They are the Champions

I am tired right through. Do you every have those moments where you are tired right through. Tired to your bones? I am having one of those moments. I think my baby must be teething ~ maybe eye teeth this time? It's always a guessing game and I am not a good guesser. He is whiney all day, doesn't nap much, and is up over and over in the night. I just dont bother to try to go to sleep because it is a hands down guarantee I will get woken up right as I drift off.  So most of the day I managed okay but my husband walks in the door and all of a sudden I'm two and having a melt down. I feel bad for him that he has to walk in after a long day of working out in the heat and I am the one melting down. Lately I have stopped cooking too. So there is no dinner. No one starves but they live on cereal or grilled cheese or something equally not nutritious at all. I used to care a lot more about healthy meals. I used to try to get everyone to eat and fight to have family dinners. Not any more. My husband is sure this is just a season and tells me to extend myself grace. My sister who used to live with us has just returned from over seas and when she saw what we were eating I saw the shock in her face. Who have I become? Someone who never gets enough. Sleep that is. In saying that I try to remember back to who exactly I used to be? It wasn't pretty either. Its such a progression growing up is, all the changing and letting go. I now wonder as my children get a bit older how will we be? Right now I am the heaviest I have ever been and its not that heavy but its just different. I dont have the will power or energy to do what needs to be done to change that. So it feels like I have sunk to a new low. At the same time it feels empowering to realize that I am sort of okay with all this. Sort of okay with everyone living on cereal and bread most of the time, sort of okay with not fitting my clothes, sort of okay with not getting sleep, sort of okay with how things are right now. I think I have finally accepted this as my reality. I dont think thats bad. I think its discouraging sometimes because I think I must be able to be more or better or whatever. Then I realize you know what...I am who I am now. If it changes to something better at some point then awesome. However I am feeling more confident then ever before, I am feeling more at peace than ever before. My house is also permanently a disaster. If my mom comes over and cleans up or my sister or my husband ~ I cant keep it that way. Four against one all day just means that they win. Hands down they are the champions!!! None of them can focus long enough to clean anything thoroughly most days and if I am cleaning one thing then one of them is sure to be working behind me messing something different. That is another thing that makes me feel crazy inside but at the same time I have had to just let go. I make sure the dishes are washed every day and the laundry is done every day. The fridge does not have rotting food in it but everything else is crazy town. If you come over...I'll just apologise  right now for my bathroom and please leave your shoes on because I dont wash my floors ever. It just invites massive spills; it never disappoints. So I just dont wash them. I actually chose floors that did not show dirt on purpose. I was thinking I tell ya.
So where am I going with all this. Nowhere at all. I just told my husband that I want to eat out at every dinner and that I never want to cook again. Then I started looking on pinterest for ideas and felt like maybe the sun could shine again on dinner time in this house..but probably not for a long while yet.
So if anyone wants to bring dinner over to my house ~ and to the ones who have brought me dinner in this last year....You know who you are...You are treasures and I applaud you! XO