A Thankyou to Myself and Maybe You Need This Too

 All too often in the world I am in the multitude of tasks I do each day is not only taken forgranted but looked down upon. I start to feel really worn and in my world asking for help is sometimes scorned. If it sounds hard or demeaning or sad ~ quite simply it is. How do I combat this ~ for combat it I must ~

I sometimes thank myself and point out to myself the importance of these tasks and how they all add so much value to my family and my household.

So here is my list from the last twenty four hours:

Thank you for getting up through the night with your five year old who was having a hard time

Thank you for nursing the baby through the night

Thank you for getting the children ready for church in the morning

Thank you for scrubbing out the shower again

Thank you for putting laundry through the washer and dryer multiple times

Thank you for cleaning you room 

Thank you for washing dishes

Thank you for ordering Christmas gifts and for wrapping Christmas gifts

Thank you for taking the little ones for a walk in the sunshine.

Thank you for making lunch and dinner

Thank you for reading books to your five year old

Thank you for changing many diapers

Thank you for going through the babies clothes and saying goodbye to the ones that are too small

Thank you for organizing the diaper bag

Thank you for filling up the cat's food and water 

Thank you for remembering Advent 

Thank you for enjoying the sunset

Thank you for sitting down to dinner

Thank you 

Maybe today you also did a lot of tasks no one really saw. Maybe you need to take a moment and thank yourself. It matters I think. You are precious and important and amazing and you matter!

xo

Reflections

 I love to give gifts. I really do. I am an acts of service person and the process of a gift ~ the thinking about the person, who they are, what they might like, what might make their eyes sparkle for a moment, then finding it and giving it to them....it makes me feel like an authentic part of myself. 

Something I find now is that in this day and age where I live people have so so much. Their houses are overflowing. Gifts are not always needed or wanted. Gifts can be a burden. 

This Christmas as I go to my beloved craft fairs and look for treasures and I write long lists and think about what might not add to clutter, what might be a need, what might be a help, what won't just disappear into a closet to be thrown out later....I often wonder if other people care as much as I do about all this. I know they do, but I also think how this whole part of myself...so many parts of myself....care about so many small details that it's painful. 

Today I bought wooden candles and chocolate and dates and honey and t shirts and a cd and egg nog and tiramisu and all of these things were gifts. I have gifts sitting in my brain waiting to be found and given. I have gifts coming from the Ukraine and who knows where they are stranded as our postal service is on strike. I keep trying to find time to search out things in thrift shops and wishing I knew where to find certain items.

I care

I care

I care

And my body feels it.

Tonight I sat in a chair in the hospital and I watched my mother suffer. My face was numb and my body was tight. She wanted out. She wanted freedom. All my life I looked for a gift to make her feel better. I tried to find the perfect remedy, the right gift that would make her face light up. I wanted her to feel better so so SO much. Christmas reminds me of all the times I would try so hard but I never quite got it right.

This is what I have learned

The 'perfect gift' is precious and kind and it matters

Yet my heart as much as it cares can't change or heal anybody. 

This Christmas I will give the honey and the dates and the t shirts and the headlamps and the bathrobe and the CD's and the books and calendars and craft fair treasures and the list goes on

And guess what is in all those gifts

A bit of my heart and a lot of my love

I have learned the hard way....the gifts won't heal anyone, they won't take away pain, but they help me feel like I exist. The gifts help me feel like I haven't given up. My heart will ache this Christmas as it always does. My heart longs for my family to be healthy and happy and for the gifts to draw people in, to help them feel loved. I have grown up enough to step back, see it all, and know what this all is. My heart for those I love is to feel whole, safe, known, treasured, thought of, cared for and valued. However that is for them to choose and to find. 

Mother

Mother

I saw you dancing

Down the hallway of our house

The hallway was dingy 

And you shone with a light

I had not seen in you before.

I was thankful for that.

I have seen you filled with scripture

Overflowing with it

And I have seen you in beautiful homemade dresses

Your long hair cascading ~ a rich chestnut

Beautiful

I watched you knead bread

Work the earth in the garden

I watched you grow babies

You sang as you nursed 

You read us stories and gifted us riches

From those pages

You marvelled at the first Robin you spied in Spring

You loved flowers in each season

You wrote and drew and played guitar and sang

You cherished your friends

You wanted us to play music and dance and live

We learned to swim and to play sports

We sang in choirs and danced in recitals

You gave all you had to give and more

And yet

There was so much pain

And so much more pain

And it was a yawning chasm 

In the end 

That has overshadowed all

We feel the jagged edges of the lack 

And we don't know how to navigate 

You withered away

Always were withering

As you tried to gift us all you could

And we took what we could

And now, now, you are a shadow

That is almost gone

Your soul is barely a flicker

And I remember your light

I remember your joy

As you described the Lake District or the red sands of PEI

And your wonder at a Robins egg

And it's blue

Life is this tangled tapestry of deep grief

Of gut wrenching sorrow

Of the deepest longing for connection and safety

Of the grasping hands of need

Of joy joy joy

Generations came before you

And you made your choices

Mother of mine

Mother

Homeschool Year 2024

 I homeschool my children. Every year it feels like a burden I can't shake. I care so deeply about their education but them acquiring this education feels extremely complicated to me. My children all have various learning challenges. Dyslexia and ADHD and strong personalities seem to add up to learning not being this sit and learn situation. Every moment of homeschool life feels hard to me. It feels like a very large challenge I can't overcome. Each day I face with dread. It is really hard.

