My Last Post for 2015

A Little Story (written for a friend)

   It all started the day she was born. She was a beautiful and sweet birdy. She had come into a family that needed her. As a young one she worked hard to make life around her sweet and although she had a strong will she wanted to please. Life at home was not always safe or happy and so as she grew up she knew that when she got older she would choose differently. Her eyes were bright and wary, yet soft. Sometimes she felt she was lost and searching and other times she felt found.  Her song was precious and feathers beautiful. When she was still young she found her life’s mate and they started life together. Each day was different. Sometimes she felt loved and sometimes she felt safe but often times were hard and stress defined a lot of moments.  She struggled to feel deep in her heart the connection that transcends words.

   She had a way about her though that drew others in. They wanted to be a part of her sweetness and draw from her beauty. They saw in her a wealth of goodness they wanted to tap into. So often her door was open to others and often they came. In herself, when she looked in the mirror, often she saw an emptiness....not that she was empty or that she had an empty life...because her life was always more than full. However she could never quite get to where she wanted to be and often she felt like she was grasping at something that was not quite in reach. She always felt a lack of some sort.

  This sweet one had a way about her that glowed. She had the strength to move mountains if she so desired. This one protected those she loved with fierceness and strength not many would have or want to give. So many things left her reeling because as time went on her heart just grew more,  her heart for her loves was immense, and her motives more thoughtful and kind, and yet she could not control those her heart wanted to protect from pain. Their pain was hers and her heart bled when they hurt themselves ~ they needed to learn to fly but she wanted to be their wings.  She had created a nest that was full of beauty and safety. She felt a deep fear that if her loved ones flew away...maybe they would not come back whole or maybe....she wasn’t even sure. So she sheltered them and snuggled them and surrounded them in sweetness and purity.  

  

  All through this little bird’s life her creator had watched her with awe. He was amazed at the capacity of love her heart carried and he celebrated all the beauty she surrounded herself with. He was ever waiting for moments when she looked up to see Him and share in His delight of her. As time went on those moments seemed to come less and her heart grew dim with sadness. The strain of her love and the stretch of her wings weighed her down so far that she could barely hold up her head as she fought for the safety of her loved ones.  She would reel sometimes and pitch and the wind would toss her to and fro. This beautiful bird, she knew that something was not right and she knew that she could not go on much longer...but she had to. Didn’t she?

  One day she stopped for a moment. Stopped in a different way than she had for a very long time. She was not collapsing because her wings were broken, she was not shot down by the wind and hurt. She just rested on the branch of one of her favorite trees. She looked down at herself and she really saw herself. In shock she stared. Her wings... They were weak, scarred, her feathers were scarce, because they had been flying and hovering so focused on the ones she loved. She had not taken time to rest, eat, preen, and she realized there would be a heavy price to pay. Her head sank low and her heart broke inside as she realized that she was not enough. That she never had been and that her love as beautiful and fierce as it was could not cover and heal all wounds.  She looked at her nest and realized that even though it was full of beauty and safety...that it was not enough.

   She realized she had forgotten how to sing. She could still sing but it was songs for others. She had not sung her own song for so long that she forgot the melody.

  In that moment something shifted inside her. 

   Something she had always known but never completely felt came and settled in her heart. It was that it was not her. It was not her job. She could not do it. She could not save her loves, she could not save the world, she could not even save herself. She started looking around frantically the old feelings of fear and failure and wanting to help, protect, nurture, heal...it all started flooding and as her eyes were frantically searching she looked up. It was just for a moment but in that moment light flooded her heart. She saw the wings of the mightiest one. She knew these wings. They were the wings of her Creator. They were the wings that nothing could defeat. They were the softest most safe place she could ever be. In an instant she stretched her own wings and just managed to find the strength to fly up into the shadow of those wings. While she was there she looked down on her nest, on her loved ones, she looked at them and realized with such clarity that they were not her own to protect, they were not her own to love and that in her fight to be everything...she had forgotten the peace and strength and safety her Creator’s wings gave her....and could also give those she loved.

