For Naomi and Others

Excerpts from the book ~ Poetry For Young People

 ' Why did she write? We may never know for certain. But we do know this; Emily Dickinson chose to spend day after day in the same house, doing the same things - ordinary seemingly unimportant things - for she seemed to know that there are wonderful possibilities in the most ordinary life if we just take notice.'

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard,
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody? Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Emily Dickinson

  I was picking up a whole batch of books that my baby had thrown on the floor and proclaimed a 'boat'. It was dreary. I picked up this book and opened it up and read about Emily Dickinson and started to tear up. She spent most of her life at home and a lot of time in her bedroom. She was shy and unrecognized. She wrote over 1,700 poems but only six of them were published while she was alive. Not many people appreciated her poems while she was alive and she died at the age of fifty five. She never married as her heart was broken at a young age. Why did I tear up? I think because I spend a lot of time in my house. I feel unimportant and unseen. Yet it is another reminder that it all comes down to choice and taking notice of the extraordinary that dwells so beautifully in the every day that is my life. Today my extraordinary was this...I used up all my apples to make an apple crisp for a friend. I was going to stop on my way home to buy some more but all the power was out in town and stores were not really operational. I had also been wishing for weeks that I knew someone with an apple tree that wanted to share. I got home and transferred the baby to his bed and was feeding the other children some salmon. There was a hard abrupt knock on my door. I went to the door and our neighbor who is a rough, crusty, foul mouthed man was standing there with a massive bag of apples. I had talked to him yesterday when a tow truck was parked in front of my driveway and I waited and waited for it. He came out to yell at me and tell me to go around. I gently told him I needed to get in my driveway. He then said he was my neighbor which I said yes I knew (obviously :). He then went and told the tow truck driver to move. We had not talked before my neighbor and I.
   This bag of apples ~ It is so heavy I can barely lift it. He had brought apples back from Keremeos ~ organic, fresh and beautiful and had decided to give me some today. How was he to have any idea I had been wishing for those? That I had just come home sad about apples of all things. He blessed me so much and I am still tearing up just writing about it. Keep keeping on. Dont give up hoping and dont forget how lovely you are.
Take heart and be blessed
Love Tansy

To My Friends ~ Our Thirties ~

  I dont have many consistent readers. However people from all over the world stumble into this little corner all through the week and I want to say  ~ welcome ~

 Thank you for coming here :)

  Today I wish someone would call me and encourage me or someone would write me and encourage me and that is just the truth. I don't feel well. My children are children. That means they are messy, selfish, often thoughtless and lazy. They are also sweet, encouraging and giving. However this week their messy selfish sides have affected me a lot because I haven't been feeling all that well. Now that I am on week five with my husband being gone I am quite worn out. I feel like laundry and dishes and cooking (and honestly today it feels like drudgery) every single day is so maddening AND I look at my self in the mirror and I see that I am ageing. Sometimes that doesn't bother me at all, not one bit and other days I just dont want to see that. So today I thought what can I do? My house is a mess. I am on the verge of tears and my body feels so heavy and tired. The children are full of their usual energy which is happy; but I was thinking about all of YOU out there. I can't do much to change how I feel today but I am not alone in how I feel. I am not the only one.  I think about my friends around the world. Some of you are pregnant and feeling ill and tired, some of you are feeling abandoned and oh so sad, some of you are sick and wishing just wishing for some one to really see your heart and see your worth and help you! Some of you have young babies, some of you are navigating marriage troubles. Some of you are working out of the home and some in and some both. Some of you are doing well and are so happy! We are in our thirties now most of us and we are worn with the cares that this stage of adult life brings and we just want someone to see us. Oh we have our glorious days but sometimes they are few and far between because there is much required of us. We were not prepared for all this because no one could prepare us.

  We are often alone in our little worlds. We hope the sun shines so that the world is light. We hope to get a good sleep so we can face the day with just a bit more grace. We hope to feel connected to some person at some point in the day. We hope to give some light to someone else. We hope we can give out of our emptiness and we long to have more to give. We long to feel safe and loved and known.

 So here we are in all our places and spaces and we are what we are.

  And really we are amazing. Think about all you accomplish from the time you get out of bed till you go to it again. Are you growing a baby right now? Are you homeschooling? Are you nursing a baby? Are you working out of your home? Are you in school? Are you cooking, cleaning, running a household and mothering? Are you working on reconciliation? All these things we are doing every day is enough and it is good! It blows me away all the things my friends are accomplishing. I am so proud of you all!

  I will be thinking of you and praying for you as I go and wash endless dishes, as I take out the stinking garbage and pick up toys. I will be loving you and hoping for hope for you and wishing for the best for you as I am here in my space and you are in yours.

