A long line of shattered dreams

Hands holding broken hearts

Fathers who were war torn souls

Generations of rejection

Here we are.

Our strong spirited mothers

So much creativity

Stopped at fingertips

Or trickling in such stilted intervals

They waited till they were old

To fly away

To happier places

Escaping their perception of failures

But here WE are.

Wanting to break free

Getting up over and over again

Awakening dimmed eyes

Lighting soul fires to

Mightily burn

You and I ~

Often turned away from each other

Towards those shattered lines

Those hands holding broken hearts

Wishing for repair that doesn't seem to come

Weary, worn, plodding sometimes

Yet faces set towards the promise

Sunrise illuminating our courage

Turn to me yet again

I will turn to you

We must go on

Darkness always bows down to light

Rain Has Come

Rain is pouring outside. Water colliding with earth. The sound is soothing and melodious to me. I have missed it. We have had a summer of drought but I far prefer that to constant rain and grey. My children have spent hours in the sunshine of our back yard and I have spent hours inside keeping cool with my air conditioner. Last summer we had fires in our yard all summer in a little fire pit. We had just moved off the farm and the concept of town life just hadn't clicked in I guess. Well at the beginning of spring this year we had a fire to burn some cardboard. One of our neighbors called the fire department and all dreams of another dreamy summer disappeared when the Fire Marshal issued us a warning. Considering the weather and fire bans this summer brought I think that was a very good thing. The rain has come now though. Wild fires that have been burning out of control will die down. The earth can drink and drink and drink. Cities who are in stage three of water restrictions can relax. It's been a bit of a long day here at home today in this rain. Some big things happened and all the little things. We had an almost power outage which sent my sister and I into a tizzy of preparation. It was a good kick in the pants. The laundry got washed, the carpet finally got vacuumed and cookies were made. The wind blew hard but in our area we kept our power. Many were not so fortunate. Children got wet outside in the rain. My sister and I did a massive grocery shop. Children watched movies, danced wildly, cleaned rooms, and fought. The baby is into climbing on the coffee table and trying to jump while up there. He is also into sweeping the floor. He is oh so helpful. He loves to turn the washer off in mid cycle and he obsesses about getting outside. Each day goes by and through it all I grasp moments out of the air that are precious and beautiful. My heart beats hard with the realization that it is going by so quickly. My oldest is almost as tall as me and wasn't it just yesterday she was coming to live with us and her favorite song was Baby Beluga? How do I make time slow, pause; and how do I savor the moments that are golden? By being present. I have been thinking about being present more. I feel distracted and foggy as the hum of activity in this house is only quiet late in the night. Today the rain has blessed me. It has made me long for the tin roof our old house had. It has made me long for the feeling I used to get when I would be outside in the wild wind bringing in animals out of the storm when I was ten. It has reminded me that time is going, going. Time is marching on and its a beautiful thing when you are present and the golden moments are blinding in their glory.

Bella Coola

  We drove out to Bella Coola one day he and I. We had two littles back then and one in the womb. It was summer as we drove. Driving to Bella Coola is an experience all ones own. When you leave Williams Lake and head into the Chilcotin times slows a little, and one could feel transported back in time. As you drive for hours through mountains and experience gravel roads, split rail fences, free range cattle, cowboys checking fences, falling down log cabins with deer eating grass out of walls, beauty floods your soul. If you get stuck our here it may be a while before someone comes by. Then all of a sudden after all these hours of driving you are at the top of something slightly crazy making. To get into Bella Coola there is a hill that you must inch down in your vehicle. It is a mostly one lane hill with a massive drop off on the one side and cliff on the other. It is actually terrifying if you really stop and think about it. Especially if its your first go round. It's a good rush. Once you get there you have Hagensborg, Saloompt and a couple other little places to drive through before you get to the actual town of Bella Coola. You drive past many picturesque properties and the river winds beside you. You see bears in people's front yards and lush forest surrounding you. Mountains tower above you and if you keep driving you end up in the Ocean. When we were going to Bella Coola that summer we noticed the glow of a wild fire up top that seemed far off. We stopped and took some pictures and joked about getting stuck in the valley. We promised each other we'd check the news and make sure that that wouldn't happen. We had good intentions, but, well it did. Eventually we made it out but our vacation was a leeeeetle longer than planned!

