A Light to Shine In Us

 Christmas Eve

My little ones are so excited for today and tomorrow. These, besides their birthdays, are the most magical days of the year. What a gift to feel that wonder and magic and to know that there is such joy and excitement to be had. I get to help create that in them and foster that. 

In the journey of knowing who I am and how I have become who I am I am thankful that even if I don't get swept away with excitement maybe ever, I do feel deep wonder about many things. I feel joy in an almost painful way it is so precious and treasured, and magic is everywhere when you take a moment to look around you at the way the earth works in such harmony because of how it was created. This morning it is still dark out, the children are surrendered to slumber and I am sitting here thinking. The next two days are very full for me. The list of things to accomplish are staggering. This morning I am thinking about Mary and her journey to birth Jesus. 

 A mother and father have journeyed far ~ the mother heavy with child ~ achey and sore. There is nowhere for them to stay as the town is so crowded with people so they find shelter with stabled animals in some sort of outdoor shelter ~ some say it may have been a cave. It would have been dark, the smell would have been strong, and the animals would have been stirred by the excitement and presence of strange humans. They would not have been quiet. The mother is a first time mother and she is young. Her own mother and town midwife are not present. Did she know how to breathe through the contractions? The pain of labor is not something you can really imagine before hand. It is so intense and it is not often possible to remain silent. Did her husband know how to support her? Were the animals mooing or baaing or baying? Were they stomping and restless or were they quiet and supportive? Did she feel alone and scared? Were the animals comforting? Did strange midwives come to assist her? Did her husband know what to do? 

The baby arrives and they hear that first cry. When you have your first baby you don't realize the beauty of hearing your child's voice for the first time until it happens. This child was very special and they both know it. He is the son of God. They have not known what to really except, but when they hear His voice they are both filled with love and He is their child. Mary would have snuggled him close to keep him warm and would have latched Him as best she could to her breast. Nursing is something that has to be figured out that first time. I hope there was someone there to help her. After a time she would have needed to get cleaned up and would have needed to rest. There was no bed for the baby, she must have used something she had to swaddle him in and then would have looked around for somewhere to lay him. The floor would not have been an option. She gently placed him in a feeding trough for a few minutes to pull herself together as best she could. Oh it would have been so intense. Manure, blood, animals, noise, and that first night of just the wonder and yet bewilderment and also that love that just floods you, and the wonder of how you did that!? You birthed a baby that you grew inside you! It is beyond any feeling you can imagine. There is the reality of needing to diaper the baby, manage your own blood that is flowing, and find a resting spot amidst rats, fleas, manure, straw and more. Sometimes newborn babies sleep for quite a while after birth but my babies did not. I spent that first night holding them and nursing them. That first night is the most precious holy experience.

All of us as loving mothers know we didn't birth a Jesus but we have birthed children that we have hope for. It isn't the hope of them being a saviour. However we hope that this child will be kind and will offer goodness and light when they can. We hope that they will feel our love when they need it most. We hope, hope, hope. So much of mothering is about hope.

Mary was filled with hope and so much more. She went on to have more babies through the years and to raise Jesus as her own. She had one crazy birth story to share with her village and mother back home that would have been talked about again and again during the times of remembering. She would have remembered that shepherds suddenly showed up. A rough and tumble crowd that were wide eyed and sort of bewildered because they had seen a heavenly host of angels! They were being obedient and coming to see a newborn baby they have been told is a king. A newborn baby brings such softness to almost anybody. Their preciousness and vulnerability is this reminder of our essence. The whole scene ~ young Mary, a tiny baby, a stable, animals, shepherds fresh from the fields, Joseph, it is all just a louder, more intense, and yet holy and beautiful scenario for a new family to experience. To think that this baby changed everything for us. For you. 

Deciding to allow Jesus to be your voice of guidance and truth does not mean that your life is now easy. It does not take away the suffering of the world. It does not immediately mean that evil is gone. It does mean that your life changes course if you so choose. It means you have guidance, it means you have this eternal promise to walk towards, it means that in death you really have life, it means that you have hope and that you have love. It means that you can walk around with a peace to tangibly hold that passes all understanding in moments where otherwise there would only be darkness. This is what Christmas really is about. Every window of your soul can be wide open to receive at Christmas ~ allowing the light of all of this in.  

Jesus, thank you for coming to the world. Thankyou for saving us, for walking alongside us in our brokenness. Thankyou for shining your light in our darkness. Thankyou for convicting our hearts and teaching us truth. Thankyou for the hope of you.

xo

Thinking About A Mother

 My oldest daughter had her birthday a few weeks ago and I keep thinking about her birth mother. When I met her she was just freshly turned fifteen and very pregnant. She was sweet but also strong and she had her own mind. She was determined to have her baby and raise her baby and so her family had put her into foster care. 

There were so many moments that led up to her having her daughter in foster care and then gifting her daughter to my husband and I. We did not have our daughter move in with us until she was a year and a half old. She was with her mother for a long time.

This courageous choice was not supported by her family at all. At the court hearing her lawyer quit just as it started. She made the choice totally alone and represented herself to the judge.

Her courage and her kindness will always be one of the most heartfelt expressions of sacrifice and kindness I will experience. 