Love to you
Tansy

First Saturday of Fall!

  My hormones are killin it right now. Like if they were on a vendetta to take over my life they would be winning and I would be crumpled on the ground white flag held up in surrender asking for mercy. Okay maybe that is what I am doing right now for real because I think they ARE on a vendetta against me. My theories and negotiations with myself so I can keep sane are...'well maybe they are so bad because I am still nursing but I am not nursing much.' 'Maybe it is because the seasons are changing (I am grasping at straws but I am desperate).' 'Maybe it is because I am doing a totally different diet and am burning some fat and killing off candida? This would mean my liver is overloaded and so my hormones are screwed.'
  Whatever the case may be I am feeling prreetty cruddy and there is nothing I want more than to just go and hang out with a friend. Someone who gets this, who really gets it. I want to eat good food, maybe try to forget how much work there is to do every day to keep up, and feel somewhat care free just for a couple hours.
  My husband is home today. He came home from his two week course after doing an exam for six hours and before he came home he found out he passed. Now I am not sure of this but I think that he probably got the highest mark on this test that he has ever gotten in his entire life because he got an A. I am SO proud of him (and so relieved because he really had to have this course passed for his new job)!!!! So he is home and he is taking all the children swimming. Is he a hero? I would say yes.
  The other thing I thought of today that would help me feel like life was worth living...was doing a bit of work outside to my house. I have not done gardening for months. I want to add a bit of color to my front porch and it isn't much but I thought it would help me through. So my husband decided that was a great plan and he is going to help me...
  Why blog this? It is real life, the reality. Hormones really are intense. I am trying to fight through it and be somewhat calm and not totally crazy, emotional, and irrational....Writing helps me process and helps me hold on for another day.
  I hope you have a good weekend. The first Saturday of Fall :) Live it up!! We have lots to look forwards to ~ minus the hormones.  xo

I Guess I am Thirty Four

   I had this moment a while ago that perfectly summed up how my life has been for a long time. I was lying in the dentist chair and they were telling me some sad news about the state of my teeth. In the midst of this quite horrible conversation they asked me my age. My mind came up with nothing. I mean I knew I had entered into the land of the thirties but after that it escaped me. I had no idea if I was thirty three or thirty four and although I could remember the date of my birth my brain also would not do any mathematical type equations for me at that moment. They looked at me askance and let me know I was thirty four and then asked me if I knew my children's birthdates. I just sort of looked at them and said, 'Really, right now it doesn't matter. I am exhausted and most of the time I can't even formulate words. It has been like this for a long time. I still cringe at my seeming stupidity but I cling to the hope that one day I will feel somewhat intelligent again.' I was fighting back tears as I said it. They backed off a bit and I probably gave them a bit of something to chat about during their lunch break.
   Honestly though I have not been able to remember SO MANY LITTLE THINGS for so long or so many big things. The simplest word escapes me and I have entered into the zone where I get my children's names confused. That did not happen till I had four names to remember, which is happy, but at number four she threw in the towel and that was it, now my children are used to being called a mix of all the beginnings of their names before they actually get called the right name, if they get called the right name at all. Why write about this? Haha, I dont know. The memory just came back to me today and the children were quiet so I sat down and started hammering it out.
   It is just one of those weird things that happen when you become a mother. Something I never thought about or wondered what it would be like. I just assumed my parents maybe were a little slower than some or who KNOWS what I thought when they would mix up all our names and when they seemed tired and couldn't form sentences. It happens to us all....us parents!!!!! It still to this day sometimes hits me that I am a mother, that I am in charge of all these children; and I stand back and feel amazed! But it is true and even though I may not remember their birthdates right off the top of my head and I mix up all their names every day and I am not sure how old I really am...I've got this most days. Being chronically exhausted is sick. It is awful. It is dark and yet you keep going and have these moments where you look back and remember sitting in the dentist chair all eyes on you while you feel like a fool and you feel compassion. Sweetie you were so tired. I mean even though they were telling me this grim reality about my teeth and asking me these really hard questions I was lying down and I wasn't nursing anyone and no one was nestling into my body and that was enough for me. It was hellish and bliss all in one!
  Alright back to a rainy day over here with all children home. We shall see what we get done today. My husband is writing a big exam right now...I am hoping and praying it goes well for him and excited to have him home for the weekend. xo