Everybody's idea of beauty is different but if you have eyes to see....this is the stuff dreams are made of

We would hear a rumor that we might be let out of the Valley and we'd line up only to be disappointed. Then one day we did get out.

We had to have a police escort up top. We drove past still smoking road sides in some places with helicopters and fire fighters parked on the sides. Animals were in the streets of the small towns we drove through having escaped there from fires.

                The contrast of the valley below with its beautiful bounty to the vast barrenness above.

The first time I visited Bella Coola I was was only a teenager and the people I met and the beauty I experienced impacted me for a life time. I cant seem to find words to describe all that Bella Coola is. You'd have to experience it yourself to understand. It casts a spell on your while you are there and when you leave you realize your heart will always forever have a longing to feel again how you felt there.

Smoke Break and Granola Bars

My sister just caught me outside having a 'smoke break.' First of all I am sorry if this offends you (my smoke break reference). I dont smoke but I just had this moment where it felt like I sort of did. I was sitting on Gloria eating a frozen granola bar. Gloria is my treadmill, and she and my freezer, who I have not named but if I did name I would call Blue because it holds hundreds of pounds of blueberries faithfully every year, is on my covered deck. I keep these granola bars in there and it is my fuel to get through my days. I went to Vancouver island a while back and my sister in law served these to me there. Well that changed my life! I got the recipe and basically keep an endless supply to snack on. The reason it felt like a smoke break was because I felt sort of like I had deeked out on everyone for a minute and was just having a quiet moment and she caught me mid bite. I can't explain WHY I think a smoke break would feel that way but it just did okay. Smoking looks soothing and quiet and that is what these granola bars do for me they make my nerves feel soothed and quieted. Anyway I thought I'd share the recipe here because they are that good. I am no baker and definitely no cook so this wont happen often. However, because these bars have kept me alive these last few months, I thought someone else may need their sustenance as well. ALSO they are incredible for boosting milk supply if you happen to be a nursing mother ~ which I currently am.

I call these ~ Life Sustaining, Milk Enhancing, Energy Producing.... Granola Bars!!!!!

Are you ready for this?
 Oh and I would LOVE to take pictures of my beautiful bake ware illuminated by natural light and chronicle step by step the magical process....but ya...not my reality. My counters are covered in stuff, I don't have natural light in this house and my bake ware is actually awesome but my camera is not.
So no pictures :(

Alright so first you need to turn on your oven to 350 degrees
Then you need these ingredients:

1 Cup of Sunflower seeds
1 Cup of Sesame Seeds
1 Cup of nuts (I actually dont put nuts in but you can)
1/2 Cup of Pumpkin seeds
1/2 Cup of Ground Flax
1 Cup of Rolled Oats
1 Cup of Hemp Hearts (or unsweetened cocoanut)
1 Cup of Chocolate Chips
1 Cup of raisins (or dried cranberries)
1 or 2 Tbsp of Chia seeds (or not ~ its up to you)

Mix all this in a beautiful bowl

In another equally beautiful bowl mix together:

1 cup of peanut butter
3/4 cup of coconut oil
3/4 cup of honey

Then add it all together and mix till combined
Pour this into a 9by13 cake pan and bake for fifteen minutes

When its done let it cool completely ~ cut it into big chunks and wrap individually then freeze.
There you have it :) You can change up this recipe in whatever ways you choose ~ like using almond butter or just peanut butter no coconut oil etc. I  just wrote it the way I make it. I buy my raisins, hemp hearts and coconut oil from Costco and the rest of the ingredients from Superstore.  Then I keep all the ingredients in a bag in the freezer other than the liquids so that its easy to find and dump in the bowl. I have no clue if that helps you out but I thought I'd add that little tid bit.

Hope you like them ~

OUR house is covered in DIAMONDS ~ How bout yours?

An email I wrote in the spring of 2015 to some friends ~ I still think about this little four year old perspective moment and smile. It changed my life and it was just one little sentence.