It's been many years since I have seen her. The last time I saw her she was in the emergency room of a hospital I was in. She was gaunt and frail and suffering the effects of drug use. All I could do was hug her. I was with little children (not my daughter) and so I couldn't stay.

 It is winter and cold out and it's Christmas time. When we first had our daughter with us her birth mother spent holidays with us. I just wish I could hug her and that she could see all her daughter has become. I hope it would help her find peace in her soul.

We all have more strength in us than we know. I hope that one day she can break free from the addictions and work through the pain. The work is so hard. For many people it is easier to stay addicted and suffering then walk forward in their pain and let it go. Freedom is never free is it and it's this continuous process of breaking off chains.

May we all walk forward choosing to fight for our freedom and may we all choose to see past ourselves and impact others for good. May we all choose courage and compassion and life. My daughter has been given everything by her birth mother and the choices she made for her daughter. It was the most courageous choice I have personally encountered in my lifetime. 

I wish I could tell her thank you 

Love From Jesus Just For You

  Christmas is in just a few days.

 I have tried to get all my shopping done but I keep needing to go get last minute things. I was in a really busy grocery store today ~ it was packed full of people pushing carts trying not to hit each other. There were sighs and smiles and patience and frustration. There was this moment that I witnessed that made me tear up. I was waiting at the end of an aisle in a passageway and an elderly couple saw someone they knew, another elderly lady, they both exclaimed her name and then wrapped her in a group hug. It was just the sweetest moment to witness. There was so much joy in their faces and to see her just enveloped in this beautiful embrace made me wish that someone would see me and feel the same. I finished my grocery shop and went to the last store I needed to go to that day. As I was walking the aisles I caught sight of a sweet lady that I have known my whole life. She was talking to someone else and so I didn't interrupt just kept on shopping. She saw me and when she was done talking she came over and hugged me! We ended up having a very kind conversation that felt heart felt and caring for me. I really needed it I guess. When you are looking for the moments of connection and looking for light ~ it does come to you. 

It is important to hold that close.

Seeing the couple embrace their friend felt like I got a hug, and made me long for that experience of sorts, and then it happened. 

I don't often meet people I know at the grocery store and not people that would hug me. This was a rare occurrence and it happened right after I expressed that longing in my mind and heart.

May you have these experiences when you deeply need them and see them for what they are ~

Love from Jesus

Just for you

Tansy

Excitement At Christmas

   Christmas is almost here. I have heard a few of my children remark that they are so excited for Christmas and that is really happy. They are excited because they have something to be excited for. That means I am accomplishing what I hope to accomplish! The mountains around us are covered in snow but down in our valley the grass is green and we have had twenty days of rain and grey clouds. There was a few minutes today when the sun came through and that was really lovely.  My husband is away, he was having a hard time with the rain and grey and our house being overwhelming and more. So he went away for two days just for a mental health break. Where he went is snow and sunshine and crisp cold. I think it was a really good choice for him and I hope it will sustain him for a while. 

   Do you remember being excited for Christmas as a child? I remember my mom used to bake gingerbread men and we could decorate them. I remember going out into the forest on our property with my dad and siblings to pick out a little scraggly but perfect tree for the big old farm house living room. I remember sitting in front of the cracking fires during the winter and writing stories. We didn't have a TV through my childhood years. I remember skating on our frozen creek in the winter. I feel like I was reenacting a moment from Little Women as I wore a skirt and scarf for a hat. I remember making strings of popcorn and Christmas decorations for the tree and paper chains for my bedroom. Sometimes at Christmas people would bring us hampers with gifts and food as sometimes my parents were struggling. I remember my aunties would buy me a jogging suit and I remember this amazingly perfect porcelain doll that had red hair and green eyes that they gave me. My aunties were so faithful in giving such sweet gifts and remembering us all. I am now forty three and they still remember my family and send money for gifts each year. My dad and mom would cook a turkey dinner for us and sometimes other family members. Christmas was something different than the every day. We were excited for it. 

  I hope that this year my children get up on Christmas morning filled with excitement. Excitement in anyone is something not to take for granted. When have you last felt that childhood excitement? Was it just the other day or has it been years? 

It's a precious emotion that is expressed so often in childhood but less and less as an adult I feel.

May you feel excitement this Christmas and beyond ~ 

xo

A Grandson Turning One

 One year ago today this precious soul entered the world looking exactly like his mama when she was born. He has healed wounds and has brought so much laughter and joy. He has brought about a maturing and growth in his parents. He has brought sweetness and gentleness to our family. He is a miracle and the one that made me Marmee.

May he protected as he grows. May he know the love of his family and of Jesus. May he walk in light and truth,

He is so loved.

Spiritual Warfare

 I have written a lot about the 'dark nights' in my life although not so much lately. Newly into my second year of marriage (on the anniversary of the first year of marriage actually) I started miscarrying and it turned into a long and drawn out ordeal. During this time is when the 'dark nights' started for me. This meant I would lie awake at night in utter agony ~ sometimes of soul, sometimes physically. I would steal away to the couch or the floor of the hallway to suffer, writhe in pain, cry ~ whatever it was so that I wouldn't wake my husband. I had no idea then that this was the beginning of something that I would experience night after night year after year.