Can't I Just Make The Most of Now

   I have this picture in my minds eye of my grandma lying in bed. She was dying and my grandpa is sitting beside her holding her hand. He is bent and his eyes are closed and her eyes are closed and the picture is so so sad. I think to the moment she caught his eye in that canteen in Winnipeg when World War Two was on. She was tall and had dark curly hair and blue eyes and incredible skin. He was tall and in a uniform and it was love at first sight. All these years they had been together side by side. They had raised children and gone through their valleys and their heart break and their happy times too and yet as with life as always their partnership was coming to a close. How intense is this life we live and what are we focused on as we go through it? Are we not usually focused on ourselves?
   I feel like so often we don't realize that there isn't forever. There might be lots of years yet but they will fly by! It is so easy to focus on exterior things, on things that seem really big and really overwhelming but things that will pass, things that will fade. I will forget this sooner than soon because that is how I am but I write it so I can look back and be reminded.
   Can't I just make the most of now? Can't I just enjoy my sweet two year old and how he dances down the hall pretending to be a monkey just because? Or how he ADORES his big brother. Can't I just treasure my five year old and how she pronounces so many words wrong because they are so big! And her giggle! It is so precious. Then my nine year old. His rapture over starting a worm farm is seriously the more sweetest thing ever. His joy over saving them scraps of food, his tender affection for these little worms.... His cup has been overflowing....over worms. And today my eleven year old ~ She had come up with this crazy idea to throw a lunch for all the teachers in her school and it was sort of ridiculous but in the end it happened and I got to be there while her group was getting everything set up. They were so happy and so so proud of this moment. They took such care in arranging the cheese and how the knives and forks were placed and they had to stay and watch everyone eat because it brought them such joy that they were a part of this giving. I wish I could explain it better but it wasn't complicated. It was just them having this chance to serve and give and in some ways it was like they were little again.
   I have lost so much time being tired. My hormones have  taken such a tole on me. I grieve this! I have to. It was so hard.  I am so grateful that right now I have this chance to enjoy these moments because I can see them for what they are. When I am old I want to have enjoyed the precious moments as often as I could. I want to have rejoiced with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. I want to have given so much of myself and I want to see into my children's hearts and love the light shining from their eyes. I feel like I am not even able to articulate what I am trying to say but hopefully when I read this in later years...I will know what I mean and I will feel like I have done what I hoped to do. xo

Happy Wednesday

   Well...guess who just walked into my house and shocked the socks off me? My husband!!!!! He is due home Friday afternoon sometime for the weekend and then away again for next week. I was so happily surprised. I really wished he was home today because I was so tired and even though it was a great day I think I just mentally wanted to have him home and he is!!!! So I am headed out to do a work out and dinner is on the stove. I just need to make a Greek Salad for thirty people, make a dessert for my other children's teacher's birthday tomorrow and get everyone their dinner and to bed and then pick up my oldest and help my hubby with homework and I have accomplished another day!

  Today my key worker came over...my angel really...and we went over how everyone in the family was doing and I met her about a year ago and we just marveled how EVERYTHING has changed so dramatically! One year can change so much for the good and vice versa. It was an emotional conversation. Seriously...if you are going through a time where you are SO SO SO tired....all I can say is ~ hang on, hang on tight!' Call on your supports and give yourself all the grace in the world...because it will not last forever. It might last for a very long time, but it will not last forever (if this tiredness is because of children anyway :) and when you are getting good quality sleep everything in the world changes. Another thing that changes A LOT of things is self esteem and taking care of yourself. In the last couple months my husband and I have been working hard on our self esteem and not even on purpose it just sort of naturally happened. My husband got a new job that we dreamed really really big for. I started working out and changed our families diet and because of that I have more energy and capabilities for change. Before this I had been in such a deep pit of exhaustion for about nine years, bad eating was the norm and I had such low capabilities but still I accomplished much more than just the basics, it was just so much effort and I cried or felt emotionless A LOT. I gave all I had all the time but I realize how little I had to give and how giving out of emptiness hurts so much.

   So right now if you are giving out of emptiness...I so get it and I hurt for you. I hope a time comes soon where someone pours into you and sees you and helps you so you can keep on. Don't give up.  Each step you take is getting you somewhere and you are amazing!
xo

