Keep On Love

   This summer I should be pregnant. I should be waddling by now. I would be huge I know it. My legs and ankles would be swollen, and I'd be mostly laying in bed. I wouldn't be able to sleep because I never can by this stage of pregnancy and I would wish for a crane to help me roll over every single time I needed to. I'd be feeling grumpy and terrified at what was to come. Why? I have never had a calm easy baby. My babies need me every second after they are born, they have acid reflux and tongue and lip ties, they cry a lot, a lot, a lot, and I don't sleep for two years at least.
 
  However I am not pregnant. I lost a tiny tiny baby back in February. Now everyone that was due around September (I was due September 3rd but probably would have given birth late August) is starting to feel it a bit. It is July 1st tomorrow and they know their time is still a bit away but so so soon at the same time. Every day that ticks by I am not sure how to feel. I feel thankful that I am not in that exhausted huge stage. I am short in stature and my last baby was nine pounds so there is usually so many pounds hanging off my front. I feel thankful that I am not trying to wean my almost three year old (who is such a strong willed one) or trying to figure out how to get him to sleep in a big boy bed. There are other things as well that I will not go into. At the same time honestly I feel awful. My hair is falling out by the handful. My body is telling me many different ways how badly my hormones are doing. I so badly wish I wanted to be pregnant. I wish my body was healthier. I wish that my other experiences having babies hadn't been so incredibly hard. I wish my marriage was stronger so that when I was sick and pregnant and then overwhelmed with a new baby that I would be able to still give all I needed to. I love my children so much. I am so thankful for the gifts that they are. I would love to be able to have more children. However this is such a lonely life ~ motherhood. I am not strong enough to give to the world in order to have worth to others, and be a mother at the same time. It has come to a place where all I can handle is mothering and not mothering well. This season of life feels like it is ending me. I am not sure where to go from here. It will be interesting to see where this time of life takes me. Will I be able to manage? Will some peace come to me? Will the grief drain away? Will somehow I make it through? I have to.

  I hope that if you are struggling right now you do not feel alone. I hope there are people that really see YOU. I hope you have people that find you worthy even in a season where you have nothing to give. I hope that as you grieve you find healing and love that is far deeper than you ever have felt before. You are precious you know that? You are beautiful, you are not all darkness.  Keep on love xo

More On The Broken Way

Good morning and welcome,
 I am reading a book called The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp and am on chapters five and six. I have been blogging as I have been slowly making my way through this book. It has a lot of richness to it hence the slow reading pace. I am usually a quick intense reader. I speed read and don't pick up all the details. Not this time...this book could be read over and over and new truths picked out every time. So here are some things that I underlined as I read:

 'Smiling at anyone is to awe at the face of God. And "the beauty of the world is Christ's tender smile coming to us through matter."'

 She writes about it being her birthday and she and her family go out into their town and spend a day doing many random acts of kindness. She talks about how it fills up her empty aching soul the giving does.

She writes....'I can feel it like the slightest sense of a suturing along raw and ragged scar lines. Maybe our suffering and brokenness begin a kind of healing when we enter into the suffering and brokenness of the world, right through the brokenness and givenness of Christ. And these acts of kindness, gifts of grace, they start a cascade of grace to fill a multitude of canyons in a hurting world. Maybe there is no such thing as a small act of giving. Every small gift of grace creates a love quake that has no logical end.'

'Hand over your whole self. Your whole broken self. Givenness. Because this is far easier than pretending to be whole and not broken. There is a strange sense of surrender happening, a surrender in all things. The heart has to be broken and plowed and resown if it's going to yield. The change must go deeper than the surface. This is only the beginning. 

' Why do you people always say it's about having a strong belief in God? Who sits with the knowing that God's belief in you is even stronger than yours in Him?

'The moment God stops believing in me, He'd have to stop believing He is enough. How do we believe in Jesus in a way that Jesus believes in us?'

'God believes in us through our brokenness. '


  The way I grew up felt broken in many ways. I entered adulthood feeling shakey at best. I was not sure who I wanted to be, who I was, but I wanted to do what was right. I have always tried to follow God, believe in His goodness, and figure out what I needed to to continue on that path. I have been broken so many times over. Not often comfortable or at ease. I have felt like the brokenness and the suffering were cruel and that any tiny little bit of anything that I had was being taken away more and more. I still often feel that way. However in feeling that now there is not an anger just a acceptance. I want my heart to yield something beautiful. I want to make a difference for my children's future in what I can teach them and be for them now, because they are the first branches of my husband and my family tree. We are the roots and trunk of the tree and we have been accosted by many storms. We have almost fallen, broken, been uprooted. However we started our marriage by making a covenant before God. There is a lot of sacred power in that. He believes in us, He brought us together. He has brought us down this broken way day by day, step by step, and the more we have been broken the brighter His light has shone into our hearts. Illumination.

Have a lovely day ~
Love Tansy

A Lovely Walk

  There is a bit of a heat wave going on here which is awesome! However that means there are mosquitoes in our area and they are intense. We have been a bit housebound. The weekend was pretty quiet but last night we went for a walk as a family up on a mountain and it was cool, mosquito free, and absolutely beautiful. We took scooters up for the children, and my six year old bailed pretty badly almost immediately, but other than that we had a lovely time. We would love to live up here one day.