Hey Girls,
I tried to send an email already but I don't think it worked.
First of all thank you S for phone me this morning and R thanks for phoning me later on.
Today was so rainy and dark and I was so tired. Little four year old sweet pea coughed for hours last night. I sat up holding her and finally she fell asleep on a chair sitting up and I was on the couch. I had asked E for cough meds at about 10:30 and ran across and got some but they didn't kick in for who knows how long. Anyway this morning when I woke up I just wanted to sort of transported somewhere sunny for a while. My children have been sick for a week now and I have left the house to get groceries once and to pick up oldest one from school a couple times and to go to a baby shower where I knew only two people and I stayed for about twenty minutes, but it was super awkward, and I felt like a huge loser, and I had put a lot of stock in going. Also the baby was sick to and I had to bring him. He screamed all the way there and home, and anyway it was not quite the pick me up I had hoped for.
So back to today ~
This is not me putting pressure on you
please understand that
Just a thank you for phoning. Your voices and just the adult conversation really inspired me.
At one point in the day I was lying on my carpet just not able to keep my eyes open and everyone was sort of crying around me. I just thought...wow...
So after the conversations, and some break through with eight year old, who was having a super bad day...I got us all outside for a walk.
It was glorious because we made it so
Sweet Pea filled her boots almost to the top with water and walked most of the time with them like that because she was jumping so vigorously in puddles.
She had a stick and big pine cone in hand was just so happy
Eight Year old walked a bit ahead but when we were together we were talking about all the signs of spring ~
The snow drops everywhere, signs that tulips are coming and crocuses, and noticing the things about people's houses that made them unique and special.
We chatted about house numbers and he could identify them (the first time in his life)
and then we got home
And I sighed and said...'well there is nothing special about this house though'
And I was seeing the drab brown, the chips in the stucco, the rusting railing, and the moss and dead leaves and just all the signs of age and no one really having time to care for this house.
Sweet Pea four year old looked at me in shock.
And said, ' MOM our house is COVERED in DIAMONDS'....like I was insane to think our house was not special!
And it just sort of opened my eyes again
It was great. Then she sat down on the curb and proceeded to pour all the water out of her boots with sparkling eyes

Then we went in and everyone divested themselves of their wet things and they started watching shows and doing their thing but the miracle was that baby who never sleeps went down for a nap
I was able to quickly prepare a bit of a dinner, do my hair and put on lipstick, fold laundry, wash dishes, light a candle and get the dining room and kitchen all clean. So husband walked in ~ exhausted, sick and tired and the house was nice. He was really grateful and we had the best dinner we have had ( as in the kids behaving) in months. All we had was a roasted chicken from Save On and potatoes and green beans but we had the candle in the middle of the table and it was sort of magical and I pulled out the video camera because hubby sat baby boo in the high chair and gave him a mini potato to suck on and he was so happy.
So I videotaped everyone and it was just great

So thanks so much for everything today girls

Sending you lots of love and a great weekend

I love how if we can look at our lives through our children's eyes sometimes...really hear their perspective, sometimes it is like God speaks right through them to us (probably more than we realize). And we will see diamonds instead of old stucco that is missing in most places

Lots of Love
Tansy

Just tucked everyone in and Sweet Pea is coughing up a lung again so off I go

    

Babe You're Not Lost

This song ~ Take a moment to listen to it if you can.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dGao8 

It is the song 'Lost' by Michael Buble.