Hamburgers and Ham Sandwiches and Remembering Grade Seven

    I just got home from ballet. It was so good tonight! I am getting stronger and so I can plie and and demi plie (my apologies if I am spelling this very wrong) and attempt other moves with more confidence it seems and I like that feeling. I am also going to be in the recital again this year so I am excited for my children to see that again. Anyway I got home and my sweet little eleven year old was wide awake not able to sleep. Why you ask? Well let me tell you. She, along with another group of children in the school has planned a lunch for all the teachers in the school.  I dont really know how many teachers there are. The school is not that large but lets say there are about thirty staff they are planning to feed. They planned a lunch with Greek Salad, Caesar Salad, Hamburgers with all the fixings, Brownies I believe, and I think this was to be a BBQ. Anyway she came home and told me of this plan and she was on Greek Salad duty. I almost choked because that much Greek Salad is not going to come cheap (she very honestly thought she was doing me a favor however as she assumed baking was much more expensive) and I had to find time to run out and buy it as I had already grocery shopped for the week, and then I groaned for the parents who were selected to buy the meat! It turns out that the parents selected are not going to buy the meat because of the said unexpected and unrealistic expectations of the grade sevens and grade eights, and so now sandwiches are on the menu. However how could I forget grade seven!!!! Grade seven where EVERYTHING is drama and the end of the world. Like calling a boy on the phone (not one that you have a crush on or anything just to inform him of changes of plans) or changing a hamburger BBQ to sandwiches and salad, or cleaning your room and the list goes on. I tend to get all mean and crazy trying to tamp down the drama but MY OWN PRECIOUS grade seven year filters back and I remember it oh so clearly, and then I shut my mouth.
  I was just entering the world of school again after homeschooling since grade three AND I was entering grade SEVEN half way through the year to boot. Grade seven is not the most graceful year to start school. Anyway I did it and the drama in that classroom that year was high. We had a sweet male teacher who was single and young and the poor man didn't know what to do sometimes. All the girls would be in a royal battle ~ usually two groups pitted against each other (this was small private school). I usually would be trying to negotiate between the two sides never having really dealt with this before being so sheltered homeschooling and all, but it never worked. Somehow our teacher would be drawn into it and sometimes he would break down and sob. The poor poor man. He didn't have a chance. I remember bawling over Math homework and my mom calling the teacher about it because she couldn't handle my drama and him telling me for heavens sake's just not to do it. He probably thought I was having a nervous break down and I probably did as well...it was Math child, much worse was coming!
   I remember a project I did with another girl....she didn't not have the same standard of excellence I had...so tension rose high and I ended up in hysterical tears on the phone in the school office to my mom. My poor mom....what the heck was she to do? Anyway she did what needed to be done and the girl and I had the much needed conversation where we were both in tears and the project was eventually finished and we got a grade I deemed fit. The drama was so high though, so so high!!!.
   SO we'll see how THIS saga goes. Will there be BBQ'd hamburgers on Thursday due to girls losing their minds over the fact that sandwiches are just not acceptable and they have already told the teachers they are getting a BBQ? Or will by some miracle logic appear and empathy in realizing this completely unexpected cost tossed on us poor parents with two days notice is not exactly fair. I have a feeling there will be quite broken hearts and ham sandwiches served....and that we will all live to see the light of Friday...which is a pro D day...enough time for them to recover and heal before grade seven resumes on Monday.
  Lord help us one and all...being eleven is the end of the world.

I've Been A Little Distracted

   I haven't been blogging lately all that much. I be ya miss me don'tcha. I have a reason ~ My husband got a new job in August. It was one that he had applied for a couple months before (a dream job for him but seemingly impossible to attain) and we thought he had not gotten it but lo and behold he did!! It is exciting for us but right now he is in the midst of training. This has translated into a month and a half of him being out of town on the weekdays. Having four children with him home in the evenings is still a lot of work and when he isn't it feels like I can't stop moving in order to keep everything going. The children are more anxious, busy, and intense when he is gone and I am more emotionally spent then usual. I am finding the evenings are needing to be used for catching up on laundry or picking up toys and then collapsing on the couch to watch a show ~ which means no creative energy for writing. We also have gone through the transition of starting school while he is away so it is a double whammy. Another big change is that we have completely changed our way of eating. We have cut out all grains and dairy (besides butter and hard cheeses) and are eating nuts, meat, fruit, honey and eggs. I am sure there is more things we eat but I dont remember right now. It has meant hours more in the kitchen for me...but I could go on and on about how much different my children are ~ oh and myself! It is exciting. I am losing weight, feeling way less brain fogged and overwhelmed ~ and I like it! We have been eating this way for a month now and since we are pretty much through our crazy sugar withdrawl stage and getting into more of the cleansing stage it is pretty awesome. SO...with the cooking, cleaning, nursing, driving and all the other things...until my husband gets back...I can't write much. I hope you are doing well. xo

This is me a couple years ago and it is how I am hoping to feel again in the next year or so....a bit more rested, a bit healthier and slimmer, and having more time for my appearance :) Goals....I am slowly getting there.

