Walmart Moments

Right now the baby is playing with a Cocoa Cannister and a lid from a canning jar, everyone else is out of the house for a moment. So I thought I'd try to write.
Today I went to Walmart. I brought my four children with me. They are ten, eight, four and eleven months. The baby was on my back in an Ergo and he decided it would be fun to obssively scratch me. So my ten year old had to hold his hands as we walked. I had to keep putting back random articles the four year old was trying to adopt. My eight year old was an angel today and he needs a shout out for that because he usually has a melt down. My ten year old got underwear in the womans section for the first time ever. Tear.
After we made it out of there alive (and just barely alive at that) with three minion shirts, matching dresses for the girls, a pair of goggles and some tea tree oil, and the said womans underwear; I was driving home and I got thinking ~In life in North American there are Walmart Moments. Now this may just be news to you and you may have never realized this fact. However I will enlighten you. When you go to Walmart if you keep your eyes and ears open; you WILL HAVE a Walmart Moment. And...if you are lucky my little gang of hooligans and I may JUST provide you with that said moment. If its not us though dont worry. Someone will be faithful to provide it. Just you wait.
Now Walmart moments are gems and they are completely random. One of my most memorable Walmart Moments included a time in my life when I had but two children. I observed a Dutch Reform mother with six children about six and under. She had twins that were a couple months old she was pushing in a double stroller. Then she had two carts (yes two). She was pulling one as she was pushing the stroller and it had two children in it. Then she had her six year old eldest daughter pushing another one with a child in it. As I was watching her in total awe, and a tiny bit of horror, the wheels of the stroller locked up. Let me just say that my Walmart moment was shared by many that day. There was a collective gasp of horror. No one really knew what to do. Did we go help her? Did she want help? Any woman who braved Walmart with that many babies, a double stroller, and two carts MUST be some sort of super woman. Time froze, and she somehow corralled her busy two year old who was jumping out of the one cart, got the wheels of the buggy straightened out, re propped the propped bottles in the twins mouths, got a firm grip on the cart behind her, and continued chugging with her train. I closed my mouth, started breathing again, and continued on my way. However I never forgot her.
Whenever I go to Walmart I feel like I step into Texas for a moment. Now I have only been to Texas once and I only got off a plane, drove in an airport shuttle, stayed at a hotel, and then was off the next day, but the impression in my mind was that Texans would enjoy Walmart. I seriously sometimes feel like if I just channeled some inner Texan I would enjoy Walmart better. I always have such high hopes from some sort of earth child point of view. Like maybe I'll find something whimsical and beautiful and totally high quality there. Nope not so much. I do SOMETIMES find something cute for a my girls. However it is Walmart cute. Like the super cute, pink, baby girl onesie, with the sparkling gold pineapples all over it. Okay well it SOUNDS hideous but it was cute I promise. And I can always count on Walmart to have bright yellow Minion shirts for all ages and slippers for that matter. Today there was a bald woman in a black bikini buying woolen slippers in front of us. Hows that for a Walmart Moment! I bought minion slippers last Christmas from there just in case anyone needs some I'm pretty sure they have more. I can also count on Walmart for one dollar magnifying glasses (and around here where my two middles dream of being spies that is a big deal) and plastic sheet covers. Walmart has my back in the child's underwear department and gum boots if the thift store doesn't have our needed size. Walmart carries my favorite gold sparkly nail polish for a $1.99 and when I needed a doll stroller that is where I headed. Where I live, Walmart used to be the main part of a mall we had so everyone just called it the Walmart Mall. Now it has moved and it has its own whole plaza.
Whenever I go to Walmart the people watching is truely a treat and the conversations you over hear are priceless. In our Walmart you dont have cell phone reception so people are sort of out of their comfort zone and talking a little more loudly than usual. I think the bright colors, loads of plastic, and sheer volume of choice in anything from lipstick to cat food, cushioned toilet seat covers to windshield wipers, and everything in between, would throw anyone off their game a bit.
Today when we headed for Walmart I specifically asked each child if they felt 'able' to 'handle' Walmart today. Each child responded with yes. However I realized that after about ten minutes in Walmart I start turning into this wild yes shopper. I mean my cart had goggles and minion shirts, matching dresses and fruit snacks and I almost had two 'bed in a bag's' come home with me also. I refrained from plastic minion cups and a huge ball of ten dollar yarn, a massive purple beach ball and a plastic cell phone for the baby. And I really wanted this stuff. The only reason I refrained was because my baby was scratching me and my four year old and eight year old were in the cart so who had room? Not me.
 Who Am I when I go there? Someone I dont even know. Last time I went to Walmart was with my husband and somehow we walked out of there with a $200.00 blender called a Ninja. So basically I came home from Walmart with a Ninja.
Anyway Walmart Moments are really a thing of beauty if you can channel your inner Texan. Take a minute to enjoy the jewelry section or even just the bathing suits and let your eyes be dazzled with color and brilliance. Also, a word to the wise, if you have children that struggle with anxiety...maybe dont take them there. EVER. Unless you are prepared. And I mean PREPARED.
Your welcome

Disclaimer ~ I dont have time to check my grammer and spelling. My baby and other children attack me and my key board while I type and the baby is screaming right now. So if there are massive errors, well, the baby is now biting my feet!!!!!!

After a While

"Comes The Dawn"

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
Author Unknown

I think you also have a chance to learn this after every hello don't you? I hope for the grace of a woman. Inside I still feel like such a child. This poem is so intense on so many levels. Especially for me today.

Pine Trees in the Rain

Barter

By Sara Teasdale

 

Life has loveliness to sell,

      All beautiful and splendid things,

Blue waves whitened on a cliff,

      Soaring fire that sways and sings,

And children's faces looking up

Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,

      Music like a curve of gold,

Scent of pine trees in the rain,

      Eyes that love you, arms that hold,

And for your spirit's still delight,

Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,

      Buy it and never count the cost;

For one white singing hour of peace

      Count many a year of strife well lost,

And for a breath of ecstasy

Give all you have been, or could be. 