   As she nestled in the shelter of those wings she realized that she needed to be there every day. She needed that rest, that peace, that comfort, every day. She needed to heal. It would take focus and it would take strength...but she had incredible focus and strength. She saw it so clearly now.  All of a sudden she felt her song flood back into her spirit. It was soft and first but then pulsed in her with a strength all its own. As it came bursting forth those below her heard it and came up to the wings and found shelter there. They flew themselves, they made the choice; and from that day on the little bird was never the same again. Her heart had found its home and her spirit had found a peace that passed all understanding. Her mind was on guard and the things she had fought with such strength to keep her loved ones safe from did not even try to come any longer because they knew defeat when they saw it. They saw the sheltering.

  As the years went by the little bird’s nest continued to be a place of refuge, beauty and purity for all who came. However it was sheltered by the shadow of wings that far surpassed any other. The little bird lived in the peace and strength those wings brought and in that she was never the same again. This peace, strength and hope was passed on to many generations , and the world around her nest grew brighter, safer and more pure.  Each day the little bird sang her song and each day she drew from the safety and comfort of the almighty wings. They brought her all she had never had and all she ever needed.

Psalm 91:4 ‘He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.’

The Eve of a New Year

    A full year. It is New Years Eve. My husband and oldest are out at a party. I just couldn't go this year. I am too tired. It's a good tired though. I am realizing that more and more (I hope). I am tired! But its not tired because I am ill, its not tired because I hate my job or I am depressed. It is tired because I have a little one year old boy who loves to nurse all night. It is tired because I have a little five year old who loves to stay up late and chat and chat and clean until eleven at night. It is tired because there are four children and a man who need me to help them live their best life and so it is a really REALLY good tired. I so often resent feeling this tired, this drained, this empty. But it is also a good empty. I have many to pour into and I have lot that pours into me if I so choose to let it.
  I love to make little 'resolutions' or 'goals' for the year. I categorize them into 'marriage' 'personal'  'family' 'financial' and 'spiritual' and every year it seems to simplify more and more. This year I dont know if I am even going to attempt any goals. My mind swirls with things I would like to see happen and I would like to work towards but honestly do I have the strength? Not right now anyway. 2016 will be another very full year. I will be mothering with all I have and I will be trying to be the best wife I can be in that and the best sister and friend and daughter and through it all trying to keep a sense of myself close enough to take up when I can.
  I wish you a happy New Year. I hope you can greet this New Year with a sense of hope and a sense of purpose. I hope that it will be a kind year to you and that many beautiful uplifting moments will fill you with joy. I hope you will not feel alone and that you will feel loved. I hope that for us all.

I will end this year with a passage from the Bible that was my grandmother's favorite and is also one of mine. I think of it often.


Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

I welcome this New Year feeling both incredibly empty (of energy and inspiration etc) but also incredibly full (of love and hope and a spirit to keep on). xo

Community Living

  Last night I watched something on Netflix called 'Happy.' It was amazing. I learned a lot  about happiness on all sorts of levels and am going to watch it again. However something that was once again impressed upon me is the impact that living in Community has on people. I firmly believe that people are not meant to live alone. I think people are meant to eat together and live life together in a way that our society just does not do. I think before and during the wars people were so united and had to live so differently because of their common heart for peace and freedom. However now our society (in North America) is so separate and focused on money and success (which does not bring happiness by the way). We also do not usually even consider having extended family live with us after a certain point. I feel like the families I have observed that get together often, help each other out no matter what, and stay in touch very regularly and people that have friends that they live life together with...are people that seem to do better in all areas of life. If you dont feel alone, if you feel validated, appreciated and loved and like you are living a life that matters....you are going to be happier! You just don't feel that if you are living an isolated life!
   I have spent time in a couple different community type settings in my life time. I know VERY clearly how imperfect it is and how much of a challenge it can be. However I think those issues can be relatively small compared to the benefits of being in community. My dream (and yes it will sound naive) is being able to buy a piece of land (not far from town and not a really large one) and having a house on it (not a big one but one that will fit our family forever), and another house for my parents, and then maybe building a community kitchen and bathrooms and having places for families to build some cabins and places to come camp sometimes if they wanted to. I would have some chickens (for eggs and meat), a goat or two (just to add some excitement and loudness and maybe milk), some beef cows and maybe a small horse. I would have a couple cats for the mice. This property would need some trees (for the kids to play in the forest and for wood for wood stoves) and a creek for wading in and having fun in. We could have a big garden in the summer and have community dinners at night so that only one family would have to cook one night a week or something. We could try to live simply and generously and allow our children to enjoy life outside where space is grand and giving and nurturing. The animals would teach them about responsibility and humanity and kindness and the garden would show them where our food comes from and anyway blah blah blah...my fairy tale :) I just yearn to be able to have friends come over a lot more than they have time for. I long to let my children play outside most of the day and to play with them not have to work and work and work inside! I would love to sit at dinners and chat about real things with friends ~ my husband and I do not do that (have other couples that are friends we see regularly). Our life is consumed with work and coping and keeping everyone going and it seems like such a whirl wind.
  I KNOW that what I just wrote out is full of things that could go wrong, lots of work and drama etc. However after watching Happy and seeing that Denmark is one of the happiest countries in the world and a lot of that has to do with the co housing that many people get to take part in...it renewed that ache in me. I hear so many families my age wish for this (opportunity to live on land). However not many are willing to make the sacrifice to actually live in community in order to make it happen. It is so foreign here and some how scary. I wonder though because I want it so much...if it is in my future? The wish just does not leave me. I guess we shall see what happens.I guess we shall see.