The Country Fair 2016

   This weekend we went to one of our favorite places, and that was the fall fair. Actually I am not sure if it is actually one of OUR favorite places but it sure is mine. I grew up going to this fair and was in this parade when I was little. Since my oldest has been about seven my mom has made sure my daughter had a chance to enter things in this fair. She has always won prizes and it has been great for her self esteem and creativity! Thank you mom!

   We start the day by attending the parade. Some years it has been quite warm and we are in tank tops but this year it was totally pouring. It wasn't misting, or raining it was pouring. However where we live this is something we are usually relatively prepared for so off we went. We did get quite wet (the adults) but the children were fine. This parade always makes me tear up. I think because there is so much community spirit and it is reminds me of times past. This fair has been going on for more than one hundred years. A little bit or a heck of a lot of rain does not dampen spirits all that much! The Legion band was marching along playing faithfully shivering in their uniforms covered in medals. The floats were creative, pumpkin themed and incredible. I think of my grandparents and the many years they stood and waved and cheered or were IN the parade, my mother and her siblings were in this parade. I love it!

                                                       This is a steam powered tractor.

  My two year old is really into 'sheens' right now (machines) so this absolutly thrilled his little soul and his father's big soul as well.

  I did not take many pictures of the parade because of the pouring rain and I did not bring my 'good' camera. It would have been ruined!

  This is one of my daughter's entries. She made pumpkin latte muffins and they were delicious if you like coffee. Apparently the judges did.

  People's creativity just blows me away. When I am in the building where everyone has entered their best vegetables, their photography, their crafts, baking, preserving, and all other creations I can just feel the pride and happiness that fills the air and I love it!

  My daughter made the outfit this doll is wearing and she also did her hair. She got second against two other dolls who were both sporting hand knit and crochet outfits. I am so proud of her :)

  I love the random things you can enter ~ this for example is a collection of tea cups put together in a beautiful way. You can also enter trash crafts, wood work, stone work, pottery, flower arrangements and the list goes on ~ if you make a bathing suit in this next year you can enter it in this fall fair!!

  This was incredible. Imagine having the time and vision to create this. It got a special nod as you can see by the ribbon. It is a rug and it was amazing!!!!

                                       My children loved these. I thought they were so adorable.

                                     If you grow herbs and would like to enter them...you can.

 Seriously my happy place is this fair. I wanted to stay all day. My family has to drag me out of this building every year.

                                                When you are two nothing seems impossible.

  It was a special day. We don't have a lot of traditions in our family and so I am thankful we have managed to keep up with this one. My baby got to go on his first 'train' ride and he was SO thrilled. The other children go to go on another ride their grandma and my oldest sponsored from her winnings. We ate lunch in the animal barn because it was dry in there and watched some 4H ers show their bunnies.

  If you haven't been to a fall fair before you should go. It means you have to slow down and enjoy simple things. We were on the train with a big city fellow and he was less than impressed. He didn't realize the heritage, the richness, the beauty of times of old where communities got together and showed off their skills, their hard work, the best of their talents, their prize animals and machinery...and took time to celebrate. At night when we went to pick up my daughter's doll and cupcakes people were hard at work cleaning up the building. Volunteers spend hours giving so kindly. Folk were gathered around and a little auction was started. A prize purple cabbage, pumpkin loaf and flower arrangement went for seven dollars. The beer garden was pumpin out the tunes and the rain had died down a bit. The animals were home safe in their beds recovering from the strain of their day in the public eye and faithful 4H parents were finally dry!

I was happy to get home too at last. The day was long and I was so tired but thankful again for heritage, beauty, harvest and the Fall Fair.

A Happy Mother's Heart

  What makes a mother's heart happy? I dont know about you but today my heart was happy. It was just one of those days where everyone was feeling good inside. My husband has been gone going on three weeks. He is home on the weekends but they go by quickly and the children have been missing him. School started last week and there have been some changes and I feel like often someone is off and struggling a bit because there are a good amount of someones in this house! So today we got everyone off to school without any drama. That made my heart happy. The sun was shining. I headed off to Costco with the baby and lately taking him shopping has not been fun. He wants to walk (and not stay in the cart) and do his own thing and excerpt his twoness mostly in the grocery store. Today I found out that Costco does not open till ten...which was annoying, but since we got there at 9:30 we had time to have a little cuddle and chat and he was angelic in the store. We were able to stop by a friends house on the way home because he was happy in the car and he was so cute there. He bounced in so happy and confident and sweet. We had a visit and then headed to drop off our groceries and he was perfect in the car again!! Lately that has been an issue as well. He helped me unload the groceries chatting about how strong he was lugging his bag of almonds. Then we had to go pick up the two middle siblings and he did not whine in the hot van. We picked them up and headed home and when we got there instead of the begging and begging for food that drives me up the wall ( I feel like I feed them all day) they went and played a game WITH the baby and everyone was happy until we picked up my oldest!!! I just had time to do dishes, clean, drink water and I didn't have anyone whining or screaming or fighting. It was amazing. When we picked up the oldest she had a friend come over and they happily baked and the other children played again. I guess it was a day where I didn't have a lot of demands put on me and I was so happy to see them happy, calm, content and feeling safe. I went to ballet in the evening and came home to everyone asleep. I am loving that since September has come and we have done some major changes to our diet everyone seems to be able to fall asleep at a decent time and I have an evening again...for the first time in two years. So today my heart was happy and it was my mother's heart. I can't explain it well but I am so thankful for it.
 
