Lice and Mother's Day

  Happy Mother's day!!!!!! Question for you, have you ever had lice? I have more than once. I remember the first time I was probably about ten and the little neighbor girl down the road gave it to myself and my mom and siblings (I have four). I cringe thinking back to what my mom had to go through. I vaguely remember the battle to kill all the lice that had infested our long thick hair (I have three sisters) and bedding etc.

 Has your house ever been infested with fleas? I remember when I lived on the farm growing up there was an extended period of time where I always wore my black gum boots in my house and especially in my room and I only slept on my top bunk because our house and my room was infested with fleas. Fleas ignore black (hence the gum boots) and are drawn to white. We tried everything...we had night lights shining on white lids filled with water and soap and that got some, we had toxic powders we put on the old wooden floors that had wide cracks between each board, and we vacuumed and vacuumed the orange shag carpet (or was it green) but it was a losing battle. We probably eventually had to fumigate. My poor mom!

  Have you ever had pin worms? I have. It is just disgusting. End of story.

 Do you struggle with candida? I do.

  Have you ever moved your couch to vacuum underneath and realized there was a family of mice living IN it...and then realized your whole house was infested with mice? I have.

  Have you ever had hundreds of flies hatch in your house and also had your cupboards filled with those little white worms that infest every package of food you have?

  I have.

  Since I have had children I have lived the lice experience over again, the pin worms, the fleas, the mice...the flies were just a special experience I got to have as an adult. My living room and dining room were literally buzzing with hundreds of flies. My cousin who had grown up Gabon Africa was living with me at the time and thankfully was not as obviously freaked out as I was and helped kill them bless her heart.

  Carpenter ants? Have you had them? If you are wondering...yes I have had them in my house. They are a force to be reckoned with. 

  When fleas were jumping off me onto my bed...not so long ago...and I started to lose my mind...it brought back the memories of the black gum boots and I got out the flea traps and set them up and I was panicking...I realized that often I feel this way as a mother...

  ANYWAY where am I going with this.

  Life is life.

  It's got its ups and downs. I remember when my first born had gotten lice yet again and she was only two...she went around letting people know in such a cheerful upbeat voice that she had lice. She was pretty excited about it. I felt like shit.

  So often insecurity comes knocking. Everybody's insecurity is different but no less debilitating. For me I feel less than other people, dirty (house, clothes, children ~ I can't keep them clean no matter how hard I try), poor, uneducated,  stupid, not capable, uninteresting, you name it.

   It's a lie though you know? Lies! Yet very unrelenting one and they getcha when your weak!

   I feel so worthless these days and right now I am fighting it tooth and nail. I just don't want to feel less than other people. I don't want to just feel only worthy of cleaning toilets and changing diapers. I want to feel like being at home all day and not talking to other adults for hours at a time is not less than and ridiculous. I want to own this life, that I am choosing, better. I want to feel like what I do and what my husband does are completely equal even if I don't bring a paycheck home ~and that my voice matters. It is not easy.

I don't measure up to what Society says is valuable:

I don't work outside my home
My house is usually in shambles
The walls are dirty, floors, toilets...no pinterest moments here.
I am not in shape
I don't get my hair, eyebrows, nails...nothing done with any regularity
I don't shop for new clothes hardly ever which means I don't have a clue what the latest fashions are
I don't own a cell phone
I don't know how to use a computer hardly at all
I am in no club, no groups, no societies,
I don't volunteer at my daughter's school
You name it...I don't do it. I have not much to offer the world ~ at least to standards that are projected 'out there'

I am a mom

  I get up and nurse a two year old every morning and then change his dirty diaper. Then I make different breakfasts for four different children and drive one to school. I try to get a shower in at some point and I homeschool two children while the two year old mostly screams. I make snack, lunch, snack and do after school pick up all the while dreading what to make for dinner. I do laundry, wash dishes and read some chapters of a book or two to a child while the two year old often screams. I break up fights. I brush teeth, wash children's hair, cut their nails, listen to their stories, keep them hydrated. I do all the appointments, try to prepare them for the future, comfort them through their heartbreak. A couple times a week a friend might call and my husband might text me a time or two throughout the week. My sister lives with us so I will see her briefly before she heads off to work. However this job is a one woman show here. I make dinner on a good day. I will weed my garden if its not raining. I am usually tired. I do not do my hair or wear makeup. I wear the same sweat pants daily because they are comfortable and everything I do in the day feels more manageable if I am comfortable. When my husband gets home I can barely smile at him much less give him any attention because I have given my all already and I still need to do bed time and the night shift and get up and do it all over again. There is no glamor, no glory, not breaks, no real rest and every day every day every day...this is what I do.

Where is my worth?

Who am I?

A mother.
  
It is Mother's day on Sunday.

  I just want for that one day to feel good in my own skin. Like all the things that I feel ashamed about, less than, all those things...can just be stripped away and I can feel confident again. If I could meet the confident Tansy for a day...that would be...well..I don't have words.

   So in writing all this I am trying to say to myself...all the things I feel make me less than ARE a part of me ~ yes ~ and the choices I have made and the lifestyle I have ~ there are days when I feel confident and good about it and days when it all feels hopeless ~ and once again ~ I have the opportunity to open up, let the light in and see the sweetness and beauty in the drudgery. Focus in!  Kill the flies (or in my case right now deal with the sugar ants in the front entry), eat less sugar, throw out the worm infested bags, or do the lice treatments (metaphorically speaking) or whatever it is that needs to be done to work through the issues that are making me feel less than and worthless. I have done that before and I can do it again.

  Happy Mother's day to you. I hope you are feeling stronger than I at this moment. I hope your Mother's day leaves you feeling valued, encouraged, stronger, uplifted and more. Being a mother is the hardest job on this planet because it means the most. What you are doing in mothering your child or children is raising the next generation of your family line and that responsibility is like no other. You are shaping souls, but the process of that takes all you are if you are willing to give it. If you are feeling less than, looked down on, overwhelmed, discouraged, exhausted, forlorn, unhealthy, empty and yet you look around and know that this is what you need to do and you would not change it (although if you could go on a kid free vacation you'd go...like today); I am with you and you rock. If your Mother's day sucks....and lets face it...if you have young children...it often does...do something this week for you that lets you know your worth to yourself cause as much as I am not feeling it...I am worthy and I am going to do that!
Love you
Tansy