 

 

There are lines in this poem I love and lines in this poem I dont love at all. However I felt the need to read it today. I need more than one white singing hour of peace....I need many. I need some spirits still delight and splendid things.

I am having a hard day today. Lots of anxiety from my children. I cant seem to center them but I know why. We are going to buy some honey now so we will get out for a bit.

I hope whoever reads this is having a better day than I :)

Mondays and Showers

 Today is Monday. I have a friend who looks forward to Mondays because her husband has that day off. I love that. I want to look forward to Monday. I need something about it that makes me excited for it. That is all I wanted to say about that.
Every morning I wake up and feel like I cannot possibly lift my body off my bed (or in this case my couch because I sleep in my living room right now and the baby sleeps on the floor). I have been up many times in the night and so even though the day has dawned and the darkness has passed...I feel like I cant face the light. I drag out the getting up. I bark and am grumpy at everyone and finally I drag myself down the short hallway to the shower.
Today the bath was full of old slimy water and so I fished out the gross bath toys, drained the water, cleared a path through the dirty clothes and towels and prepared for my baptism.
I feel like my shower each days is akin to a baptism.
It is like I wash off the stains and filth of the day before and the haze and shadows of the long night. All I did the day before that was horrible or selfish or I regret is gone. My bathtub is usually grimy and I start out feeling still asleep. By the end of the shower (and mine are freakishly short because of the baby who is at the mercy of three children and who is usually screaming at the door anyway) I feel revived. I feel like I have a fresh start and I can sally forth. I usually get a chance for a quick prayer also. I get out and today I dressed in old jogging capris that are my painting capris (because they are comfy and I am currently serving as a human snot rag ), my undershirt (because for some reason quite a few years back I started wearing a long undershirt and now I feel weird without one) and a shirt. I whip my hair back in some sort of elastic and brush my teeth. Anything else after that is a miracle because of everyone calling, screaming, crying and needing every shred of what I have to give.
The shower is the one constant, soothing, rejuvenating, healing part of my life right now.
I felt eloquent enough about that to write about it.
I am trying to see beauty now. Each moment. I dont want to think about the future and where I might get to go and see. I dont want to dream about a holiday and how I'd relax or feel better there. I want to be glad here.
Right now the baby has emptied a container of about five hundred pencil crayons someone wanted to donate to us one day, and now he is sitting in it.

My oldest has been playing in the kitchen making a splendid mess but loving creating beautiful drinks and pretending she is a waitress .
The two middles are playing that the baby has been found in the jungle raised by wild animals.
I am sitting at the table surrounded by DVDs that the baby is now pulling out of the drawers, pencil crayons, food from breakfast, paper from map drawing...its all around and I get to clean it up.
Here's to Monday and my baptism

I Hate My Toilet

I have to just say....I hate my toilet.
Now in just saying that a wave of something akin to horror washes over me.
There are A LOT of people in the world that dont have a toilet. So why I think I have any right to hate this lovely white porcelin invention that magically swallows all our family's waste I dont know. However, this is my North America, to rich to really understand how grateful I should be, rant.
We have one toilet and five people using it. The baby would LIKE to use it but he uses it for the wrong things so I am constantly yelling...SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR. I tell him his time is coming.
When we moved into this house I found it very unfair that the tenants downstairs, moving into their two bedroom suite, had two bathrooms, but that was just the case. My husband and I tried to think of every way we could add an extra toilet into the upstairs of this house. I considered one just nestled in the corner of my small bedroom or in my closet. I thought of one on my partially covered deck...ANYWHERE where there was some plumbing in my house was fair game. We live in the upstairs of a house that has three bedrooms, one bathroom with a stackable washer and driver crammed in it plus one sink and a toilet and bathtub. Pulling my laundry out of the dryer involves some maneuvering especially when the baby is trying so assist. The whole place is just crammed with us. I even tried to get a second toilet installed in the bathroom where the washer and dryer were and the washer and dryer moved to a hall closet but no can do. We had very limited money and no matter how hard we wracked our brains it just was too much time and money. The way the house is layed out we just could not add one on anywhere.
That being said, the level of privacy in our home is basically non existent. Why just a couple days ago my friend was visiting and she was having a shower. Being the absolute angel that she is she did not lock the door (in case of a dire bladder or other emergency) and of course my four year old bounced in announcing she needed to, 'go pee' and assured my friend she would not flush the toilet. The four year old thought nothing of it. I heard her happily chatting to my showering friend. My friend managed to play it cool. She had already been walked in on the night before so she was getting used to it I guess. When my husband gets home from work he wants to take a shower. It does not matter if I get every single child to use that toilet before he gets in the shower...the spirit will move and someone will be in a panick. My husband yells for them to use the back yard and I expertely unlock the door using a butter knife. The poor man, but I will not have my children using the back yard for all to see. We are ghetto enough as it is thank you very much!
So about this toilet.
It gets used A LOT
Before we moved here the toilet was used A LOT as the house was very full
So this toilet has been faithful for a long time
I REMEMBER this toilet well from through the years
Because it does NOT like to flush and it hasn't for years.
When we moved in I wanted a new toilet but once again somehow other things like counter tops and fresh paint got in the way.
So I have three children using the toilet. None of them flush regularly. Posted signs, friendly and not so friendly reminders...just nothing has sunk in. Now if this was when I was little, living on our farm where we ran out of water in the summer time.... so we were not allowed to flush, that would be perfect. I really appreciate that fact that we have the option of flushing and so I get maybe more frustrated than the average person when the toilet is not flushed. 
This toilet though really hates flushing. So in order to flush it the handle must be held down until the bitter end. Sometimes that doesn't even work. It is getting to the point that I stand there holding the handle cursing in my head and trying to remind myself that I HAVE a toilet. I am not using a bucket or digging a hole in the back yard. I am also so sick of being the only person in my house that changes the toilet paper roll, but I digress.
So I am finding that to get a (ahem) number two down this toilet it can take up to three flushes and it seems that if one child needs to go it causes an interesting dancing line up in the hall way, and everyone needs to go desperately! So I am starting to have to stand there for quite a while flushing and flushing and flushing
I. just. cant. handle. it. any. more. (get it....handle it :)
So
Anyway
I hate my toilet
I just texted my husband and told him to not come home without a new toilet today
I doubt he will. He is so tired from such a long week. All he needs is to be trying to install a new toilet as children are crying and screaming to use the one he is uninstalling.
I am not someone who goes out and buys house hold appliances. I sort of leave those types of things up to him. However I can envision myself marching into Home Depot with the four children, baby on my hip and picking out the most capable looking toilet. It will have to go through a lot of crap and will need to be up for the mammoth job.  And putting it in my van...the one that does not have a trunk. Who makes a family van without a trunk? Someone who is insane that is who. So I'd get this toilet, load up the kids and one of them would have to be snuggling the new toilet. What if it fell over? Someone would be crushed.
 I just.cant.even.

