I remember the Spring after I was finished chemo so clearly. It had been such a dark time. A time where most did not understand what I was passing through and most couldn't bear to give me the space to be who I needed to be in that time. They all tried their best but it was too dark to understand. Those that were older, who had been through real darkness themselves knew, but it was the ones closer to my age that I wanted to feel understood by and I didn't. It was not their fault. It is just how life goes sometimes. So when Spring came and flowers and fresh leaves where rejoicing I felt a lifting of my Spirit and hope. I would do the drive to my work and see this one lone tree in the middle of a field arrayed with blossoms and I identified with that tree. No one had been able to cut it down...and I had managed to stay standing too.
I entered this last winter brimming with hope. Oh my word it was amazing. I had had such a wonderful late Summer and Autumn for all sorts of different reasons but my self esteem, energy, happiness levels, hormones, they were all doing well. Maybe that was why I felt like I could take on a move. It makes sense why it is hard to achieve balance often because when we feel good we over do it and when we feel bad we just don't do. So I took on a move. My husband obviously did as well. They say the stress levels of moving are up in the same category as losing a loved one. Tack renovating while living in the house onto that...and the stress levels are beyond toxic I think. My husband also started a new job that is taking almost every bit of him to do and with that and trying to manage renovating..... He is maxed. I guess selfishly I want to be done that part of life. I want to be in a place now where we are less strained and tired and can give more to each other. Silly me. I dont even know how to make that happen. Is it actions? A state of mind? Different priorities? I am not sure.
Then other things happened as well and I went through a very personal and heart wrenching loss.
So in the end here I am and it is Spring. I am grieving. And I am completely unashamed of my grief. I am okay with the fact that I feel sad. I am okay with the fact that I am low on energy and feel depressed. I am okay with the fact that my children might not be getting all of me that they should be because there is not all of me to give. Haha, I wish I actually was, but I feel ashamed.
The hardest part of all this is that often I have felt like I am walking a path of grief. I am highly sensitive and many things bother me more than maybe it would others. I walk through different processes slowly. I am often overwhelmed and always always lacking sleep. Others maybe look at my life and think I am ridiculous. Maybe I am but this is what I can do for now. I have so often felt such a sense of shame at how little I can do compared to most. How I feel like such a disaster with children who are not able to look perfect and clean and neat and do all the things it seems other children are capable of doing....but that is me and this is us. When I had a taste of rising above that a couple months ago it was intoxicating and just good ~ to come back to this place has been especially hard.
So this time once again Spring and all its beauty means more. I have to hold on to hope. I am treasuring the huge amounts of joy my children add into my life. The flowers mingled with grass in my front yard delight me. I am glad to be HERE on this property for this chapter in time. I know as always I will get through, one foot in front of the other, here at my house with my children...we will get through.
xo
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