After my son was born he spent years crying after dark. We would tuck him in and pray for him knowing that in about forty minutes or so he would start screaming and would be in agonizing pain. We went to doctor after doctor and did test after test but no one could say what the problem was. He also was just terrified of everything. He was consumed with fear.

Growing up my family had a lot of unexplainable happenings that seemed to come from a realm we could not see. They were unexplained, evil, and awful. 

On two separate occasions my parents (once) and then my mom (once) took time to learn about the spirit realm and what was maybe happening in their lives. They shared the information with me and felt so much hope that things could be different for our family and for a time it was. Then things would go backwards and get even worse.

When my husband and I were younger and our oldest kids were quite young, we started our own journey in learning about the spiritual realm. As a child growing up my husband had had numerous encounters where he saw or could feel spirits from another realm. I did not but I was aware of the battle being waged in my family. 

There are many cultures where communion with the spiritual realm is a very expected, sought after, or well understood occurrence. The culture here is very blinded to it and overall I feel that white people have written that off as hocus pocus.

Last night was another dark night for me. It is not even five in the morning here and I am awake and sitting on the couch. There was no point in going back to sleep because I was having nightmares. I rarely dream because I get too little sleep and my baby woke me up over and over last night. However I woke up to a nightmare that I knew if I went back to sleep it would keep coming back. It was worth it to get up. When I have a nightmare I know our family is under what I call, spiritual attack. There are other signs in our family that we are under spiritual attack. Once you recognize the signs they are very obvious. 

For our entire marriage this has been theme ~ and for my entire life this has been a theme. So much evil trying to steal so much ~ and why? WHY? What is so threatening about US? There is a verse in the Bible that says Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but that God comes so that we can have life and life more abundantly (John 10:10). This has been a common thread in my life and its' journey. I think there is a vendetta against me for having children. For continuing to have them. I am being made to suffer night after night in efforts to destroy my health and wellness. That may sound CRAZY to someone who has a. normal happy life and does not go through the things I have gone through. I would think it sounded crazy as well, but I have lived it. I live it all the time.

One of the things that is most harmed is my sleep. There have been times where no matter what I tried I would be woken hour after hour by the most random things so that I would never be really allowed to sleep. My children have been woken by pain over and over in their lives, woken by nightmares, woken by feeling evil in their room. 

What is the remedy to this? What do you do?

For years my husband and I didn't really know.

Then we went through something called ~ deliverance. 

It is a powerful process we went through with a pastor at our church.

We first went through our family history with him and identified what spirits may be attacking us or assigned to us based on what 'door's would have been opened in our history. So say you had a relative in the occult or you suffered sexual abuse. This would make you vulnerable to different spirits attacking you. There is also something called generational curses that are assigned to your family and handed down generation after generation. We learned about the important of breaking off soul ties with people that may have been formed through unhealthy relationships as well. It was so interesting and rang so true for us. After we had gone through extensive family history we went through the actual deliverance process. This is not really something you would want to do alone. It is very helpful to have someone who is a strong man or woman of God with a clear understanding of the spiritual realm go through this with you. It is a methodical process of a spiritual cleaning of your spiritual house. You rebuke the spirits that may be lurking and you invite the peace and healing of Jesus to come in place of any darkness and evil that has been trying to steal from you. This is something you will then do alone or as a couple through the rest of your life. As humans we sin and are not perfect and so we can 'open doors' again for evil to come in. We want to be aware of that and keep them away! If we do not they can come back stronger and more determined. 

The Spiritual world consists of angels and demon and then Satan and God. Dark and light. It is made very clear in the Bible. In Ephesians 6:12 it says, 'for our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, agains the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.' I have lived this and so I believe it is true. It goes on to talk about putting on spiritual armour so that we can fight effectively against this evil. 

One night I remember my husband and I going to war together. My son had woken up yet again screaming in pain. We had suffered this for years and years. He was traumatized and his whole life was affected. He was not developing mentally, emotionally, or physically as he should. He was suffering. We had suffered alongside him. 

I remember so clearly that I put a post on Facebook asking people to pray and people responded that they were praying alongside us. It was late at night. My husband and I put worship music on in our home, we opened our Bibles, we started walking up and down our home and started to do war in the spirit realm for our son. 

This shifted something in our home. Never again could  the pain and darkness come with such ease and terror. After we did this when his pain would start again ~ because it did try to come time and time again ~ we would pray in the spirit with authority and with strength and it would leave immediately. My son could finally start to live a more normal life, but his life has been altered and hurt by this pain he physically experienced for so many years. However he was able to do so much better after this. 

He will suffer the consequences maybe forever because trauma does such a number on you. He is eighteen now and having a very hard time. I hope that as he grows up he will choose to fight for himself and go towards light and goodness. 

In many ways it may seem easier to give in to the dark.

That is a lie! IT IS A LIE!

Fight for light, fight for truth, fight for your destiny. Not just for YOU, but for the generations that come after you. 

Darkness comes every night ~ evil is there always ~ day or night.

Light always comes faithfully ~ the sun rises again and the SON, Jesus Christ, came and shed his blood so that YOU as a human being would have authority to stand your ground and fight evil. You are able to cast off your sin and shame and tell demons who have had this ability to attack you to leave in the name of Jesus.