A Fun Sun Filled Day

                                           This is a worm garden surrounding this home

 A fun sun filled day today. We have daddy home for some days off and on Christmas day I had wanted to decorate some little houses with candy but we didn't have time. Today I pulled everything out and we did. It was tricky. We used the glue gun and lots of daddy's help as the crackers just kept breaking. When my five year old was done hers she promptly fell on it and crushed it to pieces but that didn't cause any drama as she just happily started munching candy. These little moments are the ones I have to try to hold close and dear when the drama and fighting and anxiety are drowning me.

When Snow Falls Down

   Many a winter has gone by and our family has never 'gone' anywhere to celebrate snow. If it falls we make a snow man or when we lived on the farm once my husband pulled the children around on his brother's quad while they rode on a sled. They have never forgotten that, but we have never been able to go somewhere to have fun in the snow. This is partially do to our son's extreme anxiety and partially due to my husband and I just not being healthy enough in our relationship to plan and go through with anything as simple as finding a hill and sliding down it. It is sad when I think about it, and yet so incredibly happy that we just did that! It was snowing and we borrowed a tuck, piled everyone in and went sliding. It was so beautiful. We were on a hill on a mountain and were surrounded by trees. In moments of silence you could hear the snow flakes tinkling down; sometimes a tree would crack like a gun shot and slowly topple from the weight of the snow. My children were deliriously happy. They were in their element. No one felt anxious or overwhelmed by the cold. They were sliding and climbing and exploring and pretending and just fully happy. It was so fulfilling to see and we were altogether. In the past my husband has been the one to take the children out anywhere fun while I huddle at home taking that small moment to rest and clean and try to soothe nerves for when they returned. This time I went. That says a lot.

                                               

                           Here is my little one year old ready to slide. He loved every moment of it.

                                      There is a little 'fox' in there aka my eight year old.

 This little one is our fearless try anything one. I had to keep a close eye on her as she was sliding sideways, backwards, anything to make things just that much more exciting.

            This path filled me with so much peace. I wish I could have captured its beauty better.

Happy Christmas

   Christmas has come and gone now and this years was a super happy one. I was stressed enough about it and struggled with all the little issues I had in its coming. The actual day was as perfect as possible though and I am so thankful. We had some time in the morning with our family and then headed over to my parents for breakfast. My dad out did himself making an incredibly delicious meal. We also had a Christmas dinner at our home that night that my dad also cooked with about twenty people. He must have been so exhausted by the end of the day and everyone was so blessed. There were enough left overs for five families to take home and our hearts were happy. I am putting up some random pictures of the day. Enjoy ~

Here we are the clan of us. We are strong and yet so fragile. It was really special to all get together this year. I love you all so much. XO