I wanted to write about feeling lost and alone today. So many times in the past I have felt this way. The first time I heard that song my friend had made me a CD mix (Waaaaay back in the day!) and she put that song on it. I cried so hard. It was exactly how I was feeling about my life at that moment. I wanted someone to tell me, 'We'll get lost together till the light comes pouring through, when you feel like your done and the darkness has won, babe your not lost.' I still cant listen to the song without tearing up remembering how hopeless and alone I felt sometimes. I think everyone goes through feeling like this at some point. Some people feel this most of their lives and some people just have glimpses of it. As a mom I have often felt that in regards to parenting. Just so lost and dark. So many different issues came up that I just did not have the tools to deal with and I needed someone to come alongside me and help me out. Honestly when I look back I see now that it happened. Sometimes I would be alone for a long time and then help would come along in the most random ways. I think it is so important to be honest with yourself. To ask questions about why you are feeling how you are feeling and also figuring out what you really need to get through. Sometimes it is other people who are causing the issues. However you are still you! You are an adult and need to be make decisions that cultivate self care and self preservation. It is so important to do that. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we dont deserve it, or someone else tells us we dont, and we believe them. If we can get to a place of enough self awareness to see through the blackness, to see that tiny spark of light at the end (because it is always there somewhere) we will realize we are not totally lost ~ forever at least. Sometimes we have been lost for a long time. Sometimes we have been gone for a long time and we need to find our way back. However I believe that you can always be found. Sometimes you have been lost since baby hood because of things that happened when you were tiny. You have an adult body but there is lost parts deep inside that need healing. That takes hard work and its not fun. However to find that precious you in there is so vital to living a whole life. When you find you it is so beautiful. It is like finding your wings and you can finally fly after being grounded and seeing everyone else around you fly. 
Another hard thing is watching someone close to you who is lost. Depending on your family of origin you may come from a family full of lost ones. It breaks your heart doesn't it? It is really important to remember that rule that is so important in an airplane...put your oxygen mask on first. So when you find you and get healing you can actually be there for the others who are dark in a much more effective way. I remember a class I went to for parenting. There were two friends there and as much as they were trying to help each other they were constantly sabotaging each other because they were so lost. It was intense to watch. 
Some practical things I have found for myself in the midst of darkness is only focusing on doing one small thing at a time to start to help myself. That can be anything. For me at one point it was going somewhere by myself to let my nerves have some peace just for half an hour on Sundays. It sounds small but it would recharge me. I would cry and pray and go for a quick walk and just try to let light infuse me and I had it to look forward to. It was such a small thing but it was what was feasible at that point in life. 
So I would encourage you ~
Recognize why
Why are things so dark
Is it you?
Is it someone else around you?
If its you ~ well what needs to be done? Do you need counseling, a support group, time to yourself? What do you need?
If its a spouse or a child, parent or friend ~ well once again
What do YOU need to be able to remain whole as you journey with them. One hint ~ it may be as simple as some healthy boundaries!
I guess this song, as silly as it sounds, was like God singing to me, with the voice of Michael Buble,  :)
~ You are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like your done
And the darkness has won
Babe your not lost ~

Thanks God ~ I love your singing voice by the way ~

But you know what ~ that was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. I hope if you are going through a horrible time and feel dark and alone and vulnerable; you will be able to reach out and find that you are not alone and not as lost as you thought. I hope darkness will not win, and that the light will come pouring through.
 xo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoEWmc60wJY



 

The Babe is One and the Story of His Birth

This is me in labor the day my boy was born.

Little did I know just how much his coming would change my world.
This was my fourth baby and fourth pregnancy. However I have only carried three babies to term. My oldest child is adopted and my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and subsequently cancer.
In my other pregnancies I gained good amounts of weight but my babies were both under seven pounds. When this little boy was born he weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces. I am five foot two. With his weight, the placenta, that was a very good size, the ridiculous amounts of amniotic fluid and all the water retention; I lost twenty pounds in a couple days. It was glorious. I felt SO HUGE in that picture! And I was huge.

I had my fourth baby at home. This was my first home birth. It was incredible. I am thankful that my other births were hospital births and would not change that. However this birth was the purely beautiful and incredible ~ well as much as birth can be when you are pushing a human out of..... well, your vagina!

 Here is my team ~ my two midwives, my husband and then my dear friend who was photographing but also supporting and encouraging me. I honestly don't remember a day so vividly where I felt so genuinely and selflessly given to and loved.

 My husband was a gem. He did not ask for a 'break' or tell me he was hungry or getting tired. I think he had learned from previous labors that its just doesn't fly all that well. He was perfect.

 Here is my friend who was taking pictures, my midwife who is also my dear friend, picked up the camera and took some shots for her. Another good picture of the massiveness of my stomach.

 To share in the beauty of this day was my midwives little baby. He nursed and hung out throughout the day until I was in active labor. Then his daddy took him for a bit. It all worked out so perfectly.

There we are all hard at work...

I had never had a birthing pool before. I had never used a pool or water at all for my other births. Each labor has been so different. For my first labor I literally never got off a rocking chair that was in my hospital room until I was pushing. I just could not move. For my second labor if I sat down my labor stopped so I walked constantly and when my water broke all of a sudden the baby was coming NOW. With this labor getting into this pool was a bit like heaven. I couldn't stay in for long because it would slow labor down too much, it was that relaxing, and I sort of wanted the baby out!!!!

My first really strong contraction started at about six in the morning.  I had been contracting all night and a lot of the day before but not really regularly.The six in the morning contraction was intense. I called everyone around eight in the morning and caught everyone just before they were heading out the door to their respective days. This baby could not have planned things more perfectly. In this picture I had been in labor for maybe six hours or so. Here I am hanging out with the pillow that had a Thomas the Train pillow case...that really bugged me that stupid pillow case. It's funny the things you remember.

