How Life Sometimes Is

  This morning I had a new professional come to my house. She is a Behavior Consultant and she is needed because my son has an Individualized Education Plan and a Psych Ed Assessment which has come with certain labels which provides us with certain government funding around school and we have to have a certain amount of professionals in our lives to keep our school funding. I have had many professionals come into my home over the years. These are total strangers that I open my door to and choose to tell a lot of my life story to. I don't know anything about them other than their label and name.
  This has happened since the very beginning of my parenting journey when my husband and I had a home assessment done in order to be able to adopt our daughter. After that there were social workers and birth family and so many other people that came into my home. At that time I just accepted it and did my best. However as time has gone on I am starting to realize what a toll it takes. These sweet people mean the best but they come and go as their job dictates. My life is often lonely and these people are payed to try to help me cope and live life better. They are payed to give me advice. However they have to know me first in order to help. How intense is that?
  Today I was telling this new lady my life story minutes after she sat down on my swivel chair with the floral pillow at her back. She was sweet and kind and the children were polite to her and then went their ways and there I was and I was once again sharing it all. My story is not an easy one. It is unique to me as all our stories are. However when I tell it again it brings it up fresh. All the hard things I have journeyed through. All the loss I have experienced. I also realize how far this family has come and how far I as an individual have come. I realize the sacrifices I have made, how much I have had to change, how much I have learned.
  So I do this over and over each time someone new comes and each time I am left at home and they leave and go on to another family, another hour of their job. I often wonder how my story has impacted them? Do I really matter? Am I just another dollar figure to them? Does the fact that I am willing to be vulnerable, cry the first time we ever meet, share my beliefs...does it even matter? And when they move on and never see me again do they ever think of me? Do they ever wonder how I am doing? If my marriage has survived or if my children are thriving?
  If you do not have special needs children in your life, if you have never adopted, if you have not gone through much trauma or never needed specific professionals in your life you can't imagine what this is like and that is okay. Actually no one in my life can imagine how things have been for me because only I have lived this. Some may have an inkling because of similar experiences but a lot of people just do not have a clue. Insight into my loneliness.
  So another new beginning with another new worker. I hope for the best. I hope she really sees me, sees my family, really hears my story and I hope she will be an another beautiful piece of thread in this tapestry that is my life.
  The children are playing out side throwing their slightly deflated basketball in a plastic bucket they had their father cut the bottom out of and mount on a pillar in front of our house. My six year old has her dolly out with her carefully dressed in a rain coat and boots. They are all on the look out for spiders because my ten year old is studying them right now. Spiders are met with a lot of excitement around here right now and any found in the house are carefully caught and released free and safe outside. I managed to feed everyone breakfast but now it is lunch time. I am drained from my two hour session of baring my soul.
Onwards and upwards I go. I hope you have a happy day.
xo