This is the authority you have ~

You have the name of Jesus. 

There is such deep power in that name.

When you feel despair, when you feel evil near, when you feel trapped in anxiety or darkness, when you KNOW that evil is gaining ground

Open up your Bible to Ephesian 6:11 and read out loud all the way till verse 18. Then open the Bible to Psalms and pray Psalm 91 over yourself. Declare that you are child of God and in the name of JESUS you take authority over any evil that is attacking you, your household, your children, your future seed, and let that darkness know that it is not welcome, that you are shutting any doors, for it to LEAVE in the name of Jesus. You can demand specific spirits to leave like anxiety or depression or fear etc.

You can take oil and anoint every opening point in your home and go to the four corners of your property and claim it in the name of Jesus. You can pray and ask for angels to guard your property and your home. You can ask for Jesus peace to fill you.

The demons come time and time again. They attack over and over. They don't give up. Their tactics don't change. They are very predictable. HOWEVER, when you know how to fight, even in your tiredness, they have to leave. As a battle worn and scarred warrioress I still mess up, I give in, I wilt. However I always rise, I always fight. I will continue to.

Satan does not want you to succeed. Please fully realize the depths of the evil. He wants you to be killed, he wants your future stolen, he wants you destroyed.

But guess what

GOD has a beautiful future for you ~ one that has Him beside you every step of the way. A future that includes love and faithfulness and sanctification and eternal life. It does not mean an easy life or a life without hardship but it is a life of triumph over evil in eternity and a life of victory over death one battle at a time.

These are my thoughts at 5:22am on a Saturday morning after another long, hard, dark night.

May God go before us, behind us, beside us. May we know our authority in Him. May we walk in victory and strength. May we not give up but take up our crosses and follow Him. It is not an easy road but it is a road that leads to victory, always to light, and to Him!

Amen

What You Could Choose To Do If You Get Cancer

 I don't know if you have noticed but a lot of people in certain countries are getting cancer. It is an epidemic.

I have had cancer.

It's a terrifying life altering sickness to go through. Many die from it and some live. 

It totally altered the course of my life and changed how I view the world and how I have lived my life. 

If you get cancer can I offer you some advice?

Find healthy incredible support throughout the duration of the journey. A counsellor or friend ~ do not try to go through the journey mentally or physically alone. Connection is life giving.

Spend as many hours as you can by the ocean or in a forest and in cold clean water. Spend time in a sauna often. Make sure your water is filtered and clean. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

Don't touch sugar, fast food, dairy or gluten. Eat organic meat and vegetables and fruit. Get rid of toxic makeup, shampoo's, dish soap etc. Stop smoking or drinking alcohol etc. 

Support your gut in every way you can,

Do a parasite cleanse

Consider saving your eggs or sperm if this could take your fertility and you are of an age where this would be an appropriate step.

Think about what a biopsy is. It might be wiser just to get the mass removed right away if possible. A biopsy can spread cancer cells. Don't take out a ton of lymph nodes if you don't need to. Do your research. Be an advocate for your own body. If you feel judged or dismissed consider finding another care provider if possible.

Don't just blindly trust your doctor. Get second opinions if necessary. Do your research. Don't fall into overwhelm for to long. Rise above and be your own best advocate or ask someone else to be if you are too ill. You are an individual and your doctor doesn't alway see that. They have a lot going on. 

If you have the financial means go to a cancer clinic in Mexico or elsewhere where technology is advanced and innovative and use some of their cancer healing services. Many people have been cured there. Chemotherapy is often not the only way and could be paired with other life saving cures. You need to find a good clinic though, they are not all the same. 

If you go the chemotherapy route support your body at the same time with hydration, vitamins and minerals and cleansing when the time is right. Drink nourishing organic broth with high quality salt every day, help your intestinal motility, rest and nourish not just your body but your soul. Listen to soul nourishing podcasts, listen to classical music, read quality beautiful books. Keep yourself free of filth and rubbish. 

Work through your anger and grief. DO NOT let it fester. 

Get a punching bag or a screaming pillow or something :)

If you are going to lose your hair and this feels hard for you ~ take some photos or do something to express how you feel. Let yourself work through the pain of it. It will grow back most probably but it might be totally different. 

Take time to do what you need to do to prepare for end of life ~ Find Jesus, make a plan for your family or your pets, organize and sort things, those sorts of mature and kind actions. It is the mature thing to do. 

If you have any bitterness ~ forgive. Cleanse yourself of bitterness ~ it is only hurting you. If you are full of anger you are actually probably full of rejection and pain ~ release that. It will only help you. If you need to apologize for sin~ do it. Make your life and soul right. Have a clean conscience. You may need to forgive God. I did.

Most importantly please know this.

You matter and you are loved.

Cancer is traumatic and painful and not deserved. It is terrifying and invasive. It strips you of many things.

Keep your head up, choose to be kind and strong and fight. Fight with all you have. It is worth it.

You. Can. Do. This

xo

Tansy

Laughter

 Have you ever laughed till you cried?

Or have you ever laughed till you peed your pants?