When Peanut Butter Becomes a Lion

   WOW, what a morning!!! Our house has a lot of anxiety that often hovers like a cloud over it. The littlest thing sets one of us off at any given moment and today was no exception. My oldest is home from school on a break and so her routine is thrown off causing her angst. She has a set way that she reacts to this and it usually means picking on her siblings in some way shape or form. It is relentless and exhausting and it triggers everyone else. However for her this is what she feels she needs. When everyone is up at her level of anxiety then she feels somehow better because then she knows where everyone is at and she doesn't need to worry about any escalations. I try to be aware enough to help her lower her anxiety levels and feel better so everyone can remain at calmer levels. It is not easy though. Today she went out for the day and so my next child (my eight year old son) really started to escalate. He has an anxiety disorder. It comes from a lot of different things but since this diagnosis and with living with him and my oldest as long as I have I have learned some very interesting things about anxiety. Today however I felt like I had a bit of a break through in how to talk to him about it. He had a panic attack because I put peanut butter on his french toast this morning. I also put syrup on that precious toast but today the peanut butter was the last straw. Usually with anxiety it can simmer for a while and build before exploding but everyone is different. As soon as his sister was leaving the anxiety that had been building because of her behavior was able to come out. Sometimes when life seems like it should have a moment of peace that is when things get even crazier and that is because the body has a chance to cleanse a bit or release. So for him today when I gave him the peanut butter ~ that was it!
   When the body goes into this 'panic attack' it has a mechanism that has been labeled the ~ fight, flight, freeze or fawn ~ response. Your body literally does one of those things when you have a moment of panic. My eight year old does the fight to the biggest degree. This means screaming, throwing things, and he seems to be totally raging. Since I now know that it is an anxiety attack I am approaching things from a VERY different angle then I did before. I try to regulate my breathing, talk calmly and keep him from hurting himself and myself and the house as gently as I can. If I have to hold him down no matter how gently I am holding him he is screaming I am hurting him. His heart is pounding, his pupils dilated, he is just in full blown freak out. It is heart breaking. Basically his body has never learned to differentiate between real danger and every day life. When we are babies we are in total survival mode. If, when we are little, we were not soothed appropriately when we needed soothing our bodies can get stuck in that mode. For my eight year old this was the case. He was allergic to almost every food from birth and so nursing caused him a lot of pain. He also had severe acid reflux and had a hard time breathing properly and so many other things. I was stressed out so much because he cried all the time. He was my first new born baby ( my oldest moved in with us when she was one and a half) and I had no idea how to help him. It was unbearably hard. This resulted in how he perceives and reacts to the world around him now.
  Today after I got him calmed down I had this brain wave of how to show him what his body was doing. I told him that his body thought that a lion was attacking it. He LOVES animals and so I thought giving him this word picture might just work; and it did!!! I told him that his body couldn't tell that having peanut butter on his toast was not a life threatening situation. I told him that when I was talking to him (while he was screaming) all he heard was lion roars and when I was holding him safe, while he was panicking, all he could feel was lion claws. I explained about how our body is designed to help us do amazing things when we are in real danger. I told him about people lifting up cars to save someone or accomplishing seemingly impossible things when they had that adrenaline coursing through their bodies. I told him that this is not supposed to happen often in our bodies but sometimes our bodies get stuck responding one way to every little thing. So I told him that his body feels like a lion is about to kill him almost every day when really there has never been a lion anywhere close to him. While I was holding him as he was screaming I just kept quietly saying....'It's just breakfast, it's just breakfast' and so after he was calm I told him why I kept saying that.
  He snuggled in close to me and listened as I explained. I told him about how his heart was pounding out of his chest, how his blood goes to his extremities and how his body is ready to do whatever it takes to survive when he is going through one of these episodes...but it was just over peanut butter!!!!
   I think today he understood a lot better than he ever has. I hope it is yet another step in a positive direction for us. Now I need to find  a way to explain this to my oldest in a totally different way. Now I can say things to my eight year old like, 'honey I think you need to tell your body there is no lion!' I can teach him more about how to tell his body in ways other than words. I have a key worker from my community that comes over once a month to help me strategies how to help my children better manage life. This month she made tool kits with each child. She went to a dollar store and bought cute boxes. These boxes are filled with little things designed to help children have ways to cope with stress, anxiety and worry. The children made each thing with her and she explained their use. There is a stress ball made out of two balloons and some rice, there is a journal and pens, coloring pages, bubbles (to help with deep breathing) a worry doll to whisper your worries to, lavender sachets to smell for a calming scent, a little booklet that they made with lots of different ways they know helps them feel more calm and the list just goes on. It was so helpful for my children.
  If you have a child who struggles with explosive anger or seems extremely sensitive to sound or textures or has a very hard time sitting still or focusing you may have a child who is struggling with anxiety. There are many ways to help a child find peace. Vitamin D, B Complex with folate and liquid magnesium are helpful and eating lots or protein every couple hours usually makes a big difference. Fish oils help also just in a physical sense. Giving children knowledge about what is happening in their bodies helps also. Giving them tools and ways out (like the tool box) and remaining calm when they are escalating helps. New pathways need to be created in their brain and so after they are totally calm...help them re do what needed to be done the right way. In my case today my son needed to be able to communicate calmly why the peanut butter was not acceptable and we also needed to realize he was feeling anxious not just about the peanut butter but other things. I am just now (in the last year or two) really able to recognize when I myself am anxious and escalating and sometimes it takes me a couple days to figure out the root of it. So children need a lot of help every day with this. Self awareness can bring peace but it takes time.
  Thanks for reading ~ I hope you are doing alright, holding on, and that no matter what happens in the next couple days you will be able to find pockets of peace and moments of beauty. xo