That is my Saturday rant
I better go clean the dang thing
Maybe that will encourage it to want to flush with a little more gusto.

Hero

Once when a certain someone I know was young they lived on a farm.
The stories they tell me are crazy.
I personally was way to responsible as a child.
I usually made very good choices and was quite an annoying goody two shoes.
This little one was not
At all
Often when his dad got home after a long day of work he would have to go spank this little one as mom would have lost her cool a long way back
One day he was so sick of having to come home and spank that he told the boy he was going to hit the bed and he wanted the boy to yell really loudly. So that is what they did. Mom was never the wiser and felt vindicated. The very mischievous boy never forgot that.
When this little one was told to not pick any apples off the tree to eat he obeyed. The next day his dad found a core still attached to the tree....the apple had been very painstakingly eaten..but not picked off the tree.
The farm still had a bull so this little one tortured it until it chased him into the hay loft. He was trapped there and felt a little chill. So he decided to light a small fire to warm himself. He was in the hay loft. So he proceeded to make the fire. It got larger quite quickly and so being the extremely bright child that he was he realized that things might be getting out of hand so he put the fire out quickly ~ with his bare feet.
He has so many similar stories up his sleeve....I just do not relate..AT ALL
I was pretty careful as a child.
I also lived on a farm for a portion of child hood. I never tortured a bull or built a fire in the hay loft. I was way to logical for that. I really cant remember a single crazy thing I did. I remember I worked a lot.I saved many a baby chick from death, and mice and anything else that was hurt. I remember I was sensitive to beauty and to pain. I held onto hope.
I wish I would have been more like this other child I am talking about. I viewed the world through careful eyes. His eyes sparkled.
He spent every spare minute outside.
He lived with abandon and cheated death so many times.. 
Somehow this mischievous boy and this careful girl got together and got married.
It has been a rocky road this adventure we started and are in together. How could it not be when we are so opposite. I am constantly trying to pull on the reigns and he wants to kick into a gallop.
How does he put up with me?
How has he not gone stark raving mad?
He is a hero
xo

Abide

Abide ~ to remain or continue. There is a book that I wish I read more of. I have read it through a couple times in my life and I miss it. I don't read it much anymore. Sometimes when I feel so drained and I don't know where to turn...something from that book comes into my mind and it will be the perfect encouragement for the moment.  John 15:7 ~ 'If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.' The verses before and after ask us to do the same. To abide, to remain~ to be connected~
 How when we are separate beings we are missing something vital when we don't abide.  We cant live fully. 
What if everything was stripped away. All the aches, the anxiety, the tiredness, everything pulling so intensely, and we just simply tried to abide ~ in connection and love. In communion. 
With the one who created everything you love, everything that inspires you and fills you. If you continued in Him rather than You.
I am often overwhelmed as I have stated many times. Today it has been about my body. I feel super chubby today. None of my pants fit. I keep gaining weight and I am so hungry all the time.It feels like a vicious cycle. I just felt defeated today.  I just got more and more anxious. Every mirror slapped me across the face.
Then I thought about resting in love. I have been reading a book with a friend called 'Becoming Myself' and it is teaching and reminding me of some life giving truths. Abiding in Jesus who just fills us, accepts us, loves us and who knows our hearts is so much more effective and powerful than rules or judgement. Somehow thinking about that helped me release some of the angst. I hope as I head into the weekend ~ tired and drained, with a husband coming home very late on a Friday feeling exactly the same way, I can abide in Jesus, let him fill me, and know that He hears me, he knows what I wish, what I need. He knows what you need too ~

XO

Treasures and Moments ~ Reminders

 A new tradition. Traditions are important.