                                              This is my sister who lives with us.

We came back down to a beautiful sunset, heat, mugginess and mosquitoes and we were refreshed and felt happy.

A Little Corner of My Bedroom

  The bedroom I currently share with my two year old is one of the roomiest I have ever had and its the first with a bathroom which is pretty great. I wanted to share a couple pictures of one corner of my bedroom. These pictures are once again a collection of treasures from two sisters Em and Liv. I adore this corner of my bedroom and you'll soon see why...

I have this mobile custom made for me by Liv...@http://www.thehappyislander.ca/
 

        I also have this print given to me by Emily painted by http://www.katiedaisy.com/ 
 

This mobile reminds me of Hornby Island which is a place I love but also reminds me of the time I lived on Vancouver Island during my formative childhood years. Every time I go back to the island it feels like home and I feel at peace. I so appreciate that a little corner of my room is dedicated to this reminder.

Have a lovely Monday ~ xo Tansy

What's Been On My Mind

  Happy Sunday! It is a HOT day here. This feels like the first summer in a while I am not pregnant or breastfeeding every fifteen minutes. My legs are not all swollen and aching and honestly I am just finding a lot to be thankful for in this heat! Usually I am pretty overwhelmed and suffering and maybe after a week to two I'll be more done but right now I am just thankful for the fact that I can handle it a lot better than usual.
   I have been thinking about different things lately like joining Instagram and assessing my internet addiction and how it is doing right now....Also about the fact that joining Instagram has made me realize just how many things I have that I adore (and want to take pictures of) and how many of those things are from friends. I am so blessed. I have also thought about how I have a sense of decorating style and where that has come from and who has influenced it. And then this came up! My husband was talking about a motivational speaker he had been listening to the other day and he mentioned that you become like the five people you hang out the most with. I was sort of going over different conversations I had been having lately with people, how I am relating to people...and I realized I am hanging out with four children almost 24/7. Then my husband and sister come home and need me to listen to them talk about their day. All of this company is good. However I am realizing my listening skills are really starting to degenerate and that is because I am not being listened to all that much. My kids tend to tune me out so I speak loudly. I am interrupted over and over as I talk to them, I repeat myself so many times a day because they do not listen and I am falling into a victim mentality more often than not again. Taking time for self reflection has not been a focus. I have been overwhelmed with the end of school year stress as it was pretty intense this year. The children are done school but I still have multiple meetings for some of the children. I often feel alone in my parenting as my husband is pretty hands off during the week. His work is very intense and stressful and he doesn't have a lot of energy or time to help me with meetings, homeschool etc.
  All of this to say that I feel sad that I have become complacent and am feeling such a deep need to be heard. If you talk to me and I am talking loudly, repeating myself or making life about me me me, well now you know why. It is ridiculous but it is true...you become like who you hang out with.  You just can't help it. And right now I hang out with four children ranging in ages from twelve to two every day. It is going to be that way for a long time. So hopefully I can find a better balance soon.
  I hope you have a lovely week. For most people where I live it is their children's last week of school and then it is summer break. That means eight weeks or so of no school. Many people plan holidays and all sorts of fun doings for their children. For others like us it will mean happy simple days at home.
 Love Tansy

More Photos of Little Touches of Me Around My Home

   Growing up I didn't give much thought to my own style. I grew up in an old farm house surrounded by antiques my mother was given by my great grandfather. I always loved them and remember what they looked like clearly. My mom surrounded us with little treasures from Nature and so that has influenced my taste as well. As I have gotten older I have realized that I love going into people's houses and realizing bits and pieces about who they are based on their decor. I have dedicated just a bit of time to trying to provide that in my own home. I have been gifted many treasures and we live in a new home now and its' very essence draws out what I love and so here are a few pictures to show you what I mean.


 I love having fresh flowers but don't often purchase them for myself. This year my garden has faithfully provided many beautiful bouquets and my oldest loves to arrange them. This one however was given to me and arranged by a sweet friend.

                                                 My mom influenced my love for small vases.

This lamp was my grandmother's and the chairs are gifts from the previous owners of this house. I love this little corner in our living room!!

 I never knew how much I liked vintage tins until I saw some in a friends house. I had had a few from my grandma that I loved but didn't think to put on display and then one day I had a chance to go to a vintage tin sale at a house and the tins were $2.00 each. I found a few that I loved and now my heart is satisfied in the vintage tin department and somehow this house has provided the canvas for them to be displayed. I also love pottery and woven baskets :)

My husband installed this light for me in my living room. When my friend re did her 1970's era home she gave it to me and I adore it.

Here is my living room. My friend used to be a photographer and she has photographed my husband and I since we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Pretty much every picture I have in my home is from her and I love them so! Everything you see in this living room is such a mix of gifts from people.

                                                              Such a treasure!!

Old milk cans on my front porch from my husbands family dairy farm make me happy (and sad that those days are long gone).

A shell chandelier (another gift from the previous owners of this house) and my great grandpa's umbrella stand. All these touches mean so much to me!

Anything hand made I so appreciate...this blanket was hand made by a woman in Asia out of Yak wool. I sometimes imagine all the hours it took for her to design it, harvest and dye the wool and then weave it. I payed $40.00 for it and I feel it was worth so much more.

And so you see some of the things I have acquired over time...and mostly gifts...and all treasures.