  I hope you are having days like that in your life. There are just days where we need to feel filled with joy and for me they are not often. I struggle with feeling down and sorry for myself often and so having a happy day was amazing just amazing. May you have amazing days as well!!!! xo

Rest and Peace

   A field of animals lying down chewing their cud in silence in the light of a September morning. The grass a brilliant green, the sky alight and the clouds fringing the horizon. Mountains glorious in their stillness and all seems still. I am exploring rest and peace today and its the perfect canvas for it. The sun is free to fill every corner with light. Cars on not so constant here and so the quiet is broken by a thump as an apple descends from lofty heights, the breeze rustles leaves still green above me, a disgruntled insect buzzes, the slap of a tail swatting flies, the hum of the electric fence, the trill of a bird ~ all of it is the melody of peace today. On a day like today the spirit of peace blankets nature, it is the aroma of where I am, it is the essence.
 
  I want to snuggle in to the warm side of a resting cow pretending flies wont bite me. I want to lope along with the coyote I see far off in the distant field of planted trees. I want to climb up into the ancient gnarled apple tree to be closer to the sky or capture the beauty and strength of a stalk of corn. I want to sit in the middle of it all, sink down amidst it and just be ~ like I used to years ago when I was a child. I am filled with gratitude that parts of me long for this, are filled by this. It can be easy to forget in the ebb and flow of all life brings and takes, but rest is here. Rest comes in with peace and beauty to bestow. I am thankful for this life, and this self awareness, and these choices.

Giving Yourself Permission To Rest

  When was the last time you felt really rested? I dont mean that you slept for a decent amount of time, or you watched a movie or was on your phone for a couple hours, or where you sat on the couch for a little break...I mean actually felt rested? Do you even know what that means? I feel like there are some people and societies that are just more restful. They have been taught the goodness, the beauty, of restfullness and self nurture and so they just innately practice it. Here in our society there is this restlessness, this anxiety that drives us to a place where resting, feeling rested, is foreign and tainted with guilt. Not everyone struggles with this of course and we are a people that struggle with self control and lazieness but resting...that is a whole different kettle of fish.

  Have you ever stopped to think what would help you feel rested? For many it is physcially leaving their everyday life, their house and work, and getting away for a while to somewhere different. Somewhere that ministers to them in some way. We all have souls that need to be blessed and often we are doing the opposite because in some sick way it feels better. We can be exhausted in every way ~ mentally, physically, spiritually, and so hungry for rest, but we feel that we should push harder, try more, give more, and our state is grave.

  I have been thinking of friends, of myself, looking around me at people and wishing for us to be able to be okay with rest. To give ourselves permission to take time ~ to slow it down ~ to enjoy beauty ~ and to feel peace wash over us and for our hearts, minds, eyes, all of us, to be at peace, to be filled with rest.

  Each day melts into another or collides into each other. They never stop. When we keep thinking that something will change tomorrow, or next month, or whenever we tell ourselves that rest will magically come...it wont.

  Rest is a choice we have to make, there are specific actions we need to take, we have to stop wishing or thinking that it will just come to us or that someone else will make it happen. We need to teach it to our next generation and share the concept with the generation before. Years ago Sunday was a day where businesses were closed and people rested. The shift to every day being a work day has not helped us.

  So today might be a good day to think about how you feel rested. What helps you feel at peace, what helps you feel calm and safe and happy. Consider if you feel you deserve rest and if you dont why not? What is driving you to be who you are and do what you do. Self awareness often brings about change and a greater sense of understanding and peace just in itself. Resting will help ~ It will help in all sorts of ways on all sorts of levels. It will open doors to feelings, thoughts, emotions that have been pushed down and ignored in the distractions that this life offers. Rest ~ another cry of our heart.

  xo

First Day Back

  Well we made it through the first day of school which really translates into a morning of intenseness for a couple hours of school and then home to try to come down off the anxiety train....because the first day of school here for most schools it is very short.