 Hair grows back

Celebrate simple things

Sometimes coloring is one of life's hardest jobs

 I am loved

 Mother's day tea

 Treasures from loves

 Inspiration

Thrift store treasure

Just writing

Asking yourself questions about yourself ~ Always a good initiative. I have been doing this lately. Okay honestly I do this a lot. I question why. Sometimes the answers shift something inside. Sometimes they bring up shadows. Sometimes they bring about joy or relief.
When I write a lot of times it is for the purpose of debriefing. I have done this since such a young age. It is to help me process and get through something. It is to help me sort out what is happening in my head.
So something I have realized through time is the value I place on friendships. They mean the world to me. I do basically all I can to nurture and keep friendships alive. I have realized though that I wanted friendships to feed me in a way that was not realistic or healthy. I needed the friends to replace the family connections I did not have. So the pressure I put on my friends was always too much.
I recently read a book called, 'Hold On To Your Kids,' by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld. It finally defined what I had struggled with throughout my life. It talked about how in this day and age children are being put in child care from an early age because both parent have to work. They are put in pre school and so many activities. Families are losing their connections and attachment. They are not spending quality daily time together where they are relaxed, at ease, connecting to each other.Most of the time this is not because they dont want to! This is not done on purpose. Since all of us as humans have a deep desire for connection children are looking for it everywhere. The pressure they now face is to be 'socialized' adequately. So they do as they can. They start to try to attach to their friends because that is who they are with the most. They base everything on what their friends think and say (especially as they start to get a bit older). They replace family with friends. The book discusses the danger of this and what it does to our children and how it is damaging society in a terrifying way.
When I was little I did not grow up with a TV or cell phone. There was no social media. So I talked on the phone to my friends a lot. I went on play dates a lot or stayed at my friends houses for days at a time. I was homeschooled also from age eight to twelve and so I didn't go to school and see friends every day. However I still tried desperately to stay connected to friends however I could. When I went to school it was awesome for me because I could be with friends every day.
As a mom I really stressed out because I could not find a 'best friend' for my daughter when she was little. My friends were a bit behind me starting to have children and I was not very out going, so making new friends did not come easy. Also my daughter didn't really need a best friend so she was not looking as hard as I was. She had lots of play dates but I thought she was supposed to find and cling onto a best buddy. They were supposed to be soul mates. I honestly spent so much time stressing and crying about this. I thought there was something wrong. Now I realize she had connection in other places and little children don't always naturally form 'best friendships' with random children. They become good friends if their parents allow it and foster it. However the most natural relationships they want and do well at is with parents and siblings. Well that was a relief in many ways! However it was also a challenge. Fostering attachment does not come easy in this house. I can work hard, I can do do do. I can wash dishes and do laundry and I can read stories...I can do all the things I observed as a child. However just sitting down and snuggling? Playing games? Going outside and just hanging out? That is a whole different story. I can see how my children will base more and more value on friendships if need be. I dont want that to be their story. Friends are wonderful! Such gifts. However they are supposed to be just that ~ gifts. I want my children to be able to want to just stay home and play, to stay home and be with me and my husband. I want them to not feel that desperate need to get out because they need to find connection!!!
I realize now that children from closely connected families do not form friendships that are the be all end all. Why? Because they dont need them.They have wonderful friends and enjoy friends. However the friendship does not feed that primal need. It took me years to figure this out. I had a friend in high school that baffled me because she would not prioritize her friends over her family. Family always came first and she just genuinely wanted to be with them. I had no comprehension of that! Now that I look back I completely understand. And her parents ended up being the ones that totally influenced my small grad class the most. They were our grad trip guardians. They had our class over for dinners. They ended up impacting each of us deeply. They understood attachment and connection. They pulled us close and held us dear. They nurtured us and fed us. They laughed and played games and challenged us to live life to the full, to make wise choices, and we loved them so much. I didn't understand it all that well then. However I knew they had what I didn't.
With all that being said, I had this other little aha moment today.
I have often wondered at my longing to live in community. I have felt so isolated and lonely as a mother. I have felt overwhelmed and unable to cope.  I have longed for a friend to chat with, wash dishes with, cook with, and just live life with. I have wanted to live on a small property and have another family or two live on the same one. We would all live in separate houses but our children could play together and there would be this feeling......(I just smile at myself) of CONNECTION. In our society in North America we are not usually able to pull that off. We are society of separation. We have our fences and create our own little islands. However when you find a space or a town where community is present your cup overflows :)
 I realized today...
Oh I am so slow!!
I realized that my restlessness, my longing, is because each day I am looking for and wanting to feel connected to someone. I am wanting to feel like someone cares about me in this little pocket of the world I inhabit. I want to feel like I am not alone in this monumental task I have before me. I want to feel like someone thought of me and cared enough to reach out. However with my issues that feeling of connection is so precarious. It is so shaky.
I dont really know how others deal with this issue. I also often feel like a freak :) However!!!!
I want to feel like I have roots sunken deep somewhere important, but often I feel like a flailing panicked new born. In all this, Jesus has been so faithful in wooing my heart and giving me opportunity to plug in here and there. To have pockets of time of deep connection.
Connection pulls you in
Washes you clean
Floods you with peace
Calls you to life

That is why my heart cries for it everyday. It is a relentless pursuit of mine.

Six Hundred and Seventy Three Gifts

One Thousand Gifts. One year for my birthday three different people bought me the book, One Thousand Gifts, written by Ann Voskamp. Those that didn't give it to me casually mentioned it in conversation saying they thought it might be a book I would like. I felt like it was a more than obvious sign I was supposed to read it. So I rebelled and didn't read it for a while. Then I did.
It was written in a way that caused my heart to ache. I related to her battles. I loved how God spoke to her and how she responded. I will never look at the tiny bubbles that come out of my dish soap dispenser the same again.
The book challenges you on many levels but one thing that a lot of people have decided to do is to write out their own one thousand gifts list. So dutifully I got my book and was faithful for a while. Then I guess I got more and more UNgrateful and didn't want to focus on my gifts but my sadness. Anyway so I stopped. I found my book a couple days ago and was looking through some of the six hundred and seventy three gifts I had written down.
There is something powerful in taking your thoughts captive. Eyes opened to the gifts.

I started my book May 1, 2013 and wrote

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart ~ William Wordsworth

'I find the breathings of my heart are mostly negative and ugly. I despise this ~ enough that I want to give myself real opportunity to change. I am inspired through reading Ann Voskamp's book to attempt to keep a record of purity and beauty translating to thankfulness; hoping that by filling this book my heart will be more filled with purity and beauty and therefore thankfulness rather than impatience, unthankfulness and depression.'

My first entry happened as I was driving down a country road. I was turning left and it was 7:00pm. The sun was filtering through the leaves in the soft light of coming evening. Coming towards me around a curve in the road was a royal blue Model T Ford from years ago. For a moment I was covered in chills, and I felt like I was intruding on a time that had already happened long ago ~ I had been transported back for just a second ~ it was breathtaking. The light, the spring leaves, and the origional beautiful vehicle.

