Twelve Years

  I had decided that writing this wouldn't matter all that much and that I wouldn't write it. However as the day has gone on I feel like I should.

  Twelve years ago today I felt blood run down my legs and I started losing my first baby. I had been pregnant for nine weeks. It might sound like a short amount of time but for all of those nine weeks I had known I was pregnant. Nine weeks is a long time. Sometimes you find out you are pregnant and you lose the baby the next day or two days later and no matter the time frame your heart is still just as shattered and you lose a piece of yourself forever. On Tuesday is my thirteen year wedding anniversary. So three days before our one year anniversary of marriage something started that would change the course of my life forever and would impact me more deeply than most other things. I had no idea the horror that was in store for me and for my heart and soul and yet when I felt that blood run down my legs my heart sank and I felt a deeper fear than I had ever felt before. Today I woke up and there are special people celebrating their births. I am so grateful for the treasures that they are and today I remember losing my little Treasure.

  I know that my life is lovely. My life is honestly too beautiful to ever describe fully and I know that all to well. My life is a gift. Yet it doesn't mean that my journey has been perfect and painless and who's has.

  Today I shed tears, I went out and bought myself a boquet of flowers and a dress and I thought about what my life might have been like if I hadn't had a miscarriage, gone through cancer and chemo, hadn't had to do all the things I had to do because of what happened. I think about those that journeyed with me through that time, all the people who rushed to my side, who carried me. I think about the moments I lay crumpled on the floor moaning in agony and the times I almost literally died of blood loss. I think about skin yellow with chemo and my heart shattering over and over again, I think about waking up to my hair falling out in handfuls, I think about the kindness of strangers and friends and family. I think about so many things on this day.

  It is important sometimes to remember. To look back at how far you have come. To let yourself feel the loss and the sadness and to celebrate who you are now. I look at my house filled with amazing souls that I have been gifted to nurture and love, I look at my husband who has come so far, and I look at myself and I am amazed by it all.

Yet I miss my baby. I miss her.

xo