The Beauty of Some Things Staying the Same and the Peace That Brings

When you were growing up did you have a place you went to that was a sort of haven? It didn't change much, it was a constant? I had a place like that. I didn't really realize how important it was to me until I got cancer. After I'd have a chemo treatment I would feel incredibly sick. I would feel desperate to make the sickness go away and all I could think about was getting to that place. It was my grandma's house. Yes it was my grandpa's too, but I thought of it as grandma's. I knew if I could just get there and have dinner that she made it would make my sickness go away. If I could lie on their couch as they sat and watched TV ~ a sort of feeling would wash over me that I had always taken forgranted...I don't even know if I can put the feeling into words but it is a feeling of knowing and being safe in the knowing. If I was able to get to grandma's and have dinner the funny thing was was that I did feel better right away! I might get sick again when I got home but when I was there I felt okay. When I was growing up my grandparents lived in the same house. Not much changed in it either. They kept the same tables and chairs for years, the same spinny chair in the living room, the same phone, the same coo coo clock that didn't work, the same pillows on the chairs. Sometimes grandma would sew new curtains or put up new wall paper but they appreciated the simple things and they were frugal and so they were content with what was good enough. When you pulled into the driveway you knew what was going to happen. It was always the same. You ran up the steps and you knocked on the door or rang the door bell several times. Then they both would come to the door and it would creak loudly when it opened. They had a little landing where you would crowd into and take off your shoes and coat and hang them in a closet or on the hand rail and up three steps you would go into the living room. They had the open concept thing going way before anyone else ever did. They had a small wood stove and lots of windows, there were lots of little creative homey touches that grandma had around. Grandpa would usually sit at his desk typing on his typewriter or talking loudly on the phone about something scientific unless he was going to help us fly kites or we were going to the park or to the beach. Grandma would always have cookies or raisin scones, cranberry juice or something that felt like a treat for us. We did all sorts of things at grandmas....like try to play ping pong in the basement or look at their large collection of national geographics. They had a lot of board games and a massive back yard with a good hill for rolling down. They had a quiet road for riding bikes or exploring and they lived in walking distance of a beach and a park with a river that had a bridge over it. Life there was not perfect but it was good. We (my siblings and I) made applesauce, sewed, baked, crafted and visited cousins. I write all this and will share pictures for a couple reasons. I want to remember how their home was always. It had a huge place in my heart. When they moved I had to go and say 'goodbye' to the house over and over again. I knew that losing that safe haven was going to be very hard for me. I also want to remind myself that creating something like this for my children would be so special for them. Such a blessing. If they had something that didn't change, it could be something small...like always having a certain type of snack in the same place (my grandma had her cookies in the same place on the counter in a cookie tin and we checked it every time we were there) all the time or a certain activity we did every week at some specific time...just something that never changed that they could rely on. Sure it wont measure up to getting to go to my grandparents and all the peace and stability their constantness gave to me...but I know it will be good. What a gift I was given. So many gifts through so many years of a lot of hard things...their gifts of a house filled with simple touches and a back yard that had a garden. The smiles on their faces when we came and the hearts they had for us. Oh I miss them! In these pictures they were starting to prepare to leave their home. My heart was breaking and I tried to take pictures of it all so I would never forget.