Here are some others:

11. How my little cat Wednesday waits for any spare moment on my lap
14. Hot summer sun's first kiss ~ you stagger a little at the intensity
22. Watermelon juice dripping out of everyone's mouths
37. Freshly shaved legs ~ feeling like I'm trying
44. My wind chime from Heather
80. Ferns uncurling
95. My little bowl from Emily
121. A field of Queen Anne's lace in the middle of the highway
144. Piles of driftwood
164. Wild sweet peas
172. A love filled look - so full of life when accepted
254. The smell of hay
264. Grief - giving me eyes to open wide and to remember
292. Finding a dish towel when I need one
315. Baby teeth
371. Piles of glistening purple star fish
403. Suntans and freckles
438. A scuttling skunk outside my little fence
445. That walls can always be re painted
448. A pee free bed
488. My grandmother's braided rugs
511. My boy wanting a loin cloth made for him
528. Beautiful bright snow
610. That I could have a midwife
623. The high I get from craft fairs
634. My babie's dimples when he grins
661. Patches of sunlight on the side of a mountain

All of these are every day happenings. They slip by and are gone. However when you are consciously looking for them, looking for the wonder in them; hoping for thankfulness to flood your soul ~ This little list that quickly is not so little....impacts you. It helps you set your heart aright.

Life is
Beauty
Full

Eucharisteo

I wish I could express the wildness and wonder that my heart explodes with when I watch the children that have been gifted to me. When I see my husband living in the moment full to the brim of amazingness and life. When there are smiles and laughter and moments of deep connection. All of this did not just happen. It was not by accident. All these moments come because of choices we have made and I am grateful.

Thank you to my friends who know me and who love me and who bought me this book.

If you have not read One Thousand Gifts, and would like to, let me know and you can borrow one of mine.xo







 

Poem by Grandma (1)

 Little Pleasures  by June Green

Plant some pansies by your doorstep

Watch them blossom one by one,

Blue and mauve and golden yellow

Looking up to see the sun

Hope for lots of bright tomorrows

Ask your neighbors in for tea

Put aside your little sorrows

Find some joy in all you see

Walk along a path in winter

Make an angel in the snow

Life has many little pleasures

Try them all before you go

Shadows

Today I feel a restlessness that often comes. I am not sure what to do about it. My mind is blank. It usually happens when I am so tired I feel useless. I feel so tired and yet there is always an endless list of tasks to do. I live in a pretty small space compared to what I used to live in and I cant keep up with the four little ones that have so much get up and go. Some nights my baby is up so many times I never really get to sleep. I will just drift off and he is up again. I am not sure if it is heart burn or allergies or teething or what the issue is but the fact of the matter is...sleep is something I obsess about sometimes. Since my eldest moved in with us I have been up at least twice a night. She is now ten and she moved in when she was one and a half. I would say through all these years there has probably been about a month maybe two in total (but not all those nights together) where I have slept through the night. I feel like I am this shadow of mist. Like someone could just touch me with one finger and I'd disappear. That is how fragile I feel. I know many mothers understand this to some degree. However for many of these years the nights have involved horrific screams of pain from my son. He has had a medical issue that has just this last year seemed to disappear. It has involved him waking up in so much pain and just screaming. When he was a baby I was so devastated to not be able to help him. I didn't know what was happening and doctors just thought he was colicky. Anyway that is not the point. The point is my constant restlessness. Like I am missing clarity. I want to feel alive and awake and capable. I seriously sometimes feel like I am going insane because I want to sleep so badly but there is so little real chance. I want to feel smart and capable. This blog is me rebelling against my life. It is me fighting back against the mundane relentless days of exhaustion.
This reality, it is not something I ever dreamed of when I thought about becoming a mother. I guess I didn't really think much past getting pregnant. I was so naive and aren't we all.
I feel like I have been gypped in some ways of the capacity to be the mother I could be, or the wife I could be, or the friend I could be, or the woman I could be if I had more sleep.  I see so many mothers that do so much. They can handle their children, be consistent, teach them better and just handle the incoming every day. I know I sound like I am complaining and I am today. I also have not had children that nap in the day after they turn two. In this newest babies case rarely does he nap in the day and if  does it is usually for about twenty minutes. So between him and his four year old sister who cant fall asleep till at least ten each night...the whining and crying all day..... It's hard to take.
The bad days mean falling asleep while sitting up and reading to the children as my eyes are red and burning. I know now that I wont die. I will always keep on going. However sometimes I let myself grieve the fact that I am not all me. I grieve that my energy is so low and my feelings of inadequacy are so high.I love being a mother so much. I love my sweet incredible children. I love my husband and the life that we have worked so hard to build together. However because of this lack of sleep

I am so often a shadow just wanting to break free.

Rising

Through morning mist
And coming light
Despairing shadows
Of darkness fade
Light rays reach
Color silently blazes
Corals, the most delicate of blues
I can glimpse it
But in my house in town
Walls and trees and house tops
Hide this glorious unfolding
Communion with a sunrise
With a promise.
In this time of mine
I dont see the glorious unfolding
In the same ways
I must send my mind's eye....
Reveling in a brief glimpse
Remembering many a glorious morning
Where my breathe was caught by the beauty
Did I bask in it enough?
Did it color my soul enough?
To endure through duller times?
When through mist
I saw the coming light
Rays spreading farther
Corals, the most delicate of blues
Warmest yellow
Rising

---

Dont Let Go

Time marches on
It slows not for me
Nor for you
And so
Live
Not for yesterday
Not for tomorrow
But for today
There are hearts waiting
There are hands waiting
To be held
There is laughter
There are tears
Waiting to be unleashed
Each moment in this march of time
Is just that
And sometimes moments become mintues that become hours
Filled with so much goodness
Your heart overflows
That is what you hold on to
When moments become minutes that become hours
Of sorrow
And you know not where your next breath will come from
Because of the pain
That is what you hold on to
When everything else has faded away
Blackberry juice staining little mouths
Laughter and tickling
Lying in a field watching the clouds
Grasshoppers and frogs
Happy hearts that glowed
Hold on to this
Dont let go
Dont let got

Sermon to myself

I need to preach a little sermon to myself so I here I go.
I sometimes try to imagine what life would be like if I was a pioneer woman. Or just a woman living without electricity and appliances. My grandma spent her early years on a farm in Saskatchewan ( I love spelling this name by the way Sas Kat Che Wan). She had no indoor plumbing or electricity and she went places with a horse and buggy. I know that is a huge part of why she was such an incredibly smart, resourceful, creative and inspiring woman. I wish I felt like I was even a tiny bit like her in my abilities. When I would go to her house she would usually be making some jam or applesauce or was out in her garden or she be whipping up some sort of delicious dinner like it was nothing. Her mashed potatoes were so dang good and I dont think she had anything in them but butter, milk and salt. She was a master gardener and her flower gardens reflected the creativity inside her. My mom talks about how she would come home some days and my grandma would have decided to upholster her chairs or sew an outfit and she would just do it.

