I Guess I am Thirty Four

   I had this moment a while ago that perfectly summed up how my life has been for a long time. I was lying in the dentist chair and they were telling me some sad news about the state of my teeth. In the midst of this quite horrible conversation they asked me my age. My mind came up with nothing. I mean I knew I had entered into the land of the thirties but after that it escaped me. I had no idea if I was thirty three or thirty four and although I could remember the date of my birth my brain also would not do any mathematical type equations for me at that moment. They looked at me askance and let me know I was thirty four and then asked me if I knew my children's birthdates. I just sort of looked at them and said, 'Really, right now it doesn't matter. I am exhausted and most of the time I can't even formulate words. It has been like this for a long time. I still cringe at my seeming stupidity but I cling to the hope that one day I will feel somewhat intelligent again.' I was fighting back tears as I said it. They backed off a bit and I probably gave them a bit of something to chat about during their lunch break.
   Honestly though I have not been able to remember SO MANY LITTLE THINGS for so long or so many big things. The simplest word escapes me and I have entered into the zone where I get my children's names confused. That did not happen till I had four names to remember, which is happy, but at number four she threw in the towel and that was it, now my children are used to being called a mix of all the beginnings of their names before they actually get called the right name, if they get called the right name at all. Why write about this? Haha, I dont know. The memory just came back to me today and the children were quiet so I sat down and started hammering it out.
   It is just one of those weird things that happen when you become a mother. Something I never thought about or wondered what it would be like. I just assumed my parents maybe were a little slower than some or who KNOWS what I thought when they would mix up all our names and when they seemed tired and couldn't form sentences. It happens to us all....us parents!!!!! It still to this day sometimes hits me that I am a mother, that I am in charge of all these children; and I stand back and feel amazed! But it is true and even though I may not remember their birthdates right off the top of my head and I mix up all their names every day and I am not sure how old I really am...I've got this most days. Being chronically exhausted is sick. It is awful. It is dark and yet you keep going and have these moments where you look back and remember sitting in the dentist chair all eyes on you while you feel like a fool and you feel compassion. Sweetie you were so tired. I mean even though they were telling me this grim reality about my teeth and asking me these really hard questions I was lying down and I wasn't nursing anyone and no one was nestling into my body and that was enough for me. It was hellish and bliss all in one!
  Alright back to a rainy day over here with all children home. We shall see what we get done today. My husband is writing a big exam right now...I am hoping and praying it goes well for him and excited to have him home for the weekend. xo