Keep On Love

   This summer I should be pregnant. I should be waddling by now. I would be huge I know it. My legs and ankles would be swollen, and I'd be mostly laying in bed. I wouldn't be able to sleep because I never can by this stage of pregnancy and I would wish for a crane to help me roll over every single time I needed to. I'd be feeling grumpy and terrified at what was to come. Why? I have never had a calm easy baby. My babies need me every second after they are born, they have acid reflux and tongue and lip ties, they cry a lot, a lot, a lot, and I don't sleep for two years at least.
 
  However I am not pregnant. I lost a tiny tiny baby back in February. Now everyone that was due around September (I was due September 3rd but probably would have given birth late August) is starting to feel it a bit. It is July 1st tomorrow and they know their time is still a bit away but so so soon at the same time. Every day that ticks by I am not sure how to feel. I feel thankful that I am not in that exhausted huge stage. I am short in stature and my last baby was nine pounds so there is usually so many pounds hanging off my front. I feel thankful that I am not trying to wean my almost three year old (who is such a strong willed one) or trying to figure out how to get him to sleep in a big boy bed. There are other things as well that I will not go into. At the same time honestly I feel awful. My hair is falling out by the handful. My body is telling me many different ways how badly my hormones are doing. I so badly wish I wanted to be pregnant. I wish my body was healthier. I wish that my other experiences having babies hadn't been so incredibly hard. I wish my marriage was stronger so that when I was sick and pregnant and then overwhelmed with a new baby that I would be able to still give all I needed to. I love my children so much. I am so thankful for the gifts that they are. I would love to be able to have more children. However this is such a lonely life ~ motherhood. I am not strong enough to give to the world in order to have worth to others, and be a mother at the same time. It has come to a place where all I can handle is mothering and not mothering well. This season of life feels like it is ending me. I am not sure where to go from here. It will be interesting to see where this time of life takes me. Will I be able to manage? Will some peace come to me? Will the grief drain away? Will somehow I make it through? I have to.

  I hope that if you are struggling right now you do not feel alone. I hope there are people that really see YOU. I hope you have people that find you worthy even in a season where you have nothing to give. I hope that as you grieve you find healing and love that is far deeper than you ever have felt before. You are precious you know that? You are beautiful, you are not all darkness.  Keep on love xo