challenging...all my love to you! You are amazing
Love Tansy

To The Valiant (Struggling) Mother

  Ever since having children I have been on this uphill climb towards a healthy family dynamic. I think this holds different meaning for everyone. To me it means a family that feels loved and safe and connected. It means a family that is giving, welcoming to others, kind and caring. It means a family that can have fun together and that has meaningful connections with others as well. Little did I know as we brought home the crib and highchair and other things for our toddler as she moved in with us, just how not ready I was, and how hard this all was going to be.

  I try so so hard to be all I need to be for all these little humans. Sometimes I achieve these moments of glory where I feel I have reached some sort of height I was trying to get to. Things feel more okay and there is less anxiety and nervous energy and fighting. Everyone can just eat dinner without drama, we can get out the door without all the angst that usually accompanies that concept, we can go to a big store and no one has a break down and I feel so great! These are small examples.

  This is the thing ~ life is always shifting and changing. There are moments of glory, yes. However children change and grow, their challenges and needs change. You might have conquered one battle and won, but another one is going to crop up and you might lose some. It may leave you reeling and wondering if you learned anything at all. Maybe you feel like actually its all been a cruel joke on you and you never got anywhere. All those moments of glory and accomplishments were for nothing as things seem so hard now.

  I think it is tempting to feel that way, but stepping back from the situation for a moment and looking back...its all been for something and so much growth and maturity has happened. When you are tempted to tear yourself apart, or someone else does for that matter, write down your truth or tell them it! You might not feel it at the moment and your house might be pure chaos...but it just means needs have shifted and dynamics have changed. You have weathered plenty a storm in the past and gotten through. Getting through often is not a pretty process. So when you are wallowing in despair and it seems the world has shifted upside down and you can't find your way to the surface....

  I guess just know I get it. I have gone through this so many times and it is never easier. However there is a lot of power in just going forward and claiming your truth. If you can fit moments of outside time in nature or some forms of self care it is going to help even if does not feel like it.

  Having moments of conversation with safe people who understand your heart and know your past struggles and victories can be encouraging. Remember you are good enough and there is no need for perfection okay. Remember that you are just human. Don't compare to anyone, and know that anyone who does not live with you is not going to really understand the situations so their criticism or words that may seem so devastating really should not hold merit.

I preach this to myself of course. I just need to remember this.

So onward Christian Soldier :) Onwards Valiant Mother

You are all you  need to be.
 Sending you love,
Tansy

Or do look back... but know that you are only going forward no matter how hard this all feels right now!

Thankfulness Running Deeper Than Anxiety

 June is merrily wending its way through time and for many mothers of school age children it is the month where your feel like you are running flat out. Anxiety is often high and everyone is burnt out from the school year. In my country there is a two month Summer break starting very soon and at the end of the school year there is so much going on as the year is ending. There are graduations, celebrations, school outings, parties, performances, exams, projects due and more. By the end of it everyone is emotionally and physically exhausted and honestly it isn't the best start to a Summer.

I admit this year I am beyond burnt out. There has been so many health issues in my family including myself, there is a new baby to nurture and care for, a needy four year old who is not the baby anymore and is saddened by that fact, so much school to finish, there has been a lot of fighting among my children, a lot of anxiety, and I am sleep deprived and dealing with our house needing a lot of repairs, mice, fleas and ants infestations! Each day seems to bring some sort of new health issue or other issue for me to try to problem solve and deal with. I have been taking so many children to so many appointments it is crazy.

My mind starts to whirl. I start to feel like I can't take another moment. I am dizzy and exhausted and overwhelmed.

Today was an especially trying day at times. One of my middle children had a very bad fall, twice! and hurt the same parts of her back. She has open wounds, and as I was trying to take off the bandages today she fainted from pain. It was so overwhelming for me. There were many other things I was dealing with and through it all nursing and nursing a growing baby, trying to help my mouth heal from a pulled tooth, and more.

Then my husband came home and shared a story about a co worker he has recently been driving to and from work. This man has been rescued from Africa after spending ten years in jail, four of them in a solitary cell, in the dark every single day in a very hot climate, being given one small bun and a cup of cold tea a day...for four years. Why was he in jail? He was a pastor and shared his beliefs. He is safe here now along with his family but one of his children was too ill to escape at that time and is still not with him.

It helps in moments like this to stop, breathe deep, and let thankfulness seep through your pores

Thank God I am free
Thank God I can worship
Thank God for the sunshine
For happy giggles
For medical care
For beauty
For miracles
For the every day life I have

Yes there are trials here and pain and hardship but there is so much good.
Thank you for the reminders

What I Would Love

Sometimes I dream of the perfect scenario for a person who has gone through trauma and is suffering to receive healing and if I could provide that scenario for someone what it would look like.

I think for every person it would look a little different but a lot would be similar.

First of all I would send you somewhere in the world that is overwhelmingly beautiful and it would be by an Ocean. There would be a flower garden full of bees and birds and a trickling brook. There would be herbs and vegetables growing and trails through trees. Every day I would prescribe time to sit in the shade or warm sun depending on your preference ~ surrounded by the beauty of the garden. You would have a drink beside you and a journal, maybe hot tea or hot chocolate on the cooler days and some delicious hydrating drink on the hot days. There would be no cell phones or social media here here, no jarring interruptions...just the opportunity for nature to minister to your soul.You might hate it at first. With no distractions your body would start to want to process everything. It would not be easy but it would be good.

I would prescribe an hour walk at least every day through forest trails and country side. Your body could physically process and work through so much as you walked. I would have a friendly happy dog to accompany you and make sure your travels included sights of horses and cows and sheep happily grazing.

After your garden time and walk I would send you for tea time by the Ocean so the expanse and the waves could help your body focus and center.

Each day you would have time with a therapist to help you sort through what is truth and what your body wants to deal with and let go of. You would be fed only nourishing and enriching food. You also would have had time with a Naturopath doctor who could tell you what your body really needed and give you options of supplements to take and foods to avoid.

You would have your teeth worked on so that your body could have every chance at optimal health, and chiropractic adjustments if you wanted to.

You would have a massage every second day and sauna time. You would have time for art therapy, stretching, dance expression, and other forms of exercise.

You would learn so much about your strengths and gifts, about your own personal beauty, about your soul, about your worth, about the lies that have been spoken over you and about how truth sets you free. You would have a lot of choice as to where you decide you want life to take you from this point on. You could learn about boundaries, and about what big emotions and your anger and fear are telling you constantly, you could learn about co dependence and how it has hurt you. You could learn about what trauma does to your body, soul, and spirit. You could really come into your own. Your eyes could start to shine again. You could lift up your head.

You would have beautiful music played over you and much love and warmth extended to you every single day...

Slowly but surely you could start to open up and blossom. All the lies and pain and sadness that had stifled your soul and hurt your mind so incredibly much, could slowly start to ease away like the ocean tides going out...there would not be pressure or a time limit on this...there would be unlimited gentleness, love and patience.

Through it all your Heavenly Father would be sweetly singing over you, extending beauty towards you, telling you all that He loves about you, and giving you every chance if you would take it. His hand would be extended towards you ~

As it is now
And always is
And always has been

Love Tansy
xo