I have a friend who was known for peeing her pants regularly if she was laughing a lot. It was sort of a gauge for her family about how good of a time she had when she was out and about. If she came home with wet clothes or new clothes on they were happy for her. People that knew her found it in some ways endearing and others who didn't know her were always shocked because it wasn't really a big deal to her. She was a teenager at the time. 

Back to the question ~

Have you ever laughed till you cried? Have you ever gotten the giggles and couldn't stop laughing?

Take a moment maybe? And remember back?

It might fill you with joy.

This is the GIFT of memory at times. 

I remember once standing up in front my grade eleven Biology class. I went to a small private school and was friends with everyone in my class. We didn't love our teacher at the time and had put him through too much. Oh we were awful! 

That day I was supposed to give an oral report on Whooping Cough. I had made a poster and went up in front of the class. All I got out was that I was going to talk about Hooping cough and that was it. I was hysterically laughing, the class was laughing, and the teacher was looking at me with tiredness in his eyes. I tried my best to reign myself in but I just couldn't. Every time I tried to start the report I started laughing again. I ended up being unable to give the report. I think my teacher had a lot of grace for me and still gave me a good grade which was so much more than I deserved.

Laughter is so good for the soul! I hope you will be blessed with laughter in the coming weeks ~ laughter that in the end you can hardly handle the pain in your stomach muscles and you have tears pouring from your eyes.

It will sustain you for a long time and bless you beyond measure

xo

Her First Job

  One of my daughters got a job yesterday. This was not planned and she did not apply for it. It was completely out of the blue. There is a farm at the end of our road and they milk three hundred cows. There are many more cows at the farm but they milk the three hundred. The farmer had an emergency where he lost some staff unexpectedly and needed help. My husband grew up on a dairy farm and had previously offered help if the farmer was ever in a bind. Well, yesterday he was in a bind. Three hundred cows CANNOT milk themselves. So he called on my husband and it turned out my husband didn't feel like he could give all the support this farmer needed consistently. However my daughter felt completely confident that she could milk three hundred cows with zero experience. My husband took her to the barn for an introduction ~there was  no time for a resume or anything else ~ she wore gum boots and coveralls. She ended up doing a double shift today. She had someone training her through these shifts :)

 She was shocked by the smell, she was peed on, and her arms were aching by the time she was done. She also had to be up by 4:30 in the morning. This is her first 'real' job and what an amazing first job to have. Farming is in her DNA ~ especially Dairy farming. 

The system here at this farm is that the cows are milked by machines but you have to usher the cows in, you have to clean them up, put the machines on them, and there is many steps around this process.

This is what struck me though ~ 

I have six children and they are all so different! My oldest daughter would also have jumped at the chance to milk cows and would not have felt any anxiety that she could not manage it. In fact, she could milk fifty cows when she was eight years old start to finish. My son would never dream of having the confidence to milk cows. He would be completely overcome with anxiety and it would take so much coaching to help him through the process. They have grown up with the same parents but each have gone through different realities of life in their brains and processed and internalized their perception of the world. 

We are all unique individuals who process circumstances uniquely. Our personalities are our own. Our filters of the world are different.

One person might make a mistake and agonize over it for days and another person might feel relief they only made that one mistake.

I am happy for my daughter at her confidence levels, and her wanting to go out into the world and try new things. I feel hope for my son that as he gets older he will feel more capable, that he can handle what the world throws at him, and he can walk in more confidence.

I myself have been a mix through the years. I don't really know how I started out my life, I think I was very chatty and learned certain things easily. I think I was shy sometimes but often I was outgoing and loved attention. However as time has gone on I have become more and more introverted and have wished for supportive kind connection. I have seen how easily it is to be used and discarded and I have become guarded and tired.

I love seeing the world through my teenage daughter's eyes. It is refreshing and beautiful. There is so much to experience and to savour. Oh may the world be kind to her. May she walk in protection and goodness. 

This is now my third child to go out and start earning their way in the world. My oldest daughter started her first job at a garden centre when she was about fifteen, and it taught her so much. Her boss was intense and demanded perfection. My second child has worked for his dad since he was thirteen and that has been a blessing for him. He has learned many skills. Now my third child is starting this journey! She has many hopes to travel.

Life flies by ~ it is precious and fragile and beautiful

xo

Tansy

Whoops

 When the first blush of love has faded

And you have a ring on your finger

And you've vowed you'll stay till you die

And you've eked out a pecking order

Peck peck peck

And you feel you're not winning in any way

And you get the sense he's not winning either

How do you fly the coop ~ together

Banish the pecking order

Throw words like selfish, lazy, unkind

Away

And move forward.

There is a way to grow up

To be gracious, empathetic, mature

To be giving of yourself to yourself 

And to him

To not need him to give you YOUR OWN worth

And all the feathers that he's ruffled and ripped out

You yourself can grow back

You can take a sabbatical

To heal

You can find truth talkers, encouragers

Who shed, beam, shine, 

Light on your path

And instead of co dependence and heart pain and shadows

Your own radiance is so bright any shadows of insecurity or old lies find no place to root

Oh it is deeply placed ~ these patterns that started it all ~

And moving a different way

Will take hard hard work

But it is yours

And you chose him

And you can change

And be kind too

And learn boundaries, freedom and truth

And doesn't the rest of forever look beautiful?