My grandpa is a very intelligent man and very talented. He was also quite famous. So all my grandma's giftings sort of paled in comparison. I feel like she felt that way sometimes anyway. All the famous Scientists that came to her house enjoyed her cooking from the produce she grew and slept under quilts she made, but I dont know how often they engaged her in conversation. My grandma was an incredible help mate. She worked at my grandpa's newspaper when he owned one. She prepared all the food and got the kids ready for the boat every weekend because he was obsessive about sailing. She hiked endless trails, and manned the sails. When he ran the sand sculptures in Harrison she was the photographer. I wonder if she every got mad or felt stifled or like she wanted to get away and shine. I wonder this because of the thoughts that go through my head. I feel like my life is so easy. I have a dishwasher. She never had one. I dont sew my clothes. She sewed most of hers and looked so regal. I dont make a healthy balanced meal every night. She did. I dont have a garden this year. I dont know how to can and pickle and quilt because I dont need to. The list is endless.
However that doesn't really matter. I am a stay at home mother. I serve and serve and serve. Last night I blew up about it and was super rude to my husband about 'serving'. I needed to step back a moment and remember no matter where you are and no matter if you are 'noticed' or not...you can quietly shine. You can do things that you love. You can do things that make your heart happy. That is what my grandma did! When my grandma couldn't do something as she aged she would do something else. That is why she learned to play piano. When she couldn't do that anymore than she wrote poetry and it was incredible. She didn't let the fact that she went virtually blind and deaf defeat her. She just kept on shining. I feel like at this stage of my life I let a lot of things get me down.

 Admittedly I did not know my grandma when she had five small children. Her life was probably a lot less creative. I know she never folded laundry just had a clean basket that everyone had to pick out of. So I know that cutting myself slack is important. However I want to take parts of her essence and adorn myself. I want to remember her spirit and be inspired. I want to realize that I am not a pioneer woman for heavens sakes! I have life so EASY! I am not cooking over an open fire or a hot wood stove. I am not making all my children's clothes, washing them by hand, and doing cloth diapers, I am not milking cows, making butter and cheese and baking bread. I am not preserving everything because I dont have a fridge. I am not spending hours in a huge garden because I have to to survive. I dont HAVE to wear a dress every day. See what I mean? It's crazy how easy I have it. Yet every day (well almost every day) I am pretty sure I dissolved into tears at least once and feel like I need to have a pity party because I am so tired. Imagine if I was trying to cook for this family over a wood stove with food that I could not refrigerate. See, even writing this make me feel like getting my chin up a little higher and squaring my shoulders. My life is EASY. So with that I am going to head into the weekend with this very trashed house...with thankfulness. I KNOW I have that spirit in me. I know I can keep on keeping on. I know I can handle whatever I need to. I know I can shine and so can you! So can you.
'Keep on my good woman...keep on...(that's for you Margie ~ love ya)

Hot Bod

A couple of my children are in swimming lessons right now. It is summer time and swimming is one of those life lessons that we all should have down if possible ~ even if we cant swim someone should teach us to FLOAT! Right now my two middle ones are in the lessons that teach them to float. They are both super skinny and floating is sort of impossible. It's pretty cute to see them try. 
Now normally I dont go to the public pool. It's sad really how much I really don't like it. Going swimming is something my children have always done with their dad. He is a champ and has progressed from feeling overwhelmed at taking two little ones to thinking that taking six kids is really a piece of cake. We only have four but he does not flinch at taking extra children with him. I think he is a hero. However I am not sure if my children even know I can swim much less if they would recognize me in a bathing suit. I am not totally sure what my issue is with public pools. I think there might be more than one. I just don't like them. 
Anyway so I have been going to the pool every morning this week. It's been blowing my mind. The woman. Their bodies. The bathing suits.  I have low self esteem and hate baring much skin. So I have a deep respect for woman who have the guts to just put on a bathing suite...extra props for a bikini, and just strut their stuff. No t shirts covering them, no shorts just the bathing suit. I have seen stretch marks, wrinkles, varicose veins, muscles and flab, acne, baby bellies, tattoo's galore ~ all shapes and sizes ~ and all sorts of beauty. That's the thing. Each woman's body tells a story and brings a deep and different beauty to the pool. It has really inspired me and encouraged me. There is something beautiful about vulnerability and there is something even more beautiful about confidence. Now a woman might feel horrible in her bathing suit but if she is at the public pool with her family and she is wearing one...she has some sort of confidence somewhere inside her and I love it!!!! 
I grew up in a family where there was not a lot of healthy body image or confidence or love of self bestowed. It was just the opposite. So I find that I over cover myself. If you see me in a short(ish) skirt or I'm only wearing one shirt (and not an undershirt) I am feeling really naked and exposed. I ask my husband a lot if I look modest and he usually chuckles and assures me all is more than fine.
When did all these feeling start? I see my four year old just dance through the parking lot into the pool wearing only her bathing suite. I see my ten year old run around in just a bathing suit thinking nothing of it. At what point in my life did I stop feeling that way? What happened?
Now wanting to be modest is a good thing but wanting to be covered up because you feel negative towards yourself is a whole other story. So this week as I have observed all these woman, in all their glory, in every shape and form, showing their confidence and beauty to their children, it has blessed me, and made me think. I have had to hold myself back from going and thanking some of them. I don't want to creep them out :) I still don't think I can go to the public pool to swim and I don't know if this summer will see me in a bathing suit (it doesn't really fit right now anyway), but I might try out some spaghetti straps or something, but at the same time...maybe if I did someone else might have a moment like I am having ~ where they want to feel different, better ~ healed. Where they have a moment that they realize...dang they have a hot body, and its all their own!