   I am not sure what my two year old's issue was but as we were trying to get my oldest out the door he cried continually. I wanted to be out of my PJ's at least the first day so I was trying to reason with him and get ready at the same time while making sure my oldest had had breakfast, followed some basic hygiene and had all her stuff packed up, AND make it to her school's ribbon cutting ceremony. We did make the ceremony but it was not an easy task. Thank the good Lord my sister was home and was able to keep the three youngest or we would not have made it to school on time at all.  I rushed my oldest to school, stood through the ceremony, got her settled in a desk and left her smiling! Check. mark for me, heck I get a gold star ~ Then rushed home to get the next two to their little 'school'. That proved harder than I thought as they both had cold feet about it and I had to eat something and they both wanted second breakfasts. Then everyone had hair done, teeth brushed, semi clean clothes and the baby decided to dirty his diaper. We were half an hour late for their school. After getting them settled which was easier than I hoped I took my baby on a little walk. It was one of our first walks just the two of us. He held my hand and noticed leaves on the ground, puddles and blackberries and it was a special little moment before we headed off to my mom's then back home, then to pick up my oldest then to pick up the two middles, then to run errands and oh my word....I was so tired by the end of the day. When I got to my mom's she reminded me it was my 13th wedding anniversary! My husband had headed out of town at 5:30am and even though I got up to say goodbye neither of us remembered. The morning was so hectic it never crossed my mind and if I had not seen my mom I would not have remembered all day!!!! I did remember it was ballet class that night though.

    I didn't want to go. I don't even have words as to why. I just didn't. I knew I SHOULD though and thankfully a friend called just before I had to leave and told me to get my butt there. So I did and it was awesome. We did so many plie's and demi plie's and thankfully I had been working out all summer and my legs felt so strong. That was encouraging and made me want to go back again next week.  My feet on the other hand are so stiff it is painful and I am doubtful I will ever have an amazing turn out BUT it was good. I discovered my pirouette's are just as bad as last semester and I am okay with that. The miracle though was that when I got home all the children were basically in bed. I got the baby settled and had time to do laundry and dishes and watch a show and all without anyone crying or any drama. It was peaceful and I was thankful.

   If you had little ones heading back to school I hope it was a good experience and you got some sleep last night! The transition is not that easy and my oldest had a very hard time sleeping. However all three children came home very happy after school and that was lovely. My five year old got in the car annoucing they were going to have an ant farm this year and they were going to be picking up poo, and my nine year old laughing hysterically corrected her saying it was a worm farm and they were going to use the poo for the garden! Her attention to detail is hilarious.
 
  How did your second morning go? My oldest was throwing up as I was trying to work out in the back yard! Everyone was up at about 6:30 which is very rare for us...well it probably has basically never happened so I had the baby watching Paw Patrol so he wasn't screaming for me the entire time, but then she was puking...  We made it through that and she did end up going to school around lunch time because she felt fine and didn't want to miss anything. I found a boquet of thirteen red roses on my doorstep in the afternoon which was SUCH a surprise! My husband got them delivered  for our anniversary and they arrived one day late which was nice because it feels like it is anniversary week or something! I have been trying to keep the house clean today because it helps me feel a bit more at peace but it is a challenge! We get through though one day at a time.
Love to all,
Tansy

Twelve Years

  I had decided that writing this wouldn't matter all that much and that I wouldn't write it. However as the day has gone on I feel like I should.

  Twelve years ago today I felt blood run down my legs and I started losing my first baby. I had been pregnant for nine weeks. It might sound like a short amount of time but for all of those nine weeks I had known I was pregnant. Nine weeks is a long time. Sometimes you find out you are pregnant and you lose the baby the next day or two days later and no matter the time frame your heart is still just as shattered and you lose a piece of yourself forever. On Tuesday is my thirteen year wedding anniversary. So three days before our one year anniversary of marriage something started that would change the course of my life forever and would impact me more deeply than most other things. I had no idea the horror that was in store for me and for my heart and soul and yet when I felt that blood run down my legs my heart sank and I felt a deeper fear than I had ever felt before. Today I woke up and there are special people celebrating their births. I am so grateful for the treasures that they are and today I remember losing my little Treasure.

  I know that my life is lovely. My life is honestly too beautiful to ever describe fully and I know that all to well. My life is a gift. Yet it doesn't mean that my journey has been perfect and painless and who's has.

