My Blood On Their Hands

 This is a possible trigger warning if you have gone through pregnancy loss, or chemotherapy, or if you can't handle blood please don't read this.

 I was reminded today about times people have had my blood literally staining their hands during times of trauma. It has been more than once. 

I have gone through two miscarriages that involved a lot of bleeding. One time I was at a function and I didn't know it yet but I had a major tumour inside of me. If I didn't get it dealt with I would eventually bleed to death. While I was at the function I started to haemorrhage. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and my friend followed me. I was weak and shaking and she took my clothes and started washing them. They were soaked in blood.  I cry as I write this. She was so kind and selfless as my blood poured over her hands as she washed the clothing. She also lent me her clothing as mine were ruined.  I was so embarrassed and she was so kind. I got myself put somewhat back together and we went back to the function. A few days later I was admitted to the hospital and she drove me. I started chemotherapy that would save my life ~ and also alter it forever.

Fast forward multiple years and I am going to experience another miscarriage. I am home with my children and can feel the contractions getting incredibly strong. My husband is at work and has no intention of coming home. I message two friends ~ both who have babies and both who live far away. I don't ask them to come I just let them know that I think I am losing the baby. They jump in their cars and start driving. When they arrive I am sitting on my shower floor covered in blood. I am weak to the point of passing out and can't get up. Both of these friends ended up with my blood on their hands. One of them put my baby in a jar for me to bury. One of them showered me off and wrapped me in blankets. They made my husband come home and help carry me to bed. He had not fully understood the gravity of it all and came running when he knew. 

My husband has also had my blood on his hands.

Some of us grow up knowing life is going to be challenging. We just have an inner knowing. This is maybe because life has never been easy from our first breath. However, we can't know what is to come. That is the gift of not knowing the future. Something I have learned is that we can choose to remember the gifts given us during the trauma even if they are few. 

I have been blessed to receive many many gifts through traumatic experience and loss. I have had people who were stained by my blood and when I apologized they waved it off. They willingly walked with me through the pain and hardship and trauma.

I wanted to say today to you ~ that as the Christmas season approaches, as a Christian, I am thinking a lot about Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save the world. He came to heal, He came to love, he came to shake up the way people did things, He came. Eventually he shed his blood and took our sin. Before he came the only way to atone from sin was through the shedding of blood. He shed his. It is hard to really comprehend this for me. However when I think of moments in my life when someone has done something so selfless and so caring for me ~ like the moments I shared above ~ I can understand more ~ and the thankfulness I feel I can't describe.

I hope as you walk through your life ~ whether you are in a prolonged season of pain and trauma or whether life is actually lovely right now ~ I hope you know that you are loved dearly and perfectly. I hope you can FEEL that love from Jesus.

If you are struggling to feel that love ~ please ask Jesus to show you how He loves you.

He will

xo Tansy