It is very late at night again. It is almost one in the morning and my baby just fell asleep. She has so much energy at night and when she finally goes to sleep my body craves being alone. She co sleeps with me and my husband sleeps in another room. I often have my six year old in bed with me as well. I don't get a lot of time alone and I am an introvert. So here I am.
I was thinking today about my life but especially my adult life. I was at a friend's house last night and I was there alone. She took a few of my children to her daughter's play. The house was completely quiet and I wrote Christmas cards, rested on the couch, and tried to just soak in the peace. Her house is always beautifully decorated for Christmas and I love it. Right before they got back I started to fold a load of laundry that was by the couch. When they got home she commented that she had put it there hoping I would fold it. It felt symbolic to me of my life. Since becoming a mother, being an acts of service person (one of the five love languages) has become one of the biggest parts of who I am. It is unfortunate that not every one of my kids has this as their primary love language ~ I don't know if ANY of them do actually. There are so many things I do for my family out of love, hoping to show love, and they don't feel it.
Today I spent hours cleaning bathrooms, processing laundry, driving people places, Christmas shopping, cleaning my daughter's suite, snuggling my two year old for her nap, serving, serving, serving and that is what I do every single day. It is tedious, exhausting, disheartening at times, never ending and also futile as my work is undone every second. Today as I cleaned downstairs my two year old smeared paint all over the couch. It is ruined but it is a very old couch that we use in our TV room, but still, I am cleaning as she is causing irreparable damage. That sounds about right!
There is a passage of Scripture in the Bible where Jesus is at his friend's house and this friend had two sisters. One sister just sits at Jesus' feet and listens, and the other works frantically to prepare food and clean and DO. Jesus ends up rebuking her (the frantically working one) because she asks her sister to help and expresses displeasure at her sister's rapt attention to Jesus. I am the sister that cleans and cleans and I often feel that Jesus would rebuke me. I can't get around the fact that there is no one else to do the work and it builds up so quickly with so many people in this house. I've never found the balance and often I forgo things I shouldn't because I feel like I need to stay home and clean.
An adult life time of service ~ day in and day out. This is beautiful if my heart is thankful and sincere. This is where I have missed the mark most of the time. I am often walking around with a victim mentality and feeling sorry for myself. I am aware of this now and hope to make different choices around my thoughts and emotions as I serve.
I will continue to serve my family throughout the rest of my life if I can. I hope to be a supportive grandmother and caring mother as long as my days last. I don't see myself accomplishing much else. I have no great career I hope to eventually pursue. I am not waiting for freedom from anything. I am deeply in a part of my life that I have been in for a long time now ~ the serving portion ~ and when you, with stars in your eyes, think about motherhood before you have children; you can't fully comprehend the level of servanthood that will be unlocked. From the time I wake up, and after that it does not end, I am serving. I wonder if when I get to heaven Jesus will be waiting there with someone to serve me for a little bit or if he will let me know I needed to chill and that I had wasted my time with all my cleaning etc. I so hope I am doing what I am supposed to do. There is no one else that will do it here ~ so I keep on.
I am going to try to sleep now.
May your Sunday be beautiful
Tansy
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