You being a friend to you AND to him?

You've flown the coop

Hopefully he flew with you

You are free

Life In Photos

Someone turned fifteen. She is such a joy.

This little munchkin is so sweet and so sassy. She thinks she is in charge of everybody.

                                   I recommend doing a tie dye birthday party someday. It is so fun!

Homeschooling means there are many moments of fun and also fighting. 

                         This is the view I have every fall ~ Canadian Geese flying and calling. 

                                                       Happy moments with family 

                                                I love the light in Autumn and Spring the best 

                     The mountain that my husband and son climbed to the top of has snow on it now.

                        Here we are. I can't believe how matronly I am looking but that is life.

                                My son in law acting his age ~ oh to be twenty two and full of life!

                                                     Great Grandparents over for a rare visit. 

                                        She's in the stage of loving shoes and it is so cute.

                                                    Going bump bump bump down the stairs!

                                        Two is such an adorable and sometimes challenging age. 

She still falls asleep in people's arms. She is SO precious.

                                                                   An Autumn sunset ~

                                   I so appreciate my sisters and their kindness to my children.

                                                           Little girls out on an adventure.

                                        Someone is about to be sang to. Happy birthday little one.

                                 A sweet sister moment. I am so glad these two can be best friends. 

                                                       I am so grateful for my children.

 

I Could Even Skip

 I walked by the vast shining expanse

Wishing to send my soul in its depths

To be cleansed

To have it breach and sink back down

To fling itself glistening with joy like a dolphin

Flying faster and faster

Laughing

I felt heartsick, weary with care

The sand nourished my bare skin

The Autumn leaves filled my eyes with a vibrancy that lingers still

The waves that beckoned over and over

Ushered peace to a spirit that had felt fragile and brittle

The air filled my lungs

Life felt renewable

I could keep on and even skip

Feel winsome

Tuck a Rose in my hair

How Will You Live Your Life

 It is absolutely POURING rain outside ~ one of the expressions I have heard is ~ it is HOSING down rain. I have one child who would run outside in the pouring rain  and whipping wind dancing and screaming with delight. I have another child who expresses fear and despair over possible flooding and losing everything. I have another child who hunkers down deeply affected by the lack of sunshine and the roar of the wind.

We are all so unique

Once, a long time ago, I saw a woman dancing by the ocean in total freedom. She was beautiful and wild and undone. I was still so young but I knew then that I was not like her. I was already so constrained. I however KNEW that I wanted to be like her. As time has gone on the world has done more and more to take away even the wish to dance by the ocean. It has used many mediums to strip away the essence of who I was created to be.

Is that you too?

Do you feel you were created for so much more? And yet the cruelty of circumstances, the unfairness that life brings, has stripped you of so much?

If so I want to acknowledge how hard it is to exist in a body that feels that grief daily. It withers us in so many ways. It impacts our health and wellness too.

I think it is important to remember what my grandmother did

My grandmother was a remarkable woman. She lived through the dirty thirties and had to experience losing her families generational farm to an auction. She lived through World War Two where she met her husband and was married at age nineteen. She moved far away from her family and was at the mercy of her husband who had many emotional issues and struggles. She had five children but had to work outside the home. When she got older she lost her hearing more and more, she lost her teeth, she then lost her eyesight. My grandmother was a beautiful vibrant woman. She was tall and creative and capable.  She grew a vegetable garden every year. She canned her food. She had an amazing flower garden. She was a photographer. She scrapbooked and sewed her own clothes. She was the co captain on my grandfathers sail boat. She was an avid hiker and loved live music, museums and art galleries.

I remember the very last day she drove. I was with her and she almost hit a pedestrian. Her eyes had gotten so bad that she had not seen him. I can't imagine the grief she must have felt at having that freedom taken away as my grandfather was not a man with a servants heart per say and having to rely on him would not have been easy. My grandmother loved to quilt. She made incredible complicated quilts that took months to make. As her eye sight failed she had to give that up. She had to give up almost everything. Instead of despairing she decided to take piano lessons. After a time she could not do that and so she decided to write poetry. Her poetry was not just for her. She wrote about her childhood and sent the poems to the town paper where she grew up. They published them all and she blessed many people. She made choice after choice to keep on going but not just for herself. Her creativity blessed the world around her. 

My point is ~ for many many MANY people the reality is ~ they can choose to lose hope, give up, despair and wither OR they can be like my grandmother ~ as life threw her curveball after curveball she did not give up. She also did not just live for herself. I also saw my grandfather do just the opposite as he aged. So I have seen both choices and what they do to a soul.

I have always hoped to be like my grandmother, but that takes bravery, grit, determination, and a heart that can be flexible and forgiving. Do I have that in me? I hope so.

We are all so unique. We all have our own reactions to rain storms. We all have choices to make as to how to pivot, to blossom, to thrive when we are in our storms

May you truly live

xo

Leaving Me Behind

 How can you leave some vital part of yourself

Behind you

On a tract of land that

Somehow became a part of your soul

And when you go back

You find that part of you that you can never find

And the apple tree you loved

The tiny wild Violets

The spring garden with the Daffodils

And feeling whole

Well, it's some sort of feeling

Kind of the best

And you want to scoop

All of yourself up

And say ~ You'll be okay there too

Or anywhere

But does the moss robe everything in green?