I remind myself ~ I have not signed up for an easy life.

I am not looking for an easy life.

I have such a deep deep fear of failing my children on all levels. Their educations matters so much to me and yet you can't force someone to learn! My oldest child graduated with honour from homeschool but had no desire for further education. 

My next child is going to graduate in May. It has been such a journey with him and most of it has been incredibly challenging. He has only attended Kindergarten in a brick and mortar school. I have not been alone on the journey and have had much support and amazing tutors along the way. This year, however, we have a tutor for  a mere two hours a week. This means that this last year of his education rests almost solely on my shoulders and I am buckling under the weight because I care so deeply. I want him to be able to not just tread water but swim with confidence, not just fall out of the nest but jump and fly with strength! These are choices he has to make and I often forget that. He is inching his way to the end though. He has an exam next week, and a first aid course next month, and the fact that he has the confidence to do either of these things is such a victory. He will graduate and there were times when this did not seem like it would be able to happen. This is going to be such a massive moment for both him and I. Right now though, October 2024, I am struggling. I am feeling like I can't make it to May. I will, I must, but homeschooling is hard. 

That's all

I also am homeschooling children in grade nine, grade seven, grade five and kindergarten and I have a nursing one year old.

What a year!

I am so so thankful that before this school year started I was in Germany being absolutely overcome with delight and beauty. 

May is going to be a very blessed month.

I can do hard things

I am doing hard things.

Go me

The Fall Fair 2024

 Tradition

When I was learning about healthy families one of the things that was said was that healthy families have traditions. Oh how I have longed to be a healthy family. It is not something I have been able to attain. However there have been things I have been able to implement that bring glimmers of health near and this tradition of attending the fall fair every year brings me such joy and hope too.

We go to the parade and then we go eat corn and chicken and go on rides. We go see all the things people  have entered and we visit the animals that the 4H kids bring. It is so simple and some years it is pouring rain and some years it is hot. I always feel close to my grandparents when I am there and often feel like they are going to come through the crowd to say hi. I clearly remember the last time I saw them at this fair. Every year I feel close to tears all through the day because I am so happy and it means the world to me.

This year my daughter brought her new husband and I had seven children at the fair with me. My sister and her family come as well and it is just a day that means so much. What a triumph, 

Choice

 How can we measure

All the good this life will bring us

And all the pain that is slung our way

We choose what we pick up

And what we put down

We choose to bathe in the joy

Or be drowned in the pain

Yet it does not feel this way at all

It feels like we are undone, overcome, and that choice is not with us

It feels like we are tossed to and fro

And that we are ruled by heartache or surprised by joy

Oh to have wings

So we could have some sort of ease

Up high in the blue

But here we are

Here we are

And all the good that life has brought us

Fills us full

And all the pain that it has brought us too

Darkens us

May we find rest

May we find healing

May we find strength in our choice

October

  Today the rain poured down, it flooded our road a ways down, forcing cars to navigate a bit more carefully than usual. I could hear it pounding on the roof and a lake slowly formed in the field across the road. Inside my house we were cozy and warm. Today this blessed me so deeply. Right now our house has a lot of mold in it. We have had unknown mold growing for years, leaks in windows inside walls that we did not know about, and the house has felt like a bit of an enemy to me. My husband is tearing most of our basement down to its bare bones. We need to seal all the pavement down there and hope we can get every trace of mold out. We need to make sure every window is sealed. It is a massive undertaking that we don't have time or energy for, but we must find it and we must do this. 

However, today our roof is not leaking (and it has in the past), and we had a day where we played stories on CD about history, and we filled books with photos, and the children played happily with all sorts of things and the house was a disaster and for once, for once, I was not overcome with anxiety. 

Anxiety is such a friend of mine. It is constantly trying to rescue me, to speak to me, to tell me that I need more than what I have. I hear it, I understand, I try to show it I am an adult and I will be okay. So often though my anxiety reverts back to a small girl who never knew if things were okay. It is so hard to be in my skin. The days when I just can be in my skin and I can smile and I can cope are such victory filled days. I still had anxiety but it did not take over. The rain poured down and I nursed the baby and I put away groceries and I processed laundry and I vacuumed and did all the mundane every day things I do day in and day out and it was okay. 

I am grateful for all the gifts of this day. We are never promised the next.

xo

Tansy