Thought going through my head are....'Why does it have to be Thomas?' And, 'Oh man, these are hurting so bad and they are only going to get worse!!!!! but I can do it I know I can.'  'Not another one!!!!'
 And things were coming out of my mouth like, 'fruuuuuuit cake.'
I didn't swear which isn't like me. For some reason I just didn't swear.

Then things started to get interesting. I needed to progress past six centimetres so I got out of the tub and we broke my water. I thought I would immediately start pushing like I had with my last labor but not quite. I had to work a little harder. So I moved into the living room and got on my knees with my head buried in cushions on the couch. The couch I had slept on for months while pregnant. The couch I had slept on before I was married while living at someone's house. This couch has gotten me through a lot. I chose not to do a water birth because that is a hands free unassisted birth usually, and with my history of tearing I needed to my midwife to be able to be right there.
I am in a lot of pain now. Feeling really grumpy inside as I know perfectly well what is coming and how I dont want to have to push the baby out. I am REALLY wanting to skip that part. All these thoughts run through my head in between the agony of contractions. My belly was so heavy as you can see in these pictures. When he came out the relief was immense. If you have had a baby you may remember this feeling.  At the same time you realize you'll never feel them inside you again.

I remember the midwives starting to get ready for the baby coming. I was scared because I had torn badly with my other babies. I knew this could happen again. I really REALLY didn't want it to happen. I had to just trust, but we all knew how massive I was.
We all knew!

 The horrible pillow is back. Dont I look peaceful though? I was getting tired at this point and probably asleep for a second. All through the labor I would have this horrific contraction and then a gentler one. I mean it was pretty amazing when I think back. It went on like that through the whole labor. I could not have asked for more.

This picture is hilarious and I had to include it. I know it is slightly graphic but I am at pushing stage now and this midwife shot is pretty awesome.

This look of so much joy

This look of perfect peace

And here is my baby boy being born. It is an incredible shot of him coming into this world.When he was being born his head came out and I had to stop and wait for the next contraction and it didn't come. I was begging my body but it waited. My midwife eased him out so gently each contraction and that was why I didn't really tear. She was incredible and somehow my body knew to take it slow.

And this is me in one of the best moments of my life perfectly captured. Belly sagging empty, arms full of miraculous ~ the first second of meeting ~ and its a boy! My joy is so overwhelming, my relief flooding. I am so thankful he is here and safe.

We all gaze in awe and no one can stop smiling.

Shortly after we realize just how much of a miracle this birth really is. My son has a true knot in his cord. This is rare and can be fatal before or during labor. However he never went into distress and was born healthy, strong and perfect.

Another miracle is that I only tear on my old scar lines and it is minor. However this is my biggest baby by a long shot! 

We give him a beautiful strong name from the Bible.
His dad is brave enough to cut the cord.

That first look

All these first moments that you never get to have again. They are all indescribable. Here I am nursing and calling the other children to tell them the news. I am crying with joy and probably a bit of shock :)

So we knew he wasn't a little peanut when he was born (like his sister before him at 6 pounds 12 ounces)...but pretty much NINE pounds?????He was the biggest baby born to my midwives that month!!!! And he came from ME! He was born at 2:30pm and everyone had arrived at the house just before 9:00am. He was 8 pounds 14 ounces (my biggest baby by far) and 21.5 inches long.

 I start calling everyone and telling them the news. My cup of happiness overflows. This has been the best day of my life.

It has been a whole year and a couple days since this day. He is now one years old. The first six months were filled with colic and mastitis and never ending nights, nursing sessions that went on for hours, my husband gone for days on end working and my other children having a hard time with it all. Through it all though I felt this different sort of confidence. I felt a strength in me I had never felt before. Sometimes it wavered, sometimes I almost lost it, but it would come back in a flood when I looked at him. He was four years younger than my next child. I had waited a long time for him. He was so wanted, so longed for, he came after a very hard and sad time in my life. He represents promise, hope, joy, love and dreams not forgotten. He is such a treasure. He has brought so much joy to our family this year. We laugh with him every day. He has been our sunshine after clouds of grief. He has changed my life.
 Happy birthday little one. Happy birthday.