Is Spring sunlight the same gladsome hue?

Do ferns grow in families every place you lay your eye?

Does your heart feel at peace?

Do you go forth singing?

Be You

 On the edge of a meadow

Do you step inside

Or do you sink down at the edge

Just.Too.Tired

Buttercups shining

Daisys delicate

The distant hum of bees

And all the little moments

Insects making their way on their journeys

Birds singing their joyful songs they always sing

And does your heart join?

You've put on a pretty dress

your cheeks are beautifully blushed 

But its your heart that needs to enter in

Needs to feel that easement

The way along

The day to day

Creating and giving

Caring and so much that it bleeds you dry

And trying to stay longer for us all

There is all of this you have given

Starting with your essense

The love of fashion, vintage, elegance, beauty

And wanting to share

You've shared

You've brought light and beauty and comfort

And you've brought joy and kindness

And empowerment

And sometimes a meadow and some peace

And some recognition of your resilience

All your capability

Is a necessity

So twirl and laugh

Be seven, and twelve, and fifteen, and twenty five, and thirty seven

Be all you've been and all you are

Brilliant and burning and bright and inner steel

Be broken and beautiful

The survivor and giver

You 

The Giver of Gifts

 I don't know why you choose to read the musings of my heart. I hope that through your reading you feel drawn closer. Is what I mean is ~ our whole purpose in life is to draw closer ~ to feel inspired and curious ~ to soften ~ this happens through different mediums. 

It's like there is someone behind us holding out the most perfect gift that could be given to you. Not just one gift but all the gifts you could ever need and you need to draw closer to receive them (I read this analogy in a George McDonald book and it resonated with me).

As you go through life you may realize that someone is there ~ that the gifts are there ~ but you may be held back by doubt, or sadness, or pain, or anger. You may forge forward and ignore the gifts waiting and blunder your way forward mostly blind. 

The giver is patient.

I have had instances where I have felt so known by this gift giver, more known than ever in my life and totally understood.

I have written previous posts about the times when I have only thought in my head of something I wished for ~ I never voiced the wish aloud ~ and then I was given the gift I wished for by someone random who could not have known. These are tangible gifts and maybe silly examples.

However when you are looking at your life more deeply than the normal ~ when you are listening to your conscience, but really the still small voice of God, and honouring what is being asked ~

The gifts come

Also the trials come, the pain, the loss, the grief ~ because along with the giver there is also the taker. May I suggest too that with the giver comes love. Love also brings along side it things that help you understand true love and that often involves pain and a growing of different depths of self.

There are so many mysteries to life ~ it is so much deeper than just what we see. There is depth to it all that I can't fully grasp.

Keep your eyes open wide so you don't miss your gifts. Always be asking what is meant for you to do today ~ to give of yourself ~ and to see others and what their hearts need ~ and be ready to receive the gifts you are given. It adds richness to your life. I can't do this every day. I am way too overwhelmed and distracted. The times though that I can slow things down and focus in on what is being asked of me truly? That brings the most fulfillment and peace.

xo

My Blood On Their Hands

 This is a possible trigger warning if you have gone through pregnancy loss, or chemotherapy, or if you can't handle blood please don't read this.

 I was reminded today about times people have had my blood literally staining their hands during times of trauma. It has been more than once. 

I have gone through two miscarriages that involved a lot of bleeding. One time I was at a function and I didn't know it yet but I had a major tumour inside of me. If I didn't get it dealt with I would eventually bleed to death. While I was at the function I started to haemorrhage. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and my friend followed me. I was weak and shaking and she took my clothes and started washing them. They were soaked in blood.  I cry as I write this. She was so kind and selfless as my blood poured over her hands as she washed the clothing. She also lent me her clothing as mine were ruined.  I was so embarrassed and she was so kind. I got myself put somewhat back together and we went back to the function. A few days later I was admitted to the hospital and she drove me. I started chemotherapy that would save my life ~ and also alter it forever.

Fast forward multiple years and I am going to experience another miscarriage. I am home with my children and can feel the contractions getting incredibly strong. My husband is at work and has no intention of coming home. I message two friends ~ both who have babies and both who live far away. I don't ask them to come I just let them know that I think I am losing the baby. They jump in their cars and start driving. When they arrive I am sitting on my shower floor covered in blood. I am weak to the point of passing out and can't get up. Both of these friends ended up with my blood on their hands. One of them put my baby in a jar for me to bury. One of them showered me off and wrapped me in blankets. They made my husband come home and help carry me to bed. He had not fully understood the gravity of it all and came running when he knew. 

My husband has also had my blood on his hands.

Some of us grow up knowing life is going to be challenging. We just have an inner knowing. This is maybe because life has never been easy from our first breath. However, we can't know what is to come. That is the gift of not knowing the future. Something I have learned is that we can choose to remember the gifts given us during the trauma even if they are few. 

I have been blessed to receive many many gifts through traumatic experience and loss. I have had people who were stained by my blood and when I apologized they waved it off. They willingly walked with me through the pain and hardship and trauma.