  Today I shed tears, I went out and bought myself a boquet of flowers and a dress and I thought about what my life might have been like if I hadn't had a miscarriage, gone through cancer and chemo, hadn't had to do all the things I had to do because of what happened. I think about those that journeyed with me through that time, all the people who rushed to my side, who carried me. I think about the moments I lay crumpled on the floor moaning in agony and the times I almost literally died of blood loss. I think about skin yellow with chemo and my heart shattering over and over again, I think about waking up to my hair falling out in handfuls, I think about the kindness of strangers and friends and family. I think about so many things on this day.

  It is important sometimes to remember. To look back at how far you have come. To let yourself feel the loss and the sadness and to celebrate who you are now. I look at my house filled with amazing souls that I have been gifted to nurture and love, I look at my husband who has come so far, and I look at myself and I am amazed by it all.

Yet I miss my baby. I miss her.

xo

You Are Not Forgotten

  I think each of us at some point in life has felt unnoticed and like we are not really known. It may have been by our parents, our friends, our siblings, our children, our teachers, our bosses, our spouse or significant other..and there is God...maybe you feel like He has forgotten you exist...there have been days where you wake up and are lying in bed and it just doesn't feel like getting out of it has any point at all. It feels like no one will notice if you dont get up or they wont notice for the right reasons.

  This might not be true at all. It may be that we are cared for by many many people, or a handful of people, or just one person but sometimes we need to switch our thinking. We are cared for by someone. If we feel we are truly alone in the world...why is this? How can we reach out and where can we reach out? I hear my five year old say things like, 'Why am I the ONLY ONE IN THIS FAMILY who's hat wont stay on!!!!' Why am I the ONLY ONE IN THIS FAMILY who has to eat dinner!!!' and I think that is often how I feel. Why am I the ONLY ONE IN THIS WORLD that feels like this. Why am I so sad so often, why does this heaviness pervade, why am I the ONLY ONE....

    and I am an adult so I have the capacity to realize I am NOT the only one. I have also learned that thoughts are just thoughts and there are ways to take them captive. However that is not easy...nope not at all. Sometimes its like a runaway train up there, a really big one, and the brakes have failed and its headed somewhere bad. There is a crashing point somewhere right? I've got to be more responsible for myself. I've got to have those brakes working well and the tracks in good shape so that when the train needs to stop, and stop fast, it will.
  My thoughts have held me captive many a time. I reflect on the sad past, I think about how people in my life are suffering, I think about the world, I think about relationships in my life and I just start hearing lies lies lies and I let them sink in.
  Today is a good day to stop the train. Today is a good day to get up and get out of bed and to open up the windows of the soul. It needs fresh air, a little rain, some sunshine and sometimes a good airing out so it can breathe deep and light can chase out the darkness.

Here is the TRUTH

   You are a treasure and if you really want to be known you have to know who you are and why you are who you are. You need to love who you are and soften your spirit so that others can connect with you. You are worth relationships, you are worth healing, you are worth beauty and laughter, you are worth all the good this world is offering with an open hand. Sometimes it may feel that there is no good in the world but there always is. The ugliness and pain does not need to rule you with its iron fist. You may need to walk through the journey of pain, but stand strong and take hold of all the good there is being offered through the pain and tell the lies and darkness to leave you NOW. You are not the only one. You really are not. You are here for many precious reasons. You have worth and value and beauty and you are known. You are noticed  ~ YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN.
Bless you dear one
xo


 

September Has Arrived

Happy September!!!!!

We had some friends over this last little bit and this is a friend I have known since I was eight years old. Our children have known each other since birth as well and they have so much fun when they are together. My oldest got up and with the help of the two children closest to her age they cooked up delicious breakfasts each morning and that was fun. We also went on a little adventure to one of my favorite places...I just posted pictures because I love them and I hope you enjoy them as well.

I love my daughter's little touches that she does to the table. I love the red bowl the fruit is in, the flowers, the plates and the cutlery rolled in napkins and the morning light is miraculous.

                           Here she is hard at work. She had everyone wearing aprons and taking part.

                                      They made breakfast for nine without blinking an eye.

                     I have kept this banner up since my sister's baby shower. I love it so much.

These two spent many happy hours playing together and it did both of their mothers good to see that.

                                                        Off on our little adventure.

                      This is my grandma. She wrote poetry and she has her own little display here.

                       He is pushing his sister who had hurt her foot quite badly. What a big boy.

                                           In his happy place loving these chickens :)

                                                             I love this picture :)

These two did well together. I was not sure how my little two year old would be towards another two year old but he managed to share without too many breakdowns.

It was a lovely visit and now home went our friends to start school for the very first time. They have always homeschooled so life will be changing a bit for them! We are here waiting for daddy to get back. The days are long without him. xo