Rivendell

Do you feel like you need a rest? This is Rivendell on Bowen Island. It is on top of a mountain and it is somewhere you can escape to to rest. You pay by donation and you bring your own food. They have kitchens on each floor. The building is beautiful and restful and there are hiking trails all around. There is a labyrinth and  prayer chapel also.

 You can go by yourself, with your partner or a friend. They ask you stay for a couple days at least to really have a rest.You'll need a car over there but you only pay one way for the ferry.

http://www.rivendellretreat.org/

While you are there you can explore the beautiful little town and spend time by the Ocean.

Rivendell might just be what your soul needs right now.
XO

Morning Has Broken

Morning has broken like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the Word

Sweet the rains new fall, sunlit from Heaven
Like the first dewfall on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where His feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day

Morning has broken like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the Word

Songwriters
Stevens, Mark / Traditional,

 

Relentless Love

Children have such a relentless love. If you grow up in a home void of healthy attachment, at some point as a child, your brain becomes incapable, or maybe its your heart, of dealing with the pain of the lack of attachment and emotional abandonment. So you shut down in varying degrees. However there is this relentless desire to be loved, to be accepted, to not feel alone, and to be connected somewhere to someone. It is a longing that never leaves us.
 I am someone who struggles with feelings of disconnection. It has been scary as a mother to really see clearly how unattached I can feel. It is a feeling I hate and a feeling I recognize, because I saw and experienced all levels of disconnect in and from my own parents. Since having children however I have experienced what I call relentless love.
Babies are born with this deep desire to be bonded and to the one they have grown in. They want to be with their mothers all the time. They want to smell her, feel her and hear her. They experience frantic panic when and if their need is not met right away by her because they actually dont know they are not her. For a long time they still feel a part of her and do not know they are themselves a separate person. As their mother responds and nurtures their treasure, this attachment that they need brings them to life. If a child is adopted, or has to spend time in the NICU, or is not able to, for some reason, have the natural bonding time with their mother; many times a sort of damage occurs. Children in orphanages are the perfect example of this. A part of themselves is lost and it creates a void that words cannot explain. I have seen this in my own child who is adopted and in my bio children who suffer as a result of my inability for healthy attachment. Children are precious. They need to feel that preciousness. If they lose it they lose themselves.
As they get older your babies still want you just as much but in different ways. They want your eye contact, your soft touch, hugs and kind words, they just want you to love them. They ask in many many ways, shapes and forms. If they are turned down enough times you see a child on varying levels of emotional death. Now as an adult I realize the wanting and asking  never stops. Your mother is always your mother and your father is always your father. You are always their child and the want and wish for love never leaves you. The want and need for connection never leaves you. That means that the pain that results if those needs aren't met is the deepest kind. As humans we can only handle so much emotional rejection. I think each human has a different thresh hold. Some children are such fighters and such survivors that their whining, crying and literal screaming for connection is relentless. Some are much more resigned to their fate. I remember how my sisters were such fighters. I remember realizing and being in awe of their spirits. They screamed for attention and connection. I sat back and quietly gave up in a sense. Neither approach is a winner and both leaves you vulnerable and abuse is almost a guarantee.
Relentless love. My children ask for love each moment of each day. All of humanity each moment of each day is crying out for love.
 Coming from a family that had a lack of attachment  when I was little I would observe families that were healthily attached. At the time I didn't fully understand what the difference was. I actually only knew one or two families that had this sort of attachment and I loved to be around them. I felt a sense of safety and peace.
I think that is one of the most beautiful things about attachment. You feel a sense of peace and you feel safe. You KNOW that no matter how far away you go and no matter what happens there is someone out in the world who loves YOU, who knows YOU and who thinks YOU are precious. It is like there is an invisible cord connecting your hearts that is never broken no matter how far away you go. When people dont have that connection with anyone they are free falling, always grasping desperately, trying to find it.
All of this I have come to realize after experiencing the relentless love of my children. I found I couldn't handle their love, their needs, their little souls needing to connect with mine. I had long ago turned my souls eyes down, had shut off my spirit, and I needed to try to break down walls, unbar doors, open windows and look up again. I felt like I had to come back into myself. It was such an unnerving realization and one that broke my heart. I had to look back and realize what I had missed as a child in order to be able to look forward.
I have found that attachment issues are usually generational. There is a long line of broken hearts. No parent sets out to purposely not connect and bond with their children. They do their best with what is given. However instead of the relentless love of their children being a wooing call it is an assault.They were not given their own preciousness and therefore they dont have any to give. When someone is able to rise above this and break a long line of pain...it is nothing short of a miracle. It is a delicate flower growing out of the side of a cliff face. It is beauty rising from ashes.
 I am so thankful for this journey I am on. I often feel totally blown out of the water and far from qualified.Yet I am called. When I take the time to smile into the shining eyes of one of my children, listen to their story, give them a hug that lasts a long time, breath deep and feel their heart beat, when I laugh with them or comfort them through heart break..I know its right. I've found that more and more the feeling is becoming natural. Their relentless love is just that ~ relentless~

and its healing my heart and creating the most beautiful thing in the world ~ attachment.