I wanted to say today to you ~ that as the Christmas season approaches, as a Christian, I am thinking a lot about Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save the world. He came to heal, He came to love, he came to shake up the way people did things, He came. Eventually he shed his blood and took our sin. Before he came the only way to atone from sin was through the shedding of blood. He shed his. It is hard to really comprehend this for me. However when I think of moments in my life when someone has done something so selfless and so caring for me ~ like the moments I shared above ~ I can understand more ~ and the thankfulness I feel I can't describe.

I hope as you walk through your life ~ whether you are in a prolonged season of pain and trauma or whether life is actually lovely right now ~ I hope you know that you are loved dearly and perfectly. I hope you can FEEL that love from Jesus.

If you are struggling to feel that love ~ please ask Jesus to show you how He loves you.

He will

xo Tansy

Thinking Ahead to Spring and Snowdrops

  One of the most beautiful and precious things my mother imparted to me was the wonder and excitement of Spring. Almost every year my mother will ask me if I've seen a Robin yet, and she will tell me that she has spotted Snowdrops on her walks. It is pouring rain today ~ so.much.rain.is.falling. We have not seen a hint of the sun for many days now and this continues for months. Vitamin D levels drop dangerously and depressions can set in. However, we have early Springs here and glorious ones. When the sun finally comes so do profusions of colours in blossoms and it is magnificent. My two year old opened up one of my old journals today and it landed on this little poem written in February 2021. 

Thankyou to the Snowdrops

I caught a glimpse of you

As I yanked open curtains

While my six year old wailed

His angst against the world

I felt haggard, dusty, and aged

As I looked out into a grey world

But there you were

Survivors of the cold wind and icy realities of your world

Reminders to anyone who will look

That Spring is coming again

That it always will

No matter what.

You look delicate, beautiful

And you are mighty

Snowdrops

I am aware that parts of the world do not have seasons like we do here. In many ways living with a lot of sun is such a gift. Then there are those who face winter months in much more extreme darkness and grey than I do. They are brave and amazing! I was so incredibly thankful for Autumn and its profusion of color this year,  and felt an almost anxiety at the falling of the leaves. God help me through winter this year. Please help me remember that the Snowdrops will come soon and help me treasure what I have now. May God help you to in whatever way you need. We are never alone.

xo

Gifts

What is one of the most memorable gifts you have ever been given?

What is one of the best gifts you have ever given to someone?

I love to give gifts and at Christmas my mind is pretty occupied with what I could give someone that would make them feel known and loved. It is the perfect opportunity to be a version of myself that I appreciate. 

When my oldest children were young we started a tradition of doing a name draw so that they would have a chance to practice purchasing gifts that were for other people and truly thinking about what that person would want. We opened those gifts on Christmas Eve. I remember my one child who especially loves giving gifts wanted to get his older sister a diamond. He was only about three years old at the time so I have no idea where that thought came from, but it was the sweetest, and he did buy her a 'diamond' necklace!

One of my friends has a tradition where she gets her young son to go and give gift cards to people he feels would like or need them, but that he does not know, in a public setting. She also gets him to drop gifts off to neighbours. I think this is so lovely.

I have given many many gifts to people over the years. I love to do it. Some years my mind is sharp and the opportunities come to give gifts that really do impact people and help them feel known. Other years there is too much going on and I can't quite get into the right zone.

If you thought back through the years what would be the first gift you can remember receiving in your life? I know not everyone celebrates the Christmas season or lives a life of lavish gift giving. However I feel like most people have been given a gift and it does not need to be anything extravagant. A gift is a gift. 

A gift can be a compliment that you've never forgotten, a caring gesture that someone did for you when you were feeling unseen or unloved, a gift can be a kind look, a hug ~ a gift can be a flower growing through a crack in a cement sidewalk.

I hope today that you feel like you have lived a lifetime filled with gifts. There is so much power in gratitude which is what gifts give us the opportunity to flood our mind and soul with.

xo

Tansy

                                                                     My greatest gifts

Family Photos 2025

   My husband and I started dating a few weeks before he left to live in South Africa for six months. Before he left our mutual friend took photos of us. She went on to take engagement photos, wedding photos, maternity photos, grief photos, birth photos, newborn photos....she document our lives until six years ago when she moved away. She also put her camera away at that time. Since then I have been taking photos of my children each year by myself and my husband and I have not been in them. This year my husband expressed really wanting family photos but I did not prioritize it because they are expensive and we have a lot of other expenses on our plate.

However, God cares about the details and He cares about what matters to your heart. My daughter mentioned her dear friend was taking family photos of them and I mentioned that her dad had wanted us to all get photos. She asked her friend and her friend said yes. This darling girl is so talented and such a hard working woman. Our photos ended up being on a dark November day that threatened rain. We had to coordinate all sorts of schedules and kept trying to move the photos to be able to take them without rain but the second we left our home the rain started. By the time we left it was pouring rain. 

However the photos are lovely and I am so thankful to have these. 

Our family is a bit of a gong show. My husband and I struggle in so many ways but in the end our heart beats for our family and for their future. Our life is centred around these miracles and they are just that. Each person you see in these photos? Miracles.