'White Sanity Wine'

So I am loving blogging right now. It's new and its inspiring because I do really love to write. I have a baby that is not yet a year and three other busy children of various ages and I don't get much sleep. Usually my brain is hovering between, 'I need sleep' and, 'I need a break.' In between those thoughts are, 'What the heck to feed them NOW?' and 'I need to do ANOTHER load of laundry?'and 'HOW did they trash that room in two seconds?' There is the silent cursing I do as I clean poo off yet another surface and the constant reminders to my darlings.... 'HE IS A BABY!!! HE is DELICATE!! He is NOT a TOY'. Lastly there is my favorite. It is summer and we have been having a heat wave. I have the air conditioner in the living room on and all day I am saying (ahem, yelling), 'Close the door!!!!' I have managed enough self control to not add the word where beavers live but it has been a challenge. Every.single.time. they go out the door they leave it open. Sometimes I swear its a conspiracy. Anyway! you may get the drift that I, at this moment in life, feel pretty consumed with parenting and there are not a lot of creative or inspiring thoughts filling my brain. Sometimes it drives me to the point of drink. I mean literally I want some booze. I am not actually sure why my mind goes there or what I think it will do for my creativity. It probably has nothing to do with creativity and a lot to do with me hoping I'll feel more mellow. However I dont drink so I invented 'white wine' which is ginger ale and apple juice (believe me, I am well aware of how lame this is). The sugar kick gets me through, and sipping it somehow makes me feel like I am taking a moment to myself :) And when the children ask me for some I take a BIT of joy in saying NO.Why? Simply because I have to remind myself that there are perks to being an adult. When I was a child I'm pretty sure I was jealous of my parents freedom. I am pretty sure I whined about the fact they could stay up late and watch the movies they wanted to and eat the treats they wanted to. My children have observed and expressed jealousy about those facts also. My parents never rubbed it in my face. I am not that mature.
 Here I am saying, I can little ones! I sure can, and I am going to do it and love it and maybe rub it in your face the tiniest bit. Reality is, most of my life consists of serving serving serving you lovely souls. There are a lot of times a day where I get treated like a servant and a waitress and its not exactly what I dreamed it all would be like when I was a 'grown up'!
So as I look at this picture I put at the top...first of all it makes me so happy. My two oldest, who often have troubles being at peace with each other, are being extremely creative. Take in the canoe as the swimming pool, the garbage bags in the 35 degree heat, the dollar store nets on their HEADS! They are being amazing, awesome, and living out childhood in all its glory! Meanwhile I am in the house doing dishes. I took that picture and started thinking, while gulping my 'white sanity wine,' I decided (as relationships outside started deteriorating and garbage bags and buckets were becoming weapons) to head outside myself. I had no desire to put a garbage bag on my body OR a net on my head but I did want to go in the canoe. I can have fun beyond ginger ale and apple juice! So out I went and hopped in. Being a child is not easy. I well remember. However being an adult has its own set of challenges also. So here's to us ~ children and adults. Here's to me blogging and to my white sanity wine and creativity and to my children playing and playing all summer long. Cheers :)

Just Google It

It's new for me sometimes still ~ being a parent that is. It always will be. There will be things I just have not gone through before that I just wont quite know how to handle. It hits me like a brick and I reel ~ feeling totally lost. Today I had that happen with my oldest. Let me first explain that my oldest and I are slightly opposite. Or a lot opposite. When I took a parenting class they had all of us think of the characters of Winnie the Poo and figure out which character personality type we were and who our children were. They explained how certain personalities like a Tigger Mother and Piglet son might have a bit of a hard time in life together. Well my daughter and I are destined for some opposition because we are so different. Thankfully she is a lot like her father so they understand each other well and she has him as a buffer and vice versa.
This daughter of mine has amazed me from the get go. She has always woken up with such boundless energy at a very early hour. Many morning I have woken up to some amazing creation she has decided to concoct (the issue being she was five or four and could not read). I would dutifully bake some of it and make her eat some to try to point out that she needed me there to read her the recipes!!! When she could read things got slightly more manageable in the baking department but I would wake up to massive messes that she couldn't manage cleaning and I didn't want to manage! She started dressing herself at the tender age of one and she would insist on multiple layers of clothes...I always wanted to be able to pin a button on her that said, 'YES I dressed myself!' I remember one day she went to kindergarten with about fifty hair pins JUST in her bangs. Some were sticking straight up! After fighting with her on a lot of issues when she was little I realized (poor oldest child) that I didn't need to fight all these battles. That saying yes to many things was okay but there were certain no's I needed to make count.
Today she had gone to a function, met a new friend, and wanted to go to their house and I couldn't say yes the way she wanted me to. I was not about to let her go to a stranger's without going their myself and I couldn't go at the time of the function. No amount of explaining made that clear to her. There were tears and raised voices. It started a spiral of insecurity in me and lots of negative thoughts. I felt inadequate and young and like I needed to go over the scenario with someone more experienced,  because maybe they would help me come up with an answer so I could give my daughter an answer that gave her peace. However, I am thirty three and I need to be able to do this parenting thing!
I think I felt like this 'fight' was a warning of other big fights to come that I really don't want to have with her. I love her so much, want her to be safe, and she wants to have fun and experience the world and do everything. She has boundless energy and sleeps soundly through the night every single night from about eight until six or seven and has zero capacity to understand endless years of no sleep and not a lot of energy. She is outgoing and full of trust. I am more introverted and know not to just blindly trust. How to get that through to her heart without just fighting, being totally defensive, and arguing pointlessly with a preteen? I dont know! In that moment the not knowing felt like the end of the world :)
However I have learned a few things since becoming a parent. One of them is realizing that the only thing that is the end of the world really is....the end of the world!
Also good friends who have older children, and so have pioneered before you, are vital and so wonderful!!!! I was visiting with such a friend a while ago and she gave me some advice that seemed so matter of fact and simple. Google it! She said..'you need to talk to her about puberty and feel overwhelmed, need to help her gain better self esteem but dont have those tools, need to help her learn to type, or put on makeup...anything! You name it! Google it!!!!' The thing I loved about it the most I guess was her confidence. It was like nothing could derail her. So I guess I'll start by googling how to become a more confident mother, and how to help my child handle the pain of no. Also how to handle a boy who is bouncing off the couches in his underwear that he calls a loin cloth and using a pencil and yarn as a fishing spear, and the baby who will not nap in the day or sleep in the night often, and the sweet little one who insists on a soother every day all day but who is at an age where people shamelessly comment....I am getting overwhelmed again :) So I'll start with the 'how to be a more confident mother'. Google here I come!!!! Thanks Mands :)

Dreamin

Let yourself dream. Write them down somewhere as a declaration to yourself that your dreams matter. That they are important enough. These are some of my dreams. I wonder how and when they will come true. Do you have waiting dreams, dreams that have come true? Keep dreaming xo